Sunday Snark (and Open Thread)

First spoken by my sainted Grandmother, Genevieve, who knew I would never STFU.  Ever.

Sunday at Uppity Woman is like an old fashioned family dinner, where friends and family drop by throughout the day and share their time.  Our virtual family comes together, and we catch up on news, gossip, and musings. Like any family,there are bound to be differences of opinion and most of these are resolved firmly and respectfully.  Its a great good place of camaraderie and love (sometimes tough love), and I’m delighted to be aboard.

IN SHORT, ITS A FIRST RATE “THIRD PLACE”:

Ray Oldenburg  identifies third places, or “great good places,” as the public places on neutral ground where people can gather and interact. In contrast to first places (home) and second places (work), third places allow people to put aside their concerns and simply enjoy the company and conversation around them. Third places “host the regular, voluntary, informal, and happily anticipated gatherings of individuals beyond the realms of home and work.” Oldenburg suggests that beer gardens, main streets, pubs, cafés, coffeehouses, post offices, and other third places are the heart of a community’s social vitality and the foundation of a functioning democracy. They promote social equality by leveling the status of guests, provide a setting for grassroots politics, create habits of public association, and offer psychological support to individuals and communities.

It’s 1:30 AM as I write, and I think its only fitting that I do this from the perspective of the beer gardens and pubs that Oldenburg mentions.  I have a fresh Martini by my side, so here we go…   “DRUNK TALK” is what my friend Mack calls having a controversial conversation in a pub with the intention of getting others to chime in and add their two cents. Mack (whose real name is Marie) stands about 6 feet tall and weighs in at about 180 lbs. I once called her “statuesque” and she slapped me.  She describes herself as “Ralph Kramden in drag” (there’s always red lipstick), and is often accompanied by her partner Lois, who is a dead ringer for Sharon Stone (think Basic Instinct). Lois has a mean-ass left hook, so she’s great to have around when things get out of hand.

Here’s how DRUNK TALK works:

On the day that our dear POTUS declared he wasn’t going to do jack shit about gay marriage announced his support of gay marriage, I got a text from Mack:

Mack: Drunktalk? Me: Where? Mack: Nuthouse in 30 min Me: I’m there

I was being summoned to St. Dymphna’s, an Irish pub on the Lower East Side.  St. Dymphna is the patron of the insane and a fitting mascot for the regulars, who are all out of their minds.  I finally get there and she said “Did you hear what Obama did today?”  I rolled my eyes and said “Bitch, please…  I’m trying to drink”  She bellowed “He approved Gay Marriage!”  Heads turned, I think the juke box went off. “Mack, I heard the news.  He approved nothing.  He just said he’s going to keep things exactly the same and pander for the LGBT vote!” With that, some burly guy lumbered over and said “Yeah – I heard that. Know what I think?” I looked at Mack, and out of the corner of my mouth said “Where the fuck is Lois?” Mack starts texting furiously. I said “OK, I’ll bite – what do you think?”  He said “I think gay marriage should be legal.  My son is gay and I’d like to see him get married. It was all his mothers fault.  She made him a homosexual”.  I heard a voice behind me say “If I buy her the wool, can she make me one in cashmere?”  It was Lois. Burly guy stops dead in his tracks, and after a second said “Probably not. She can barely make coffee in the morning.” Then, everyone starts talking about gay marriage and the “Yeas” and the “Nays” square off into lively discussion.  In the end, everyone decided that gay people deserve to be as miserable as everyone else, shots were poured and lots of hand shaking, back slapping and laughter prevailed.  The one thing that everyone agreed on was that the POTUS was full of shit, and not fooling anyone.  Which brings me to…

ANDERSON COOPER

Anderson Cooper came out of the closet on July 2.  Hello?      HELLOOOOOO???  Anyone here??? Almost everyone I know said they thought he already did that, but some people were truly surprised.  I even heard someone say “Oh, no! I really liked him! I thought he was such a good reporter… What a disappointment!”  Again – Bitch, please……. This time, it was I who texted Mack.  We met at one of my favorite pubs, The Dead Poet, to trot the news out.  There was really not too much talk, except for one annoying drunk broad who started slagging Gloria Vanderbilt. I asked her if she knew her, and she said “I used to see her at Studio 54.  I never thought she’d have to go through this!”  I asked her if she really thought that Gloria was capable of raising a son who would be straight, after the way she used to dress him, and she had to retract her statement. I personally don’t have a problem with him one way or the other. What I do have is a GREAT pic of him and his mother, where you can see a great bond between them if you CLICK HERE

Not to be outdone, R&B singer Frank Ocean also came hurtling out of his own closet two days later. Ocean, who is a protege of Kanye West (go figure) said “By the time I realized I was in love, it was malignant.”  Um…. yeah.  Russell Simmons wrote a statement of support saying “Today is a big day for hip-hop.” Right, Russell.  We know how much the hip-hop community loves gays…..  His bandmate ‘Tyler the Creator’ was a bit more eloquent with his Tweet:  “F–king Finally Sus Boy @frank_ocean Hahahaha, You Still Aint Got No B—hes Hahaha My N—a Dawg,” he tweeted. “My Big Brother Finally F–king Did That. Proud Of That N—a Cause I KNow That Sh-t Is Difficult Or Whatever.”

So far, no one has said “If I had a son, he’d look like Frank Ocean”, but there’s always tomorrow.

CEE LO GREEN PISSES OFF ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUP

Cee Lo Green is still using his cockatoo as a mascot on The Voice despite animal activists concerns that the bird would stress out or self mutilate. The “Forget You” singer recently announced that he will be replacing his pet cat Purrfect with a Moluccan cockatoo named Lady on Season three, and animal rights group Born Free is trying to stop him.

I don’t know anything about cockatoos, but they said the exact same thing about Christina, and she seems to be doing just fine…

NOT YOUR FATHER’S GOP

I can hear it now – and the answer is “Hell no – I’m not a Republican”, but I do have to give props where I see them. It seems a group of younger fun-loving Republicans called Republican Party Animals are doing their best to keep us amused.  In response to Ann Marie Habershaw’s email to lure the brainless walking dead into donating $3 to have dinner with the Obamas, the Animals have come up with a great idea. The email warns contest entrants not to use the mini bar, so what do these nut jobs do? They offer to pay the bar tab…….

To expect someone to head out for a night with Barack and Michelle without first downing a few mini-bottles of vodka, whiskey, or rum, is cruel and unusual punishment. We will not stand for it, and we will not stand by without lending a hand to our fellow Americans.

SOURCE

I have a few more tidbits to share, but now its 3:45am (those Martinis really take their toll), and I have to hit the sack.

I had a lot of fun writing this, and hope you get a chuckle or two.  Thanks so much!

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