Just in case you still have one available orifice left that a bank hasn’t gotten into one way or another, you are probably interested in knowing that some big banks are offering stock for sale. On the outside chance that you still have a little bit of money left in your 401k, I just know you will find these offerings from upstanding companies such as Capital One very attractive–in a masochistic kind of way:
NEW YORK (Reuters) – Four big U.S. banks on Monday said they would sell $6.55 billion of common stock and repay funds from the government’s bank bailout program, after federal stress tests showed they can weather a deep recession without new capital.
U.S. Bancorp plans to sell $2.5 billion of stock, and sold $1 billion of five-year notes. Capital One Financial Corp sold $1.55 billion of stock, BB&T Corp said it will sell $1.5 billion, and Bank of New York Mellon Corp said it will sell $1 billion.
BB&T also cut its quarterly dividend 68 percent to 15 cents per share to save $725 million a year, after 37 straight years of higher payouts. Chief Executive Kelly King in an interview said the decision marks “the worst day in my 37-year career.”
Separately, KeyCorp said it would sell $750 million of stock to help plug what regulators called a $1.8 billion capital shortfall. KeyCorp said it may take other actions, including converting other securities to common stock.
The offerings were announced three days after Wells Fargo & Co and Morgan Stanley sold a combined $12.6 billion of stock. Morgan Stanley also sold $4 billion of debt.
The banks claim that the purpose of the offering is so that they can pay back their bailout money to the government. The government told them they must raise more money and what better place to get that money than from the very same people they have already screwed.
Now let’s see if I have this right:
They borrowed billions from you, the taxpayer. So now you get to buy stock so that they can pay you back with the money you give them. Seems like a good deal, right? And should these same banks use the money for parties and quail hunting trips, by some misfortune, default on the payback, you will have had the pleasure of being a Double Dipped Sucker. But you won’t mind. You’re accustomed to being screwed by Wall Street by now, right?
Yes that’s right, my friends. After your bank has bilked the government out of billions, they now want to screw you personally. That’s in addition to that little letter you got from them telling you that they are arbitrarily going to raise your credit card rate. All of this felt so good that I am sure you are thrilled that, for a limited time only, you too can complete the total depletion of everything you own by buying stock in a tanked bank.
If you don’t see your bank on this list, give it time, I am sure they will follow suit. After all, who wouldn’t want Bank of America stock? The banks say “Trust Me!” – Which is Wall Street for “Screw You”.
So get with it, gang. Give these poor banks another shot at finishing you off. Buy some stock in them. So what if their stocks fell below their offer price on the very day they announced their offering! Don’t let that deter you! It’s very American! And for a limited time only, you will get a free vintage CD of the Captain and Tenille performing, “Do That To Me One More Time“.