Congratulations everyone! You’ve been Stimulated!

The giveaway bill to special interests  Porkulus  Stimulus Bill has been passed.

I would especially like to congratulate all the young Obama supporters, because you are all going to be paying this bill off for the rest of your lives, except for the part you pass onto your kids.  Mom and Dad won’t be able to afford any more bright shiny objects for you or supplement your  income pretty soon. So please enjoy your impending poverty little Comrades and Comradesses of Amerikan Edjukashion System, as  we put off the inevitable for a little while, while the dollar plunges into an abyss and China gears up to say “No” next time we ask for money.  And don’t forget the Big Two Out of Three auto makers will need their payroll met for another few months,  So they will be vi$iting us all again $oon.  And then they will visit us again April…and then….

So you see, somebody is going to have to pay for all of this in the future one way or another, little Comrades. ”Future” is a political term for “Next Generations,” used by smarmy elected officials who know they will be long gone when you are finally all grown up and cursing them for your struggle. But don’t worry! There will be more food stamps. And public housing. It’s in the bill just for you, to get you started. The Government will take care of you, so don’t worry.  Personal financial advancement is sooooooo over-rated anyways.

I know, I know.   All of this stuff is so……..boring!

Where’s my ipod???

But cheer up.  You will get a tax rebate!  $13 a week!  Except if you don’t work. Then you will just get a lot of free stuff you think you won’t be paying for in the future. So, don’t forget to spend your rebate as fast as you can. Do not save this money. That’s  greedy and unAmerican! Savers really suck! The important thing is that you owe money and still spend your rebate. Please do not screw this up by paying for stupid things like heat or credit card bills.  Buy something cool that you really can’t afford. Let me repeat: Do. Not. Save. Your. Rebate. That’s selfish.

Ah well, maybe you can get Iran to help you all out with paying this all back for the next 50 years or so. Ahmadinejad is so sweet, really. Look how he helps out Hamas.  All that nasty behavior and driving over Obama posters with cars is all an act. He’s really a nice guy. Honest! Don’t let that thing about the nukes and  killing all Jews and infidels such as yourself  for the Coming Of The Mysterious Savior put you off.  I mean, don’t let the fact that the even Ayatolla Khomeini thought these zealots were nuts, and that’s saying a lot.  But don’t worry. It’s all “Just words”.  That’s why it’s a good idea to cut the defense budget. Now run along and watch a Reality Show and text UR friends. K? Thx!

And look at all the cool environmental things in the bill! You will be living in a box under the tracks in winter, praying for some real global warming, but the air will sure be cleaner, federal buildings will be looking so cool, the Smithsonian will look even better, although it already is pretty nice, not that you will be able to afford the trip.  (“Stimulus” poster shamelessly stolen  from Riverdaughter)

Guess what other stimulating things will happen? Important Golfers will have new electric carts, your TVs will have a better picture if you still have them,  the place where you once worked will be safer  and will even unionize, even though it’s going out of business. There will be job training programs though, to keep you busy since there aren’t any jobs. And I know that, even though you are an Electrical Engineer, you will enjoy planting grass at the National  Mall that got ruined during the Inauguration. That is, if an illegal alien doesn’t get the job first, because the part about any jobs created going to Americans has been removed from the bill. Just saying. Word has it, though, that things are so bad here in Amerika, many illegal aliens are moving back to Mexico and declaring their Amerikan born kids as Mexican citizens. How bad does it have to get here for that to happen? Just think about it. I’ll wait….

But this stimulus bill offers plenty of Hope.  All the people who are losing their homes will have broadband capability if they ever find another place they can afford to live in,  “volunteers” will get paid, those new prison buildings will start to look good to you compared to living on the street. And….. universities you can’t afford to attend will get new buildings. Nancy’s Wetland Mouse won’t be evicted though! And don’t worry:  Barney Frank is looking out for you again just like he did with Fannie Mae.

