Reporting In From the Uppity Archives

Imust here, sending you this report from deep in the Uppity Archives. I’ve been lost down here for weeks, but I don’t really care as I’ve been laughing my you-know-what off reading all these Uppity posts! Luckily, I have good wi-fi, so I’ve been able to share some with you! Here’s another gem from 2010.

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Christmas gifts you know you can relate to in our Recovered Economy™ by Uppity Woman. (First published 12/21/10)

It’s that time of year again. With our Recovered Economy™, I know that you will be looking to spend all that extra disposable income you have left over from your unemployment check. Why not shop for things the creatures in DC already own as a normal course of things? After all, they represent your best interests, so it stands to reason that you must be doing as well as they are and will need some of these devices, some of which are priced very reasonably.

Meet Moshi.

Moshi is an alarm clock that sets itself at your command, freeing up more time so you will have more time to say you have no time. Why take the chance of harming your finger when you can just command your alarm clock to wake you up at Noon to a nice brunch your servants have prepared for you?

You: “Hello Moshi.”

Moshi: “Command Please.”

You: “Set Alarm.”

Moshi: “Tell me the time you want the alarm to sound.”

You: “12 Noon, but don’t wake my mistress.”

Moshi: “Alarm will sound at 12 Noon.”

Your Senator probably has a Moshi in his office quarters, for those annoying times when he has to be awakened to vote on a bill to name another airport after himself. So you should have one too. And it’s well-priced at $69.95,   just don’t set it for Noon if you still have a job,  because your Senator is counting on you to get up and keep going to that mundane, underpaid job at Home Depot you were forced to take after your Engineering job was eliminated. He needs your tax money to set up another Commission to study ways to reduce your income even further.

Note: This item is not effective when given as a gift to that 25 year-old  dependent adult child you still have at home – who has promised to look for a job in the morning even if it isn’t the Upper Level Management position he’s been holding out for. Besides, the item is too cheap for him. Try for a Movado watch.

*****

Okay, you love your jewelry. Just like your Senator and his/her family loves them their jewelry.

But there is so much of it! Gold, diamonds, gold, diamonds. Rolexes. It’s all so confusing and such a pain in the ass to clean!

Worse yet, your housekeeper does such a horrible job of cleaning it all for you, but she’s so reasonably priced, being here illegally and all. So, you find an inexpensive solution to the annoying, time-consuming Cleaning of The Jewelry.

Keep that Tiffany signature nice and clean for $49.95 with the Ultrasonic Jewelry Cleaner.

See? Who says you can’t afford to live like your Senator does?  Okay, you might not have enough jewelry to clean, since you sold most of the  18-karat stuff that was handed down from generation to generation so you could make a mortgage payment, but since the Recovered Economy™ is now here, things should change really soon and it won’t be long before you can visit Tiffany’s again and make up for it!

Buy ahead and avoid the rush! Jewelry not included.

*****

Say guys!  I’ve got an idea!

Why not buy your wife a nice piece of jewelry like your Senator does right after he gets caught cheating with that little intern?

If he’s a Democrat, he will leave it on her pillow and sneak out of the house to avoid discussion. If he’s a Republican he will leave it on her pillow with a note that says God forgives him and she should too.

Might I recommend the little diamond pendant in the rendering?  It’s set in platinum for $118,000 at Tiffany’s. Now don’t get all in a fluster. If you don’t have the money, just ask an illegal alien how to steal the identity of  a dead person you never liked – and just charge it! Get yourself a nice Rolex while you’re at it.

*****

For the kids who expect more expensive gifts from their unemployed parents, the AR Drone helicopter is sure not to disappoint. Just plank it on your 29% interest-rate charge card and worry about it later.

Why make your kids climb a tree or actually move and get some fresh air, when they can pretend to navigate a helicopter right from your basement window while eating their Cheetos–and limber up their thumbs besides?  He will be so happy, he might even text you to say Thanks Mom and Dad!  Make that THX M n D!

As a bonus, for $299, you can actually get your kid away from that computer for a half hour.

*****

Okay let’s not jerk around here with these little pissant conveniences any longer.

Ladies! You and I both know that you come home from work tired. Now you can get yourself a Zero-Gravity Massage chair.

