With Q2 reports in, Ford Motor Company, the one remaining American Auto manufacturer that isn’t part of Government Motors, is looking overseas to increase its profits over its 16% USA market share. Being more forward looking instead of being dominated by government bureaucrats and greedy managers and unions, FORD is holding its own by at least remaining in the black–a rarity in the US economy, it seems. They have also unveiled their own plan to increase fuel efficiency in their products, unlike GM and Chrysler who are busy waiting for Nancy Pelosi to tell them how many miles per gallon their autos should get. FORD might just make it without Bernanke, Paulson, Geithner and other assorted Obama children and Harvard Dropouts Auto Task Force Drivers of Foreign Cars Czars getting in the way. Somebody had better do something about that.
Kimberly-Clark earned 97 cents a share in Q2, while lower than last year’s second quarter, it’s at least better than this year’s first quarter. I guess that’s the closest the USA is getting to Good News these days. In this crappy economy, economic news is now divided into horrible, terrible, really bad, bad and “less bad”. So things are “less bad” for Kimberly-Clark. Kimberly-Clark makes Kleenex tissues for American consumers, the unemployed and the few remaining tax payers to cry into. They will also come in handy during the anticipated Swine Flu plans epidemic, during which all useless old and disabled people can proudly die knowing they have helped out a flagship American company by paying twice as much for “expanded” tissues–which translates into fewer in the box that “look” like more. Same as toilet paper.
Amazon shares sold off sharply yesterday after reporting a 10% drop in sales. Apparently reading is rapidly losing popularity. However, this is no surprise. Considering the dumbing down of American Schools, literacy is soooooooo over-rated. Besides, reading will be a health hazard after 2012, when Americans are all forced to live under the yellow bug lighting thrown by CFL bulbs.
Creepy, thieving, consumer screwer and member of an elitist group of all-around rat-fuckers, including Capital One and Bank of America, American Express isn’t doing so well. Their earnings fell as credit losses topped 10%. I guess it could have been worse but that they stole nearly $4 billion in bailout money from you. Hold onto your wallets if you are doing business with these thieves and have good credit, as I am certain you will be Made To Pay for their losses and have your FICO score messed with besides–that is if they haven’t screwed it up already. So much for “Credit Card Reform”. Thanks Congress. You never let us down when it comes to pretending you are doing something good when you are doing nothing.
GE, a company once known for its stability, long-range planning, steady growth and leading edge management, until the the day Jeff Immelt became CEO and dumped it into the crapper, has begun its reduced dividend payouts for the first time since 1938. Like they say, Everything Old Is New Again. Formerly earning 31 cents a share, millions of also-formerly middle-class retirees who are too old to return to work and who invested their retirement savings in this company for “long term growth” will now have to make due with 10 cents a share. That should help the economy a lot, don’t you think? What’s a few more homes in forclosure if it only affects useless old people, right? No wonder Mr. Immelt cut the microphone at the last stockholder’s meeting. Ironically, Mr. Immelt is a member of the President’s Economic Recovery board, as partial reward for assigning the ratings-tanked MSNBC as Barack’s personal Public Relations toy. I am sure Mr. Immelt is working very diligently to show Barack Obama how to “Improve” the USA in the same way the worse CEO GE has ever known has “Improved” GE. The Board Of Directors, picked by Friend-of-Iran Jeff, thinks he’s the cat’s ass, since they keep appointing him as CEO in spite of stockholder outrage. Barack likes him too, so he can’t be all bad, right? Mr. Immelt is salivating for Cap and Trade so he can implement his knuckle-cracking plans to profit from phony carbon credits, while continuing to stall the proper cleanup of the Hudson River, which, in addition to yielding mutant fish, has also yielded two types of water for decades, thanks to GE: Creamy and Chunky. Mr. Immelt also says he’s working hard on reducing the amount of mercury in GE CFL lighting during his race to dominate the sales of these shitty light bulbs that mean the end of Light as we have known and loved it — when the law kicks in sometime in 2012. We are talking about the same light bulbs that nearly set Deadender’s home aflame yesterday. Immelt is improving CFLs somewhere in Taiwan, no doubt.
Microsoft loses money– as sales of their shitbag Windows version known as Vista, which they debugged in the field at the expense of people’s computers — and as the equally un-debugged desperation replacement system known as Windows 7 receives a “surprise” cool reception. Microshit’s net income fell 29%. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the loss is better than predicted. See earlier paragraph above on the varying degrees of “awful” that is now used to describe American Quarterly performances. Please don’t forget to try out Bing.com, so that Microsoft can spy on you instead of Google. Gotta have a little variety, comrades.
On the brighter side, Elective Cosmetic Surgery is a winner. Except for Boob Jobs. Boob Jobs are losers this quarter. Hey, you gotta sacrifice SOMETHING when your Wall Street bonus is reduced to a meager couple of million, right? Things are so bad for these people, that they find themselves choosing between cosmetic surgery and vacations in Paris. Sucks, doesn’t it? However, Botox treatments are up 8%, probably due to Hollywood, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden. So keep a Stiff Upper Lip. Things are good for the Botox people, Botox Bandit notwithstanding. Hey, you gotta do whatchu gotta do, you know?
And the biggest loser of all in Q2 continues to be the American Public, who have now taken to not using any air conditioning in the heat of summer. Using the terminology that implies people are now “choosing” to enjoy “summer breezes,” Al Gorists regard this as a great thing for Global Warming even if a few useless old people and pets die of heat exhaustion because they can no longer afford to run their air conditioners. I am also sure that those who die during the coming winter for The Cause because they can’t afford heat will also be equally applauded while utility companies raise rates to pick up the slack and continue to enjoy record profits.
There’s plenty more news, but you get the picture.