Move over grilled cheese and Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster! Jesus prefers Christmas candy this time.

With all the horrible stuff needing fixing, Jesus apparently is never too busy to show up in important and helpful places. Like a tunnel wall. Or a window in an abandoned building. Or on the bread of a toasted cheese sandwich.

While the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster  reports sightings of His Noodleness almost daily, God tends to lag behind when it comes to important earthly appearances, although I do believe I saw Him once after drinking some 40 year-old scotch. But generally, I’d like to think that God is a bit more discerning about where and to whom he appears. I figure he operates on the Less Is More concept.

Not exactly enough of a miracle to feed the starving, which would be kind of nice,  Jesus managed his final appearance of the year 2010 on one guy’s piece of Christmas candy. And he brought his mother along too.

I know this will be great comfort to all the homeless and that’s why I really believe He showed up on this guy’s candy before he popped it into his mouth. Good thing this man looks at his candy before eating it.  However, I suspect if it had been good candy instead of that cheap hard candy crap –like say, some dark imported chocolate — none of us would have ever known that Jesus showed up as the Candy Man.

Religious people who see God on things are very loyal to Jesus and regard these appearances as Most Holy. They worship the fact that God Picked Them instead of more Holy people, like the Pope or Pat Robertson. They live for God and this is an indicator that they are special to Him and a good Christian. To these special  Chosen people, this is a most spiritual experience and a God-compliment of the highest order. That’s why we can expect to see this holy confection show up on Ebay really soon.

This isn’t the first time Jesus has made seriously …um…symbolic, comforting and helpful appearances in 2010. Heaven knows what 2011 shall bring. Before I get struck by the expected lightning, here’s a short list of Jesus cameos from 2010. Unlike aliens, who are very regional-specific, as they only seem to probe farmers in the midwest, Jesus has made some interesting rounds:

Here’s Pub-Door Jesus blessing this guy’s beer. He was a bit disappointed that Jesus didn’t do the Mulitply thing with his beer, though.

Telephone pole/Powerline Jesus wants you to know that he will continue to Let There Be Light.

Naan Bread Jesus. I’m personally a little ticked that He didn’t hop onto some nice crusty Italian bread.

Google Streetview was spying on The Lord when they saw this. This means God loves Google. Or it could mean God has better equipment and was spying back. Rumor has it Google hacked into St. Peter’s unsecure network and stole his email address. So far, nobody at headquarters has attempted to correspond though. They are still looking for an honest man who might get a response that doesn’t electrocute the recipient upon opening.

Streetview is blessed by heavenly object.

43 Responses

  1. Gives new meaning to what the nuns and our parents were always telling us- “God is everywhere.”

  2. I still remember Johnny Carson eating a stunt potato chip as a guest sat in horror thinking he’d just munched on one in her collection.

  3. I’m taking over today. Lightning has tried to strike the woman twice already today. So I’m here while the wuss hides in the closet. Personally I don’t care if she hangs out there all day as long as she leaves enough food out for me. Besides, if I told her once, I told her a thousand times, God is a cat and if you mess with him, it ain’t pretty. But being a cat, if god wanted to get her, he would have just jumped on her in her sleep and removed an eye.

    One more thing. Don’t mess with me or I’ll put the whole lot of you in the spam dungeon and laugh my paws off.

  4. Bill,

    Two questions.

    ONE:

    Is God the cat in the header? If so, it would be quite easy for uppity to fend Cat-God off, that is, if she has a blow dryer in the closet with her.

    TWO:

    Does this mean she isn’t guarding the left-overs?

    Personally, I think you are covering for her because she is rip roaring drunk and passed out on the floor.

  5. Dear Karen,
    First, keep your hands off the food or I will hurt you. The food is mine. If I feel like it, I will give you some. Do not confuse me with the rather large but characteristically stupid dog, who happens to be sulking and guarding the closet door. Like as IF somebody is even going to open it from the outside. I mean, that’s how dumb dogs are. Knowing The Dog, I doubt she will even leave her “guarding” job to eat or drink. That’s fine with me, not that I want her food. Every cat knows dog food is crap. I mean, you see dogs gobble up us cats’ food all the time, but do you ever see us eat any of THEIR crap? Nuff said.