You can see how well this is all going to stimulate the economy in record time. And guess what, boys and girls? 53% of the money won’t even be spent until late 2011, just in time for Your President to make things temporarily look good for re-election.  Like Magic! Not that he will even need to do that, because by then ACORN will have completed the 10-year Census so he can re-arrange Congressional Districts. Till then, well, what can I tell you? You’ll just have to wait.  Eating and paying bills is so under-rated anyways, right ? Some things are just more important than you are. Like elections, for example. But don’t worry. The Weatherstripping Program will help you out by making sure that the cardboard box you will be living in is nice and air tight. Hey, I have an idea:  Solar panels for cardboard boxes– with tax credits for the unemployed. But don’t be looking for the Fishes To Feed The Masses routine. This Messiah is going to be fresh out of fishes by then.

And here’s the best part:  Nearly one third of the bill is dedicated to Health Care, with interesting wording like “Meaningful Users,” which, besides being downright scary,  has nothing to do with stimulating the economy, but nevermind.

 Of course, other stuff has been added to the bill, and stuff that was once removed was put back in it, but we don’t really know what, because nobody got a chance to read the revised bill. Not even Congress. They were given a hard copy of the new version. No PDF file to search for key words.  Voting on something like that is kind of like when you go to a flea market and buy one of those Mystery Boxes. You don’t know what’s in it, then you open it up and Surprise! It’s a pile of crap you can’t use. I suspect this Mystery Box will be opened up within the next few days. But of course, it will be too late to tell the pubic what’s going on. That’s the idea.

Look at this guy, will you? Bitch Bitch Bitch.

I thought I might share some of the really interesting things in the bill, stolen from an RBO post entitled, Here’s What Generational Debt Looks Like.  What a catchy title.  I’m sure a few things have changed overnight, but you can bet none of them improved this bill’s status as economic  ”Stimulus”.

(From RBO):

**********

Here are just a few items from MM’s “handy list of pork in the Sellout Substitute Amendment from the Turncoat Caucus”:

• $2 billion Blagojevich earmark for FutureGen near zero emissions powerplant in Mattoon, IL.
• $2 billion for manufacturing advanced batteries for hybrid cars.
• $3 million for purchasing “neighborhood electric vehicles” (golf carts).
• $5.5 billion for making federal buildings “green” (including $448 million for DHS HQ).
• $650 million for the DTV transition coupon program.
• $200 million for workplace safety in USDA facilities.
• $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges and libraries.
• $75 million for the Smithsonian Institution.
• $750 earmark for the National Computer Center in MD.
• $224 million for International Boundary and Water Commission – U.S. and Mexico.
• $10 million to fight Mexican gunrunners.
• $850 million for Amtrak.
• $100 million for lead paint hazard reduction.
• $39 billion slush fund for “state fiscal stabilization” bailout.
• $275 million for flood prevention.
• $65 million for watershed rehabilitation.
• $255 million for “priority procurements” at Coast Guard (polar ice breaker).
• $650 million for abandoned mine sites.
• $1.3 billion for NASA (including $450 million for “science” at NASA).
• $100 million to clean up sites used in early U.S. atomic energy program.
• $1.5 billion for carbon capture projects under sec. 703 of P.L. 110-140 (though the original section only authorizes $1 billion for five years).
• $300 million for hybrid and electric cars for federal employees.
• $500 million for State and local fire stations.
• $180 million for construction of Bureau of Land Management facilities.
• $500 million for wildland fire management.
• $110 million for construction for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.
• $522 million for construction for the Bureau of Indian Affairs.
• $500 million earmark for National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, MD.
• $100 million for constructing U.S. Marshalls office buildings.
• $300 million for constructing Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) office buildings.
• $800 million for constructing Federal Prison System buildings and facilities.
• $307 million for constructing National Institute for Standards and Technology (NIST) office buildings.
• $1 billion for administrative costs and construction of National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) office buildings.
• $160 million for “paid volunteers” at the Corp. for National and Community Service.

