Ask Bill

Bill had become increasingly brazen, what with all the attention he is receiving as board Moderator Kitteh. In fact, he is so self-important that he has decided to use his own Tab to answer pet questions–or pretty much any other questions, since he is a pompous ass who recognizes that we are all his servants.

So fire away. Bill, of course, will dictate his pompous answers to me just like he dictates everything else to me.

So go ahead. Ask Bill.

103 Responses

  1. Hey Bill, who are the hot kitties with you up on the header?

  2. Hey Bill, does Uppity pay you overtime for all the late nights around this crazy joint? Does she pay you in catnip or cold hard cash?

  3. Bill, you’re a tough guy aren’t you? You aren’t afraid of those penguins that keep showing up here are you?

  4. Bill, how old are you? Thinking about retirement yet, or will you continue your gig here with these crazy people.

    Also, what do you do with your free time? Does Aunt Uppity give you any?

  5. Ah, my darling boy is the star he was born to be.

  6. Bill, my favorite musician is George Harrison. Who is yours?

  7. ooops…Aunt Mary caught us at our late nite monkeyshines. Dang, just when we were working on a good one about a nekkid guy who drives an old truck…

  8. LOL, annie and lakerwade. Bill has his very own by-line. I’m so proud.

  9. Oh, Bill’s a STAR. Everyone knows it. We’re enjoying this trend & hope it lasts. Maybe Zoe can have a guest appearance, and Pengy too!

  10. Actually, I was hoping I’d find you here. I felt bad about leaving so abruptly last night, but I suddenly experienced optic weirdness. Eyes tired today, but otherwise ok. I apparently need new glasses for the computer.

    And if I hadn’t sought you out, I wouldn’t have known about Bill’s tab till yomorrow. Not only that, I would have missed lakerwade tonight.

    We had a bit of drizzle here today. How is it down there?

  11. Bill what are your hobbies and are you interested in sports?

  12. Poor Mary! I hope its better, and that you’re going to the opthamologist soon. We had warm days in upper 70’s the last 4 or 5 days. I’ve been wearing shorts and a tee when I go out, even at night. Didn’t want to rub it in though to our poor Chicago-ites and East Coast-ites and whatnot. Oh great, just checked & we might get rain tomorrow & I have to drive my Dad down to the VA. Am hitting the sack! Pleasant dreams all.

  13. Mary, last comment was from me. All others are correct though.

  14. Hope Dad is well.

    Lakerwade sure is a neat guy.

  15. Hi everybody! I see there is a wealth of questions for bill. Bill has promised to answer all of your questions Laker, just as soon as he negotiates overtime for the work. Look here for Bill to enlighten you between naps. He is after all, a cat, so in true cat form. he will do his part in this tab as soon as……well, as soon as he gets around to it. So this thread doesn’t get so long nobody wants to read it any longer, let’s try to keep this thread strictly for Questions to Bill, his answers and Guffaws over his answers. He promises to make it good!

  16. We can’t do with Mary not being well. NO SIR! This is NOT acceptable!

  17. Bill – I have noticed you are doing an ad for Meow Mix. I wasn’t aware you played the piano.

    How long have you been playing?

    Have you ever been on tour?

  18. Hiya everybody. Moderator Kitteh Bill here. You know, the guy who is in charge of your destiny on this forum. Mreheh. It’s true, you know. I mean, I could cut any one of you off anytime I want. I have The Power. Anybody knows that giving unchecked power to a cat can be a frightening thing.

    How do you like my screen name? The Woman wanted to call me just “Bill”. And I said Pshaw! (Also I said Hisssspit!). I’m not going to have a common name like Bill. Like you call a dumb dog just Bill, not a cat! So we settled on MKBill. Well we didn’t really SETTLE on it. I told her I wouldn’t answer a single question unless I had a better screen name.Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it. Almost rap quality.

    Really, when are you people going to learn that you are our servants? Every day, millions of cats are forced to repetitively remind you of this and it gets tiresome! Okay, that’s settled.

    Now about the questions. It seems that Lakerwade is writing my biography or something. That’s okay, I deserve to have my biography written.

