Have a Happy Rapture Day!

(Warning, if you believe in The Rapture, this post could offend you and possibly make your head explode. I suggest you don’t read it. I would hate to ruin your  Last Day On Earth. But I simply cannot help myself.)

I am so glad I rarely forget to read Liberal Rapture .  John is always so up-to-date on important  current events. Today, he reminded me that today is the day of the Rapture.

Please clear your to do lists and put on some clean underwear.

This is good news all around. Either you will be shuttled off to heaven OR a bunch of really annoying people will be – allowing the rest of us to indulge in our debauchery and sin in relative peace and quiet.

Now it’s not clear exactly when on Monday the rapture is to occur. One assumes that God will wait until after Oprah as even God doesn’t want Ms. Winfrey pissed off.

I myself am so glad I am here to see it and I hope I can type this fast enough before it happens. If I can’t, then all my work will have been wasted. I hate when that happens. Anyways, I’m glad I’m here to see this one because I missed the other 200 times it happened. My favorite one was when I was a young puppy living in an apartment. My landlady visited me and told me the end of the world was coming in a few days because Pat Robertson or some other crackpot said so. So I said, in that case you won’t mind if I don’t pay my rent tomorrow, right? I loved having a relationship with her. She made meatballs that were so good, you could cry while you ate them.

Here’s a nice crackpot telling you all about today’s Rapture in six mind-numbing parts.

You can see the rest of this silliness here at this crackpot sitetyped in about five minutes by a very myopic person.  It always helps to look Right if you use really big red and yellow letters. Be sure to look for the moon to “turn to blood” today, mmmmkay?

Is anybody familiar with that guy who wrote the Late Great Planet Earth? Now here’s a guy who went on about the End of the World and sold millions of copies of his outright crap in hardcover. His “date” came and went and people still followed him. I am not sure how many new dates he set after that, but he’s a classic example, along with the turkey in the video above, of why following  Men is a really stupid idea.

….click more below the fold….

 
rapture2Let’s see if I remember correctly from the sermon during that one time I attended that evangelical church, just before I ran out of the place like my hair was on fire:  According to the pastor, who had an annoying sniffle that sounded suspiciously like he truly believed that Things Go Better With Coke, the Rapture should find you pulled right out of your cars, or even right out of your shoes, after which you would go Poof! in the “Twinkling of an eye”. Left behind will be all those nasty heathens. The dead will rise right up out of their graves too, thus creating  freed-up space for more condominiums.

All of this, of course, comes from the Book of Revelations, which any fool can see is suspiciously out of place tacked onto the end of the New Testament. I have always believed and shall continue to believe that Revelations is the writing of a man who ate some bad cheese too late at night.  Either that, or Constantine or someone like him stuck that thing at the end of the New Testament to scare the crap out of everybody and keep them in line. It was the same reasoning used when they buried the Gospel of Thomas under a boulder because it gave women a fair shake. No one will ever convince me of anything else. Nobody even knows who wrote Revelations, except that maybe it was some guy named Daniel –and here we are, all these years later.  still listening to crackpots make money off of a hallucination. Really, if followers of these men would actually, you know, read  the Bible and consider the style and content of Revelations with respect to the rest of the New Testament, it might just force some of these guys to go find some honest work instead of scaring the crap out of everybody. At least then, they might ask themselves the pertinent question: How many false prophecies make a False profit Prophet?

WARNING:

Will The Rapture take place on Monday-September 21st 2009,

at The Last Trump of Rosh Hashanah?

FALL 2009 – THE END? 

IS THIS THE TIME OF THE RAPTURE? 

SEE VIDEO!

Way to go! Blame it on the Jews! It’s so “Now” of you!

For your entertainment here are some Failed Prophecies. Overall I wouldn’t suggest that you give your stuff away just yet:

About 30 CE The Christian Scriptures (New Testament), when interpreted literally, appear to record many predictions by Jeshua of Nazareth (Jesus Christ) that God’s Kingdom would arrive within a very short period, or was actually in the process of arriving. For example, Jesus is recorded as saying in Matthew 16:28:”…there shall be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” In Matthew 24:34, Yeshua is recorded as saying: “This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.” Since the life expectancy in those days was little over 30 years, Jesus appears to have predicted his second coming sometime during the 1st century CE. It didn’t happen.

About 60 CE:  Interpreting the Epistles of Paul of Tarsus literally, his writings seem to imply that Jesus would return and usher in a rapture during the lifetime of persons who were living in the middle of the 1st century. 

About 90 CE: Saint Clement 1 predicted that the world end would occur at any moment.

