You are under arrest for mollusk abuse

© Copyright 2009, Uppity Woman. All Rights Reserved.

Okay, by now you know how much I love my garden.  So you won’t be surprised that I went into sleuth mode when I realized that something was ruining my early tomatoes. Something sinister. It was drilling holes in them just as they were perfectly ripe for the picking. And that hole rendered what was left of those beautiful red things bitter and disgusting. I found myself picking those tomatoes when they were orange and ripening them elsewhere. That would not do. I put a lot of work into that garden and I had every right to ripen my tomatoes on the vine. I know my rights!  No, this would not do at all.

I had to know.

I had to know what disgusting, immoral creature without conscience was ruining my tomatoes. And I had to know before the rest of the the tomatoes  in rotation started to turn red.  So I did what any borderline insane normal person would do. With my dog in tow, I went out there late at night with my fashionable paranoia emergency light to monitor the activity. I actually got at least a little kick out of the fact that I had an opportunity to use this contraption when my life wasn’t in danger. It’s one of those combo radio, fluorescent, flood and emergency flasher-type lights, both red and green. Complete with a siren. It runs on four thousand D batteries. I bought the thing when I realized that one day soon, either the Jihadists or cyber- people eyeing our electric grids were eventually going to reach us, since nobody in government seems in the least bit concerned about who enters this country or what they do when they get here, and they are pretty much computer ignorant in DC. In other words, hackers seem to break into our government computers almost weekly. So, I regarded this as a practice in the use of my emergency light, which is a good thing, because I immediately flipped the wrong switch and turned on the siren. Believe me, from now on, I will know where the siren button is.

I shined the light directly on the plants and moved it slowly over every inch of those potentially succulent fruits and their leaves. And there he was. A slug. A disgusting, revolting, slimy slug,  on top of the one tomato on that plant that would be ready for picking in the morning. He was shamelessly sucking a hole in it right before my eyes, the little bastard! And he brought two friends with him, sitting on the nearby leaves waiting for their turn!

crazywomanI went wild.

My eyes flashed red in the dark I am sure.

I could feel the veins in my neck pulsating.

I began to curse and my curses echoed across the quiet land. My dog, who was sitting there patiently wondering how it is she got stuck with such a nutbag for a Person, stood up and barked. Mom was mad, surely there is something Wrong. By this time,  I heard my neighbor behind me come out of his home with his dog. I heard his dog barking, which sparked my dog to start barking loud enough to shatter glass. Then across the way, yet another dog started barking. They were all barking and I was moving mylight across my entire garden, covering every inch, looking for yet more of these vile, revolting creatures that are only second to the flea in their ability to disgust me.

47667632-300x300-0-0_Monterey+Sluggo+Plus+2+5lbI had spent what I thought was too much money in May on some stuff called SLUGGO. I wanted to head off the slugs at the pass. Other than getting a couple of dozen ducks, I knew of no other way to do it than to buy SLUGGO. The slug killer comes in two pound jugs and the little pellets inside are both appetizing and deadly to slugs.  The pellets, however, are harmless to pets, humans and plants. They contain iron, which is deadly to slugs but not bad stuff for your garden. This was very important to me, especially since every cat for miles around that is out loose generally stops by to visit me.  I plant catnip for them and they enjoy taunting my dog, who loves cats.  Knowing that the stuff is harmless to all living things except disgusting slugs held a real appeal to me. Apparently the slugs eat them and it renders them unable to eat again. Then they wander off to their den and die of anorexia or some such thing–hidden away where you don’t have to look at the revolting things. Then, I imagine, the remaining slugs in the den hold a mass slug funeral or something. Whatever.

I must say that the SLUGGO worked. I was pretty much slugless.  The problem is I didn’t anticipate that maybe I didn’t kill them ALL. Obviously, I missed at least two of them. And so the little beasts did what they had plenty of time to do in between eating gardens: they multiplied.