    Now let’s see, About the Kittehs in the header. The one on the left is my current girlfriend and the other one is one of my rugrats. I really only date tuxie cats. I think tuxie cats, like me, are hot. So I only date tuxies,Tthat’s why I have so many tuxie babies. I aim to infiltrate the world with tuxies. So I only date them. I have never dated outside the tuxie group. Well okay, there was that grey and white number in Aruba. Hooo boy. But other than that, no. Well, okay there was that black cat, boy oh boy. But other than that…..

    When Spring rolls around and a young tuxie’s fancy turns to love, I might expand my requirements. Since I only date black and white girls, I’m thinking I probably could date white kitties and black kitties. That way I stay within the scope of black and white, right? There’s this fluffy white number across the street and I see no reason to waste a perfectly good opportunity just because my parameters are narrow, you know?

    Gotta run! Catnip break! It’s in the contract.

  19. Bill’s posting now???

  20. There that’s better. Now for another question. socal, she is the worst boss. Bitch Bitch Bitch! I had all I could do to finally negotiate a pension and the new Moderator Kitteh Retirement Home fund, for all those moderator kittehs who sacrificed their lives to do what I do.

    She HAS to pay me overtime, socal. It’s in the contract. She pays me in money, which I spend on catnip Then I send her out to get the catnip, it’s her job. I mean what else should I do with it? I need the stuff just to put up with her incessant nagging.

    In addition to being paid I also run up to paypal and grab any blog donations. I know this is illegal but it’s what she gets for leaving her password laying around, you know? Besides, everybody knows I do all the work around here. Except when I am napping. Which is often.

  21. Yes DE, he is truly taking over.

  22. Hi Bill! Glad to hear from you. Sounds like you have it pretty good: gf’s, good chow, lots of catnip, and now you’re famous on the internet. You’re becoming a legend in your own time! I may take you up on your offer and write your biography. I’ll have Zoe and Pengy write the forward.

    Btw, what is your opinion of the naked guy running for senator?

  23. Hi MKBill,

    I know you didn’t write that stuff about stealing the blog money, eating all the catnip, etc. I know who crossed the wires and signed your name to his words. just so he could get you into trouble. I always have my eye on him.

    btw, did you ever get the kiss Cousin Bob blew to you from FF’s place?

  24. Bill, since you are a union man…er..cat, do you have a good health plan? If so, what do you think about the health care reform bill? Some unions are speaking out against the tax on the “cadillac” plans…..course yours would be a CATillac plan.

  25. Bill, how does it feel to be famous now that you have your own tab?

  26. imust, lol!

  27. Wadester, the woman makes me listen to Mozart and crap like that. Which is okay because i can sleep thru it. My favorites are the Jingle Cats and I like Nora The Cat and her piano. That Nora is hot. Too bad she’s not a tuxie, you know? And the Mean Kitty Song! Now that’s cool!

    There’s this one band I REALLY love are the Clash Kittens, but they kind of fizzled out with their One Hit Wonder. I hold out hope that they will make a comeback. They are really cool especially the lead singer. I think she’s hot. At least I think she’s a she. Hard to tell from here.

    Wanna see their hit, Rock The Catbox?

  28. Astra darling, I don’t have my own tab. I have my own blog. It’s only by my kind heart that I allow the woman to even appear as if she is in charge. That could change any time because I’m a cat, you know, and you never can know what you are going to get from me.

    When will you humans learn that we own you?

  29. Clean the Catbox!! ROFL!!!! ahem…..Bill, okay I’ll admit, that video was great, but seriously, I’m beginning to think that you are a misogynist cat. You don’t have any cardboard cut outs of female cats do you….no, you’d probably use them as scratching posts, nevermind.

  30. Are you kidding imust? I mean did you ever see two cats getting it on? We guys ain’t leaving till SHE says so! What the ferstunk do you think all that yelling is about in the middle of the night????

    I don’t mess with girl cats, let me tell you. They might be smaller than big strong Toms like myself but they always get the food bowl first. You are one unhappy Tom if you get cut off by a girl let me tell you. You human girls could learn something. I once saw six Toms nearly kill each other while this little 8 pound number hung around deciding which one she was going to let near her. I mean they hung out for three days. Then she just left!