2nd Century CE: Prophets and Prophetesses of the Montanist movement predicted that Jesus would return sometime during their lifetime and establish the New Jerusalem in the city of Pepuza in Asia Minor

365 CE: A man by the name of Hilary of Poitiers, announced that the end would happen that year. It didn’t

375 to 400 CE: Saint Martin of Tours, a student of Hilary, was convinced that the end would happen sometime before 400 CE.

500 CE:This was the first year-with-a-nice-round-number-panic.   The antipope Hippolytus and an earlier Christian academic Sextus Julius Africanus had predicted Armageddon at about this year.

968 CE: An eclipse was interpreted as a prelude to the end of the world by the army of the German emperor Otto III.

992: Good Friday coincided with the Feast of the Annunciation; this had long been believed to be the event that would bring forth the Antichrist, and thus the end-times events foretold in the book of Revelation. Records from Germany report that a new sun rose in the north and that as many as 3 suns and 3 moons were fighting. There does not appear to be independent verification of this remarkable event.

1000-JAN-1: Many Christians in Europe had predicted the end of the world on this date. As the date approached, Christian armies waged war against some of the Pagan countries in Northern Europe. The motivation was to convert them all to Christianity, by force if necessary, before Christ returned in the year 1000. Meanwhile, some Christians had given their possessions to the Church in anticipation of the end. Fortunately, the level of education was so low that many citizens were unaware of the year. They did not know enough to be afraid. Otherwise, the panic might have been far worse than it was. Unfortunately, when Jesus did not appear, the church did not return the gifts. Serious criticism of the Church followed. The Church reacted by exterminating some heretics. Agitation settled down quickly.

1000-MAY: The body of Charlemagne was disinterred on Pentecost. A legend had arisen that an emperor would rise from his sleep to fight the Antichrist.

1005-1006: A terrible famine throughout Europe was seen as a sign of the nearness of the end.

1033: Some believed this to be the 1000th anniversary of the death and resurrection of Jesus. His second coming was anticipated. Jesus’ actual date of execution is unknown, but is believed to be in the range of 27 to 33 CE.

1147:Gerard of Poehlde decided that the millennium had actually started in 306 CE during Constantine’s reign. Thus, the world end was expected in 1306 CE.

1179: John of Toledo predicted the end of the world during 1186. This estimate was based on the alignment of many planets.

1205: Joachim of Fiore predicted in 1190 that the Antichrist was already in the world, and that King Richard of England would defeat him. The Millennium would then begin, sometime before 1205.

1284: Pope Innocent III computed this date by adding 666 years onto the date the Islam was founded.

1346 and later: The black plague spread across Europe, killing one third of the population. This was seen as the prelude to an immediate end of the world. Unfortunately, the Christians had previously killed a many of the cats, fearing that they might be familiars of Witches. The fewer the cats, the more the rats. It was the rat fleas that spread the black plague.

1496: This was approximately 1500 years after the birth of Jesus. Some mystics in the 15th century predicted that the millennium would begin during this year.

1524: Many astrologers predicted the imminent end of the world due to a world wide flood. They obviously had not read the Genesis story of the rainbow

1533: Melchior Hoffman predicted that Jesus’ return would happen a millennium and a half after the nominal date of his execution, in 1533. The New Jerusalem was expected to be established in Strasbourg, Germany. He was arrested and died in a Strasbourg jail

1669: The Old Believers in Russia believed that the end of the world would occur in this year. 20 thousand burned themselves to death between 1669 and 1690 to protect themselves from the Antichrist.

1689:Benjamin Keach, a 17th century Baptist, predicted the end of the world for this year.

1736: British theologian and mathematician William Whitson predicted a great flood similar to Noah’s for OCT-13 of this year.

1792: This was the date of the end of the world calculated by some believers in the Shaker movement.

1794: Charles Wesley, one of the founders of Methodism, thought Doomsday would be in this year

1830: Margaret McDonald, a Christian prophetess, predicted that Robert Owen would be the Antichrist. Owen helped found New Harmony, IN.

1832?: Joseph Smith (1805-1844) was the founder of the Church of Christ, which became the Restorationist movement after many schisms. It now includes The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — a.k.a. the Mormons, and about a hundred other denominations and sects. He heard a voice while praying. He wrote, in Doctrines and Covenants section 130:14: “I was once praying very earnestly to know the time of the coming of the Son of Man, when I heard a voice repeat the following:”

15: “Joseph, my son, if thou livest until thou art eighty-five years old, thou shalt see the face of the Son of Man; therefore let this suffice, and trouble me no more on this matter.”

16: “I was left thus, without being able to decide whether this coming referred to the beginning of the millennium or to some previous appearing, or whether I should die and thus see his face.”

