Atheists promise to care for pets after the next scheduled Rapture

I covered the last scheduled Rapture on September 21, in my piece entitled  Have a Happy Rapture Day

That Rapture fell through though. Cripes, I wrote the thing in a hurry too. I mean there have only been a couple of hundred Rapture dates and I figured that, with all the fanfare, that one was going to be The Big One.

Anyways, as all the Right Wing Religious Crackpots gear up for yet ANOTHER Rapture date,  this time they can be swooped up in the twinking of any eye knowing   that their beloved pets will be well cared for after they are yanked right out of their shoes.

Now a group of atheists in the US have come up with a tongue-in-cheek solution, offering to take in the cats and dogs of “saved” believers in return for a small fee.

All the atheists signed up by Eternal Earth-Bound Pets are self-confessed sinners and blasphemers, guaranteeing they will be left behind when the chosen are selected.

Sounds like a plan. I mean, bogus ministers have been cashing in on Raptures for as long as I can remember. How about that guy who wrote the Late Great Planet Earth? I mean he told everybody the end of the world was coming then. When his dates turned out to be so much crappola (geeze, whadda surprise), he still had a following. I think he even set more dates, all of which have come and gone.

….. Which brings us to the question, How many false prophecies does it take to make a false profit profit? Apparently, to the evangelical community, this is not such a big deal.

So if make-believe prophets can cash in on Raptures, why not athiests?

I guess this post means when the next scheduled Rapture comes, I will just be able to continue on loving my pets right here on earth. Obviously I will be Left Behind too. But that’s okay. I prefer the company of my pets to some of the religious crackpots I have had to endure in my lifetime. So, I suspect, does God.

Now I just have to figure out how to co-exist with the atheists’ Religion Replacement: Reverend Al Gore’s Church of Global Warming.


56 Responses

  1. Hey-maybe the atheists just figured out a way to cash in on stimulus and jobs!

  2. True that PMM. They could call it a JOBS bill from God…..except they don’t believe in God…hmm….if a tree falls in the forest…no that’s not right..aww….it’s too early for all this deep thinking, imusthavemorecaffeine.

  3. So I will probably be back in bed and will get to watch the comedy on health care this morning- who had the popcorn concession for this one?

  4. OT- but please tell me it’s the drugs- and I LOVE how they use the word “PLOT”
    Exclusive: White House privately plots 2012 campaign run

    Read more:

  5. ROFL!! You’re right PMM….interesting choice of words, “Plots”. The last sentence in your link made me spit out my caffeinated beverage…

    The themes for Obama’s campaign are not yet chosen, but a top adviser said not to expect a radical surprise: “He knows who he is.”

    Read more:

  6. So it’s not the drugs? Kool-aid concession will be opening again?

  7. @PMM, did the kool-aid ever stop flowing?? I think Meeeshoe has her servants water her “Victory Garden” with kool-aid. Oh, speaking of concessions, to answer your question, Uppity Woman has dibs on the popcorn concession. Enjoy the show. Sadly, I’ll be at work earning my Obama-bucks. 😦

  8. ROFL0 enjoy the show! Should I double up on my drugs so I don’t shoot the Tee-Vee?

  9. Since they can not take their earthly possessions with them can I have some of the mansions and expensive cars that preachers leave behind when they go? I understand they are tax free. I am willing to give the pet caretakers a good home to raise the pets .



  10. helenk… mean they really CAN’T take it with them???

  11. imustprotest
    No they can not take material possessions with them. The sonic boom when they are traveling destroys the possessions. Then if the particles fall to earth it could cause oceans to rise and holes in the ground.



  12. As local meteorologists predict a Snow-icane, the Reverend Al Gore’s and his Church of Global Warming come to mind. Hope Rev. Al is aware of this new weather phenomenon.