When you come home from work, after picking up the kids, and you start dinner and pay off some of the bills, your heart will warm knowing that your husband, who works at the same place you do and does the same job, only for more money,  is relaxing with the UAstro Massager.

You haven’t had the chance to try it out yourself yet,  but judging from the look on his face (see photo) as you check on him while still holding the knife you used to chop the vegetables, you instinctively know this puppy is a bargain at $3,495. And who knows? Maybe you’ll even get a Little Something later, which you Know you Want!

*****

Meet Wrex, the Ill-Mannered Robot Dog. Anyone who has kids will find him amusing. Wrex is different and bears all the physical characteristics of  certain relatives that you prayed your kids would not inherit.

Besides having a face only a mother could love, nobody will like to be around Wrex but you–with the possible exception of your spouse’s beer-guzzling, armpit farting second cousin who keeps stopping by at dinnertime. and your gum-snapping sister who keeps borrowing your clothes and not returning them.

According to his makers, Wrex makes you laugh, expects you to rub his belly, demands treats, makes ugly faces, and he breaks down on purpose and behaves erratically just like your Mother-In-Law.  Who wouldn’t want Wrex?

You also won’t care if you don’t have a real dog  or an ex-husband if you have Wrex. He makes farting noises and couldn’t care less what’s socially acceptable.  He even humps your leg, so it’s probably not a good idea to trot Wrex out when you’ve invited your boss over for dinner and hope to get a promotion. It would be a great way to get your In -Laws to leave early though, not to mention how easily Wrex will be able to disposition those Jehovah’s Witnesses who keep forcing their way into your home.

Your Senator probably has a couple of Wrex’s hanging out in the reception area of his office, to entertain those  silly scheevy constituents who actually think they will get a chance to talk to him when it’s not even an election year.

It’s a Wrap!

Aunt Chippy was a good teacher, but she only taught us how to wrap gifts in boxes. But there’s another wrapping skill we might need this holiday season. This video is an Uppity Woman favorite. “How to Wrap a Cat for Christmas.”

Only ten wrapping days until Christmas, good luck!

Remembering Sandy Hook

Today marks a  somber two year anniversary. On December 14, 2012, twenty-six people — 20 first-grade students and six adults — were shot and killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Eleven days later, on Christmas Day,  Uppity gave us this very poignant post to help us deal with a senseless tragedy. I thought today would be an appropriate day to repost it. I hope you all agree.
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A Message to You on This Christmas Day, by Uppity Woman  (published December 25, 2012)

Merry Christmas to you all, from my heart and my home to yours!

I spent many hours searching for the song I would put up today. There have been so many songs applicable to Christmas along the way, but I wanted to select one for this Christmas Day that both captures the spirit of Christmas and can be dedicated to the little children who were senselessly lost in Newtown Connecticut–and their teachers, and their Principal, and Adam’s mother.

I watched and listened to countless youtube videos and, ironically, I harkened back to this one over and over again. I hope you can see why.

Have a special day and do not forget to hug all the people you love, if not today, then as soon (and as often!) as possible — whether you celebrate Christmas or not. And always remember what really matters in life. Put all other things aside by comparison. Try not to dwell on what you do not have because, if you do, you might miss the beauty of what you DO have.

Have a special day. Every Day. Including this Christmas Day.

This is Pachebel’s Christmas Canon with Chorus of Children who are not unlike those angels who were lost.

Merry Christmas, Little Ones. If we do indeed rise, then I will say: If anyone deserves to rise, it is each and every one of you. We are sorry. Very sorry.

.

Uppity Christmas Traditions

It’s that time of year again! Sleigh bells ringing…yule log burning? Nah! Aunt Chippy of course!!

Another Uppity Woman Classic

Remember a few years ago when we had a “Best of the Uppity Woman” contest? It was a lot of fun. You’ll probably also remember that it was awfully hard to choose among the great Uppity posts! But there was a winner. So without further adieu, I bring you……

You Are Under Arrest for Mollusk Abuse, by Uppity Woman

© Copyright 2009, Uppity Woman. All Rights Reserved.

