Somebody please outlaw fruitcakes.

I was going to post this as your open thread for tomorrow, so consider it that. But I have to get this off my chest now. I can do that. It’s my blog.

I got a damned fruitcake! I simply cannot believe I am stuck with a fruitcake! Worse yet, I got it today, so the person who dumped it on me must have gotten it yesterday! Or worse, last year! Or three years ago! Who knows with fruitcakes?

I remember once receiving a dollar bill with “Where in the world is George” stamped on it with a website to visit. The idea was to track where that dollar bill goes. So I bit and tracked the serial number for awhile. I think we should do this with fruitcakes.

You see. I have this theory that all fruitcakes are recycled. Some of them might even travel around the world for years and years as gifts. They appear to be shelf-stable indefinitely. I mean how the hell can you tell if a fruitcake is stale. They all have the texture of hockey pucks. Therefore they can travel forever. I firmly believe that you could conceivably give someone a fruitcake and receive the same fruitcake back at Christmas decades later.

I hate fruitcake and I think it should be outlawed. Especially those fruitcakes with the green gumdrop stuff in them and that Godawful yellow citron stuff. I don’t care what anybody says, that stuff is reminiscent of dried sinusitis snot.

I don’t think there are websites totally dedicated to selling fruitcakes. How would they stay in business? Does anybody really buy a fruitcake?  So, fruitcake manufacturers (think Aunt Millie’s ironworks and fruitcake factory) usually pimp these hockey pucks via other rather odd outlets. Over here at Cabela’s, “World Famous Outfitter,” you can buy your hunting and archery gear, dog supplies and your “Grandma’s” Famous Fruitcake all in one place. That’s because they make great decoys and targets! Why I bet I could empty half a clip into the one we have before it’s no longer feasible to shoot at it. You can even get one at JC Penney’s or Amazon.

I know. I know. There’s always one in a crowd. Some squirrel who loves fruitcake. I’m sure there’s one here. But I’m here to say I am definitely not alone in finding these things repulsive. I Googled  “I hate fruitcake” and let me tell you, I am going easy on the despicable things compared to some other people. Fruitcake is so reviled that there are even T Shirts with “I Hate Fruitcake” embossed on them.

We are in the process of trying to figure out what to do with this damned fruitcake that weighs in like a bowling ball. Some options we are floating around: Dump Grand Armagnac  all over it and eat it anyways, and we won’t care what the rest of it tastes like. We wouldn’t even have to pick out the yellow and green stuff. I myself would go for this, but truth is, I find the stuff so disgusting, I would be more apt to suck on it to extract the nectar, rather than bite into it.

Personally I like the second option: Leave it behind someone else’s door at night and let THEM disposition it.

I’d take a picture of this animal but it’s still wrapped up and in its tin. It’s highly possible the tin has been replaced over the years.

So……..what shall we do with this fruitcake?

Thanks to imustprotest for the Fruitcake Song link.

79 Responses

  1. I vote for using them as building material.

    My mom likes fruitcake. Send it to her.

  2. Oh ROFL imust! Priceless! I should put it in the post.

  3. What to do with the fruit cake….why not ASK the fruit cake?

  4. RRRRRRRRRRRROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

  5. get a shovel and bury it in the neighbors back yard

  6. IT’s biodegradable, and has stuff that is good for the environment, so recycle it, and if you don’t have a food recyclable program – use it for target practice.

  7. I’ve never even seen a fruitcake in person (persons acting like fruitcakes excepted, of course).

    On the Food Network, Alton Brown did an episode on his “Good Eats” series called “It’s a Wonderful Cake,” on which he baked a fruitcake he claimed is actually delicious.