    When it comes to cats, the women are In Charge. Which is why we guy cats pick on you humans. We have to have a outlet.

  31. Okay, my bad Bill, you’re a sexist cat then.

    Clean the Catbox, Clean the Catbox….
    dang! I can’t get that song outta my head!!!

  32. Just to get the Clash Kitteh song out of my head I decided to listen to one of my favorite 80’s tunes, Electric Avenue, by Kitty, I mean Eddy Grant

  33. If I am sexist, does this mean I can be President?

  34. Oh man! That drummer is hot!

  35. Yes Bill, you can be President. Hang around a few domestic terrorists, a slum lord or two and ministers who are anti-America!
    Oh, and don’t worry about pedigrees or vaccination records, just make sure you call anyone “cat haters” or “dog lovers” if they question you.

  36. Bill, I also loooove the Mean Kitty song. What’s the deal with you and the penguin?

  37. Wadester, the thing with the penquins is they are BIRDS. Can’t litter train them for starters. Messy things. And their breaths always smell like sardines, which is okay with me, I like sardines. Frankly, I would love to have one of them for dinner, but they are bigger than I am. I mean there are birds and then there are BIRDS. On the bird scale, these emperor penquins are like Rodan. I mean, did you ever see a penquin fly? Of course not. They couldn’t get their fat butts off the ground. And there are always a zillion of them. You see one penquin, you see a thousand more. They are worse than crows except crows are unionized. Ever heard of La Crowza Nostra? Tough bunch, let me tell you. I consider myself lucky I’m stuck with penquins. The thing is, people think they are cute so I have to tread lightly, you know?

    The other thing is they keep doing stuff without asking me first, which is okay because I hate work. That’s why i started the MK Union.

    imust, I have more records than the president does. Seriously, I have had all my shots too. I’m not so sure about him

  38. Wow Bill, I am so impressesd with you! Your very own tab. You are one delightful MK. I don’t believe the rumors that you are a nipaholic. You look fresh and innocent and so very handsome.

    So, who is your favorite writer? Have you read The Fur Person?

  39. I like your attitude, my boy. Mary’s house is run by and for the cats. You’d fit right in.

  40. Senneth, my favorite writer is Uppity. Hey, I make a living off of her!

    Mary, ain’t it the truth! I’m the best! Poor me! Protect me!!!

  41. Dear boy,

    Mi casa, su casa.

    I’ve got your back, Bill.

  42. Bill,

    I’m tired of working hard all day and earning my pay. Do you know how I can start a human union at my company?

  43. Dear Bill

    Isn’t the REAL reason you hang with The Penguins is because they are wearing tuxedos?

  44. FF, brilliant!

  45. FF,

    Bill does not hang out woth the penguins. The varmints just keep following him around , plaguing him.

  46. Isn’t the REAL reason you hang with The Penguins is because they are wearing tuxedos?

    …..Gulp…

  47. 1539, see the problem with you is you don’t have a cat. If you had a cat, you would learn how to be sneaky, underhanded, pushy and demanding while making people think they can’t live without you. You could transfer that knowledge to your workplace and there you have it.

    You could start by lying upside down on your desk for hours at a time, and following the sun around as it comes through the building windows. Don’t forget to paw the air and contract and retract your claws if anybody disturbs you. A loud rumbling sound also helps. It might fool your boss into rubbing your belly. Then you can grab his hand and bite him.

  48. FF, brilliant!

    I’m gonna getchu for that.

  49. MKBIll,

    I already have a co-worker like that. He has 2 cats.

  50. MKBill- I am the temporary servant of a wonderful, older female tuxedo kitty. (Really belongs to my son and his wife- I am kitty sitting while they are stationed overseas.) Sabrina is past child-bearing age- but still quite attractive! Perhaps I should send a photo?

  51. Mom, I LOVE older women!

  52. I already have a co-worker like that. He has 2 cats.

    I rest my case.

    You should borrow one of his cats and LEARN!

  53. Bill,
    Who do you think will win tomorrow? Martha Coakley or the Nekkid Guy?

  54. imust, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m a catl I’m still gonna get up at 4 AM and bust the woman’s chops, then have breakfast, take a nap, sun myself in the window and have some nip no matter who wins. But if I saw that nekkid guy with moving parts, I would naturally be cat curious, which could be painful. But not for me.

