Dear Tiger. Nobody cares. So STFU, we are sick of reading about you.

Poor Tiger. He wants to get back into the game of playing with his balls again.

He wants to be spokesman again for products we will boycott if he’s spokesman.

He had a press conference and nobody came. Well, let’s just say nobody from golfing came. The sports writers are less whorish than the MSM. They kind of resent being invited to a press conference where they can’t ask any questions. That would have made them props for Tiger who wants to get back to throwing his balls around.

So Tiger had a press conference and whined and carried on and told us all about how he’s a Buddist and other useless information that has nothing to do with the fact that he’s an adulterer who can’t keep his dick in his pants.

We even had to listen to him tell us how he is now in “Therapy”  for “Sex Addition”. In my day, we just called them pigs. Now they are addicts.

Tiger also wants everyone to know he’s sorry. Sorry he got caught.

Nobody gives a rat’s ass Tiger. Get lost. Go golf. Go ball everything that moves. Go do whatever the hell you want because you are nothing but dog shit and nobody cares about you any longer.

Tell it to the family in this photo, Tiger. They are stuck with your shame.The rest of us are sick of hearing about your dick.

You had it made. You blew it. Tough Shit. Now you’re a walking parody.

So STFU already, will ya?

107 Responses

  1. I want his dog! Clearly the poor thing should not be forced to live with such a piece of crap!
    So did Obama learn from Tiger or vice versa??? “Listen to me- no questions allowed! It’s all about me!!!!”

  2. Don’t hold back, Uppity, tell us how you really feel about Tiger.😉

    I’m with you…sick of hearing about him. I hope he gets his life together, I really do, but for goodness sakes, the last thing I want to hear about is his sex addiction. Why can’t he just do crack like the rest of his friends?

  3. PMM – I want the border collie to keep mine company! Can we discuss dual custody?

    I can tell you this – that border collie is smarter than Tiger. Much smarter.

  4. and remember every one…..

    Tell the Lamestream Media to SHUT UP TOO!

  5. ROFL Nunly!
    I agree though- I really don’t care about this guy- I didn’t care before, not a golf fan, and I do not care now.
    Go away Tiger- your hot air is contributing to Al’s problem!

  6. Delphyne- I too love the border collie- and have one here that needs a friend- I share nice! As long as I get the dog during woodchuck season. That other blond thing I don’t think is really a dog-

  7. PMM: Good point. Neither could probably get a word in edgewise.

    However, in what turned out to be very poor timing for BO, the January 2010 issue of Golf Digest had the two of them pictured on the cover, and I was able to pick up several copies as investments. Inside each ‘AA/2 male celeb’ had 10 points of advice for the other ( the lists were written not by the two cover icons, but by various others). There seemed to be satire, or criticism in some of the points.

  8. Pamela- are you sure it was golf Digest and not Liars Weekly?

  9. I see Obama is out in Nevada- now trying to bribe the voters out there- gonna give them some relief from falling property prices –

    Oops- nope- not giving it to taxpayers- giving it to the banks- AGAIN!

  10. Well Mom, we can kiss Harry Reid good-bye then!

  11. the problem is the male body it has enough blood to only fill one important thing at a time

  12. Yeah,

    He is a victim right? It’s a good thing he only plays golf, if the man was in poltics, given his lack of self control, he’d be trying to control us.

  13. It’s way past Tiger Time. These companies that endorse this guy need to give it up. No one cares.

  14. When lakerwade worked at the Tiger/PGA tournament at Lake Sherwood a couple of months ago, he spent his breaks hanging out at the media tent to score autographs for himself and the other young volunteers he was working with; but while he was there, he heard a lot of the media guys and other golfers trash Tiger. They’re as sick of him and his crap as we are. The arrogance, conceit, bad sportsmanship, temper tantrums, etc, I think most people in golf just want him to go away.

  15. The real story here is why the MSM keep pushing this guy on us, when we obviously don’t care. He was the lead story on both GMA and The Today Show, on Wednesday. They actually believed that Tiger announcing he was going to have a press conference was the top story! Then they cover his press conference today. Guess he is going to be on 20/20 tonight. What in the hell is wrong with these people?

  16. I guess the MSM thought it would be a distraction from The Kenyan’s poll numbers…

  17. I think it’s worse than that. I think they believe this is really important stuff.

  18. But Uppity… you just don’t understand. The culture the pig came from… made him do it.

    Sorta like how Michael Vick’s upbringing made him drown, hang and electrocute dogs.

    Have pity on the poor men. They have no inner compass about what is right or wrong.

    *Cultural Relativism* and all that shit….