    Recipe: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/free-range-fruitcake-recipe/index.html

  8. Send it to Barry in DC aka FOTUS…( Fruitcake of he United States )

  9. Good one WCA!

  10. Roz Alton’s is good. Harry & David make an edible one too.

  11. Edible. I mean who the heck wants something that is just………edible. Only the very BEST fruicake is Edible as best.

  12. – cannot believe I am reading this. My neighbor, who ALWAYS brings me stuff for me and the pets, called me today to describe the beautiful dessert one of her kids made for Christmas. (Her kids are 50+ yo) It was great but there was just “too much” forher to eat alone.

    The other day she did the same thing – brought me over a WONDERFUL lemon pudding cake…YUM

    today when she called, I was full of expectation! “YES! I’ll take it” I said!

    So, a few hours later, she drove up in my driveway – handed me a bag of goodies and took off…

    when I got inside, I dove into the bag to find the dessert! Imoved a box of cookies, Russel Stover dark chocolates, kebab bits for the dog and voila! There it was – in foil at the bottom!

    I unwrapped it – only to discover -yes, you guessed it…

    A FUCKING FRUITCAKE!

  13. HAHAHAHA you got a fruitcake!

    Nice neighbor though! Lucky!

  14. The neighbor is great

    she walks the hood aolmost every night and gives ALL the outdoor cats treats and leaves Milk Bones for the dogs

    she must spend a FORTUNE on pet treats

    and they all know her when she is coming

  15. I don’t think there are websites totally dedicated to selling fruitcakes. …
    ************
    http://www.collinstreet.com/pages/online_bakery_gift/deluxe_fruitcake

    They have been in bidness since 1896…(Their fruitcakes are good, IMO)

  16. SHV wrote=
    They have been in bidness since 1896…(Their fruitcakes are good, IMO)

    And aged …. since 1896, huh?

  17. Oh no…I’m going to be the only one on your blog to say this…I like fruitcake. (ducking and running away as fast as I can in this Habit).

    (stopping just long enough to shout this…”I like citron, too!”…running again)

  18. Bzzzzzzzzzzz! NOT TOTALLY dedicated. These folks sell pecan cakes and cheesecake and all kind of GOOD stuff in addition to their ass dragging fruitcake.

    Ok folks, we found one. A fruitcake lover. One in every crowd.

  19. Et Tu Mary Ellen?

    Oh God she likes citron. OMG, you EAT that?

    Gag…….sputter….

  20. DE was right Mary Ellen. You were the lady who knocked the pope down.

  21. Good fruitcake. That’s like an oxymoron isn’t it?

    Is a fruitcake ever DELICIOUS? As in Oh Boy! I am WISHING for fruitcake!

  22. A couple slices of the Abbey cake, and I’m quite sure you’ll start lovin’ fruitcakes again (don’t eat and drive though)… They are incredible – a Christmas tradition.

    http://www.societystjohn.com/store/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=65

  23. finely, you got a better chance of seeing God than you have of seeing me eat that.

  24. All are outstandingly delicious, and will keep and improve for years.

    Told you! It’s the same ten fruitcakes moving all over the world!

  25. Collin Street Bakery – Corsicana, TX – they are the best! I got a fruitcake one Christmas – home made by a grannie of one of the local golf pros(hm, nickname Waterhead – drove an ancient Roll s-Royce Phantom V) I hated fruitcake til that winter, living on an island off the coast of SC, it was cold and I was so home sick and not just a little bit lonely. The only reason he gave it to me was he accidentally stepped on my pet chameleon who was wintering in my bedroom. The chameleon would sleep on the drape at night – hoping for the first rays of sunlight in the morning to thaw him out because I kept my house cold enough to “hang meat”. Chameleon would sleep in the sunlight on the carpet during the day. Waterhead’s grannie soaked the cake in liquor – it got me through a bad winter and Collin Street is pretty good. If that ol’ cake is from Collin Sreet – I’ll take it off your hands.

  26. Boo I’m kind of feeling bad about that chameleon.

  27. So far “burying your money in the tin” is winning big.

  28. Ringing in late on this one, but….Nunly, you aren’t alone. I LOVE fruitcake!! The ones you can get from Swiss Colony are fantastic. I slice and then toast them. My grandma used to make them every year, and soaked them in brandy. I miss her fruitcake.