    The cat in the header is white and therefore not significant like us Tuxies are. However, I have dated white cats on occasion. That’s a nice way of saying i know that cat well and believe me, she’s no god. Don’t let her pretending to be a snowcat fool you. Its a trap. Let some especially cool Tom cat, such as myself, walk by and she will have a meltdown.
    What she really needs is to be spayed if you ask me. I mean, she’s exhausting, but nevermind.

    Just don’t come near the food. It’s a whole new ballgame, Karen. Now you’re dealing with a cat. Do I need to give you any further warning?

    By the way, did you see where a thousand black birds fell out of the sky dead in the town of Bumfuck? That was GodCat. It’s really a waste of food though as us cats like to play with our dinner for lengthy periods of time and then kill it fresh. We never eat pre-killed birds. So my guess is those birds are for the shrinking middle class cats and the bloodsucking cat-poor.

  6. Oh and one more thing. About the woman being drunk. The woman never gets drunk. She’s as boring as a radish that way. I myself never drink alcohol, being a cat and all. Except we do get some egg nog on Christmas Da, but it doesn’t have the booze in it like hers does. It’s the same story every year. She gives us some egg nog and we lap it up because it has all things in it cats love. I lap it up and then I throw up and the dog eats it like it’s freaking creme brulee.

  7. Gives new meaning to what the nuns and our parents were always telling us- “God is everywhere.”

    “Why?”
    “Because he loves you”.

    Boy, that was educational.

  8. I lap it up and then I throw up and the dog eats it like it’s freaking creme brulee.

    LMAO!!!!!!

  9. 😆

  10. The whole God is everywhere thing was really quite handy when we were made to mind the younger brats- even better than the old “Santa is watching.” The Santa thing was only good from Hallowe’en to Christmas- we used the other one on the little siblings year round!
    We never got that Why because He loves you line. Our nuns must have been a meaner lot. We got more in the line of God is everywhere and He is keeping everything you do in THE BOOK. To be opened at the end. When you would PAY! The severity of the crime determined whether you got eternal or temporary fire. Nope- our nuns weren’t much in the God loves you way- we got more of the Be afraid, be very very afraid type of instruction.
    As you can tell- most of that stuff wore off a long long time ago.

    Were you really in the closet? Or was MKBill trying a coup de tat?

  11. Hey FF, did the tenant from hell leave or did she find an excuse?

  12. Hi UW – she has taken the first “load” and she should be back soon w/a friend w/a truck to get the bed and the rest of her stinky crap – AND give me my money. I can’t wait to FUMIGATE THAT ROOM. Thankfully, I have slate floors in there so no carpet to absorb THAT SMELL.

  13. right now, I am looking for a couple of old-style Sony (or other) Bass Speakers – BOTH of mine have a rattle.

    Too much volume on the Diana Krall has done ’em in! LOL

  14. try ebay

  15. I live on ebay and/or craigslist – just looking, mind you😉

    I’m putting what money I have right now into my house. Insulation, new soffit and gable vents, caulk, paint, repair….

    after all – I’ll have to live here til forever!

  16. I thought you were kidding about the birds falling out of the sky. Just saw a story on it (been a little late on the uptake today- slipped and fell on my way out of the house today- not good on the back grr)
    Why can’t they figure it out? Didn’t they just have a bunch of tornadoes run through Arkansas a few nights ago? Or is it too much to think the two things might be related?

  17. This isn’t God on a grilled cheese or Baby Jesus on a piece of candy but this did crack me up:

    http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid180211731001?bckey=AQ~~,AAAAGuN0bcE~,rS1wzGXkRNnKZBuQ4FRjFM7e28yVdmek&bclid=0&bctid=730984013001

  18. Just swinging by to wish Uppity and all Uppity-ites a Happy and Healthy New Year.

    Now that I’ve had my breath of air, I’ve gotta go back under and get to work.

    Looking forward to dropping in more frequently for my reality check….

  19. FF! Can we take that to mean the room mate from hell is GONE???? HOORAY! Quick- change the locks! I always loved Judy Garland- gone much too soon.

  20. Hey Anthony! You need more breaths of fresh air more often. I decree it.

    Listen, the best way not to have the hassle and expense of changing locks is to have lock keys stamped “Do not duplicate”.

  21. UW, so MKB let you out for a few, eh?😉

  22. He tried to board up the door Allie!

  23. PHOENIX — An Iraqi immigrant accused of killing his daughter because he believed she was too Westernized goes on trial this month in Arizona in a case that raised awareness about incidents of so-called “honor killings” in the U.S.

