EPA declares cow flatulence a pollution problem.

Just on the outside chance that you don’t already know that America has lost its collective mind, farmers are very worried about an EPA report that targets cow flatulence.

No kidding. You can’t make this shit up. (scuse the pun)

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — For farmers, this stinks: Belching and gaseous cows and hogs could start costing them money if the federal government decides to charge fees for air-polluting animals.


EPA officials insisted Friday that the lengthy, highly technical report, which mostly focuses on other sources of air pollution, does not include a proposal to tax livestock.

But the American Farm Bureau Federation said, based on federal agriculture department figures, it would require farms or ranches with more than 25 dairy cows, 50 beef cattle or 200 hogs to pay an annual fee of about $175 for each dairy cow, $87.50 per head of beef cattle and $20 for each hog.

moneyhappiness_vl-verticalNow I know that America is shake-down country. Let’s face it gang, our elected officials have found ways to tax virtually everything and everybody and at every turn.  Anyone who is productive simply cannot be allowed to succeed without first giving up as much as they can to the Unproductive. And nowhere is there more lack of productivity than in government and all of its associated “departments” and “agencies”.  After all, the example is set in Congress.

That’s why it would come as no surprise if cows got taxed for air pollution. But wait!

“EPA is not proposing any type of tax on livestock,” he said.

Phew! I bet that’s a relief. They will just call it a “Fee”  or a “Fine” instead.

So how exactly would fining farmers for cow flatulence serve the greater good?  I mean, it can’t be because beef is too cheap now, that’s for sure.  Answer: It will help our government to hire more useless EPA employees who can sit on their asses and dream up more ways to tax and otherwise irritate people just for being alive, particularly if they are annoyingly productive people who are not on government entitlement programs.

The executive vice president of the Wyoming Farm Bureau Federation, Ken Hamilton, estimated the fee would cost owners of a modest-sized cattle ranch $30,000 to $40,000 a year. He said he has talked to a number of livestock owners about the proposals, and “all have said if the fees were carried out, it would bankrupt them.”

Apparently, this is just another small leg of the program to “Create more government jobs”. And just think: this program could be expanded so that even more lard asses can be unproductively employed by the government at the expense of normal bodily functions of farm animals:

Sparks said Wednesday he’s worried the fee could be extended to chickens and other farm animals and cause more meat to be imported.

Bet on it Sparky! Chaaaaaaaa Ching!

“We’ll let other countries put food on our tables like they are putting gas in our cars. Other countries don’t have the health standards we have,” Sparks said.

Yes Sparky, we all look forward to eating meat from animals that are fed melamine and arsenic. We’re overpopulated anyways!  After all, Sparky, in another year or so, Americans will be forced by law to buy only lightbulbs that are toxic when they break.  This is the same government that made a big expensive fuss over mercury in thermometers a decade or so ago. So mercury is In now.   I mean, what the hell, Sparky, it’s already in our fish! You just can’t have it in thermometers is all. That’s bad.  And I’m here to tell you Sparky, that mercury, melamine and arsenic are better for you than cow gas!

But don’t worry Sparky. When you have to get rid of those cows, the government will take care of you! Working is soooooooo over-rated!

The thing is, if we are going to start taxing this kind of gas, then I think we should tax those gasbags in Congress for their mouth emissions. Let’s face it, nowhere in our country are there more collective gasbags than in Congress.

In the meantime, I suggest that farmers experiment with  the development of a Cow Muffler. Or better yet, how about a procedure for corking cows’ asses so that we can transfer the technology to the mouths of congress. We promise not to provide Congress with any corks previously used by exploded cows.  Maybe.

Say I have an idea! We can employ the same officials to monitor corks that our government uses to monitor imported toys, pet food and baby food.  That way congress can be sure to get safe corks that weren’t previously up a cow’s ass  recycled.  Let’s see how well that works out for you gasbags on Capital Hill. We know you care and we want you to know that we care right back atcha.

Say, I wonder of Tom Daschle might want to get billions in subsidies to turn cow farts into ethanol. You can believe he will be on the boards of all those cow-gas converter companies too.

Pop Quiz: Why is this cow happy?



19 Responses

  1. Considering that there are 300 million flatulent Americans living in the US pumping out the same stuff as cows, the obvious next step is for the EPA to push for a flatulence tax on taxpayers as well. Think of the effect of that on the budget deficit! 😀

  2. And don’t forget the even larger numbers of dogs and cats in this country. Communities can add a fee to the pet license to cover their flatulent pets.

  3. Boy was this a good ‘un. You know, the guv is the bloated thing.

    Uppity, you are so on those light bulbs — that is going to cause the BIGGEST mess we have ever seen.