Okay, by now you know how much I love my garden.  So you won’t be surprised that I went into sleuth mode when I realized that something was ruining my early tomatoes. Something sinister. It was drilling holes in them just as they were perfectly ripe for the picking. And that hole rendered what was left of those beautiful red things bitter and disgusting. I found myself picking those tomatoes when they were orange and ripening them elsewhere. That would not do. I put a lot of work into that garden and I had every right to ripen my tomatoes on the vine. I know my rights!  No, this would not do at all.

I had to know.

I had to know what disgusting, immoral creature without conscience was ruining my tomatoes. And I had to know before the rest of the the tomatoes  in rotation started to turn red.  So I did what any borderline insane normal person would do. With my dog in tow, I went out there late at night with my fashionable paranoia emergency light to monitor the activity. I actually got at least a little kick out of the fact that I had an opportunity to use this contraption when my life wasn’t in danger. It’s one of those combo radio, fluorescent, flood and emergency flasher-type lights, both red and green. Complete with a siren. It runs on four thousand D batteries. I bought the thing when I realized that one day soon, either the Jihadists or cyber- people eyeing our electric grids were eventually going to reach us, since nobody in government seems in the least bit concerned about who enters this country or what they do when they get here, and they are pretty much computer ignorant in DC. In other words, hackers seem to break into our government computers almost weekly. So, I regarded this as a practice in the use of my emergency light, which is a good thing, because I immediately flipped the wrong switch and turned on the siren. Believe me, from now on, I will know where the siren button is.

I shined the light directly on the plants and moved it slowly over every inch of those potentially succulent fruits and their leaves. And there he was. A slug. A disgusting, revolting, slimy slug,  on top of the one tomato on that plant that would be ready for picking in the morning. He was shamelessly sucking a hole in it right before my eyes, the little bastard! And he brought two friends with him, sitting on the nearby leaves waiting for their turn!

crazywomanI went wild.

My eyes flashed red in the dark I am sure.

I could feel the veins in my neck pulsating.

I began to curse and my curses echoed across the quiet land. My dog, who was sitting there patiently wondering how it is she got stuck with such a nutbag for a Person, stood up and barked. Mom was mad, surely there is something Wrong. By this time,  I heard my neighbor behind me come out of his home with his dog. I heard his dog barking, which sparked my dog to start barking loud enough to shatter glass. Then across the way, yet another dog started barking. They were all barking and I was moving mylight across my entire garden, covering every inch, looking for yet more of these vile, revolting creatures that are only second to the flea in their ability to disgust me.

47667632-300x300-0-0_Monterey+Sluggo+Plus+2+5lbI had spent what I thought was too much money in May on some stuff called SLUGGO. I wanted to head off the slugs at the pass. Other than getting a couple of dozen ducks, I knew of no other way to do it than to buy SLUGGO. The slug killer comes in two pound jugs and the little pellets inside are both appetizing and deadly to slugs.  The pellets, however, are harmless to pets, humans and plants. They contain iron, which is deadly to slugs but not bad stuff for your garden. This was very important to me, especially since every cat for miles around that is out loose generally stops by to visit me.  I plant catnip for them and they enjoy taunting my dog, who loves cats.  Knowing that the stuff is harmless to all living things except disgusting slugs held a real appeal to me. Apparently the slugs eat them and it renders them unable to eat again. Then they wander off to their den and die of anorexia or some such thing–hidden away where you don’t have to look at the revolting things. Then, I imagine, the remaining slugs in the den hold a mass slug funeral or something. Whatever.

I must say that the SLUGGO worked. I was pretty much slugless.  The problem is I didn’t anticipate that maybe I didn’t kill them ALL. Obviously, I missed at least two of them. And so the little beasts did what they had plenty of time to do in between eating gardens: they multiplied.

I donned a rubber glove and  grabbed the three slugs I found — and threw them on the ground. A tomato fell off the plant and now I was REALLY swearing. By now my dog was totally perplexed and she kept looking down at the ground and then up at me, then down at the ground and up at me. Then I went to the garage and grabbed a garden shovel and the remaining SLUGGO granules I still had.

First, I beat the crap out of those three slugs with the shovel and then I began to place a ring of SLUGGO granules around the plants.  I just KNEW there were hundreds more of these little balls of slime all around me. I could feel them watching me, talking to each other in Slug language about how they can’t  wait to reach the rest of my tomatoes and suck holes in them.