I donned a rubber glove and  grabbed the three slugs I found — and threw them on the ground. A tomato fell off the plant and now I was REALLY swearing. By now my dog was totally perplexed and she kept looking down at the ground and then up at me, then down at the ground and up at me. Then I went to the garage and grabbed a garden shovel and the remaining SLUGGO granules I still had.

First, I beat the crap out of those three slugs with the shovel and then I began to place a ring of SLUGGO granules around the plants.  I just KNEW there were hundreds more of these little balls of slime all around me. I could feel them watching me, talking to each other in Slug language about how they can’t  wait to reach the rest of my tomatoes and suck holes in them.

This was the point at which things got a lot brighter than they were by the light of my emergency light contraption. Two police cruisers pulled up.  One car faced my land and flashed a prowl spotlight around the property. Two cops got out of the other car and headed my way, holding flashlights and unsnapping their gun holsters. I downed my dog, who by now thought we were under siege and then I froze and thought  Jaysus, I am going to get shot by the cops over my tomatoes! I could almost hear the hundreds of  hiding slugs laughing.

I said aloud as they moved closer, “This is my house guys! I’m just killing slugs!“.

By the time they were close enough to see their faces, I could see they were both laughing. They told me a neighbor called them and thought somebody was out here robbing or killing somebody or something. I explained about the slugs and one of them said he was going to arrest me for molesting slugs.  The other cop asked me if I had any beer and I said, “Why, do you want one?“.  So he said, no, people use beer to kill slugs. And I said, Yes I know but I couldn’t resist asking. Then he went on about how his wife does this beer thing and buries jars in the ground full of beer to catch drunken slugs.

Anyways, as they left to make out their slug report or whatever,  they kind of asked if I could finish this job by daylight and wrap up the emergency light thing. So I obliged, but not before throwing more Sluggo around the plants and hitting those three slugs with the shovel one more time to make sure I finished the job. I actually yelled “Take That, you bastards!“.

main_slugbeer_0331 In the morning I went to a nearby convenience store and, while everybody else was buying coffee, I  asked the guy behind the counter which was the cheapest beer they had.

The guy looked at me like Geeze, the woman obviously will drink anything at 8AM.  So I bought some Busch beer and went out to the garden with a bunch of little containers and buried them close to the plants.  I filled the little containers with beer, which was stupid, because slugs don’t hang out in gardens in the sunlight. Besides that, by ten o’clock it was raining so hard here that I thought I might need an Ark–thus watering down and wasting perfectly bad cheap beer. That was the bad news. The worse news was, the rain and missing sun  brought out an army of slugs, all heading for my tomatoes.  So I put on a hoodie and went out there and scooped up a boatload of them with an old slotted spoon and threw them into a bucket of water. At first, I just gleefully watched them drown, but as their numbers grew and I could see where their dens were by their paths, I became much more insane and scurried around the land scooping the scheevy  little bastards up and throwing them into the bucket. Some of them actually tried to escape, so I whacked them back into the water. By the time I was soaked to my own gills,  I had executed more than 50 slugs and more were heading my way. I grabbed the orange tomatoes that looked ready to redden off the plants and went inside. I also left the bucket of dead slugs near the garden to serve as an example to the other slugs. When I was dry again, I went back out and executed some more.

A dry spell is predicted for the next few days. So tonight, it’s Miller Time for slugs. Now that I know their den areas, I will leave some beer for them there as well, inviting the slimy SOBs to an opportunity to whet their whistles on their trip to my garden. I’m not worried about stray cats because  I know enough about cats to know that no self-respecting cat would drink cheap beer.

I will do the beer run just before dark so that the Police  Slug Swat Team doesn’t have to show up again. However, if I make a wrong move or find myself unable to resist beating on some slugs, this could easily be my second offense. So if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, know that I have been arrested for serving alcohol to under-age slugs or some such shit.

92 Responses

  1. Awesome report of frustrating nocturnal mission! Hope you and pooch will be able to nap before returning to active duty this evening.