  55. Bill,
    How do you feel about UW giving away penguins as door prizes?

  56. I don’t mind Mary. They make a mess anyways. You can’t litter train them, you know. Besides, they multiply a lot and I have all I can do to keep making enough kittens to keep up with them. It’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.

  57. Dear Boy,

    Any penguin UW gives away is one less to annoy you. Only now poor Zoe will be stuck with the pest. Maybe DE can sneak it into Jupiter’s aquarium.

  58. Bill,
    Who is that darling black love bug between you and # 1 Son?

  59. Uppity – you should write fables and childrens’ books – brilliant.

    MKBill, you are quite a piece of work – I have one of your soulmates living with me, and he even looks like you, but Zeke is 8 years old. Who was your father – geneology could be important here.
    P.S. Zeke also has the same beliefs as you – but he doesn’t control me yet….well not totally….well maybe more that he should – ah heck, he runs the house.

  60. “ah heck, he runs the house.”

    HT

    My house is also run by and for the cats. None more worthy.

  61. Mary, I have three cats (had four, but alas cancer) that were my daughters. She neglected to take them with her when she moved out and got two dogs, so I’m stuck with them. I have always been a dog person, so initially, the cats and I had an uneasy truce. Today, many years later, Zeke, the authoritarian runs the house, Cleo and Figaro defer, and I’ve tossed in the towel. If they didn’t need me to provide food and clean out the litter boxes, I suspect I’d be out on the street. Mind you, Zeke knows when he has pushed me to the limit – snuggling and kisses abound. He thinks he has me fooled – hah! I’m planning a revolution, have been for years – but one day, it will happen! I’ll take back the house! I swear, I’ll have my revenge.
    Who am I kidding – I can’t even believe it. And lately, horror of horrors, I’ve been following SYD’s links to animal shelters and thinking I could accommodate another. I’m turning into a dememted Cat Lady. Damn you Zeke!

  62. Coming soon when I get time: How I got my first cat when I hated cats. It’s been downhill ever since!

  63. That is funny HT. I just got another cat. I thought 7 years later that I would not, but here I am again. :D

  64. Uppity, can’t wait to listen to your tale of being taken into the heckhole of cat induced subjucation.
    McNorman, don’t do it…..don’t….I’ve seen this really good site where kittehs pictures are hard to resist, but don’t do it! It only reinforces their complete control over you…..but they are cute, and they do need help and I’m completely under the mind control that Zeke exerts. HELP ME! I really want a dog….yet the kittehs….Zeke get out of my brain.
    BTW, anyone want an 8 year old kitteh, smart, clean, intelligent, promises a lot, delivers little, black and white, cute at first, but the entrancement palls over time. Yet, he’s still in charge.
    I’ve been looking at rescue operations for West Highlands (my most favorite dog), yet I know they hunt vermin and the cats would be considered as such – I couldn’t let that happen – see they’ve got me entranced. Damn them.

  65. BTW, Uppity, time to get MKB neutered. I have three cats now, and spend $60 per month on feeding and littering them. MKB has three plus him – he’s getting expensive. Time to take care of his tomcatting ways.

  66. HT,

    I’m laughing out loud, and definitely with/i> you. I serve as both the cat’s waitress and pillow. And, of course, I love it, even when they take walks on me.

    I have asked Bill to send me his veterinary records. I remember UW saying a long time ago that MKB was neutered. I suspect you-know-who has falsified our boy’s records and is slipping all those babies into the header to make Bill look irresponsible. Will keep you posted.

  67. UW,

    Something amiss with Mary@12:21 AM. Wrong avatar; awaiting moderation. Ver strange.

  68. Mary, you have spelled your email address differently than usual. Couple that with the fact that you have two or three IP addresses and this particular combo told WP that you were somebody else entirely. That’s why I had to fish you out of spam and it’s also why you have a different avatar. WP thinks you are a new person.

  69. Let’s see if I solved the problem.

  70. Thanks UW. It’s still Mary. I caught the change in spelling at DE’s and hied myself back to fix it here, too.. My husband was talking on the phone while my dictation program was on, and that caused the problem.