  29. Hmm, maybe the old adage is right–“you are what you eat”??

  30. Oh God. My whole blog is inundated with fruitcakes.

  31. Maybe I should raffle the hockey puck off.

  32. DE was right Mary Ellen. You were the lady who knocked the pope down.

    No way! Did you see that lady jump those barricades? Can’t do that in a Habit…especially with a tummy full of fruitcake!

    My grandmother used to make homemade fruitcake, soaked in Rum…I mean it was SOAKED! Yum!

  33. Uppity- Maybe everyone should mail a fruitcake to Obama at the White House. A fruitcake for a fruitcake. Or would he consider it a weapon of mass destruction?

  34. Mail them all to the U.S. Senate.

  35. Nunly, are you sure it wasn’t the RUM that you liked, not the fruitcake?

  36. bert,
    Fruitcake is too good for them. A nicely wrapped box of dog shit is what they deserve.

  37. I think I remember eating fruitcake as a kid or maybe I was just fascinated by all the pretty colors. I don’t know.
    Though I was over someone’s house for Christmas and they had made what they called a “yum-yum” cake. It was sort of like a spice cake with cherries, raisins and walnuts thoughout the cake. It was yummy!

  38. imustprotest- Ok…I’ll admit, I liked the rum. My grandma also made some killer rum balls. Honestly, three of those things and the room would start spinning.

    I saw in the paper today that some zoo was selling jewelry made out of reindeer dung. That would be a nice gift for Meeshell.

  39. I love fruitcake as well. Running with you Nunly. Also love citron and those green and pink things. When I was small and lived in Holland we had this special raisin bread which had almond paste in the center of the loaf surrounded by raisins and all the candied fruit. Yum, yum. My family still makes this bread and sometimes fruitcake. I remember getting fruitcake from carolers during the Christmas holidays when I was young, after we came here. What a delicious treat! I’ll take your fruitcake, Uppity. But if you really want to get rid of it, donate it to a food bank. 🙂

  40. P.S. Forgot to mention – love Bill and his baby header. That Bill is just the best MK in the world – and so cute, just like the little tyke. Thanks FF for all the work you do to keep us entertained.

  41. I am obviously ill-matched with all of you. You like to eat bricks soaked in rum.

  42. Jay Leno took a bite out of a 130 year old fruitcake and ended up getting his late night show moved to prime time, so, there you go.

    http://www.foolishtimes.net/guest-articles/fruitcake-eaters/

  43. I don’t like fruitcake & can’t remember tasting one since I was a kid. I do like various types of cake with fruit in them though…coconut cake, pineapple cake, mango cake, yum. (cue imust with the p__ call)

  44. Hey my fruitcake could be 130 years old? Cripes if I eat it and end up screwed like Leno is, that wouldn’t be good.

  45. I mean why not just DRINK the damned brandy?

    There is one exception. We had this marvelous oxblood cherry tree. Each year my mother would watch that tree like a hawk for the Right Day. The Right Day was the peak of ripeness but before the birds recognized it too. Then we would scramble to pick those babies before the birds took them away. Believe me, time was short.

    SHe would then take those cherries and, sans the ones we were able to eat before she slapped our hands, she would bottle them in imported brandy. For three months. We were not allowed to open one of those jars for three months. There were no exceptions. When she broke one open, the aroma was beyond description. And so were the cherries.

    Hic.

  46. P.S. THe brandy from those bottles wasn’t too shabby either.

  47. …coconut cake…pineapple cake, mango cake…….CAKE? Whattabout PIE???

  48. Did someone mention PIE?🙂

  49. P………P……….P………..

  50. Well since you like pie so much you could slice it thinly lengthwise, then cut the slices diagonally and make a pie crust out of the fruitcake. (I have a recipe that uses pound cake this way for a crust). Anyway you could drizzle it with some kind of liquor, my recipe calls for Amaretto but the Grand Armagnac would work. Then put whatever kind of yummy filling in it you prefer.