  19. Nunly, you are a better person than I am. I DON’T CARE if he gets his life together. This country has more important things to deal with than Tiger’s ego. That entire speech he made was so phony and rehearsed I was laughing my ass off. Even his pauses were staged. He controlled the whole thing and it showed. Tiger Woods is probably the greatest golfer who ever lived. As a man of character he’s a bust. Maybe he should run for office. All the boyz with erection problems will vote for him.

  20. Dear Harry,
    K THX BAI.

  21. SYD- I see from your blog that the rush is on to fill that blogging job at the White House- LMAO!

  22. This reminds me of the screaming headlines “Michael Jordan Returning to Basketball!”

    Israel was at war, we were reeling from the Bush election, we were seeing Cheney every day on tee vee – and Michael Jordan was IT IT IT!

    Until about 8:48 am that same day. September 11.

  23. Hey! I’ll blog for them! I’ll fix em up really good.

  24. Well, UW- the wimminz were not exactly a large proportion of the guests at yesterday’s meet of the blogger boyz!

    Check out SYD’s post-

    And I can see you fixing them up- make em give up cheetos and clean their rooms in mommy’s basement!

  25. And watch that kitty in the header- looks just like mine when they get caught!

  26. Anthony,said: “I guess the MSM thought it would be a distraction from The Kenyan’s poll numbers”

    Two minds with but a single thought. The LSM is bozo’s distraction machine, a subcategory of unpaid PR firms.

  27. Yean Mom, and it looks like they all showered too! I wonder if going out into the daylight was painful for them? Did they serve cheetos and coke so they would feel at home?

  28. Pepsi, not Coke

    coke is for Barky

  29. Addiction?

    Very lame excuse.

  30. I want to see Uppity at that WH table!

  31. SYD- if they saw Uppity coming they would all run to the basement bunker! She would make them sit down, shut up and WORK!

  32. Poor Tiger. Does not know any other way to try to redeem himself.

    Not working.

  33. PMM, UW just might make them quiver and clam up, pay attention, and follow her orders.

  34. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7259636/Swiss-prostitutes-trained-to-use-defibrillators-in-brothels-to-prevent-clients-dying.html

    How long before this goes into the health care bill in Washington?. Our taxes will probably pay for it under the guise of job training.

    WOMEN WITH INTELLIGENCE AND EXPERIENCE,MEN WHO SUPPORT THEM AND COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY ALWAYS

    PUMAS,BUBBAS,EQUALISTS AND THOSE PEOPLE RULE

  35. helen- given that the bill is over 2000 pages long chances are ACORN has it covered in there

  36. I need a bullhorn here!
    Hello? Hello? ANYBODY in charge of aviation in this country???? From UW’s sidebar-
    Pilot Makes Unauthorized Landing at Los Angeles Airport
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703787304575075801875973276.html?mod=rss_US_News

  37. OMG helen. ROFL!

  38. The defibs in the brothels reminds me of that Goldie Hawn movie, Private Benjamin.

    What were his last words?

  39. SYD, Uppity would have to wear a burkha if she sat “at the WH table.” Else we’d all get a goo at her, and she’s determined not to reveal herself, open her kimino, etc. etc.

  40. Anthony: “The Kenyan” is a beautiful touch.

  41. Uppity-

    Nunly, you are a better person than I am. I DON’T CARE if he gets his life together.

    I have about 38 more days of Lent left before I can be back to my old bitchy self again, I promise not to disappoint. 😉

  42. But, UW, we already have a Tiger-type character in the WH, and he’s “a bust.” There is a difference though: as you say, Tiger’s “probably the greatest golfer who ever lived”; BO is the greatest loafer who ever lived.

  43. Uppity – wanted to say thank you again for the sole recipe! it was superb! Recipes like that make me miss the mandatory fish every Friday!!!!

  44. A most excellent rant Uppity!! This is why we LOVE this blog!!!

  45. Well said, imust!
    Loved the Tiger rant.

  46. PMM ate a shoe and thanks UW for the recipe’? That’s a first.

  47. Ten bucks says Barky goes 0-8 with his attempt to save Reid. They’ll be paying him to stay away.

  48. Tiger who?

  49. …..Oh right, Barky’s goofing around instructor.

  50. Hal- ROFLMAO- but then again we might need some “shoe” recipes at the rate oilsoc is bankrupting this country!

  51. Hal you are on a roll! 0-8! We can only pray! I though I heard somewhere that some pol maybe in Co asked oilsoc to stay away? Was I dreaming that?

  52. Didn’t Charlie Chaplin eat a shoe in one of his old movies?

  53. I watched his so called apology. He read it off a paper! I thought apologies were supposed to come from the heart. Hes just like barky.