  2. Uppity

    Your slug-fest sounds fun. And I will always picture you as that screaming Italian woman in the post! (Pretty close to how I have imagined you look anyway….LOL)

    As for your slugs, the pesky bastards….perhaps you could invite Nicholas Kristof and Family (from the NYT) to come keep watch over your garden. They like to lick slugs. Perhaps, give ’em a Busch and let them go at it….

    “How to Lick a Slug…”

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/opinion/02kristof.html?_r=1&th&emc=th

  3. “Just another example of the white man getting away with murder.”
    Prof. Gates

  4. ” Ehemmmm…..I am a lawyer for the ACLU and am representing the surviving families of the martyred slugs…..We are filing suit in Federal Court on monday….You will be served papers by Monday afternoon…Have a nice day & enjoy your summer salad… : ) ” – Sluggo Dershowitz, ACLU.

  5. nocturnal mission

    ROFL!

    “Just another example of the white man getting away with murder.”

    Show me an albino slug and I’ll kill him too!

    Sluggo Dershowitz, ACLU

    OMG I’m dying here!

  6. Are you all ready for this? It’s raining!

    All meteorologists should be hung. They are nothing by lying bastages. What do they learn in meteorology school? How to bullshit with a straight face? Elected official material they are!

  7. You might want to consider a slug moat. Or tiny little slug catapults. My money is on a scarecrow made from a photo of Obama holding a beer. That will scare the bejeebus out of any self respecting slug. And since you don’t live in D.C. where they worship and not so secretly procreate slugs, it is bound to work.

    Thanks for a very entertaining post. Sorry for your slugfest. But if the truth be known, I think you get off whacking those slimy suckers anyway.

  8. Hey, FF, the NYT has been licking DC slugs’ undersides for years. They are experienced.

  9. shhhit, I do admit that I got a rush every time I whacked one. Ok I admitted it. Sometimes it was just a tingle up my leg, but there was definitely something there. I liked it. Otherwise I would have put up a sign that said NO SLUGS long ago.

  10. LOL, that was fun reading, Uppity.

    Hilarious someone called the cops on you. Do cat burglers really walk around with a spotlight? Did they think you were burying a body out there?

    Copper tape seems to help too. The problem is it’s expensive. I have a couple of pots wrapped with copper tape that seem to be saying slug free. There’s a lady here that puts glass bottles in a cement mixer and breaks them all up into polished glass. She puts it around the garden because the slugs don’t like the rough edges and won’t cross it. It’s beautiful stuff and doesn’t cut you because it’s been polished enough.

  11. I have a whole antique 4 foot wide roll of copper wire screening in the garage. Worth a fortune. I was going to sell it for scrap but I may just keep it and snip it up. It’s really strong stuff though and it’s kind of a sin to chop it up.

    ytt, i just think they were kind of looking out for me.

  12. “ytt, i just think they were kind of looking out for me.”

    Really? You should have screamed at them, “do you know who I am? I am a very important woman!” Than you could have accused them of profiling slug killers.

  13. Thank God I didn’t have a cup of coffee in my hand when I read this! Uppity’s back!

    On a more serious note, I wrote a piece about another subject I know is near and dear to your heart. It mentions beer, too…

    http://insightanalytical.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/a-stolen-victory-during-he-beer-summit-or-how-to-rewrite-congressional-votes-while-no-one-is-really-looking-its-about-our-food/#comments

  14. I wrote something today that I think Uppity would enjoy. If for nothing else, the complete absurdity of the subject of my written assassination. But Fair Warning: Not for the faint of heart. This lives up to the title of my blog.

    Ireland Dons a Burka, Issues Fatwa

  15. It’s raining like hell. I went out there and only harvested 7 slugs heading for the garden. Slow little bastards. I killed them. Looks like I dented the family pretty badly. I feel awful. Just awful. Not. I am officially on slug watch. In the rain. Because I am insane.