  13. Pamela, Al is not available to answer you. lol.

  14. Hey Mom, good to see you in good spirits.

  15. Speaking of the church of global warming and the end days, I harvested onions, beets, and potatoes yesterday. In Feb! It’s not all that strange, the elders around here have managed to grow winter crops and hold things over, but it requires a lot of work and planning. This year we’ve had such mild weather it just happened by itself. Alas, the rest of the country is getting is getting all the winter.

  16. While it’s true that many so-called “ministers of the gospel” have set dates for the rapture that have come and gone, it still doesn’t negate the fact that there will be one. God is loving and patient with people but He is also just. Those who reject Jesus, the only hope of salvation, will not be left here to play with puppies. They will be in the midst of such horrendous calamities that they will wail and gnash teeth, wanting to die to escape it all. It will not be a party-hardy period of time.

    Date-setters only have to be wrong once to be considered false prophets. God doesn’t give second chances on that. No one is to set a date based on the Word of God which states that no man will know the day nor the hour of His return. However, Jesus did say that we would know the “season”(or the time-period) surrounding the time of the end. It is believed that that started with the “birth” of Israel as a Nation, according to Jesus’ parable of the Olive Tree. Point is, people can know if they want to but most don’t. Once a person knows a thing, they are responsible for having that knowledge and what they do with it. As for me, I choose to believe Jesus and not trust in the words of mankind.

  17. Ok Lonnie. I’ll take care of your pets.

  18. Well. I already have a pet rescue. So this could be a natural extension.


    Thanks for the tip.

  19. I think the end times are here. I just read that the Dalai Llama has finally become a Twitterer.

  20. UW, you piqued my curiosity regarding Rev. Al, so I Scroogled him only to find this:

    What do a trucker, an Israeli entrepreneur, Al Gore and Richard Branson all have in common? Proof that the real goldmines are old, neglected industries.

    The name of that proof is GreenRoad. While so many entrepreneurs bang their heads against a Web and social media advertising brick wall, GreenRoad has applied common technology to an industry technology has largely passed by and—voila—they’ve got a business that’s growing and saving lives, money and the environment.

    techcrunch com/2010/02/22/al-gore-joins-richard-branson-in-backing-greenroad/

    As surely as the US can thank Tom Ridge for that security color system we all plan everything important by, we can now thank Al and partners for a color system which rates driving. Hint: if you drive ‘green’, you help the planet too……

  21. That Rapture fell through though. Cripes,
    The fascinating thing is that tens of millions of people believe that stuff. I think that he human brain must be hard wired for magical thinking….The Rapture, UFOs, Obama “the One”, etc.

  22. The best take I ever saw on Ridge’s color code system was listing the various levels for the UK. There were several variations going around but in general boiled down to “have a nice cup of tea” not matter what had occurred (or was expected to occur) up to the most serious threat being that you should still have “a nice cup of tea” with the caveat that Earl Grey was the only tea available.

    I have always bought efficient cars. I am old enough to remember my father and brothers having to wait in line for gas on the appropriate day (even/odd license plates). Thank you Mr. Carter.

    But this whole “green” car crap makes me want to go out and buy a Hummer just to aggravate these losers. I recall when the Pirus was first really being hailed as the best thing since sliced bread that several of the reviewers mentioned (as an after thought) that this over priced piece of metal and plastic was, for all intents and purposes, nothing more than a Toyota Echo with an expensive (and very very very non- green) battery. In other words, if you were not interested in showing off your green – you might as well save some green of a different sort and just buy the Echo.

  23. But this whole “green” car crap makes me want to go out and buy a Hummer just to aggravate these losers.
    It is interesting to watch how the propaganda is worded. Climate change has to be very bad but not so bad that if you jump on the the “Green bandwagon” right now and buy into the Obama corporate scams, the world will be saved.

    This is just a variation on HCR. There is an access problem for health care but if we give another $960 billion in tax dollars to the insurance Industry, we will be “saved”.

  24. “There were several variations going around but in general boiled down to “have a nice cup of tea” not matter what had occurred (or was expected to occur) up to the most serious threat”

    Years ago in the Fallout Shelter Era of the Cold War, my godmother always said if the Russians launched a nuke, she would simply make a cup of coffee and go sit in the back yard.