    McC was right about needing less government, he really was. If they used a really green model, really fast, it would work. This was great — you just summed up everything wrong with how things are done Uppity. Perfect.

    I always thought the EPA was a good thing. But? Theya re just messing it up more! It’s like they are all working at cross purposes, somehow.

  4. Ronnie Reagan said it was trees causing it–offgassing something or other. Now, farts. I say a surcharge for being alive…wait, we have those…

    You know, this morning, I was thinking–this whole bailout deal smells like a tourist. We have been in a recession for a year and no one noticed two quarters in a row with flat growth or whatever the definition is. Then, in the interregnum, no real leader, they pounce with these crazed demands for money. Junior votes present (as he has to really) and Bush babbles and those keystones start pitching over the money. I knew GM was on the skids 3 yrs ago…isn’t someone supposed to deal with these things–isn’t this why they are hired? I feel like they are all in on it.

  5. Uppity. This post is a classic!

  6. Hey Tony with all the pets and people, it’s a taxation gold mine!

  7. Star, Obama resigned from the senate as fast as he could. He didn’t want to get any one him. That’s so Him.

  8. If we required politicians to pay a quarter everytime they blew some hot air, we could balance the budget in no time.

    About all we have going for us at the moment is farming and manufacturing. The last thing we want to do is make it harder on farms, those few that are still locally producing food for this country. As the economy collapses, it becomes more and more obvious why.

  9. Star, Obama resigned from the senate as fast as he could. He didn’t want to get any one him. That’s so Him.

    I didn’t mean he was in the Senate when I said “voted present”–just that he is still noncommittal and really has to be because he is not president. This man hates to take a stand! They are trying to drag him into how to spend the last $350B and he is demurring. Maintaining his deniability and ability to blame this on Bush.

  10. First it’s animal farts, next human farts, after that they will figure out that all of us mammals exhale that green house gas CO2 and then we’ll be taxed, er fined, er be charged a fee, on what we exhale. Oh what a wonderful world it will be.

  11. Love that cow! If only my teeth could be as shiny and pretty…
    The Green Team ought to then think about capturing all that methane instead. Gee, the farmers could then sell it. Feds sure expose their ridiculous logic by coming up with these ideas.

  12. This is an old matter being revived. It’ bern said for yers that cow flatulence does produce enough methane to harm the environment.

    But if flatulence is the issue, the tax should be on Congress, a haven for old farts. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelousy would then be valuable souces of income instead of money-drainng entitlement leeches

  13. she’s from California of course!
    are those EPA tards the same guys that told barky inflating car tires would save gas?

    LED bulbs are the way to go, not those curly things.
    ALL florescent bulbs contain mercury. our public utilities co finally put out a warning on where/how to dispose of mercury containing bulbs, with PICTURES. forescent lighting has been used in commercial & industrial bldgs for years. as long as you don’t stick one in your mouth or lick a broken bulb it’s nowhere near dangerous as chomping on a mercury thermometer.
    as for methane, the concentration at waste water treatment plants is much higher than in a cow pastures. tanks are opened at the top. automatic perfume atomizers don’t clear much of the odor either.
    cattle waste has been used to power some farms.
    it works for cooking & powering machinery. excellent cheap fuel in every town that has sewers. if there’s a way to refine urine to potable water in the space shuttle, should be a way to run cars on methane on earth.

  14. Pretty soon the EPA will also insist on a federal tax imposed on any food that is known to produce gas in people, like beans.

  15. Tony Stark, 6:23 PM Said:
    ” tax on any food that is known to produce gas in people, like beans”

    LOL Tony. Woe for us vegetarians.
    Maybe it’s time to invest in Beano stock.

  16. There have been efforts made to invent a way to collect the methane from the cows…it requires the animals to be housed under a very expensive roof (with an equally expensive barn to match the roof). Our ~250 cattle are free range on the rolling prairies of Montana…that tax is scary.

  17. Check out the Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe episode on Cow Pots. A farmer makes biodegradable pots for plants out of cow poo (they don’t stink but still fertilize) and powers his farm off the methane gas given off from the poo not the farts.

  18. If they really want to control poisonous, noxious emissions they should put a laminar flow device inside the House and Senate chambers and pay for it by reducing the salaries paid to those buffoons who supposedly represent us. I’m sure the EPA could come up with a workable plan to make this a reality. It really wouldn’t cost very much, perhaps $650,000,000, or about as much as it cost to build the capitol’s new visitors’ center. Money is no object (especially yours) when it come to preventing global warming or in the new lexicon climate change.

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