Banks to Americans: “Come back! There’s a part of your face we haven’t stepped on yet!”

capone_alJust in case you still have one available orifice left that a bank hasn’t gotten into one way or another, you are probably interested in knowing that some big banks are offering stock for sale. On the outside chance that you still have a little bit of money left in your 401k, I just know you will find these offerings from upstanding companies such as Capital One very attractive–in a masochistic kind of way:

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Four big U.S. banks on Monday said they would sell $6.55 billion of common stock and repay funds from the government’s bank bailout program, after federal  stress tests showed they can weather a deep recession without new capital.

U.S. Bancorp plans to sell $2.5 billion of stock, and sold $1 billion of five-year notes. Capital One Financial Corp sold $1.55 billion of stock, BB&T Corp said it will sell $1.5 billion, and Bank of New York Mellon Corp said it will sell $1 billion.

BB&T also cut its quarterly dividend 68 percent to 15 cents per share to save $725 million a year, after 37 straight years of higher payouts. Chief Executive Kelly King in an interview said the decision marks “the worst day in my 37-year career.”

Separately, KeyCorp said it would sell $750 million of stock to help plug what regulators called a $1.8 billion capital shortfall. KeyCorp said it may take other actions, including converting other securities to common stock.

The offerings were announced three days after Wells Fargo & Co and Morgan Stanley sold a combined $12.6 billion of stock. Morgan Stanley also sold $4 billion of debt.

The banks claim that the purpose of the offering is so that they can pay back their bailout money to the government.   The government told them they must raise more money and what better place to get that money than from the very same people they have already screwed.

Now let’s see if I have this right:

They borrowed billions from you, the taxpayer.  So now you get to buy stock so that they can pay you back with the money  you give them.  Seems like a good deal, right? And should  these same banks use the money for parties and quail hunting trips, by some misfortune, default on the payback, you will have had the pleasure of being a Double Dipped Sucker.  But you won’t mind. You’re accustomed to being screwed by Wall Street by now, right?

Yes that’s right, my friends.  After your bank has bilked the government out of billions,  they now want to screw you personally. That’s in addition to that little letter you got from them telling you that they are arbitrarily going to raise your credit card rate. All of this felt so good that I am sure you are thrilled that,  for a limited time only, you too can complete the total depletion of everything you own by buying stock in a tanked bank.  

If you don’t see your bank on this list, give it time, I am sure they will follow suit. After all, who wouldn’t want Bank of America stock? The banks say “Trust Me!” – Which is Wall Street for “Screw You”.

So get with it, gang.  Give these poor banks another shot at finishing you off. Buy some stock in them.  So what if their stocks fell below their offer price on the very day they announced their offering!  Don’t let that deter you! It’s very American! And for a limited time only, you will get a free vintage CD of  the Captain and Tenille performing,  “Do That To Me One More Time“.


6 Responses

  1. ROFL on the Captain and Tenille!

    I think you missed the real irony here: given what the banks did to everyone’s 401k, their miserable stock is just about the only one left that most investors can afford.

  2. “But you won’t mind. You’re accustomed to being screwed by Wall Street by now, right?”
    Nah, I don’t mind. I’m grabbing my ankles as we speak.

  3. Isn’t Banker’s Trust an OXYMORON?

    And, slightly OT here… WHY do banks hire the NASTIEST people to be tellers? As if you are a criminal for using a teller!

    Great post UW!

  4. I like how they don’t hire ENOUGH tellers and one little woman has to run between the counter and the drive-through, angering both sets of customers.

  5. nothing new. Banks started this in the 80’s and bought the votes in DC and now they have us where they wanted us all along. We are all strapped with a noose around our necks and waiting for the trap door to swing open.

  6. Uppity,

    Thanks for this post. This is the biggest scam of all time. People really need to wake up and look at the massive fraud and theft that is going on.

    I know it’s hard to face the fact that everything we were taught to believe in about the American dream was a lie…but that’s okay….you can create a new dream where you’re self-reliant and happy with simple things like baking fresh bread or growing tomatoes.

    Don’t buy into the false recovery these criminals are creating to suck you in and take what little money you have left. After the massive credit defaults that are getting ready to occur, these bank stocks will be like GM and Chrysler: worthless…

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