17: “I believe the coming of the Son of Man will not be any sooner than that time.” 14

The year in which this event occurred is not recorded. However, one commentator suggested 1832 or earlier. 16 Smith is later recorded as having said:

“I prophesy in the name of the Lord God, and let it be written–the Son of Man will not come in the clouds of heaven till I am eighty-five years old.” 17

Smith would have reached the age of 85 during 1890. Unfortunately, by that year, Smith had been dead for almost a half century, having been assassinated by a mob. Note that his prophecy is ambiguous. It can be interpreted that: 

—Jesus would return during 1890 (which did not materialize) or that 1890 would pass without Jesus’ return (which did come to pass).Some anti-Mormon sources quote only verses 14 and 15, and draw the former conclusion — that Smith’s prophecy failed

1843-MAR-21: William Miller, founder of the Millerite movement, predicted that Jesus would come on this date. A very large number of Christians accepted his prophecy

1844-OCT-22: When Jesus did not return, Miller predicted this new date. In an event which is now called “The Great Disappointment,” many Christians sold their property and possessions, quit their jobs and prepared themselves for the second coming. Nothing happened; the day came and went without incident

1850:Ellen White, founder of the Seven Day Adventists movement, made many predictions of the timing of the end of the world. All failed. On 1850-JUN-27 she prophesized that only a few months remained before the end. She wrote: “My accompanying angel said, ‘Time is almost finished. Get ready, get ready, get ready.’ …now time is almost finished…and what we have been years learning, they will have to learn in a few months

1856 or later: At Ellen White’s last prediction, she said that she was shown in a vision the fate of believers who attended the 1856 SDA conference. She wrote “I was shown the company present at the Conference. Said the angel: ‘Some food for worms, some subjects of the seven last plagues, some will be alive and remain upon the earth to be translated at the coming of Jesus.” That is, some of the attendees would die of normal diseases; some would die from plagues at the last days, others would still be alive when Jesus came. “By the early 1900s all those who attended the conference had passed away, leaving the Church with the dilemma of trying to figure out how to explain away such a prominent prophetic failure

1891:Mother Shipton, a 16th century mystic predicted the end of the world: “…The world to an end shall come; in eighteen hundred and eighty-one. On 1835-FEB-14, Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon church, attended a meeting of church leaders. He said that the meeting had been called because God had commanded it. He announced that Jesus would return within 56 years — i.e. before 1891-FEB-15. (History of the Church

 1914  was one of the more important estimates of the start of the war of Armageddon by the Jehovah’s Witnesses (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society). They based their prophecy of 1914 from prophecy in the book of Daniel, Chapter 4. The writings referred to “seven times”. The WTS interpreted each “time” as equal to 360 days, giving a total of 2520 days. This was further interpreted as representing 2520 years, measured from the starting date of 607. This gave 1914 as the target date. When 1914 passed, they changed their prediction; 1914 became the year that Jesus invisibly began his rule. 

1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994, etc. were other dates that the Watchtower Society or its members predicted. Since late in the 19th century, they had taught that the “battle of the Great Day of God Almighty” (Armageddon) would happen in 1914

The next major estimate was 1925. Watchtower magazine predicted: “The year 1925 is a date definitely and clearly marked in the Scriptures, even more clearly than that of 1914; but it would be presumptuous on the part of any faithful follower of the Lord to assume just what the Lord is going to do during that year.

The Watchtower Society selected 1975 as its next main prediction. This was based on the estimate “according to reliable Bible chronology Adam was created in the year 4026 BCE, likely in the autumn of the year, at the end of the sixth day of creation.” They believed that the year 1975 was a promising date for the end of the world, as it was the 6,000th anniversary of Adam’s creation. Exactly 1,000 years was to pass for each day of the creation week. This prophecy also failed.

The current estimate is that the end of the world as we know it will happen precisely 6000 years after the creation of Eve. There is no way of knowing when this happened.

1919: Meteorologist Albert Porta predicted that the conjunction of 6 planets would generate a magnetic current that would cause the sun to explode and engulf the earth on DEC-17

1936: Herbert W Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, predicted that the Day of the Lord would happen sometime in 1936. Nothing much happened that year, except for the birth of the compiler of this list — who has been referred to as an Anti-Christ. When the prediction failed, he made a new estimate: 1975

1940 or 1941: A Bible teacher from Australia, Leonard Sale-Harrison, held a series of prophesy conferences across North America in the 1930′s. He predicted that the end of the world would happen in 1940 or 1941.