Hillbuzz comments: “The above is not even 10% of the treasure Obama’s going to swirl down the toilet. It’s unprecedented, unimaginable, and reprehensible. Every last member of Congress needs to be held accountable for this.”

Blogger arturoafc54 adds some more loony spending requestsfrom the Spenderific Bill:

• $2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient.
• $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.
• $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.
• $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.
• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD’s.
• $412 million for CDC buildings and property.
• $1.4 billion for rural waste disposal programs.
• $125 million for the Washington sewer system.
• $150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.
• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has a projected cost overrun of $3 billion.
• $75 million for “smoking cessation activities.”
• $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.
• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction.
• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.
• $10 million to inspect canals in urban areas.
• $1.2 billion for “youth activities,” including youth summer job programs.
• $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.
• $5.5 million for “energy efficiency initiatives” at the Department of Veterans Affairs National Cemetery Administration.
• $75 million to construct a “security training” facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies.
• $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems.
• $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.

Definitely the longest list is Pro Patria’s, whose “long but hardly exhaustive list of stimulus pork is frightening, particularly when you realize it’s not even close to being the whole hog. Check these items out:

• $2 billion for rural business and industry guaranteed loans.
• $22.1 billion for rural housing insurance fund loans.
• $2.8 billion for loans to spur rural broadband.
• $150 million for emergency food assistance.
• $50 million for regional economic development commissions.
• $1 billion for “Periodic Censuses and Programs”.
• $350 million for State Broadband Data and Development Grants.
• $1.8 billion for Rural Broadband Deployment Grants.
• $1 billion for Rural Wireless Deployment Grants.
• $30 million for necessary expenses of the “Hollings Manufacturing Extension Partnership”.
• $300 million for a competitive construction grant program for research science buildings.
• $600 million for “accelerating satellite development and acquisition”.
• $140 million for “climate data modeling”.
• $250 million for “accelerating the development of the tier 1 set of Earth science climate research missions recommended by the National Academies Decadal Survey.”
• $50 million for repairs to NASA facilities from storm damage.
• $300 million for “Major Research Insrumentation program” (science).
• $200 million for “academic research facilities modernization”.
• $100 million for “Education and Human Resources”.
• $400 million for “Major Research Equipment and Facilities Construction”.
• $4.5 billion to make military facilities more energy efficient. 
• $1.5 billion for Army Operation and Maintenance fund.
• $624 million for Navy Operation and Maintenance.
• $128 million for Marine Corps Operation and Maintenance.
• $1.23 billion for Air Force Operation and Maintenance.
• $454 million to “Defense Health Program”.
• $110 million for Army Reserve Operation and Maintenance.
• $62 million for Navy Reserve Operation and Maintenance.
• $45 million for Marine Corps Reserve Operation and Maintenance.
• $14 million for Air Force Reserve Operation and Maintenance.
• $302 million for National Guard Operation and Maintenance.
• $29 million for Air National Guard Operation and Maintenance.
• $350 million for military energy research and development programs.
• $2 billion for Army Corps of Engineers “Construction”.
• $800 million of that is for biomass research and $400 million for geothermal technologies
• $1 billion in grants to “institutional entities for energy sustainability and efficiency”.
• $6.2 billion for the Weatherization Assistance Program.
• $3.5 billion for Energy Efficiency and Conservation Block Grants.
• $3.4 billion for state energy programs.
• $200 million for expenses to implement energy independence programs.
• $300 million for expenses to implement Energy efficient appliance rebate programs including the Energy Star program. 
• $400 million for expenses to implement Alternative Fuel Vehicle and Infrastructure Grants to States and Local Governments.
• $1 billion for expenses necessary for advanced battery manufacturing.
• $4.5 billion to modernize the nation’s electricity grid.