  54. This revolting spectacle is all over the news and they’re all featuring his mother who told him how proud she is of him after his brilliant public apology. Gag.

  55. Nah, Laker….Barky reads from TOTUS.

  56. Oh yeah, Socal….”only a mother could love it/him.”
    Now, just wait for Leno to joke about that.

  57. I’m reminded of Dan Ackroyd’s Joe Friday quote from the Dragnet remake in 1987:

    “There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we’re capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don’t drag me down into your private hell.”

    Nuf said.

  58. Hal, I hope leno skewers him. That’s the only thing I want to hear about him is funny jokes. I do love Uppity’s title for this post.

  59. “I was raised a Buddhist and forgot my teachings.”
    (And other little things like marriage vows, kids, friends and and, oh hell I I I I threw it all awayyyyyyyy. Sniffle.”)

    Veddy good, dickhead. NOW you want “balance?”

    plpllbpltplbt!!!!!!

  60. I didn’t think there was forgiveness or redemption required in Buddhism. I may be wrong, but if not, what does he care?

  61. Hahaha. I know, he was so insincere. Laker told me he kept looking down at his notes as he spoke. What a ridiculous spectacle. And mom is so proud!

  62. How pathetic, he had to have his mommy there…….the man has “issues” fer sure!!

  63. I believe we are back in a wasteland. PhoxNews is kissing Meanchell’s Ass. Tea Partiers are totally NeoCon now.

    I need to move to Greenland.

  64. But, FF, Greenland is about to be hit by the BIG ONE!!
    Why not? They had a small earthquake in Wisconsin recently.

  65. The Big One Hal, would be better than the crap we are having to deal with now. At least I would have a tangible warning of the collapse.

  66. Hal – the had two pretty big ones in Alaska, and one in Uppity’s hood too, tho it was small.

  67. OMG! Judith Miller on a tape of Obama endorsing ACORN. Obama says “When I was a United States Senator…I was there with ACORN”

    Paraphrase.

    Then Miller say “How old is that tape??”

    Hey Judy, if he is saying “When I was a United States Senator” chances are, it aint that old…

  68. “…..I was there with ACORN”

    HA! More likely he meant, “I GOT there with ACORN.”

  69. …all those dead voters, you know.

  70. {{{screaming}}} its on again!?!? laker is right, he keeps looking down at notes, and his speech is very stiff. Ick.

  71. Getfitnow at 9:17. LMAO! Uppity, you should add that Joe Friday quote to the end of your post.

  72. and one in Uppity’s hood too, tho it was small.

    Dang. And I just thought I was having great sex.

  73. Yes Socal. From this day forward, as punishment for EVERYTHING you EVER did in your childhood, you will be forced to listen to Tiger’s speech in an endless loop. For eternity.

  74. Couldn’t resist delurking yet again, but I just couldn’t resist. I don’t know how many of you were around in ’69-70, however, everything that is happening in the MSM reminded me of a book that was published then – “Naked Came the Stranger” – a literary hoax which was written to illustrate the banality of literature and reportage that was then current (and Walter Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley were still active then). When the book made bundles of money, the authors (multiple respected journalists) owned up to the hoax and the reasons behind it. Today’s news headlines remind me of that hoax, the difference being today, it’s not a hoax, it’s the state of “news” reportage. There is no journalism today – it’s all become “tabloidism”. I don’t give a good gosh darn about Tiger one way or another. He trained for one purpose only – not for love of game but to become the best and make money, and unfortunately, that is what passes for sport today. Money, money, money. That is why he is doing the press conference for redemption – cause his endorsements have dried up. Begs the question – how much money is enough? IMHO, if he was not a narcissist, he wouldn’t be in this position. Finding himself caught out, if he had any respect for his family and those who love him, he’d quietly retire and let the furor die down, so they could get on with their lives, out of the media frenzy. And really, dragging your mother into this? I question her judgement allowing herself to be brought into this. However much I adore my kids, if they screw up, it’s up to them to fix it.

  75. Uppity, yes, that would be hell.

    HT, great comment!

  76. I don’t think he’s actually a narcissist. barack is a narcissist. The guy who flew into the IRS building was a narcissist. I just think power went to his head and he thought he had the privilege to do things and behave in ways regular people wouldn’t do. I think he just got smitten by his own importance and became conceited and self-impressed. He forgot to think about how, in the end, all he is is another sports guy, like many before him and many who will come after him. I think he misunderstood how important he is in the grand scheme of life. Conceit does that to you. He also forgot that old rule of what goes up must come down (no pun intended). Now he is finding that he is not so important and it’s killing him, but mostly it’s killing him because of the millions he lost and will lose. nobody is going to give him endorsement work so he can just get that right out of his head.