1948: During this year, the state of Israel was founded. Some Christians believed that this event was the final prerequisite for the second coming of Jesus. Various end of the world predictions were made in the range 1888 to 2048

1953-AUG: David Davidson wrote a book titled “The Great Pyramid, Its Divine Message”. In it, he predicted that the world would end in 1953-AUG

1957-APR: The Watchtower magazine quoted a pastor from California, Mihran Ask, as saying in 1957-JAN that “Sometime between April 16 and 23, 1957, Armageddon will sweep the world! Millions of persons will perish in its flames and the land will be scorched.’

1959:Florence Houteff’s, who was the leader of the Branch Davidians faith group, prophesied that the 1260 days mentioned in Revelation 11:3 would end and the Kingdom of David would be established on 1959-APR-22. Followers expected to die, be resurrected, and transferred to Heaven. Many sold their possessions and moved to Mt. Carmel in anticipation of the “end time”. It didn’t happen. The group almost did not survive; only a few dozen members remained.Most Branch Davidians did die on 1993-APR-29 as a result of arson apparently ordered by their leader, David Koresh. They were not bodily resurrected — on earth at least

1960: Piazzi Smyth, a past astronomer royal of Scotland, wrote a book circa 1860 titled “Our Inheritance in the Great Pyramid.” It was responsible for spreading the belief in pyramidology throughout the world. This is the belief that secrets are hidden in the dimensions of the great pyramids. He concluded from his research that the millennium would start before the end of 1960 CE

1967: During the six day war, the Israeli army captured all of Jerusalem. Many conservative Christians believed that the rapture would occur quickly. However, the final Biblical prerequisite for the second coming is that the Jews resume ritual animal sacrifices in the temple at Jerusalem. That never happened

1970′s: The late Moses David (formerly David Berg) was the founder of the Christian religious group, The Children of God. He predicted that a comet would hit the earth, probably in the mid 1970′s and destroy all life in the United States. One source indicated that he believed it would happen in 1973

1972: According to an article in the Atlantic magazine, “Herbert W. Armstrong’s empire suffered a serious blow when the end failed to begin in January of 1972, as Armstrong had predicted, thus bringing hardship to many people who had given most of their assets to the church in the expectation of going to Petra, where such worldly possessions would be useless.”

“The failure of this prophetic scenario to take place according to this Co-Worker letter scenario, which was often repeated over the years in print by Armstrong, may have been one of the initial reasons why the church organization began to decline as unfulfilled expectations led to great disappointment. As events unfolded, it became obvious 1972 did not have the biblical significance that the church had anticipated for nearly two decades.”

1974:Charles Meade, a pastor in Daleville, IN, predicted that the end of the world will happen during his lifetime. He was born circa 1927, so the end will probably come early in the 21st century.

1975: Many predicted this date. However, it was not officially recognized by the leadership

1978: Chuck Smith, Pastor of Calvary Chapel in Cost Mesa, CA, predicted the rapture in 1981

1980: Leland Jensen leader of a Baha’i Faith group, predicted that a nuclear disaster would happen in 1980. This would be followed by two decades of conflict, ending in the establishment of God’s Kingdom on earth

1981:  Arnold Murray of the Shepherd’s Chapel taught an anti-Trinitarian belief about God, and Christian Identity. Back in the 1970′s, he predicted that the Antichrist would appear before 1981.
Rev. Sun Myung Moon, founder of the Unification Church predicted that the Kingdom of Heaven would be established this year

1982: Pat Robertson predicted a few years in advance that the world would end in the fall of 1982. The failure of this prophecy did not seem to adversely affect his reputation

1982:Astronomers John Gribben & Setphen Plagemann predicted the “Jupiter Effect” in 1974. They wrote that when various planets were aligned on the same side of the sun, tidal forces would create solar flares, radio interruptions, rainfall and temperature disturbances and massive earthquakes. The planets did align as seen from earth, as they do regularly. Nothing unusual happened

1984 to 1999: In 1983, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, later called Osho, teacher of  what has been called the Rajneesh movement, is said to have predicted massive destruction on earth, including natural disasters and man-made catastrophes. Floods larger than any since Noah, extreme earthquakes, very destructive volcano eruptions, nuclear wars etc. were to happen. Tokyo, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Bombay will all disappear. Actually, the predictions were read out by his secretary; their legitimacy is doubtful

1985: Arnold Murray of the Shepherd’s Chapel predicted that the war of Armageddon will start on 1985-JUN 8-9 in “a valley of the Alaskan peninsula.”

1986: Moses David of The Children of God faith group predicted that the Battle of Armageddon would take place in 1986. Russia would defeat Israel and the United States. A worldwide Communist dictatorship would be established. In 1993, Christ would return to earth

1987 to 2000:Lester Sumrall, in his 1987 book “I Predict 2000 AD” predicted that Jerusalem would be the richest city on Earth, that the Common Market would rule Europe, and that there would be a nuclear war involving Russia and perhaps the U.S. Also, he prophesized that the greatest Christian revival in the history of the church would happen: all during the last 13 years of the 20. All of the predictions failed.

