It’s snowing here. Again. It will cover the sheet of ice beneath it, thereby ensuring a fair number of falling walkers will visit the emergency room today. It’s also colder than a penguin’s ass out there. This morning, as I threw salt pebbles on the sheet of ice in front of me so that I could make it to my car, I thought of two things: Hansel and Gretel…. and Al Gore.
It’s probably just a coincidence that Al Gore seems to have steadily disappeared from public view since the first blizzard in decades right there in Copenhagen during Gore Week. Well, yeah there was that little accusation about his roaming hands in that hotel room with the massage girl, and of course, the obligatory divorce thing. But beyond that, Old Al seems to have disappeared.
I’m worried about Al. It’s no secret that, whenever Al disappears for long periods, he emerges weighing as much as a Buick. We did finally “hear” from him this month, when he pointed out that all this freezing cold is part of global warming. But that was just a blog post on the lamest blog I have ever seen, riddled with single-paragraph posts in a passive tone .If you go to Al’s blog, the most exciting thing you will find is that link to his investment firm. You all be sure to send what’s left of your retirement fund to Al. He’ll take care of you.
We still can’t be sure which warm place Al is hiding out in while we all freeze our butts off. I’m personally guessing he’s busy making that $100k “People’s” car in another country, using American loans but not American, much less Union, labor.
Thank heavens Al has been spotted in a number of places by those who gave up on the Elvis thing. Like Elvis, Al has become a legend. People have sworn they’ve seen Al Gore exhaling large quantities of CO2 at places like gas stations, laundromats and at fast food restaurants.
Some recorded sightings:
Here’s Al holding a special conference when last seen by the press since the blizzard attack on Copenhagen Warming Summit. This was shortly before he changed the name “Global Warming” to “Climate Change”. He was still wearing his “lucky button”.
Al shows up in Maine in April.
Here’s Al again, spotted by an Ex Elvis Watcher,opening his mouth and allowing all the hot air to Globally Warm freezing Floridians last month.
Here’s Al pretending this is a veggie burger.
Al was seen red-faced last Spring, throwing rocks at two polar bears and yelling, “Stop this reproducing right now! You’re fucking up my story!”.
A sighting of Al’s Gulfstream jet, which he now maintains runs on orange juice. Unfortunately, given the December freeze in Florida, orange juice now costs more than gasoline.
Al, spotted at an Upstate NY bus stop in October, handing out warning tracts to swearing riders waiting for a bus that was delayed due to unusually icy conditions.
Al’s carbon footprint was spotted in Arizona.
Al, showing everyone how much bigger he is than the entire world. Spotter says a choir accompanied him to the tune of, “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” .
Al, sighted laughing all the way to the bank.
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