    Seems the sensible thing to do.

  25. And, from The Onion, Sarah Palin opens the 6th seal.

    I’ll be rescuing pets in NJ as I will most definitely be left behind – to party hearty, lonni.

  26. LOL Mt.Laurel. My fave take on the color code is an old Non Sequitur comic strip that I still have sitting here on my desk. It shows a man sitting on his stoop studying an Alert Level Color Chart, his wife has a phone. Coming towards them is a fleet of UFO’s landing and goofy one eyed aliens. He’s saying to her: “Tell Homeland Security that the closest I can come is fuchsia…”

    To even see the color fuchsia cracks me up to this day, thinking of the comic.

    And, I worship the Goddess. I was made in Her image. ‘Nuff said.

  27. Delphyne, do you think we misunderstood the number 144,000 as the number of those who would be rescued in The Rapture?

    Perhaps the Biblical Scholars were wrong.

    Perhaps it was meant to read 1. 44. OOO

    Interpreted for current linguists, that would spell out

    “One. Number 44. Obama, Obama, Obama.”

    If this is the case, we can be comforted in two things:

    That in fact, he is “The Chosen ONE”

    and 2.) we will be rid of him.

  28. Yes, yes, Freedomfairy! You have unlocked the riddle – oh, poor, poor believers! Will they ever recover from the shock?

  29. uppity,
    Your response to Lonni made me squirt my coffee through my nose.
    Now I have this HUGE mess to clean up on my keyboard!


  30. i can take care of some pets

  31. Can anyone tell me WHY, when the country is falling apart, all the News Orgs are covering wall-to-wall Toyota hearings?

    It’s not that they are not important, but if FIVE MINUTES OF THIS EFFORT had been put into vetting Barack Obama, we may not be in the mess we are.


    Meanwhile, Nancy is in the House pushing through Obama’s Health Bill

  32. Dear Leslie. You don’t know squirts from nose until you do it with Cranberry juice, let me tell you.

  33. omg cranberry juice thats gotta hurt

  34. It’s a given that I’ll be left behind – an atheist for over 40 years. Uppity, not all atheists subscribe to the Church of Al Gore – and seeing as he’s a good Baptist, won’t he and his family be raptured as well?

    FF – agree about the overly hysterical coverage of Toyota hearings – all I can think of is the chi-ching of the cash register as class action lawyers gear up, and the potential of Toyota withdrawing their manufacturing capacity from the U.S. as a result – wonder how many jobs are involved:
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing Alabama, Huntsville, Alabama – V6 and V8 Engines.
    TABC, Inc., Long Beach, California – Catalytic Converters, Sheet Metal Stampings, Front End Assemblies.
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing Kentucky, Georgetown, Kentucky – Camry, Avalon, Solara convertible, and Venza as well as the AR and GR engines.
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing Indiana, Princeton, Indiana – Sequoia, Sienna, and Highlander
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing Texas, San Antonio, Texas – Tundra
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing West Virginia, Buffalo, West Virginia – ZZ, MZ, and GR engines; automatic transaxles
    Toyota Motor Manufacturing Mississippi, Tupelo, Mississippi – Prius Hybrid This facility is being built production starts 2010/2011. The facility or company is named “Toyota Motor Manufacturing, Mississippi, Inc.”[3]

  35. I am gonna let this new rapture simply pass me by!

    President Barack Obama’s “summit” Thursday is officially billed as a meeting of the minds with congressional Republicans — but, in truth, Republicans are the least of his concerns.

  36. You’re right HT. I apologize. I should have called it the Regressive’s religion.

  37. Yes Foxy, cranberry juice is very painful. Let’s just say you will spend a fair amount of time blowing your nose. I won’t even get into the jolt to your sinuses.


    I know you will say this is one reason cats are smarter then dogs.
    Also one reason pets can not go with owners when flying up to rapture.