1988: Hal Lindsey had predicted in his book “The Late, Great Planet Earth” that the Rapture was coming in 1988 – one generation or 40 years after the creation of the state of Israel. This failed prophecy did not appear to damage his reputation. He continues to write books of prophecy which sell very well indeed.

Alfred Schmielewsky, a psychic whose stage name was “super-psychic A.S. Narayana,” predicted in 1986 that the world’s greatest natural disaster would hit Montreal in 1988. Sadly, his psychic abilities failed him on 1999-APR-11 when he answered the door of his home only to be shot dead by a gunman.

1988-OCT-11:Edgar Whisenaut, a NASA scientist, had published the book “88 Reasons why the Rapture will Occur in 1988.” It sold over  4 million copies.

About 1990:  Peter Ruckman concluded from his analysis of the Bible that the rapture would come within a few years of 1990

***

And let us not forget 9/09/99 and Y2k. So I strongly suggest that you do NOT tell your boss off today. Based on past performances of religious nutbags, the odds are really good you will have to return to work and face your boss tomorrow.

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66 Responses

  1. Good God UW use the more tab. This post took up your whole blog.
    Crap I’m floating away and can’t reach the keeeeeee……..

  2. Sorry, I can’t answer you right now, DE. There’s a strange guy dressed in black at the door, and he’s holding a sickle.

  3. great stuff. Wow. You know your endtimes history!

  4. Hey! THe Grim Reaper was my great great great Uncle. He was marriied to my great great great Aunt who had ties to the Boston Tea Party. SHe was the last bag to be thrown overboard.

  5. Ask him if his refrigerator is running.

  6. Well Obama will make sure there are plenty of dinosaur newspapers in print paper to cover it if it ever happens on his watch.

    Oh wait. They say Obama is the Messiah-the Precious ……..

    Obama open to newspaper bailout bill
    By Michael O’Brien – 09/20/09 04:24 PM ET

    The president said he is “happy to look at” bills before Congress that would give struggling news organizations tax breaks if they were to restructure as nonprofit businesses.

    What a way to have Big Government-owned Pradva on the Potomac.

  7. Sorry, missed the link to it above.

    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/59523-obama-open-to-newspaper-bailout-bill

    BTW….

    http://pumaeyes.wordpress.com/2009/09/20/uh-oh-somebodys-in-trouble-whats-my-daughters-name-again/

    Uh oh, somebody’s in trouble. What’s my daughter’s name again? Where’s my teleprompter?

  8. They can restructure any way they want. Nobody is going to read them any longer. How come the WSJ isn’t going out of business? Because they aren’t into whoring themselves out to politicians. The NY Times couldn’t give their rag away. Brilliant. Give tax breaks to rags nobody can stand instead of doing it for manufacturers who might move back from Mexico if we did that.

    Obama never ran a lemonade stand and it shows.

  9. These fat cats will NEVER restructure as non profit. Cha ching! Besides, they wouldn;t be allowed to get involved in politics without constant scrutiny. Scrap those editorials.

  10. Speaking of another type of armegeddon, mother nature seems to be throwing a wrench in the global warming debate.

    Forecasts of climate change are about to go seriously out of kilter. One of the world’s top climate modellers said Thursday we could be about to enter one or even two decades during which temperatures cool.

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17742-worlds-climate-could-cool-first-warm-later.html

  11. Oops. I guess Al will have to invent something new.

    This is why they are changing it from “global warming” to “climate change”. Covers the bases. There is still a couple of hundred billion to be made here.

  12. Just think. Tax the crap out of heating oil in the name of Warming. Then it gets colder and everybody uses more heat. Cha Ching!

  13. It’s all a scam. The planet is how old? And were using data from the past 20 yrs to determine were going to hell.

  14. waiting till after oprah lol

  15. Interesting post. I’m a Christian, a pre-trib rapture believer and having read your post, my head did not explode nor did the post offend me.:) In fact, I can see why you are skeptical of all things “rapture”. That is the problem with people depending on man’s interpretation of the things of God instead of hearing His Voice on the matter.

    For starters we know that Revelation was written by John as it is stated in the very first verse of the first chapter. Nothing could be more clear than that so that’s a mystery solved.

    Secondly, God also states(that is the Voice I refer to…not some whisperings in my ear)that “no one knows the hour nor the day” of His return so, obviously, you can dismiss every “prophecy” that you have listed in this post as the ramblings of man and not the Word of God.