  16. That story makes me laugh. A few years ago I had a lovely garden…for slugs. These suckers were big. At night they would come out of their hooches headed for my beds and the driveway would appear littered with cuban cigars. Under the moonlight I would wrest the bastards off my plants by knocking them into a coffee can where I would later give them a dose of salt. No small creatures were they. Someone suggested I try the beer trick. I set little containers of beer out for the darlings but when I looked out the window later that night these guys were simply bellied up to the container sipping away. They were large enough to stay rooted on the ground and dunk their heads in the vat. Refreshed, they would slither back home leaving drunken trails behind. The next night the party grew larger and I surmised that word had spread throughout the neighborhood slug society that there was free booze at my house. I stopped serving and went back to the salting method-not pretty but oh, so effective!

  17. This is going to be a slug filled summer.

  18. I had this problem when I had my “fair weather home” upstate. I learned of them when I stepped on one (barefoot) and spent the rest of the afternoon hurling.

    Tried all the usual stuff, but beer works best. Their preference was a Chinese beer (Tsing-Tao). Expensive, but the body count vs money spent made it well worth it.

  19. A photograph of the alleged Kenyan BC of Obama has now surfaced at Orly Taitz’ site. It lists his birthplace, the hospital where he was born and contains signatures of the registrar. She is trying to get the US District Court to help her validate it by allowing her to subpoena the Kenyan Embassy and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to authenticate it. Also, duplicate copies of BCs from BritishColonies in 1961 were kept in Great Britain, so that’s another place where it can be authenticated.

    http://tinyurl.com/mtmlfx

  20. Ok KB, RRRRRRRROFLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

  21. could this be the Kenyan BC?

  22. The document calls for father’s signature. Not there, though.

  23. Why would they have waited 3 years to 1964 to register his birth.
    Someone must have made a typo when designing the fake BC.

  24. “Why would they have waited 3 years to 1964 to register his birth.”<.i?

    Maybe that’s why he was saying that the Civil Rights movement waited for him to be born first?

    To be honest, I don’t know how much I believe in the whole BC thing. Even if its true, do any of us really believe that anything will come of it?

  25. Of course it’s not going to contain the signature of Obama’s father. The document is a CERTIFIED COPY of the original birth certificate issued on February 17, 1964. Unlike the one circulating from Hawaii on the Internet, this one has signatures of the Deputy Registrar and lists his birthplace, the hospital where he was born and other interesting details all of which can be verified.

  26. thanks Upp.for the sunshine and the laughs!!(hugs)
    down with slugs.

  27. UW slugs the slugs. Go, Uppity!

    Excuse this non-gardeners ignorance, but wouldn’t it be easier, if less bucolic, to go back to ripening the tomatoes indoors?

  28. UW,

    At Alta Vista I typed in Slugs, Natural Remedies, and found sveral free and commercial sites. Two of thw free ones:

    http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=slugs%2C+natural+remedies&kgs=1&kls=0

    Maybe you’ll find some help at this site, especially the section “Insect Control in the Garden.”

    http://ezinearticles.com/?Natural-Home-Remedies-For-Controlling-Pest-Insects-and-Bugs&id=1209238

    Also,

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=A0oGkt4LAXZKMnUAcAxrCqMX;_ylu=X3oDMTBvdmM3bGlxBHBndANhdl93ZWJfcmVzdWx0BHNlYwNzcg–?qid=20070630121209AAWNlAG

  29. Don’t taste as good that way Mary.

  30. oops.The first link is to the Alta Vista page. “Two of the free ones” should come after that link.
    😳

  31. DE,

    Compromise beats being thrown in the slammer for mollusk pofiling. Although UW’s cops sound like they’re ready for a Beer Summit in advance.

    btw, I highly recommend GG’s article on beer-as-distraction from legslated genocide.

