You are “Here”.

I shamelessly stole this from RBO. I just thought you would all like to see where you fit in on the Health Care Plan Organizational Chart. I myself think the chart would be far more realistic if they depicted the “Consumers” victims as lying down dead.

(I’m sure this chart was crafted by Republicans, but it’s fun nonetheless. In a wincing kind of way)

Click here to enlarge.

Hey Dude! God called. He wants His royalties and it’s not nice to stiff God

He’s an agnostic and he’s $elling prayers$.

Dennis Miller, in the days when he was actually funny and seemed to shower now and then, said Nobody Finds God on Prom Night. Apparently, a guy who is ironically named Gross knows this too. But no sense of giving God away free when there’s money to be made, right? Just like most of the pastors I know!

If you deal in intangibles, you may sometimes find it difficult to prove to customers that you’re delivering a solid return on their investment. For instance, if you’re a consultant overseeing a sales team, it can be challenging to know — at least right away — if your advice is actually working. Or if you sell an energy-saving device, nobody’s going to know how it’s working until the utility bills start coming. But think how hard it is to prove a return on investment when you own a prayer business.

Joel Gross, 25, doesn’t seem daunted by that — nor by the fact that he is an agnostic. He now has a tiny stake in the $4.6 billion spent every year on Christian products and services, as reported by ChristianRetailing.com. Last August, he hung up his shingle on the Internet and created Prayer Helpers. The product Gross’s company sells: prayers. If you’re down and out and want someone to pray for you, you just send $9.99, and Prayer Helpers will pray for you.

The thing is, here, where does he mail God’s royalties?

It’s not as crass as it sounds.

Oh yes, Yes it  is.

Imagining that he could earn some bucks while not actually doing any work, a Hallmark of his age group, Gross has unfortunately had only two callers. Why do I get the feeling he lives home with his parents?

Gross certainly is an enterprising young capitalist isn’t he? So I am sure he understands the concept of competition. I have a much lower overhead. Since I am not an agnostic (at least half the time!) and don’t need to hire someone else to pray, I have a much lower overhead rate than this guy, and obviously I know more about his product than he does. I’ll do it for $5.00. Furthermore, I have it on good authority that God listens to me.

But the whole idea isn’t going to work.

First, there’s just so much competition for selling prayers online and at  local churches.

Secondly, I have to ask you something: If you needed something, why would you pay a low-level employee to talk to you when you could go directly to the CEO Himself? I mean, God is supposedly “everywhere,”  right? But if you can’t find him “everywhere,”  or he’s in a meeting, you can always use a booth.

Yes that’s right, a Prayer Booth. And it’s free. It even comes with clearly printed instructions with diagrams on how to release the kneeler.  You can  just kneel there and pray while somebody sneaks up behind you and prepares to mug you.

You have got to admit that if there is a God, he’s got to be shaking His head, if not laughing hysterically.

Video of Larry Johnson’s discussion on CNN

Napolitano and the new Office of Hindsight Security: The System Worked But The System Failed

The system worked. It's just that the system didn't work.

Yes that’s right.

Janet Napolitano, rare  token Obama female fake authority figure, whose job is feed us happy horsecrap no matter what happens, took time out from following around Iraq veterans and tea party demonstrators to focus for a moment on a real security problem.

After the incident where  yet another walking pile of Islamofascist dung tried to take out a Delta plane and its passengers, and after a paying passenger from Holland stopped the wannabee killer and made sure he wouldn’t be jumping all those virgins in the afterlife just yet, Janet declared that “The System Worked”.

Yes that’s right. She said that.

She said that after the rest of us already knew that this animal who planned a Christmas Day Jihad chapter was on the Terrorist Watch list for more than two years. She said that after the rest of us already knew that this animal was NOT on the No Fly list even though he was being watched. She said that after the rest of us already knew that this Islamofascist shithead got on the plane with a one way ticket and no luggage. In the meantime, my 92 year-old aunt practically got frisked on her way to see her son in Florida. Just saying.