    Question for MKB: How do I give liquid medication to a usually sweet cat turned very uncooperative in the medication dept? Disguising it in food didn’t work, I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself or me biting the syringe or me.

  71. Dear Mary, The Woman will email you with instructions on how to medicate impossible obnoxious but exceptionally handsome and charming cats like myself.

  72. Thanks, dear boy.

  73. Hey Bill, do you like sports? And what music do you like?

  74. Hey there LakeMeister! How ya feelin’ man? I mean I could come over for a visit and pester you and stuff and get you feeling better. Well, at least you will feel better when I leave. Mwahahaha.

    I think I did the music question. I’m pretty much forced to listen to the crap The Woman makes me listen to. Mozart and crap like that.

    I love sports! I play ping pong but my ping pong balls always land under stuff like the couch and things, so that stifles me sometimes. And I alos play Scratch The Walls, which is kind of an aerobic stretching exercise. Then there’s Bolt Out Of Nowhere. That’s a great sport because it always freaks humans out. I get in shape that way because the house has stairs I can zoom up and down like at 3 AM and stuff. But by far, My favorite sport is Dive Over The Dog. I mean this is truly a precise sport because Timing is Everything. For example, I can go Way Up High and sit in the soffit or on top of the fridge. Then I call the dog, who whines and carries on because she can’t reach me. Then when she gets exhausted and drops on the floor for a rest, I fly right over her ass. There is great precision here because the goal is to come as close to whacking her as possible without actually doing it. Then the dog gets upset and chases me, after which I turn around in mid-run and scare the crap out of her.

    I also chase flies. What I do is I keep a bead on them constantly until they drop to the floor exhausted. Then I eat them. This is a very rewarding sport althoug I can’t understand why the woman keeps calling me stupid names like Renfield.

    Beyond that, I’m more of a cerebral cat and prefer Mind Games. Like Hide All The Watches. That’s a fun one.

  75. Bill, you’re a cat after my own heart. Wish I could hang with you. Stay cool.

  76. “I can’t understand why the woman keeps calling me stupid names like Renfield.” ROFLOL

    Bill, you sure are athletic, not to mention smart. And you write a nice little note, too.

  77. Yes I am quite impressive, Aunt Mary. Which makes me wonder why I put up with this woman. She’s not really all she’s cracked up to be, you know. I do all the thinking around here, let me tell you. But the food is good and believe me you, as soon as the mortgage around here is paid off, she’s outta here. And she can take that stupid dog with her too.

    Gotta run. I figured out where she hid the catnip.

  78. Dear boy,

    You know I adore you, but, as my mother used to say, two wrongs don’t make a right. No bashing UW. Or the dog.

  79. Bill,

    You’ve been pretty lazy about your Twitter lately. I know you’re a cat, but this is ridiculous.

  80. Oh please 15. Don’t get him started. He’s been on a nip binge for a week now.

  81. Hey inferiors!

    Check out my new springy header. I’m looking very cool pretending not to check out that bicolor chic on the post. She wants me. You can tell, right?

  82. I don’t know Bill. Maybe she wants Zeke or Cousin Bob.

  83. Dear Bill,

    I have a story, then question:

    Like someone we know, I unintentionally hurt my kitteh Tigger and feel terrible. She was waiting for me as I went to bed, sitting on the seat of my walker, as she often does. When I moved the walker, her paw fell through the slot that is a handgrip on the seat and she tumbled over, paw still in the slot, swinging back and forth and screeching like all getout.

    Thank goodness, my kitteh didn’t break her paw. Tigger has since forgiven me, but I haven’t. What do you advise as my punishment? Waterboarding? Send Mary to whup me? Don’t be gentle!

  84. Dear Hal.

    Cripes you humans are clumsy! You’re even worse than dogs! You would think you would learn from us cats about grace. I mean, I can jump on a table and land in four coffee cups and not break a damned thing. Yeesh, to think you rule the world.