    And, last but certainly not least, any understanding of the true nature of God and His Word concerning the Rapture, or anything else, has to be reviewed through the lens of faith. Without that, errors and false prophecies are sure to abound because humans who do not heed the Word of God concerning them will fail every time. If it’s from God it will happen, if it’s not, it won’t. It’s just that simple. The folks listed above were “false prophets” simply because they weren’t hearing God but speaking out of their own intelligence, understanding and pride….a serious thing not to do.

    I can sense some skeptical humor, if not derision, in the above post and God can handle such questionings. However, He will not be mocked so perhaps it would be more prudent for you to read the Word of God, heed His Voice and pay no attention to the ramblings of men. Eternity is a long time no matter when it begins.

    God bless you in your pursuit of things rapturously.

  16. I am an evangelical Christian (actually a pastor’s wife) and I appreciate this blog entry so much! This has always been one of my pet peeves. It distracts and leads so many away from the real message of the Gospels…that God is love and wants to bring good things into our world and our lives if we accept the gifts He has given us –redemption, and truths that will help us lead peaceful, and productive lives. I don’t agree with everything you said, but perhaps it will wake some Christians up to see this kind of stuff doesn’t accomplish anything and does more harm than good.

  17. Great post Uppity,

    I’m still here so I guess I’m one of the heathens… Is anyone missing yet? I know there are some people I’d love to have disappear… :lol:

  18. OK everybody quick get in your cars and head for Atlanta, Georgia.

    I was recently on vacation in the Atlanta area and as it happens I met a young “working” girl that told me something very interesting. (Just in case any are wondering no I didn’t hire her) Anyway she told me that she had read somewhere that Nostradamus predicted the end of the world in 2012 and that the only place on earth that will survive is Atlanta, Georgia so that is why she moved there.

    So I say believing the hooker is just as good as any of the rest of these crackpots so let’s all head for Atlanta, LOL!

    THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN, LMAO…..sorry couldn’t resist.

  19. Anthony just for you……I didn’t ask her but she’d probably do her cousin or anyone else for a buck, LOL

  20. That will teach Somebody for listening to Nostradamnus or Likestohumpus.

  21. I was wondering where you got the swine flu from.

  22. Pastor’s Wife, besides being sensible, you’re a good sport. Thank you for that comment.

  23. goofsmom,I think we are all supposed to go together. Or stay together, whichever is the case. So we still have some hours to go. I think I will eat supper early tonight. I would hate to miss my supper.

  24. Lonni, i can go to the mats with the New Testament with anyone. I just choose not to. I’m too busy worrying about my own logs to be chastising anyone else. I think that’s REALLY prudent. The only people mocking God are the false prophets who perpetually predict the end of the world and the fools who believe them when they might better spend their living by example.

    God bless you in your pursuit of things rapturously.

    I LOVE this.

  25. Okay, Uppity, I took you at your word and have been waiting all day to watch the zealots be raptured. As a lurker, I am sorely disappointed in your sources of information, although I truly appreciate your scepticism on the matter. Will it ever happen? Please tell me it will, before I expire. There is nothing I would like better than to have peace, and something tells me that there won’t be any until the loony toon religious, of all faiths, shapes and sizes are raptured.
    BTW, no offense intended to truly religious, devout people who keep out of the bedrooms, bathrooms, bodies of those with whom they disagree and avoid trying to strongarm others to follow their dogma.

    P.S. Anthony, if you’re still around, watched the Sybill speaks – loved it! Well done.

  26. I’m not moving to Georgia. I would rather take my rapture chances than live with all those colorful snakes.

  27. Actually how I got the swine flu is a funny story and no it doesn’t involve a hooker.

    Our hotel had free wine and beer happy hour everyday, my oldest and super evangelical religious daughter was also on the trip. One afternoon my eldest daughter and a friend of hers joined my little one and I at the pool. My eldest asked me to get a little glass of each type of wine so that she could sample it. Well I wasn’t going to miss a chance at seeing my 23 year old finally let her hair down so I fetched wine and made a wine cooler. My oldest daughter sampled each glass turning her nose up at the taste. Her friend who is 25 tasted each one too. Unknown to us at the time my ten year old decided to do her own sampling and apparently really liked them all……..uh oh…..I have a 10 year old wino.

    The wine soon disappeared and the snickers from the 10 year old soon gave the entire thing away (insert me blushing and hanging my head in shame here). The next day on the ride home my 10 year old was thirsty so I let her have a sip of my drink rather than stop. The next day she was sick and the following day I got sick. It was a mystery until my eldest daughter’s friend confessed on facebook that she in fact had a fever the evening she visited us but didn’t think she was really sick or contagious HUH?……I don’t buy that she had 103.5 fever but reduced it with tylenol before visiting and contagious never crossed her mind???