Here’s to all the women and girls whose breasts Airport Security men happily fondled when somebody declared that someone could board a plane with a Boob Bomb. The piece of shit who tried to blow up this plane didn’t have boobs and, apparently nobody thought about crotch or ballsac bombs. Besides, groping for ballsac bombs just isn’t as much fun as checking for Boob Bombs, especially when nobody checked out your history when you applied for that security job, right fella? Wink…..wink.

Since our gazillion dollar Homeland Security system has failed and the people on that plane are still alive thanks to a civilian, security at airports is now beefed up. Therefore I think we should officially change the name of Janet’s organizaton from Homeland Security to Hindsight Security.

I don't work for Homeland Security. I just do their job for them.

Realizing she looked like a complete fool by declaring that the System Worked, Napolitano took time out from her script to “clarify” her statement, which in most quarters would mean she backtracked.

Napolitano claims her remark was “taken out of context,” although I am not sure exactly how declaring that a failed system actually worked can be taken out of context. She hasn’t as yet specified exactly what context the remark was taken from either, but that’s no big deal with this bunch.

In any event, she’s changed her mind. She actually admits the obvious–something that has become increasingly rare with the current administration. After all, the beast at Fort Hood was just some emotionally disturbed guy who just happened to also accidentally be a member of Barack’s security task force team.

WASHINGTON (Dec. 28) — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano conceded Monday that the aviation security system failed when a young man on a watchlist with a U.S. visa in his pocket and a powerful explosive hidden on his body was allowed to board a fight from Amsterdam to Detroit.

Gee thanks Janet. Nice to know you can recognize the obvious, even if it takes you a few days to get the okay to deviate from the script.

The Obama administration has ordered investigations into the two areas of aviation security – how travelers are placed on watch lists and how passengers are screened – as critics questioned how the 23-year-old Nigerian man charged in the airliner attack was allowed to board the Dec. 25 flight.

……..and so the Office of Homeland Security is now officially renamed the Office of Hindsight Security.  I know this makes everyone feel really secure.

One would think that it might be a good idea to get rid of the bogus Homeland Security organization that takes credit when things go well and makes up a story when things don’t go well.  Security is what we have an FBI, a CIA and a Secret Service for. But of course, we need the Office of Homeland Security. As you recall, if it weren’t for Homeland Security, Tom Ridge would have never been able to develop our color codes. Code Orange would not exist today if it weren’t for the billions we porked into that organization. Besides, where would our President put all those patronage jobs for friends and relatives of Congress, his Cabinet and Corporate Sponsors if we didn’t have Homeland Security?

Freedom Fairy: The gal who gives us endless Living Header fun!

Let’s face it. What other blog has a Living Header???? Where else can you visit just to see what’s going on at the top of the front page, eh?

We have that Living Header because of the remarkable talent and Uppityite love that Freedom Fairy gives us. She watches over our header at all times. I never even have to think about what’s going up next. Just when we need it, I get an email from Freedom Fairy with the Subject line of  “HERE”. I know when I see “HERE” that we are about to embark upon yet another Bill and the Penguins adventure. How good it is to have some comic relief during such horrendous times.

Freedom Fairy is an artist by trade. You’ve seen some of her client mural work here. Sometimes, she is cat dog tired at the end of the day, but she always comes through for us!

Who can forget Bill’s Hallucination On Ice? And look at how totally riveting our Christmas series was. Now we are seeing  Bill (and possibly Little Billy!) about to get blasted for New Year’s Eve, it seems. And of course his penguin friends are always there to help in spite of the fact they are  unfairly labeled in perpetually perturbed alliteration as nothing more than dastardly dirty birds.

Thank you Freedom Fairy, for your never-ending talent, for making us laugh, for making us come back just to see what has changed in the header today, and most of all, for the relationship we have developed with you.

FF is probably going to kill me for this, but I kind of figure Freedom Fairies need love too!  If you have a little extra cash, you can tip her. If not, well maybe another time. In the meantime, maybe you could visit Freedom Fairy’s Blog and tell her how much you appreciate her! I know how good that feels when you do it for me.

Click here to contribute to Freedom Fairy

A note of appreciation from the rich.

…found at the main page of Scroogle, something you should be using instead of the spyware known as Google.

Let’s be honest:

you’ll never win the lottery.