• $1 billion for the Advanced Battery Loan Guarantee Program.
• $100 million for “non-intrusive detection technology to be deployed at sea ports of entry
• $150 million for repair and construction at land border ports of entry.
• $500 million for explosive detection systems for aviation security.
• $150 million for alteration or removal of obstructive bridges.
• $200 million for FEMA Emergency Food and Shelter program.
• $325 million for Interior Department road, bridge and trail repair projects.
• $800 million for Superfund programs.
• $200 million for leaking underground storage tank cleanup.
• $50 million in grants to fund “arts projects and activities which preserve jobs in the non-profit arts sector threatened by declines in philanthropic and other support during the current economic downturn” through the National Endowment for the Arts.
• $1 billion for states in dislocated worker employment and training activities.
• $500 million for the dislocated workers assistance national reserve.
• $80 million for the enforcement of worker protection laws and regulations related to infrastructure and unemployment insurance investments.
• $300 million for “construction, rehabilitation and acquisition of Job Corps Centers”.
• $600 million for nurse, physician and dentist training.
• $700 million for “comparative effectiveness research” on prescription drugs.
• $1 billion for Low-Income Home Energy Assistance.
• $2 billion in Child Care and Development Block Grants for states.
• $1 billion for Head Start programs.
• $1.1 billion for Early Head Start programs.
• $100 million for Social Security research programs.
• $200 million for “Aging Services Programs”.
• $2 billion for “Office of the National Coordinator for Health Information Technology”.
• $430 million for public health/social services emergency funds.
• $5.5 billion in targeted education grants.
• $5.5 billion in “education finance incentive grants”.
• $2 billion in “school improvement grants”.
• $13.6 billion for Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.
• $250 million for statewide education data systems.
• $14 billion for school modernization, renovation and repair.
• $160 million for AmeriCorps grants.
• $500 million to improve processing of disability and retirement claims.
• $920 million for Army housing and child development centers.
• $350 million for Navy and Marine Corps housing and child development centers.
• $280 million in Air Force housing and child development centers.
• $3.75 billion in military hospital and surgery center construction.
• $950 million for VA Medical Facilities.
• $50 million for repairs for military cemeteries.
• $120 million for a backup information management facility for the State Department.
• $98 million for National Cybersecurity Initiative.
• $3 billion for “Grants-in-Aid for Airports”.
• $300 million for Indian Reservation roads.
• $800 million for national railroad assets or infrastructure repairs, upgrades.
• $5.4 billion in federal transit grants.
• $2 billion in infrastructure development for subways and commuter railways.
• $5 billion for public housing capital.
• $1 billion in competitive housing grants.
• $2.5 billion for energy efficiency upgrades in public housing.
• $500 million in Native American Housing Block Grants.
• $4.1 billion to help communities deal with foreclosed homes.
• $1.5 billion in homeless prevention activities.
• $79 billion in education funds for states.

Earlier Pro Patria noted $4.19 billion for ACORN and other bogus “community organizing” groups. No surprise here.

Here’s a selection from Armageddonoutahere’s blog post We See the Pork But Where’s the Beef?

• $380 million to set up a rainy-day fund for a nutrition program that serves low-income women and children.
• $300 million for grants to combat violence against women.
• $6 billion on university building projects.
• $15 billion expansion of the Pell Grant program.
• $4 billion Federal job-training programs.
• $5.2 billion for community development block grants and “neighborhood stabilization activities,” which ACORN is eligible to apply for.
• $4 billion for job-training programs, including $1.2 billion for “youths” up to the age of 24.
• $4.2 billion for “neighborhood stabilization activities”.
• $90 million to educate “vulnerable populations”.
• $34 million to fix up the Commerce Department.
• $89 billion in Medicaid extensions.
• $36 billion in expanded unemployment benefits, this is in addition to the state-budget bailout.
• $30 billion for COBRA insurance extension.
• $20 billion for food stamps.
• $55 million for the preservation of historic landmarks.

Oh and one more thing. Here’s The President of the United States  “leading by example,” telling YOU to live within your means. No $100 a pound Wagyu beef  for you.