  39. I felt that this song was right for this post.



  40. helenk, that link made me smile.
    Uppity, perhaps the animals, atheist, agnostics, pagans, wiccans, normally religious et all won’t be included in the rapture precisely because they don’t hate. They just get disappointed., pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. Perhaps the rapture is not the heaven the rapturists believe it to be? Perhaps it’s all a plot to…..oh no, I’m starting to sound like an astral conspirasist!

  41. It’s a given that I’ll be left behind – an atheist for over 40 years.
    I can’t wait for the Rapture…the world will be a much better place without all of the fundie wackos of any religion. Children will especially benefit.

    “The leader of a religious cult was “outraged” when a 1-year-old boy did not say “Amen” before a meal and ordered her followers to deprive him of food and water until he died, a Baltimore prosecutor told jurors Monday.”


    “Virginia: Southern Baptist pastor guilty of aggravated sexual battery of children”

  42. Oh, yeah. Beating and raping children and you are going to be one of the 144,000? Tell you what, why don’t we just take your children and pets now, you freaking wackjobs!

  43. HT
    I am glad I could make you smile. laughter helps people get through most anything.
    Frankly I do not want to be with the judgmental hypocrites who think they are the only ones that God likes. I remember an old joke about people from different religions getting to heaven and being shocked that they were not the only ones there.



  44. Thank you, Uppity, but I own no pets. 🙂

  45. UW Dearest, your response to Lonnie at 9:46 am is the quintessence of why we all love you so. Thanks for existing.

  46. SHV, ditto, I am gleefully anticipating the rapture. Strange how such a demographically insignificant number of people manage to make the world a very ugly place – witness what is happening in Uganda. Even though I am an atheist, I find myself hoping there really is a rapture, and these haters/control freaks truly do leave in a cloud of whatever, and leave the rest of us alone to live a decent life without fear.

  47. Lonnie, you have to love our UW’s sharp-as-a-tack wit and her impeccable sense of comedic timing. And, judging from your sporting response, you do indeed. Welcome on-board!

  48. I think there already are sanctuaries of a sort that you can buy insurance for your pets to go to if you die.

    Death. Rapture. What’s the difference?

    Unless, of course, the sanctuaries are planning to ascend. In which case, you will need a second level of insurance….

    No worries tho. I can provide both!

  49. Dear NES. Thank you thank you thank you. I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!

  50. Aww…cute! Bill’s back in the header with his boy!

  51. And you’re still a cute pink-suited eskimo, imust.

    UW, the veal’s terrific. Got some chianti and fava beans?

  52. If it’s all the same, I volunteer to stay here and take care of thr animals. I believe UW, SYD, HT, and more will be joining me.

    And when out time comes, let us remember what we were told here last week: kittehs are the real keepers of the Purrly Gates.

  53. Why do people always say Climate Change is the religion of atheists? I keep hearing people make that association, and I don’t understand where it’s coming from. I’m an agnostic, and I never got that memo…..

  54. Why do people always say Climate Change is the religion of atheists?
    Interesting question….I think it has to do with fundie wackoism that it’s not in the Bible so it can’t happen. IIRC, Sen. Inhofe of OK, who is the ranking R member on the Senate committee that deal with this issue, basically said that there will be no climate change because God won’t permit to happen.

    From my limited reading, the concept of global warming is very threatening to Young Earth Creationists.

  55. The thing about it being the religion of non religious people has to do with the almost hysterically funny way they treat global warming with the same zealotry that fundies treat God. The concept here is that people who don’t have a religion, who don’t believe in a higher being still need something to be obscenely zealous about, so they have chosen climate change. I think using hte word atheist was probably wrong on my part, as I know a number of atheists who believe global warming is bullshit. What I was trying to portray is the fact that the AGW people are just as annoying, just as obsessed, just as fearful, just as “doom and gloom” and just as crackpot as any religious fundie I have met. AGW is their religous fix, and their God substitute.

Comments are closed.