    Furthermore, if he had been sincere, he would have been apologiizing sometime in december, not now. You are right. This is all about money to him. I do hope he invested well and saved because I don’t think Tiger is going to be very famous any longer.

  77. This may be an unpopular opinion, but this is not about Tiger’s sexual stupidity. socalannie has a point about Tiger’s arrogance. He’s gone from being a great golfer to just a really good golfer. His whole business is endorsements and the golfing world is forced to live by the whim of Tiger Woods.

    Look at John Daly. He’s a sleaze, but he doesn’t have a big head. He also knows that he’s got problems. I would have had more respect for Tiger if he said he loves to golf and screw waitresses and he’s going to keep doing what he loves. This apology is purely for those endorsement checks.

  78. I also think that if he does return to golfing, this will affect his game. He will have to be out there under different circumstances, no longer worshipped. That will dampen his game. I would bet money on it.

  79. Hey, womanizing is all part of the perks of being a sports hero.

    Lago leaves Vancouver early after risque pictures show up on Web

    http://www.wcsh6.com/news/breaking/story.aspx?storyid=114657&catid=112

  80. My cat is making me insane. And the dog is talking.

    help

  81. Swell – I read they handed out 40,000 condoms or something like that at the olympics – for athletes and their entourage

  82. FF – My cat won’t stay out of my teenager’s valentines roses. She fancies the baby’s breath. Great knashing of teeth at my house, too.

  83. Um I just saw lago’s pic at TMZ. No wonder he left. he’s getting a B job from a fan.

    Just scroogle “lago tmz”

  84. Swell – Tippy (MKB’s twin) has a catnip high on right now. It’s slightly raining outside so he came to the window next to my head and pawed. I let him in. He sat in his cat bed, ran for the door and yelled until I got back up and let him out. Then he did it again. Now he is “exploring”…

    Angel is on her mat groaning at me, and the cat.

    like we’re bothering her.

  85. Hell Scottie was completely naked and became a senator. At least lago had his clothes on.

  86. Where in heaven’s name did she get cat nip? Very disruptive.

  87. Baby’s breath is toxic to cats.

  88. get that stuff away from the cat.
    http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/poison-control/plants/babys-breath.html

  89. Too Late!

  90. Swell! ROFL!

    OMG

    OT but there have been about 10 EQ’s in the same spot in LA in the last 15 minutes.

    What a trip that must be!
    http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsus/Maps/US2/33.35.-118.-116.php

    I’m off to bed

  91. Look at John Daly. He’s a sleaze, but he doesn’t have a big head.
    *********
    Just a good ‘ol boy from AR. Whiskey and women. Too bad, really, a lot of talent undone by booze.

  92. A little reading and you see another reason Lago hightailed it back home….someone told his girlfriend ON THE INTERNET. Heh….got splaining to do, Scott!

  93. They always bring their Mommies! It drives me nuts. I remember Chris Brown in his little bow tie, sitting next to his mother and saying how sorry he was.

  94. FF, just saw your post about the recent earthquakes in CA. Looks like it started with a 3.0 and then several smaller quakes right after that, do you think they were aftershocks to the 3.0? All around the Redlands area, not far north of Palm Springs. There’s been a lot of activity in that area in recent weeks.

  95. Swell, you’re hilarious!!! 🙂

  96. Great rant, Uppity. Love the new header, FF. All the comments are fun and many are so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while. Anthony, love “the Kenyan” comment.

  97. This revolting spectacle is all over the news and they’re all featuring his mother who told him how proud she is of him after his brilliant public apology.

    Any sensible mother would be hiding with a son who thinks hes king dong…

  98. Too Late!

    OMG !!!

  99. opps sorry that was to Swell528

  100. Yea, I thought Tiger’s “apology” seemed overly rehearsed. You could tell he had been told when to look mournfully straight into the camera. And, to me, for that apology to have been sincere and complete, all those women he had sex with should have been in that room as well, and he should have called them by name and told them he was sorry for using them to feed his “addiction”. The media mostly treats those women as if they aren’t even people who matter.

  101. Uppity, you said of the golfing media “They kind of resent being invited to a press conference where they can’t ask any questions.”

    That’s the understatement of the day. They kissed his ass for years, tailoring their coverage of the entire sport around him. His refusal to answer questions was a slap in the face of people who had done nothing but kowtow to him. I think they’ve gone beyond resentment and straight to pissed as hell.

    There’s a certain argument to be made for “It serves them right”….

  102. creeper, your comment is spot on.