On the other hand, the chances are pretty good that you’ll slave away at some miserable job the rest of your life. That’s because you were in all likelihood born into the wrong social class. Let’s face it — you’re a member of the working caste. Sorry!

As a result, you don’t have the education, upbringing, connections, manners, appearance, and good taste to ever become one of us. In fact, you’d probably need a book the size of the yellow pages to list all the unfair advantages we have over you. That’s why we’re so relieved to know that you still continue to believe all those silly fairy tales about “justice” and “equal opportunity” in America.

Of course, in a hierarchical social system like ours, there’s never been much room at the top to begin with. Besides, it’s already occupied by us — and we like it up here so much that we intend to keep it that way. But at least there’s usually someone lower in the social hierarchy you can feel superior to and kick in the teeth once in a while. Even a lowly dishwasher can easily find some poor slob further down in the pecking order to sneer and spit at. So be thankful for migrant workers, prostitutes, and homeless street people.

Always remember that if everyone like you were economically secure and socially privileged like us, there would be no one left to fill all those boring, dangerous, low-paid jobs in our economy. And no one to fight our wars for us, or blindly follow orders in our totalitarian corporate institutions. And certainly no one to meekly go to their grave without having lived a full and creative life. So please, keep up the good work!

You also probably don’t have the same greedy, compulsive drive to possess wealth, power, and prestige that we have. And even though you may sincerely want to change the way you live, you’re also afraid of the very change you desire, thus keeping you and others like you in a nervous state of limbo. So you go through life mechanically playing your assigned social role, terrified what others would think should you ever dare to “break out of the mold.”

Naturally, we try to play you off against each other whenever it suits our purposes: high-waged workers against low-waged, unionized against non-unionized, Black against White, male against female, American workers against Japanese against Mexican against…. We continually push your wages down by invoking “foreign competition,” “the law of supply and demand,” “national security,” or “the bloated federal deficit.” We throw you on the unemployed scrap heap if you step out of line or jeopardize our profits. And to give you an occasional break from the monotony of our daily economic blackmail, we allow you to participate in our stage-managed electoral shell games, better known to you ordinary folks as “elections.” Happily, you haven’t a clue as to what’s really happening — instead, you blame “Aliens,” “Tree-hugging Environmentalists,” “[N word here],” “Jews,” Welfare Queens,” and countless others for your troubled situation.

We’re also very pleased that many of you still embrace the “work ethic,” even though most jobs in our economy degrade the environment, undermine your physical and emotional health, and basically suck your one and only life right out of you. We obviously don’t know much about work, but we’re sure glad you do!

Of course, life could be different. Society could be intelligently organized to meet the real needs of the general population. You and others like you could collectively fight to free yourselves from our domination. But you don’t know that. In fact, you can’t even imagine that another way of life is possible. And that’s probably the greatest, most significant achievement of our system — robbing you of your imagination, your creativity, your ability to think and act for yourself.

So we’d truly like to thank you from the bottom of our heartless hearts. Your loyal sacrifice makes possible our corrupt luxury; your work makes our system work. Thanks so much for “knowing your place” — without even knowing it!

RBO Cross-Post: Batchelor: Full Body Scan (and more)

Cross-Posted with permission from RBO.

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Batchelor: Full Body Scan (and more)

December 27, 2009 by Brenda J. Elliott

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John Batchelor writes on his blog:

Burn Ward

Spoke Neal Boudette, WSJ, Detroit Bureau Chief, re the detention and arraignment of the Flight 253 suspect, Umar Farouk Abdulmutullab.

Earlier in the day, Neal Boudette called at the Ann Arbor hospital where the suspect is being held, in the burn ward. To some surprise, Neal Boudette was able to walk all the way into the ward and to the suspect’s room. He reports the man was lying motionless in a darkened room, his head turned away from the door. No IV, no tent for burns. At that point, a Federal agent, likely FBI, asked Neal Boudette to leave the area.

Later, a Federal judge arrived at the room and an AP and local TV reporters were invited to witness the arraignment. Suspect was charged with Federal crimes. Suspect was seated at the arraignment, with a blanket over his lower body. Not sedated or unable to respond. Judge asked suspect if he understood the proceedings and the suspect answered “Yes.” Judge asked if the suspect had money to hire an attorney, and the suspect answered he had “no funds.” Suspect was arraigned in the hospital and is expected to remain in hospital at least another day.