    Faleh Hassan Almaleki, 50, faces life in prison if convicted. In October 2009, he slammed his Jeep into his daughter, Noor Almaleki, 20, prosecutors said.

    The woman, who longed to live a normal American life, was in a coma for two weeks before succumbing to her injuries, in a case that caused outrage from people nationwide.

    Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/01/02/iraqi-immigrant-tried-daughters-honor-killing/#ixzz19vG6vzF7

  24. DE, that’s the freak I wrote about somewhere on this blog. Somebody should run a 4×4 over his Sharia ass and then back up over him just to make sure he’s road pizza.

  25. Here he is, the shitbag.
    https://uppitywoman08.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/islamo-psycho-runs-down-his-daughter-for-being-too-westernized/

    Too bad he’s not in Texas. That would be nice.

  26. PMM

    They think it might have been the fireworks–but that’s a lot of birds for fireworks

    love the header

  27. Maybe it was a La Crowza Nostra war.

  28. FF, what PMM asked, is the tenant from the depths finally gone? Are you Free Again finally?

  29. Glad it wasn’t more like this. Lifetime Channel style.

  30. La Crowza Nostra

    and what did you call them the first time we talked about crows? The crowfia? No it was something else. I am going to have to start a file just to keep your really funny stuff.

  31. Yes, all, the sociopath is disapeared. I have my money, I have saged the room, and sprayed enough Fabreeze, Lysol, and anything else I can fond to get a citation from the EPA. I am burning Nag Champa by the bucket load and I have scrubbing bubbled the bathroom until the tile glaze is about to rub off.

    Thank you all for being here. It has been SUCH a drag.

    Tomorrow we take down the wall between that room and my dining room and when that is done, I am having Shoji Screens built for the opening. My office will go back in there by the end of the week, and by then, with 1/4 of the walls gone, new paint and a healthy dose of positive energy, my HOME will be MY HOME again.

    She had to get in one last dig at me as she was walking out the door regarding her “forwarding address.” I had “no need to know” – so if the cops show up with a warrant because she failed to appear in court on the pending charge (fighting) she has, I am afraid all I will be able to do is tell them 1.) where she works 2.) give them her DL number and 3.) her tag number – all of which I know.

    I asked her why she was so rude to me, seeing how she was being ALLOWED to live here after she lied on her lease and I let her find another place – she said she was “Sick of this shit”. And this from a woman who says she will have her PhD in PSYCHOLOGY in five years! God help us all.

    I swear. She reminds me of Barack Obama. Full of herself and living on OPM.

    What an asshole she is – a real psycho. I slept with my bedroom door locked last night – in my OWN HOME.

    AS for Mom’s and Imust’s EQ question on my blog about So Cal – I have said, and I do now, chances are HIGH for a real shaker SOON. STAY SAFE ALL Uppities in CA! As for the Argentinian quake – too deep to barely feel – Chile – I just saw as I have been at Charlotte’s.

    And just so you all know. I had new locks in within an hour of her leaving.

  32. Also – all my neighbor’s have a “call the cops” order if they see her car. And my neighbor’s LOVE to be nosy! LOL

    And I love ’em that way!!!

  33. I have to turn in. I am emotionally spent. Keep the header cold, or Bill will melt.

    XOXOXOXO

    BTW – I will be re-starting my blog soon too! I’ll let you know. Thanks to all, and Nunly – if you are out there – xoxo

  34. and what did you call them the first time we talked about crows?

    Flying shithouses?

  35. Too bad i can’t loan you my dog, FF. Love those goldens, and I believe that’s what you have, but the darn things would help someobody rob the house. With a smile.

    Just keep the 9mm handy. Turn her into a strawberry barrel if she busts in, that’s what I say.

  36. “Just keep the 9mm handy. ”

    A .380 Baretta will do just as well! 😉

  37. and yes, Angel would help anyone rob the place. Golden that she is – and an old one now too!

  38. Dang. That MKB sure is feisty tonight.

  39. Happy New Year!!!

    djmm

  40. ?Telephone pole/Powerline Jesus wants you to know that he will continue to Let There Be Light.”

    hahahahahahahahaahahaha!

  41. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaah! power pole!
    falls off chair laughing so hard.

    love you Uppity Woman.

    ps: on those birds & fish, ummmmm yes I saw it too.
    very strange & scary……

    xxoo!
    happy new year….& hugs.

  42. cutest header! stay warm & safe k bai

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