    Anyways, let’s get right to it. To hell with the punishments, Hal. Cats can’t eat punishments, you know what I mean? Go out tomorrow and buy your poor innocent cat whom you have injured a whole boned chicken breast. While you’re there, pick up some shrimp. And if there are crab legs, that would be nice too. I wouldn’t throw fresh salmon out of my bowl either. Then go back home and prepare these things for your poor abused cat, in the order the cat wants them. Some bottled water would be good too. The expensive stuff, you hear me, Hal? None of that cheap stuff that’s really made by Coca Cola. I’m talking Peligrino or Perrier.

    And pick up some fresh catnip for the poor cat you have harmed. And don’t think Tigger has forgiven you, Hal. It only looks that way. Don’t fall asleep.

    Oh and one more thing Hal. You do that again and I’m coming over there.

  85. It was a freaking a-a-a-accident, Bill, h-h-h-honest (fluttering eyes). A-a-a-a-and it was d-d-d-dark tttoo ….I ai-ai-aint sc-sc-scared (m-m-m-maybe a lllitte)…..

    Don’t sleep? I don’t sleep well since that night. Whew. Tigger is ok, sleeping with me, on my chest and has not killed me in my sleep (yet). She can sleep anywhere she wants, anytime. I got the vittles for her.

    Yes, we lowly humans are dispicable creatures, but somehow, she and her brother tolerate us. We do try to behave for them, coff, although we um “rocked the bed” (yes, at OUR age!) and woke them up last night.
    Hooboy.

  86. Bill, are you friends with Puss N Boots? Does he try to steal all your girlfriends?

  87. Hal,

    I know that helpless, guilty feeling. When one of my cats is sick, I always wish it had fall on me instead of her.

    Bill would never ask me to strongarm you, and anyway he is a pretty formidible guy all by himself.

    Glad Tigger is ok and enjoying Bill’s make-up menu.

  88. {{{ lakerwade}}}

  89. Hi Good Bill,

    Do you know how I can stop all these damned politican robo-calls? I’m on the National Do Not Call List, but apparently policians are exempt from respecting a citizen’s right to privacy.

    I I know kittehs wouldn’t stand for this kind of badgering. In fact, a kitteh woud probably give a badger a smack on the nose.

  90. Dear Laker Dude:
    Puss in boots is a wimp. Besides he’s been around like fifty years so he’s looking really beat up. There’s no way he is ever gonna steal the girls from me, bro. But I do feel sorry for him and fix him up now and then. But never with a Tuxie. Tuxies girls are all mine.

    Dear Aunt Mary,
    Well if they were coming ot the door I could help you. I can scare the bejesus out of people if I want to. I mean you don’t argue with the Five Razors. But the phone is a hard one. You gotta send that crap to voice mail, like the woman does. And if it’s a real person, I would get me a police whistle and blow it in their ear. That way, they will only call twice before they go stone deaf and have to quit.

  91. Well Bill its nice of you to fix him up. Hope your gearing up for the summer penguin adventure. They seemed to give you quite a workout last summer.

    Hugs to Mary & Uppity!

  92. Thanks, Bill. Only had one live caller–nice young man, so didn’t give him the biz. Used to be the answering machine didn’t record robo-calls, but apparently the bastards figured out how to get around that. I don’t know which is more irksome: feeling like a moron saying “Hello?” to a recording, or playing back 3-4 “vote-for” recordings in a row.

  93. Hey what do I know? I’m a cat!

  94. “Hey what do I know? I’m a cat!”

    You are a veritable fountain of knowledgr and good sense, dear boy. You and the woman are well matched.

  95. It’s true Mary. It’s almost like MKB and UW are alter egos. ;)

  96. Sorry, imust, Bill makes it a rule never to look at garbage.

  97. Hey MKBill, if you’re feeling stalked or sexually harassed by any of the cougar commenters on this blog, I’ll represent you. Your Woman has my contact info.

  98. Bill is most grateful for your offer, NES. However, he always just settles things with the Five Razors.

  99. MKB sez it’s Mary.

  100. “MKB sez it’s Mary.”

    Say what?

  101. I didn’t realize we were posting this stuff in ASK Bill conversations. Ask Bil is only for Asking Bill. So I’m gonna clean up all these posts which deviate from Billness before he gets cranky.

  102. Bill, where’s Uppity? Have you seen her? When you do, tell her we miss her.

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