    If your pie turns out to be delicious you could enter it in a recipe contest or sell your recipe online for other fruitcake recipients. Hey maybe you could write an entire book about uses for fruitcakes.

    For the record I am not a fruitcake lover. I’ve had it a few times and it never grew on me. My BIL however actually likes fruitcake, every year his Christmas list includes a bottle of scotch, a calendar and a fruit cake. Maybe he drinks the scotch before he eats the fruitcake?????

  51. Here’s what you do, Uppity. You go to the craft store and buy a clock kit and some really ugly clearance christmas trimmings. Then you turn the foul fruity thing into an even tackier christmas clock. This accomplishes two fabulous things…you take it out of circulation, and then you get the joy of regifting it next year to the very person who gave it to you.

  52. Something I find more annoying than fruitcake…….a Tetris cube! I bought one for each of my kids because they like brain teasers. My son solved his in just a couple of minutes and then helped his sisters solve theirs. Little somebody had some friends over to play this afternoon and they dumped all the pieces out on the coffee table and left them. Now I have a mixed up mess on my hands! I figured no big deal, I can figure them out and put them back together.

    EPIC FAIL! I need my son to come back sans the girlfriend and put these cubes back together for me, LOL! Oh well I’m tired perhaps I’ll try tomorrow after I’ve had my morning caffeine.

  53. WCA at 501 – you may be on to something there. Imagine the WH getting all the unwanted FC in America redirected there.

    Nunly at 626 – you are a brave soul with a fruitcake kind of cake appreciation.

    UW at 535 – the pastry portion can sometimes be good. As long as the cake part is not stale and does not contain any “fruit.” That colored stuff looks like a baking task in the use of food coloring and exotic flavors of another dimension. Rum or suitable liquor may be successful in partially masking the FC flavors.

  54. Poll did not include my “other” comment:

    Force-feed them to would-be muslim terrorists/airplane bombers and watch them choke! 👿

    Did you see where they are now forcing passengers to stay in their seats on the plane the last hr. of the trip? Hell, if you’ve had a beverage or two that’s about the time you want to go pee so you don’t have to worry about it when you get off the plane. Oh the agony!!

  55. UW at 1056 – ummmmmm. Cherries…peaked…in…brandy…..got any left?

  56. Fredster, one may consider carrying on a small cup or bag for those #1 emergencies where one is belted into their seat. Or there may be an awful lot of people walking out of the plane with their boackside all wet from not being able to hold it in. The plane crews may not be too happy having to clean up those wet seats after the passengers deplane. And the next boarding passengers may not be too happy getting a sopping “wet” seat for their journey.

  57. UW,

    This is an hilarious post. I especially churned over, ” I find the stuff so disgusting, I would be more apt to suck on it to extract the nectar, rather than bite into it.”

    Now that I’m thoroughly bilious, I suggest that you take your power saw, carve the likeness of moilsoc wearing a six-inch wide belt with spikes into the slab, call the Enquirer and tell them it was like that when you opened the tin, and claim it’s a miracle: Our Lady of the Glace.’ Auction it off while there are still obots left to buy it, and retire to FL.

  58. imust,

    I know you’re the champ atNfinding great stuff on the net, but with The Fruitcake Song, you have outdon yourself. Kudos.

  59. Maybe Fruitcakes cause Global Warning…..I’ll research that….chuckle….

  60. UW at 1056 – ummmmmm. Cherries…peaked…in…brandy…..got any left?

    Sadly no. The tree came with the house when it was sold. I still cannot find a cherry tree that produces what those cherries were. I can still taste them.

  61. I grew up 11 miles from a town that does nothing but produce Fruit Cakes. Its name is Claxton, Ga. Uppity, those people need their jobs so please don’t be so the mean about the cakes. There are many uses for them. I’m planning to keep mine for emergency food after a nuclear or terrorist attack. It takes forever for them to absorb rum so they should be resistant to radiation for quite some time.