This was the point at which things got a lot brighter than they were by the light of my emergency light contraption. Two police cruisers pulled up.  One car faced my land and flashed a prowl spotlight around the property. Two cops got out of the other car and headed my way, holding flashlights and unsnapping their gun holsters. I downed my dog, who by now thought we were under siege and then I froze and thought  Jaysus, I am going to get shot by the cops over my tomatoes! I could almost hear the hundreds of  hiding slugs laughing.

I said aloud as they moved closer, “This is my house guys! I’m just killing slugs!“.

By the time they were close enough to see their faces, I could see they were both laughing. They told me a neighbor called them and thought somebody was out here robbing or killing somebody or something. I explained about the slugs and one of them said he was going to arrest me for molesting slugs.  The other cop asked me if I had any beer and I said, “Why, do you want one?“.  So he said, no, people use beer to kill slugs. And I said, Yes I know but I couldn’t resist asking. Then he went on about how his wife does this beer thing and buries jars in the ground full of beer to catch drunken slugs.

Anyways, as they left to make out their slug report or whatever,  they kind of asked if I could finish this job by daylight and wrap up the emergency light thing. So I obliged, but not before throwing more Sluggo around the plants and hitting those three slugs with the shovel one more time to make sure I finished the job. I actually yelled “Take That, you bastards!“.

main_slugbeer_0331 In the morning I went to a nearby convenience store and, while everybody else was buying coffee, I  asked the guy behind the counter which was the cheapest beer they had.

The guy looked at me like Geeze, the woman obviously will drink anything at 8AM.  So I bought some Busch beer and went out to the garden with a bunch of little containers and buried them close to the plants.  I filled the little containers with beer, which was stupid, because slugs don’t hang out in gardens in the sunlight. Besides that, by ten o’clock it was raining so hard here that I thought I might need an Ark–thus watering down and wasting perfectly bad cheap beer. That was the bad news. The worse news was, the rain and missing sun  brought out an army of slugs, all heading for my tomatoes.  So I put on a hoodie and went out there and scooped up a boatload of them with an old slotted spoon and threw them into a bucket of water. At first, I just gleefully watched them drown, but as their numbers grew and I could see where their dens were by their paths, I became much more insane and scurried around the land scooping the scheevy  little bastards up and throwing them into the bucket. Some of them actually tried to escape, so I whacked them back into the water. By the time I was soaked to my own gills,  I had executed more than 50 slugs and more were heading my way. I grabbed the orange tomatoes that looked ready to redden off the plants and went inside. I also left the bucket of dead slugs near the garden to serve as an example to the other slugs. When I was dry again, I went back out and executed some more.

A dry spell is predicted for the next few days. So tonight, it’s Miller Time for slugs. Now that I know their den areas, I will leave some beer for them there as well, inviting the slimy SOBs to an opportunity to whet their whistles on their trip to my garden. I’m not worried about stray cats because  I know enough about cats to know that no self-respecting cat would drink cheap beer.

I will do the beer run just before dark so that the Police  Slug Swat Team doesn’t have to show up again. However, if I make a wrong move or find myself unable to resist beating on some slugs, this could easily be my second offense. So if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, know that I have been arrested for serving alcohol to under-age slugs or some such shit.

Uppity’s Black Friday Classic

I hope Uppity won’t mind that I am reposting this classic. We are all missing Uppity and sending her our thoughts and prayers. I know it’s the day after Thanksgiving, but I’d like to say how thankful I am for Uppity Woman, this blog, and all the Uppityites in Uppityville. Get well Uppity.

Now back….by popular demand……

Live Blogging at My WalMart on Black Friday

© Copyright, Uppity Woman 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Here at a local Walmart a 32″ Tee Vee is on sale today for $268. I told everyone I don’t like and every over-extended loser I know who constantly buys things he or she can’t afford about the TV. I kind of figure if I am going to have to pay for their defaults, I might as well have some fun watching the stampede, right? They really should use Sam’s family and the board of directors of Walmart as workers on Black Friday, so that innocent hard-working underpaid Walmart employees don’t have to deal with the stampedes of  already over-extended suckers  they deliberately create while laughing from their penthouses.