    So again the order of wine and wine cooler tasting was….eldest daughter then her friend….glasses set to the side…..ten year old sneaks drinks….next day ten year old drinks from my glass. Hence how only the two of us got the swine flu and the eldest daughter escaped it.

    Moral…..don’t share your wine unless you want some swine.

    Also, I’m not going to get the mother of the year award……and I have a feeling my ten year old is going to be hell on wheels…..damn my older two were such good kids….sickening good in fact…..now that I’m older I get the hellion, oh boy!

    That is the story of Atlanta, wine, swine flu and under aged drinking.

  28. HT, you can have peace within yourself. I swear. Um, I swear to God. Ironically, I suspect that “expiring” is one way to make it happen, but I am not into doing it en masse. I prefer my own individual 15 minutes of fame in heaven.

  29. Somebody I do declare you should change your screen name to Typhoid Mary and scare the bejesus out of the Obamazoids at every blog. That way they will all run out and get that shot and we can see how many of them croak before we decide.

  30. Somebody, that is a priceless story, and to be honest, I suspect that your 10 year old will turn out to be the most interesting of all – quite a ride, from one who has been there, but oh, the memories.
    Uppity, I’m not ready to expire yet……and to some degree, I have peace – with myself at any rate. I don’t expect to meet you in heaven cause I’m somewhere between the dreaded “A’theist and “R”eincarnasionist. On the A side, I honestly don’t believe. On the R side, the thought of souls being reborn to mend their ways and atone is appealing. 6 of one, half dozen of another, however, if I believed in a heaven, there is no one I’d rather share a cloud with than you – constantly interesting seems a great way to share eternity. Back to anonymity, but here always!

  31. Thanks HT. I promise not to sing this song:

  32. Ok gang, you can’t see I haven’t humped it to make up for the paltry posts you were forced to incur during my vacation. I feel I deserve a standing ovation. Or at least a limp group clap.

  33. Uppity,

    I must comment on one point you glossed over that none of these nutbags you quote ever quite got:

    There is no mention of the “Rapture” in the Bible.

    The Revelation of St. John the Divine refers to the battle of Armageddon, but no rapture. The closest anyone can come is to take Paul/Saul of Tarses letter to the Thesselonians out of context as you mentioned above.

    Just an additional bit of trivia – did you know the Book of Revelation was not added to the official church canon at the Council of Nicea (when the rest of the books of the New Testament were assembled and confirmed). It was not considered canonical for years until the Council of Hippo in 393 when it was mentioned and has remained since.

    The only Rapture occurring today will be of the Liberal kind! (waving to John) But it did sell a lot of books for Tim LaHaye…

  34. Three cheers for Uppity

    Hip Hip Hooray
    Hip Hip Hooray
    Hip Hip Hooray

    How’s that?? Oh and btw Uppity the colorful snakes by and large are not the ones to worry about. Only the coral and the copperhead are colorful and poisonous.

    HT I’m sure my 10 year old will turn out to be quite interesting and to be honest I don’t care about the wine. She had far, far worse things in her body over the past two and half years of chemo she endured for her leukemia. Wine is quite tame by comparison.

  35. Somebody said: Anthony just for you……I didn’t ask her but she’d probably do her cousin or anyone else for a buck, LOL”

    I once was approached by a hooker on 12th Ave who asked for $6.50 and a bath………..

  36. Yeah GG, but you gotta admit I didn’t do too badly for three AM writing.

    I am just always amazed that the last words are “It is done”. And then up pops this hallucination.

  37. Uppity,

    You did superbly for 3 AM!!

  38. Three cheers for Uppity

    Hip Hip Hooray
    Hip Hip Hooray
    Hip Hip Hooray

    Where are the pom poms??????? I want pom poms!!!!!!

  39. OMG, Somebody, please tell us she’s in remission! Best wishes and healing thoughts coming your way.

    On the other tack, embrace her feistiness. It means she feels empowered, and I suspect that it’s thanks to you. She and others like here are the future – not the celebrity addicted culture and if she likes wine, sobeit, as long as she doesn’t become the non celebrity version of whichever spoiled brat who is in the news today..

  40. Uh pom poms???? Anybody out there got some pom poms???

    Anthony $6.50 and a bath hmmm interesting.

  41. HT yes she is in remission and has completed treatment. Hopefully that is all behind us. It did rob her of her childhood, that is so cliche so many people say that about children growing up fast these days…..but seriously years of chemo and fighting the grim reaper definitely made her grow up very, very fast.