  32. omg! What a funny story! Poor Uppity! I never see any slugs where I live, I do get snails; however, my particular destroyer of homegrown tomatoes are the ground squirrels. I’ve tried everything to keep these naughty critters out of my tiny backyard (on the side of a hill), but nothing works. I even tried feeding them critter food on the hill outside my fence, but they’re so greedy, they come into my yard for more. I feed the wild birds and the tree squirrels also. The tree squirrels are great, they jump from our tree to the top of the fence, eat their food in their own container, and then leave. Never bother my plants. Ditto for the birds.

    I wonder if the beer works for snails?

  33. Uppity, for real? the cops and everything??

    What we will do for our tomatoes 🙂

    I hear pennies are good for slug control-place pennies around base of plant.. or just use a penny to smoosh the slugs to smithereens!

    mysteriously satisfying.

  34. Boy, I thought Mary was going to slap me around for killing creatures and here she is helping me. Obviously she feels my plight. Live and let live, but don’t screw with my tomatoes.

    Pennies that work have to be copper. That means old pennies. The new pennies aren’t worth a penny and they stopped using all copper long ago, when they figured out that people were melting them down.

  35. Yup for real catarina.

    Yes, beer DOES work. I stuck some beer under some treed because it was raining, and I knew the slugs used them as dens. I just found about twenty more slugs. Drowned in all their tomato-sucking glory.

  36. Call it MY “Busch Garden”. LOL.

  37. Gardening is kind of a pain in the ass. My parents stopped doing it because the tomatoes were small and frequently eaten.

    Can a person make their own hothouse?

  38. Grail, I really like your article. Thanks for all the tips. I emailed the CA senators. I was stunned that the bill passed. I think they named it wrong, it should be more accurately titled the “Food Monopoly for the evil Monsanto Corp Act of 2009”. Or maybe the “Poisonous Monsanto Food Enchanced with Pesticides Act of 2009”.

  39. Uppity,

    Enchanting and wonderful story……hilarious…….

    But those aren’t slugs, those are Escargot! The French would be horrified at what you’re doing!

    Speaking of slimy basterds…I’ve been growing basil 3 floors up in an apartment with NY style windows (no screens). One day I noticed tiny little holes in the basil but I couldn’t see or figure out where it was coming from. Each day thereafter I kept seeing bigger and bigger bites until my beautiful plants were literally chewed down to the nub, I’m not kidding…

    Turns out there were little green basterd caterpillars that blended in with the basil and they mowed down my plants so fast it was unbelievable!

    I was able to get all the ones off the basil because now they were basically clinging to sticks and easy to see. They were drowneded.

    The ones on the parsley and oregano ended up in the freezer on the plants because the plants were ruined. When I took the plants out, the caterpillars fell off like caterpillarsicles…..

    Hey, I’m just honing my combat skills for when the real slimeballs come along…

  40. surfer they are escargot that can’t afford shells under the current Obama tax program. Slugs are snails on welfare.

  41. Anyone who’s seen “Idiocracy” may like my latest post.

    http://daysofchange.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/day-271/

  42. surfer, I had the same thing happen to my herbs. Its hard to grow stuff naturally.

  43. Haha! I like that “Busch Garden”. I need to get some. Cheap beer that is.

  44. Hey I like escargot. Slugs are not escargot. Every seen the size of the bastages? Escargot are good with garlic and white wine sautee. Slugs are good with the end of my shovel.

    I just went out there. It’s very wet from the rains but I had put out some beer anyhow. They are all drowning themselves. It’s wonderful.

  45. And I picked all the orange tomatoes. I will ripen them in the sun away from slugs. One of them appears to have a penis. I shall take a photo.

  46. “One of them appears to have a penis. I shall take a photo.”

    imustwouldsayyoumust

    as for posting it, that may get you busted for “slime” on the internets

  47. and btw Uppity – how can you tell the difference between the slug and his penis?

  48. No no no. I did not check for slug penises. The tomato has a penis. The slugs are hermaphrodites I think. And I saw several of them locked together, which means they were both reproducing from two ends. Adds a whole new meaning to the words Go F**k yourself. Geeze, if I could do that, i would never have to leave the house…..