****So Live, from Uppity’s place, blogging at Walmart’s.

7:45 AM–They don’t open till 9, but the parking lot is crowded as expected. Word has it that Capital One is thrilled about this sale. The TV, at $268 and $29% interest is going to make for a very good quarter for ole Cap One.

A couple of arguments have broken out about who arrived first and should be let inside first, but so far, no blood shed, although I have heard vocabulary words I haven’t used myself in years. Okay, I’ve used them but NOT A LOT!

There are certainly some interesting vehicles parked here.  I haven’t seen some of them in years. I see several cars still have their drivers and riders inside, all eating McDonald’s sausage McMuffin with Egg and other healthy fare. Others have left their cars to eat their healthy breakfasts, making it easier to just throw the empty wrappers and bags onto the ground, much to the glee of the seagulls that seem to have appeared out of nowhere. One guy is eating a Burger King Croissant sandwich, but the others won’t talk to him.

It’s very touching to see so many people willing to help the bank account of the one company that single-handedly brings down the standard of living in every community they raid–and  then rewards everyone with toothpaste that costs twenty cents less.

8 AM: More people arriving but no place to park, forcing them to walk  more than 50 yards for the first time in several years. All the handicapped parking spots have been taken by seniors who appear to be in remarkably good shape, forcing real handicapped people to figure out another way to get closer to the doors. I don’t know about you, but where I am, as soon as you turn 65, you get yourself a “handicapped” parking tag from your doctor, even if you play golf daily.

8:30 AM: Walmart employees are arriving,  perusing the parking lot in horror before they swiftly take a curve to the back of the building to enter. Some lights are being switched on inside, which has resulted in a low roar from the crowd. The glass doors are  already riddled with fingerprints of customers peeking in to plan their routes. Some keep tugging hard at the doors to see if they are unlocked even though they just saw somebody else do it. I do hope some of these folks have brought their Purell with them.

It’s truly amazing to see so many people with their kids gathering at the entrance, knowing how Walmart got caught hiring 15 year-olds and assigning them to wield chain saws to cut Christmas trees –a situation which resulted in a fine equivalent to a week’s stay in a good hotel penthouse for one of Sam’s kids— and a miraculous agreement with the Department of Labor that they will give Walmart 15 days notice before showing up to inspect them again. Truly truly heartwarming, isn’t it?

8:45 AM, the crowd is becoming rowdy. I hear rumbles of  why on earth they cannot open the doors now, after all everybody is there!  People are gathering around the doors in groups and there is some, jockeying, pushing and shoving going on. One guy just popped another guy in the face, although I am not sure why. I guess I should get closer but you can understand why I don’t think that’s such a good idea. After all, the doors will open soon! Some people are acquiring a glazed look in their eyes. This would be a great time to post Walmart’s Board of Directors and the Walton family inside the doors. Last year, a guard got killed thanks to their shenanigans designed to shake more money out of people who were buying things they probably couldn’t afford. Worked out well for Bank of America though!

I’m sitting in my car now. I don’t want to get hit with any flying objects in 15 minutes. I think I’ll pass the time counting the McDonald’s wrappers floating by me in the breeze. I am also counting the seagulls. 48 right now. And 9 nervous pigeons. They seem particularly excited about the bits of sausage stuck to the paper.

9AM, two really nervous looking employees, apparently managers, walk out of the inner doors to unlock the Gold. The crowd roars. One of the Unlockers pushes his hands toward the crowd to tell them to back away from the doors. Amazingly, they cooperate. The doors open and the two employees scurry quickly to the side so they don’t get hit by the doors. Apparently, they have been trained to avoid being hit by a door. That’s really big of Walmart, don’t you think?

The crowd pushes through, as if they are actually exiting a burning building. Doesn’t appear that anyone is injured though, just shoved around a lot.  As I now move closer, I notice the doors look REALLY dirty. Time for some Purell.

Once the mass entrance dies down, I’m going in, just me and my Purell. Wish I had brought my dog but then I don’t suppose they would let her in. Besides, that wouldn’t be a nice thing to do to the gulls.

I notice some stragglers are driving in and I noticed a “Holllllly Shit” look on a few drivers’ faces as they notice the lot jammed with cars. Some of them slowly drive off, apparently figuring a TV isn’t worth the walk.