  62. OMG, I haven’t laughed this much for ages! Fredster, you are too funny, and Nunly, the mental vision of you jumping over barricades in your habit is mind boggling, but hilarious (and I wouldn’t put it past your many abilities despite what you say). Uppity, you truly have the best, funniest village on the net, and that’s a tribute to you.
    GlennMc, that is an interesting theory, but I don’t know whether I could ever bring myself to eat it. Suicide seems strangely attractive as an alternative.

  63. Fruitcake? Urrgggg!

    I think I saw one being used as a corner stone on the Pyramid of Giza~

  64. Those fruitcake factories are a front. They just get old fruitcakes and repackage them in up-to-date boxes. The original fruitcake was found in the Ark of the Covenant and was sliced up by heretics. Those pieces have been moving around for millenium. If all the fruitcakes were to be assembled, the light from it would melt the faces of of Jackass’ White House.

  65. Those fruitcake factories are a front. They just get old fruitcakes and repackage them in up-to-date boxes. The original fruitcake was found in the Ark of the Covenant and was sliced up by heretics. Those pieces have been moving around for millenium.

    ROOOOOOOOOFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! I wish I had thought of that!

  66. GlennMc, that is an interesting theory, but I don’t know whether I could ever bring myself to eat it. Suicide seems strangely attractive as an alternative.

    AHAHAHAHAHA.

  67. Mary said:
    Now that I’m thoroughly bilious, I suggest that you take your power saw, carve the likeness of moilsoc wearing a six-inch wide belt with spikes into the slab, call the Enquirer and tell them it was like that when you opened the tin, and claim it’s a miracle: Our Lady of the Glace.’ Auction it off while there are still obots left to buy it, and retire to FL.
    ROFLMAO!!!! Brilliant! Brilliant!!

  68. Looks like Sen. Baucus may have had some of the good fruitcake, sans the fruitcake…

  69. Baucus is a corporate whore and horse’s ass. So now he’s a DRUNKEN corporate whore and horse’s ass.

  70. Whatever kind of garbage Baccus is, he’s also a US Senator who is clearly drunk on he floor of the Senate. If he showed up drunk for work in the private sector, even at McDonald’s, he’d be fired immediately and disqualified for unemployment benefits.

    Seems that obama has brought out the worst in his minions.

  71. Mary please check your mail.

  72. Wasn’t it baccus who recently got his latest girlfriend some big lawyering job from Obama?

  73. He nominated her for a position but she chose the one under him instead.

  74. Oh my…a fruitcake….

    Erm…huh. You could always mail it to Congress and see if they can figure out what to do with it (snicker…they’ll be staring at it until next Christmas!)

    Of course, it’ll probably be deemed a bomb threat and be detonated. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it.

    Hope you had a Merry Christmas, despite the fruitcake😛

  75. someone just sent me this and I thought of all of you!

    Belated Merry Christmas Fruitcakes, he he.

    Christmas Fruitcake Recipe:

    1 cup of water
    1 tsp baking soda
    1 cup of sugar
    1 tsp salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    lemon juice
    4 large eggs
    1 cup nuts
    2 cups of dried fruit
    1 bottle rum

    Sample the rum to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the rum again, to be sure it is of the highest quality—pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.
    At this point it’s best to make sure the rum is still ok, cry another tup just in case.

    Turn off the mixerer thingy.

    Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
    Mix on the turner.
    If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver..
    Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.

    Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares.
    Check the rum..
    Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
    Greash the oven.

    Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
    Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
    Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
    Go to bed.
    Who likes fruitcake anyway.

    Cherry Mistmas!

  76. MY Kinda fruitcake!

  77. Love a good ol christmas cake but dont like the look of the orange peel on that one UGH!

    My hubby will eat it I am sure if u need to regift he has the constitution of an ox lol.

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