  49. I would assume about half of them would have one.

  50. P4P – Half the tomatoes?

    Uppity,

    I forwarded your article to my Dad who has been waging war against slugs and chipmonks all summer. He’s tried all the stuff you did, and also goes out at dusk but he takes a salt shaker and melts the little buggers/boogers. His mania matches yours, but he has given up on the slugs and moved on to the colony of chippers burrowing under everything in his yard that’s not moving.

    Of course his efforts are still futile, but I keep trying to point out the bright side: at least the deer aren’t eating his hosta. There’s none left!

  51. GG, half the slugs would have penises.

  52. Socalannie……LMAO!

    DE….if anyone comes to the door offering salt and beer…RUN!

    Wait….isn’t this how they got rid of the Indians?

  53. Socal,

    I now have a real appreciation for people who grow our food. I can’t even grow a dang pot of basil! If it weren’t for people like Uppity who know what the hell they’re doing, we’d all starve!

    Uppity, are you canning those tomatoes?

  54. Love the post! Keep on trucking with your garden. The varmits are out there!

  55. I don’t appreciate Monsanto.

  56. Ah, you have slugs, I have ground squirrels, encamped right over the wall. They climb the wall, jump to my raised beds and have at it. I didn’t get to fully enclose things this year due to various interruptions, so they go around the fencing I do have up and walk right in….
    They annihilated my swiss chard, munched on eggplant flowers, and you KNOW what they did to the tomatoes, not to mention the nipping of the sweet potato vines…

    And I feed the little SOBs, too. Lovely leftover/waste scraps of veggies and fruits, etc. etc.

    Ungrateful wretches!!!!!

    However, I bagged all my grapes and peaches and although they got a few peaches, I did get some for myself, too, this year!!

  57. The wildlife must eat… The wildlife will eat…

  58. And this is why in the food chain, we eat the critters who eat our food. Except the slugs. Never the slugs.

  59. UW,

    In the ordinary way of things, I would box your ears. However, I think we’re all going to need to hone our survival skills to a faretheewell very soon. And when it comes to competing on the food chain, people come first–well, maybe not all the two-legged slugs in DC.

    I am worried about my dear deer, wild turkeys, and other fauna in the coming hard times.

  60. “Can a person make their own hothouse?”

    Actually, P4, I think i remember seeing ads for kits to build hothouses. Now there’s a subsistence idea for all of us.

  61. No Socal, I don’t can them. I share half of them and I make marinara sauce with them and freeze it in containers for the winter.

    I swear if those bastages touch my romain and my bush beans, i will start shooting at them.

    GG, if your father has a lot of trees and groundcover, bedding, that’s where the slugs move in. I do as well. I have plenty of land for them to romp on. Tell him to try the SLUGGO. It really does work, but next year I will have the good sense to use it in may AND in june again. The beer is working wonders though. Already I am bagging fewer and fewer of them. The first night was a huge catch and now it is winding down for them. Tell your dad to put the beer out when it’s dry. More will be attracted to drink. And tell him not to water until early AM instead of PM, where the wetness attracts them. They won’t come out when the sun is around. it disintegrates them. I threw a boatload of them in one spot, dead. And the next day they were disintegrated in the sunlight.

    I always had a boatload of squirrels on my land as well but I am thrilled for stray cats, as cats drive them away. You want to reduce the number of squirrels, put a cat out there. As for my dog, the squirrels make a cucold of her. They taunt her and she wants nothing more than to get one of them but she never does. No sir, when it comes to scaring squirrels away, a cat is the trick. I always enjoyed having them around until one got into my basement. That was the end of my love affair with squirrels. And then there was that baby squirrel that thought I was its mother. I just had to damned many of them. Now it’s down to a manageable number. They never bother my garden. In fact, nothing ever bothers my garden except slugs. And I have learned a lot this year about where they live, how they breed and next year they won’t be living here.