I am going in………..

If you don’t hear from me in a timely way, know that I have enjoyed blogging for you. Feel free to donate to my funeral arrangements.

9:20 That was uneventful. I am greeted by the typical walmart greeter, only this one looks as though she has already put in a full day. I’ll bet Walmart doesn’t offer her health insurance options. This is also very heartwarming……the way Walmart takes the time to coach their lower level employees on how to apply for Medicaid, thus managing to get taxpayers to bear the burden for Walmart in exchange for 15 cents off the price of a bag of chips. I am truly touched, aren’t you?

I am a respectable distance from the electronics department, but close enough to see what’s going on. It’s very easy to discern the spot where the 32″ TV is. Some lady just body checked me because I was in her path. She has a kid in the cart and appears to have unloaded the entire shelf stock of Little Debbie cakes into her basket. The kid has a lot of snot coming out of his nose but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s heading for the TV area.

9:30: Im moving in a little closer. Somebody really needs a shower. It may be more than one person. In fact, the ambience tells me that it’s probably a lot of people. Several people are having intestinal gas attacks too. It’s probably all those sausage McMuffins with cheese working their way into their systems. You couldn’t get me to move in any closer even if the 32″ flatscreen were fifty bucks. Lot’s of TeeVees being sold. I hear a nearby conveyor belt thing moving through some flaps, and  I notice plenty of people standing by. Kind of clever of Walmart to show everybody else  how fast those TV’s are being sold to somebody else.

The place is starting to look like the night shift cleaning squad is going to have its work cut out for it. Maybe this time, Walmart will be nice enough not to lock those undocumented workers in the building like they did that one time when the building caught fire and the employees were locked in with no possible exits. Walmart is such a swell company, isn’t it? That’s why everybody shops there!

9:56 The crowd is rowdy now. It seems that the 32″ flat screen is officially already out of stock. So fast! I’m shocked. Shocked I tell you!

The crowd is yelling RAIN CHECK! Some very pale guy in a white shirt, polyester pants and an official Walmart tag on his chest, who was probably once an Engineer, is shouting to the crowd that there will be no out Rain Checks, but they do have another even bigger flat screen TV on sale for $432, much to the chuckles of Capital One. There is a good deal of swearing going on and the crowd starts to thin, although a number of them stay behind to take a look at the  OTHER TV on sale. Nice job, Wally World.

Many walk away disgusted but they don’t leave the store. They begin to shop, having their hearts broken, they must find something to replace that TV they can’t get. Dammit, they came here prepared to spend $268 and by golly, they are going to do it!

I’m getting out of here, heading for the door. I notice the checkout counters. The conveyers contain plenty of flatscreen TVs. Some of the people in line have a rather smug look on their faces, because they heard the rumor that their TV is now out of stock so soon. I guess they showed everybody!

One common theme at each of the cashier stations is plenty of charge cards are being swiped. It’s been another great hour for Walmart, Capital One, Chase, Bank Of America and every other credit card company that has cranked up the rates of those who cannot defend themselves to 29%. I also wonder how much swine flu will be spread today.

Next: Christmas Eve!

UPPITY NOTE: No gang. I am not really at Walmart’s. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Walmarts. They have single-handedly started the movement that has dropped the standard of living in the USA, and while they continue to do so, their victims shop there because they can’t help themselves. They need to buy things a bit more inexpensively since their standard of living has been reduced — and Walmart is happy to oblige, since Walmart is one of the main REASONS people need to shop a little more inexpensively.

And let’s face it. This very scene I am depicting is being played out all over America right now.

Walmart, if there is a place in hell for an entire corporation, then you should be the very first to grace the spot.

And don’t forget to save room for Best Buy!

(ht helenk)

Just chillin’ and waiting

Uppity should be home from the hospital soon and so I’d make a clean, new thread for her to come home to.

**UPDATE**  The Uppity Woman has spoken!  See comment section:  Oct 26th at 8:38 AM.

I got this balloon arrangement.

balloons2

And she can have all the remotes…

remotes

And la creme de la creme–cannoli from Arthur Avenue, The Bronx:

cannoli

And whatever else you need, Upps, to have a happy, speedy recovery.