Just on the outside chance that you don’t already know that America has lost its collective mind, farmers are very worried about an EPA report that targets cow flatulence.
No kidding. You can’t make this shit up. (scuse the pun)
MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — For farmers, this stinks: Belching and gaseous cows and hogs could start costing them money if the federal government decides to charge fees for air-polluting animals.
EPA officials insisted Friday that the lengthy, highly technical report, which mostly focuses on other sources of air pollution, does not include a proposal to tax livestock.
But the American Farm Bureau Federation said, based on federal agriculture department figures, it would require farms or ranches with more than 25 dairy cows, 50 beef cattle or 200 hogs to pay an annual fee of about $175 for each dairy cow, $87.50 per head of beef cattle and $20 for each hog.
Now I know that America is shake-down country. Let’s face it gang, our elected officials have found ways to tax virtually everything and everybody and at every turn. Anyone who is productive simply cannot be allowed to succeed without first giving up as much as they can to the Unproductive. And nowhere is there more lack of productivity than in government and all of its associated “departments” and “agencies”. After all, the example is set in Congress.
That’s why it would come as no surprise if cows got taxed for air pollution. But wait!
“EPA is not proposing any type of tax on livestock,” he said.
Phew! I bet that’s a relief. They will just call it a “Fee” or a “Fine” instead.
So how exactly would fining farmers for cow flatulence serve the greater good? I mean, it can’t be because beef is too cheap now, that’s for sure. Answer: It will help our government to hire more useless EPA employees who can sit on their asses and dream up more ways to tax and otherwise irritate people just for being alive, particularly if they are annoyingly productive people who are not on government entitlement programs.
The executive vice president of the Wyoming Farm Bureau Federation, Ken Hamilton, estimated the fee would cost owners of a modest-sized cattle ranch $30,000 to $40,000 a year. He said he has talked to a number of livestock owners about the proposals, and “all have said if the fees were carried out, it would bankrupt them.”
Apparently, this is just another small leg of the program to “Create more government jobs”. And just think: this program could be expanded so that even more lard asses can be unproductively employed by the government at the expense of normal bodily functions of farm animals:
Sparks said Wednesday he’s worried the fee could be extended to chickens and other farm animals and cause more meat to be imported.
Bet on it Sparky! Chaaaaaaaa Ching!
“We’ll let other countries put food on our tables like they are putting gas in our cars. Other countries don’t have the health standards we have,” Sparks said.
Yes Sparky, we all look forward to eating meat from animals that are fed melamine and arsenic. We’re overpopulated anyways! After all, Sparky, in another year or so, Americans will be forced by law to buy only lightbulbs that are toxic when they break. This is the same government that made a big expensive fuss over mercury in thermometers a decade or so ago. So mercury is In now. I mean, what the hell, Sparky, it’s already in our fish! You just can’t have it in thermometers is all. That’s bad. And I’m here to tell you Sparky, that mercury, melamine and arsenic are better for you than cow gas!
But don’t worry Sparky. When you have to get rid of those cows, the government will take care of you! Working is soooooooo over-rated!
The thing is, if we are going to start taxing this kind of gas, then I think we should tax those gasbags in Congress for their mouth emissions. Let’s face it, nowhere in our country are there more collective gasbags than in Congress.
In the meantime, I suggest that farmers experiment with the development of a Cow Muffler. Or better yet, how about a procedure for corking cows’ asses so that we can transfer the technology to the mouths of congress. We promise not to provide Congress with any corks previously used by exploded cows. Maybe.
Say I have an idea! We can employ the same officials to monitor corks that our government uses to monitor imported toys, pet food and baby food. That way congress can be sure to get safe corks that weren’t previously up a cow’s ass recycled. Let’s see how well that works out for you gasbags on Capital Hill. We know you care and we want you to know that we care right back atcha.
Say, I wonder of Tom Daschle might want to get billions in subsidies to turn cow farts into ethanol. You can believe he will be on the boards of all those cow-gas converter companies too.
Pop Quiz: Why is this cow happy?