Tired of that old boring Salmonella you hear is in your food every damned week? Bored with that silly E Coli from the “same old shit”?
Well, not to worry! American Big Agra has something new for your body to tinker with. And it has a really cool name too!
Listeria monocytogenes. How cool is that?
You haven’t lived until you ingest some Listeria. And you may not continue to live if you do.
Fresh Express, bringer of last month’s E Coli is now proud to present you with your first case of infection with Listeria monocytogenes. What a great company. And just think: You don’t have to live anywhere near Salinas to enjoy their special nutrients. They ship all over the place, because they are so special.
I think we should all contact Fresh Express and suggest that they have a Deadly Baterium Of The Month. After all, they have such a great start at it. No sense of breaking the momentum.
SALINAS, Calif. – Fresh Express is voluntarily recalling some of its salad products because of a possible health risk from Listeria monocytogenes.
The Salinas-base company is recalling 2,825 cases of its Veggie Lovers Salad. The recalled salad mix has a product code of I208 and use-by date of Aug. 10.
The salad is being pulled from shelves after one package tested positive for the bacterium in a sample test conducted by the Ohio Department of Agriculture. No illnesses have been reported, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration said.
The salad mix was distributed to 13 states with the potential for redistribution by customers to additional states.
You can get your Listeria in these states right now: Missouri, Michigan, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, New York, Kansas, Kentucky, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Boy, a whole boat load of far left Vegan Nutroots members are puking their guts up right now, you know? Let’s start a conspiracy theory! Life’s no fun without one with us at all times!
But don’t fret if your state isn’t on the list. You few right wingers who eat veggies now and then as condiments for your red meat could be affected too–if your arteries don’t harden and kill you first! There are expectations that Listeria will be visiting other states too! They just haven’t said which states yet. I love playing Food Roulette, don’t you? And with a Use By date of August 10 and a report dated August 12, you or your next of kin are sure to know by now if you are a lucky winner.
Veggie Lovers! Let me tell you what you win in this month’s Foodborne Death lottery:
Infection by L. monocytogenes causes the disease listeriosis. The manifestations of listeriosis include septicemia, meningitis (or meningoencephalitis), encephalitis, corneal ulcer, pneumonia, and intrauterine or cervical infections in pregnant women, which may result in spontaneous abortion (2nd/3rd trimester) or stillbirth. Surviving neonates of Fetomaternal Listeriosis may suffer granulomatosis infantiseptica – pyogenic granulomas distributed over the whole body, and may suffer from physical retardation. Influenza-like symptoms, including persistent fever, usually precede the onset of the aforementioned disorders. Gastrointestinal symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may precede more serious forms of listeriosis or may be the only symptoms expressed. Gastrointestinal symptoms were epidemiologically associated with use of antacids or cimetidine. The onset time to serious forms of listeriosis is unknown but may range from a few days to three weeks. The onset time to gastrointestinal symptoms is unknown but probably exceeds 12 hours.
But not to worry! Only a couple of those things can result in a miserable death. And really, what’s a little blindness in exchange for a really good veggie salad, you know? At least you won’t be dead from septicemia, meningitis or encephalitis. Celebrate!
Don’t forget to eat your carrots, ya hear?
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