  62. For those of you who love fresh tomatoes, please try caprese insalada. The Italian way to enjoy them.

    Slice up a big ripe beefsteak tomato. Buy FRESH mozzarella. This is different from the stuff you buy for pizza. It is found in a deli, floating in liquid. It is a whole different experience.slice it up and arrange it with the tomato slices. You must also have fresh shaved basil atop it. Then drizzle the whole thing with good extra virgin olive oil. Bring crusty bread with you.

    There is also an Italian potato salad that is served room temp. You mix fresh tomatoes in with the potatoes, add fresh basil and olive oil and……well you get the picture. Not served hot. Room temp.

  63. ummmmm food, fresh. old world style. sans slugs who drowned in alcoholism

  64. surfergrrl,

    Word of what they have planned for us is starting to get out. In case you missed it, I left you a note and vid last night–well, night for us–at the end of the Broccoli Cat thread:
    Mary, on August 2nd, 2009 at 3:11 AM.

  65. After such long working hours/weekends…Friday to this morning(Monday 3rd Aug.) I came home to MKB & Ms UW land to read such a “slugs slugging” or “how to slug the slugs” Or “get arrested for slugging slugs” Or almost “eating slugs” or “drunkard slugs” to “eating tomatoes with slugs”(?)…ALMOST DIED RFLMAO!!!!!!!!! Too funny. Thank you Ms UW and everyone…i needed to chill out…in a g reat way. muahhhhhh

  66. Uppity,

    Yes, Dad has exactly the scenario you describe. And had the same issue with his beer getting washed out with the virtually non-stop rain we’ve been getting. He did try slug repellent, but I’ll have to ask him if it was Sluggo or not. In any case, I doubt it would’ve worked this year since tht would have been washed away too. Maybe we should just coat the outside of the ark with Sluggo…

    As for the cats, I agree but I can’t get him to. His old neighbors had a good old fashioned barn cat that basically just came in when the weather was too nasty to hunt. Never a chipmunk problem then. When they moved to a smaller home they couldn’t take their pets and offered the cat to Dad since he was familiar with the area and was very low maintenance. Dad said no, and the problems began. Now his yard looks like Lorraine Swiss and the little buggers even occasionally get into the basement and garage. What a mess. He got so frustrated he even tried filling the holes concrete!

    His latest brainstorm is to scare them with fireworks. Just imagine a septuagenarian running around stuffing M-60’s into tiny holes in the ground…

  67. Uppity, slugs are mad for stout — it’s a little pricey, but slugs in numbers you never knew you had come racing (well, slug racing) for that sweet dark stuff as soon as you put it out there. I use Guinness.

    In rainy weather, cover the container leaving a hole in the side for them to crawl through.

  68. GG Dad shoulda took the cat.

    Remember the Pied Piper story? They got all the rats because they killed all the cats you know. That’s how the plague came. Nasty people killed cats and did the Devil mumbo jumbo about them. Millions of people died because religious nutballs killed off cats. A historical event worth remembering when they don’t leave out the part about the cats.

    Dad needs a cat. Won’t help with slugs though, but yes with the chippies. But LOL on the fireworks. Tell Dad Sluggo does not go away with rain. The grains do not melt. But it does look at though they like beer even more than they like sluggo.

    I don’t know much about beer. I find it to be foul stuff no matter what color it is.

  69. Want me to send Bill? I mean he’s a bit pricey with his niparoni habit but he’ll probably do the job. Maybe. Do they have a Cat Chipmunk Hunter’s Union there? If so, fergittabowtit.

  70. I have a little portable greenhouse that I use to start seeds. But you need something big and pricey to REALLY grow. And besides, when it comes to some veggies, hothouse just doesn’t cut it. Like tomatoes. They need the land and the sun and the rain. Besides, I’m sure slugs can get into greenhouses too.