Airport Security Little Changed So Far

Later Saturday 26, Douglas Laird, retired from Northwest Airline security director, and Larry Johnson, No Quarter, explained that no airport security extant is correct to apprehend what is presumed to be the mode used by the suspect at Amsterdam’s airport, where the suspect passed through three first-rate screenings.

What would defeat the mode is a body scan machine, which are not in use. Possibly a full body pat down, but not necessarily. The body scan is not practical because of cost per machine (more than $250k each); and the full pat down is not practical because of time, unless you also permit profiling. In sum, the suspect defeated all the screens between Lagos, Nigeria and wheels down at Detroit airport.

Later, Jeff Bliss, BlissIndex.com, reported that there was little change in security at several major California airports, SFO, Oakland, LAX, San Diego. Perhaps the TSA is catching up on the reports. Jeff Bliss did mention the report that passengers coming from overseas are reporting long lines boarding US bound aircraft. Do they know that the delays do not solve the threat? Only a full body scan can solve it, or individual full pat downs. Nothing else.

(Click For More)

Somebody please outlaw fruitcakes.

I was going to post this as your open thread for tomorrow, so consider it that. But I have to get this off my chest now. I can do that. It’s my blog.

I got a damned fruitcake! I simply cannot believe I am stuck with a fruitcake! Worse yet, I got it today, so the person who dumped it on me must have gotten it yesterday! Or worse, last year! Or three years ago! Who knows with fruitcakes?

I remember once receiving a dollar bill with “Where in the world is George” stamped on it with a website to visit. The idea was to track where that dollar bill goes. So I bit and tracked the serial number for awhile. I think we should do this with fruitcakes.

You see. I have this theory that all fruitcakes are recycled. Some of them might even travel around the world for years and years as gifts. They appear to be shelf-stable indefinitely. I mean how the hell can you tell if a fruitcake is stale. They all have the texture of hockey pucks. Therefore they can travel forever. I firmly believe that you could conceivably give someone a fruitcake and receive the same fruitcake back at Christmas decades later.

I hate fruitcake and I think it should be outlawed. Especially those fruitcakes with the green gumdrop stuff in them and that Godawful yellow citron stuff. I don’t care what anybody says, that stuff is reminiscent of dried sinusitis snot.

I don’t think there are websites totally dedicated to selling fruitcakes. How would they stay in business? Does anybody really buy a fruitcake?  So, fruitcake manufacturers (think Aunt Millie’s ironworks and fruitcake factory) usually pimp these hockey pucks via other rather odd outlets. Over here at Cabela’s, “World Famous Outfitter,” you can buy your hunting and archery gear, dog supplies and your “Grandma’s” Famous Fruitcake all in one place. That’s because they make great decoys and targets! Why I bet I could empty half a clip into the one we have before it’s no longer feasible to shoot at it. You can even get one at JC Penney’s or Amazon.

I know. I know. There’s always one in a crowd. Some squirrel who loves fruitcake. I’m sure there’s one here. But I’m here to say I am definitely not alone in finding these things repulsive. I Googled  ”I hate fruitcake” and let me tell you, I am going easy on the despicable things compared to some other people. Fruitcake is so reviled that there are even T Shirts with “I Hate Fruitcake” embossed on them.

We are in the process of trying to figure out what to do with this damned fruitcake that weighs in like a bowling ball. Some options we are floating around: Dump Grand Armagnac  all over it and eat it anyways, and we won’t care what the rest of it tastes like. We wouldn’t even have to pick out the yellow and green stuff. I myself would go for this, but truth is, I find the stuff so disgusting, I would be more apt to suck on it to extract the nectar, rather than bite into it.

Personally I like the second option: Leave it behind someone else’s door at night and let THEM disposition it.

I’d take a picture of this animal but it’s still wrapped up and in its tin. It’s highly possible the tin has been replaced over the years.

So……..what shall we do with this fruitcake?

Thanks to imustprotest for the Fruitcake Song link.