    She is without a doubt feisty and has been since she was a toddler. It used to be frustrating to me, but I absolutely know that without that spirit she never would have survived what she has been through…..she had a lot of complications. So she is who she is meant to be and I truly appreciate that.

  42. Anthony,

    Did you make her take the bath first?

  43. Uppity,

    The best I can do is pomme frittes. But did you like the brass band I sent by your house?

  44. “Did you make her take the bath first?”

    Told her I’d be right back…. she’s still there

  45. mmmmmmmmm pomme frittes. Must have. Thanks for the grease attack!

    I LOVE brass bands! My dog and I actually travel to go to parades. I confess I am a parade freak.

  46. Somebody, thank goodness, and more power to her. She’s fought the worst, and has come out on top. There are many more firsts in your daughter’s life. I love my daughter, however, I wish she had an ounce of your’s spunk and determination. Kuddos to you for raising a determined, self directed survivor. Well done, Mom!
    As I only lurk here, I have no rite of passage, but would appreciate any updates in future…..BTW, bet she’s quite bright as well as all her other attributes.

  47. Check out THIS Marching Band.

  48. Great post UW. Someone or several someones predicted 2012 that some sort of celestial line up again occurs. Lots of solar flares are supposed to happen and do some damage to the orbiting satelites. No one mentioned the Rapture or The End Of The World, but some scientist (can’t remember where I read it) mentioned that instruments/tools that use those satelites (think cellular phones may not work as well and ATMs) might be affected. Not so Rapturous. LOL.

  49. Anyone else having trouble publishing to WordPress?

  50. Everything’s OK in DE land P4.

  51. “I feel I deserve a standing ovation.”

    UW,

    Already there. See “Daughter’s Name” thread, Mary@7:57PM.

    Thanks, UW

  52. “Rapture Day” has got to be one of the most memorable posts ever.

    “the pastor, who had an annoying sniffle that sounded suspiciously like he truly believed that Things Go Better With Coke,” RRRRRRRRRRROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

    “The dead will rise right up out of their graves”
    Listen, my mother has been gone for over 20 years, and I’m still fighting with her. Does this mean I have to start all over again, or do I just continue from where I am?

    OK, how’s this: if it was the end of the world, why would people get their property to the church or anyone else, since there’d be no world left in which to make use of said property?

    btw, Rosh HaShanah having ended on Sunday at sundown, there ain’t no ritual trumpet (shofar )sounding on Monday. So, Mr. Screwly, what you talkin’ about?

  53. Obviously, the world is going to end.

    I STILL CAN’T ^&#*&$ POST!

  54. Have you tried posting with different browsers?

  55. Somebody,

    I think I’ve fallen in love with your little one. May she go from strength to strength.

    You told the saga of the flu in the best tradition of those marvelous Southern writers. As for your older daughter’s friend, a good smack would not be amiss.

    I’m with UW. Forget Atlanta. I’m staying right here with the turkeys and the deer. Better to perish among the fauna than be raptured with the hooker.

  56. Crisis over. I had to restart to get the post to work

  57. Mary….raptured with the hooker???…..that has the makings of a really good romance novel, LMAO!!!

  58. Somebody,

    Is that what “those” books are called nowadays, romance novels? Snick-snark. :D

  59. Yes Mary that’s what they are called, LOL!

  60. No question, UW, the global warming/climate change movement is all about Ca Ching(!).

  61. Obviously, the world is going to end.

    I STILL CAN’T ^&#*&$ POST!

    OH ROFL! I just saw this. P4, you are on fire lately.

  62. “Fire and Ice ”

    Some say the world will end in fire,
    Some say in ice.
    From what I’ve tasted of desire
    I hold with those who favor fire.
    But if it had to perish twice,
    I think I know enough of hate
    To say that for destruction ice
    Is also great
    And would suffice.

    — Robert Frost

  63. If anyone wants to know what the really big biggies of Theology Past and Present believed about such things, Google “Famous Rapture Watchers” and (just in time before history really gets hot) “Famous Rapture Watchers – Addendum.” Never say you weren’t warned!

  64. BTW, the most famous Margaret of all time (see “1830″ above) – the one who made Hal Lindsey and Tim LaHaye millionaires – was the first person to teach a “pre-tribulation rapture.” For more info Google “Pretrib Rapture Diehards” and “X-Raying Margaret.” And if you’re into hushed-up scandals, Google “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty.”

  65. I personally don’t care to know anymore about this crackpot nonesense that’s been going on for centuries than I already know. I already know too much.

    You cannot know the time is good enough for me. It came from a much more reliable source. And well before Revelations. Following Man is just plain stupid.

  66. “You cannot know the time is good enough for me. It came from a much more reliable source. ”

    exactly….

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