  103. Tiger, please go join Jon Gosselin, Steve Philips and all the other cheating Narcissist Morons hiding behind “sex addiction rehab.” We all know you’re going to go back to preying on vulnerable women and then allowing your media hacks to call them skanks & bimbos as soon as you can. Boo-friggin’ hoo.. get over yourself.

    How to Not Apologize When You’ve Seriously F-d Up
    (a good read just for you Tiger, baby)

    excerpts:
    Make sure the “confession”, er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident. It’s just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let’s face it, you’re not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution – you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of “bravery” in coming forward. If it’s absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?

    “Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for “mistakes in judgement”. They smile through their oily apologies when their crime calls for quakes of repentance. They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling…. We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is more than a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly [deliberately], an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with.”
    — Lewis B. Smedes, “Forgive and Forget”

    Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don’t have to own up to, or deal with any specifics. This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity.

    And God knows, real acknowledgment and acceptance of responsibility is not what you were after…

    Try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology. Use worn-out lines like “It may not mean much to you now…”. Thank the person for their past “support” of you in your (largely self-inflicted) trials and tribulations as a not-so-subtle reminder of how “rough” things have been for you. You can also use this as a way to look magnanimous and introspective while avoiding taking any real action.

    Whine about how you are finally working on your “issues” (never mind that you have been saying the same thing for years), as if that is supposed to mean something real. Avoid any discussion about what you are doing *specifically* to work on those issues. After all, (despite your previous litany of lies) the person you are apologizing to should trust that you really mean what you say this time, right? Talk about how you are finally accepting responsibility for the consequences of your behavior, and then avoid making any effort to talk to the other person face to face. Talk about how you miss the fun you had with the other person (carefully avoiding any mention of the fun you had at that person’s expense at the same time). See if there is still a chain left to be yanked. Remember, this is all about assuaging your conscience and repairing your damaged image – not about doing real work or genuine caring for the other person, but nobody else needs to know that. With a little careful manipulation, you can use this apology to get sympathy and attention from other people as well.

    …It is equally important that you avoid replying to any questions they might ask about specifics. Remember, this isn’t really about making amends, it’s about making yourself feel better.

    Expect instant redemption and forgiveness. Remember, no matter what you have done, a few words are supposed to magically wipe away all the pain of the past with no further work required by you. Now that you have made a token gesture, the other person should just “forgive and forget” so that you find it easier to sleep at night.

    Get upset when your trite “olive branch” isn’t received with warmth and acceptance. Go whining to whomever will listen, about how you made all this *EFFORT*, and how *HARD* it was for you to take that step (what with all your issues, and all), and how it was REJECTED because that awful person actually expected you to DO SOMETHING REAL. After all, you have ISSUES and such, and that means you should be exempted from behaving in a manner congruent to your words, and everyone should coddle you and praise even the smallest effort on your part.

    Take no further action. Use pat phrases like, “I’m doing my best to take responsibility for the consequences of my behaviour”, but don’t actually DO anything beyond sending the email. It plays well, and you can always use that “doing my best” as your cop-out when you don’t actually follow-through – it wasn’t a REAL commitment to change, it was a “best-effort”…

    I can’t stress enough how important it is that you don’t reply to any questions the other person might have… especially ones that ask “what specifically do you acknowledge was inappropriate?” and “what specifically you are doing to take responsibility?”. After all, you don’t owe them any explanation. Like I said, this isn’t about doing anything for *them*, it’s all about YOU.

    …After all, once you’ve made your apology, you can wash your hands of the whole messy affair and wipe your conscience clean without having to dirty yourself with uncomfortable things like integrity, sincerity or action.

    How about this woman Tiger? or is it easier to have your PR people call her a gold-digging skank after you LIED to her?

    http://video.foxnews.com/v/4025253/alleged-tiger-mistress-wants-apology/?loomia_ow=t0:s0:a16:g4:r4:c0.000000:b30929802:z6

    Tiger… go away… give your wife a nice settlement and cut her loose from your sick nonsense. We’re all tired of you.

  104. btw Uppity – Tiger fits the clinical description of Destructive Narcissist Pattern. I coach enough victims of these guys to see he’s got it – completely.

  105. Barbara, Narcissists never admit they were wrong. It’s always somebody else’s fault. He took blame on national TV, Then again it was only for the endorsements.

  106. Whoa. I just read your longer post Barbara. Okay I concede.

  107. Barbara, I am not sure what happened with your last post, but it landed in spam because it is THOUSANDS of words long, including everything on both sidebars of the front page of this blog…blog roll…………..etc etc. It also included every comment in this post as well as the entire post. Something went horribly wrong with your comment. I can’t release it without blowing up this blog.

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