  71. Uppity,

    Send Bill on over if you can drag him away from his Tuscan vacation! Dad’s got more than enough chippers to keep him off the ‘nip. And Mary thought the penguins were evil…

  72. … Just imagine a septugenarian…

    Saluting my elders! Thank youse!!!!

  73. Uppity, links tab are gone. so, If you need a break with a little edge, check out Danny Brasco. It defines frugasi.

    Thanks for hanging in here for us.

  74. Coffe grounds work nicely for these pets; don’t like the texture. Plus you can pick of a bag of grounds at Starbucks for free and the grounds are good for plants that favor acid in the soil.

  75. Uppity,

    Your post and these comments have had me laughing so hard I’m almost crying here. Now I don’t feel so bad that when I’m pulling out weeds with roots the size of ginger root that I’m cussing up a storm — you got damn weed, you’re coming out whether you like it or not, *&%^$!

    And for the crusade to rid your green world of slugs (yuck!), a little war against varmints:

  76. OMG, I remember that Bill Murray scene. LOL!

  77. ROFLLLLLLLLLL Murray.

  78. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!!!
    Thanks Uppity, belly laughs appreciated!

  79. More poison, more killing, more warfare on other species. More!More!More! If a human does not like it, it must be worthless and bad. More poison! More killing !

  80. I’m rolling my eyes here. Next time you eat that arugula that your parents paid for, you had best be aware that the farmer killed those slugs that would have made it impossible for you to eat much of anything. If you want, I can drop off about 300 dead drunken slugs that tried to destroy my food supply over to your house and you can revive them. Then you could start a Save The Slugs campaign designed to cut off everybody’s food supply, including your own. After all, people are nothing and neither is food. Slugs are where it’s at! Get involved!

    And if a mosquito bites you and gives you West Nile disease or a tick gives you Lyme disease, rest easy knowing you have sacrificed yourself for a Higher Cause.

  81. Hey PDX, fuck off you slug.

  82. PDX: we’ll let the bacteria know you’ve declared amnesty for them. The E.Coli will be right over. They’d like to know: do you eat sh*t straight up or with a twist?

  83. PDX isn’t it past your bedtime dear? Now run along maybe Mommy will read Horton Hears A Who for your bedtime story….that’s your favorite book I’m sure.

  84. Where’d the hoodlum come from? God, these trolls have no sense of humor, do they? So dreary.

  85. PDX,

    In general, I agree with you. I am both an animal welfare supporter and a vegetarian.

    However, when it comes to competition for food supply, people take precedence over animals because, with notable exceptions, the highest good is to save a human life.

    Consider, too, that you have absolutely no right to fore your perception of morality on anybody else. Finally, lighten up.

  86. I’m sure PDX would agree with the scientist that are study the garbage patch in the pacific instead of cleaning it up too.

    Mary sometimes they go to far. We were scanning on the teevee and came across Whale Wars (greenpeacer’s stopping the Japanese whaling fleet) They had lost 5 members of their crew in a small boat miles away and the rest of the crew was in the larger vessel. They were following a Japanese whaling ship and weren’t going to go back and try to save their crew members because if the Japanese ship got away it might kill a whale. The captain kept saying, “I hope they find us but we can’t let the ship get away”. Some peoples priority’s are F-ed up.

  87. Wonder what PDX would do about a bad (good) case of bed bugs. Saw the bites on a co-worker. omigod.
    I didn’t even know there were really such things. My stomach is turning.

    Wonder if PDX has anything against antibiotics? Yea, we should do away with those life killers! Not fair to those innocent microscopic cell invaders. Staph has rights.

    Tumors? oh well, live and let live Just a little cell gone awry.

  88. DE,
    Talk about misguided. WTF!

    Papoose,
    Oooo, gross. It’s easy for people like PDX who are fighting for a good cause to lose sight of good sense. I really do understand what he means when he says that our first reaction is often to kill and poison other species. But regrettable and painful as it is, sometimes it is necessary. I hope as he matures, he’ll learn this.

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