Well, it’s that time again. Rapture Time.
It’ the time when every
profit prophet in the USA does his fund-raising by getting free publicity on all the cable channels and scaring the bejesus (scuse the pun) out of everybody by telling them they had better get right with the Lord and send money right now.
Every Rapture Date comes with the same old characters who have been predicting the end of the world for years, and a few new
profits prophets join in every year. For some odd reason, Evangelicals tend to forget that these same people were wrong the last time(s) and they still go on believing these con artists are legitimate. Talk about Blind Faith. Considering that the Bible they claim to Know has made it exceedingly clear that you cannot know the date, this repeated ability to rile up the Believers is mind-boggling on its best day.
Well, I hope you’re ready. If not, you had best hurry up! There’s not much time! May 21, 2011 is This Year’s Date.
So if you have anything on your calendar scheduled after the 21st of May, scrap that mission. Don’t be buying those expensive concert tickets ahead of time. No sense of wasting all that money for nothing. Stop paying your mortgage because by the time the bank catches up to you, you’ll be yanked right out of your shoes in the twinkling of an eye. All the dead will also rise from their graves, thus freeing up valuable land for real estate development. That’s how those rapture dates go. All of them go that way. All gazillion of them. Now, the fact that the one in 2009 went bust (See, “Have A Happy Rapture Day!“–I’ll bet all those videos and the web site have been removed by now) is no reason for you not to panic and get all freaked out. After all, you can’t have a Rapture Date without freaking out. Where’s the profit in that?
So consider Rapture Day as something similar to the movie Ground Hog Day. It’s going to be the End Of The World. Again. I mean what good is a year without an Rapture/End Of The World Date, hey? I mean how can you possibly be of bad cheer knowing you are going to be yanked right out of your shoes on a given date just about Every Single Year As Far Back As You Can Remember?
But this time it’s Real. Last time it was Real, but not Really Real. This time it’s Really Really Real. Don’t believe me? Well check out this car. I mean who would do this to a perfectly good car if it weren’t Real? It’s great to see a woman get on board with the boyz on this rapture thing. The discrimination among the Rapture predictors has been far too obvious, don’t you think? Until now.
RALEIGH, N.C. — From her Subaru, a car painted as white as the fourth horse of Revelation, Allison Warden proclaims that Jesus Christ shall return May 21.
By her reckoning, the Lord’s return will fall on a springtime Saturday. And if the world weren’t ending, you might find people celebrating other notable highlights of the day: Mr. T’s birthday, Montenegro’s independence or the Red Sox-White Sox game.
But to Warden and hundreds of like-minded Christians, Judgment Day can be calculated precisely by tracing biblical genealogy, or by following history forward 7,000 years from the day Noah shut the door to his ark.
Whoa! Allison must be a blast at parties!
So if May 22 rolls around and you’re still here, wailing and gnashing your teeth, don’t say nobody warned you. Some people are already prepared. They have signed up at Eternal Earthbound Pets to ensure lifetime care for their pets after they are swooped up. Wise to the perpetual Rapture dates we suffer through regularly, Eternal Earthbound Pets’ contract is only good for ten years from its effective date. However, if you haven’t signed up by now, remember what your mother told you about the Early Bird? Please note:
Notice of Rate Increase: Due to the increased activity associated with the May 21, 2011 Rapture prophesy we have increased our service rates for all new contracts submitted as of 1/13/11.
This May 21 date is a Problem for those End Times people who hang crepe every single year for you to enjoy. I thought their most recent date was set for October 21, 2011. Which means, when their rapture date hits the streets, Allison Warden’s Day will have already come and gone. So, since the world will have already ended, there will be nothing to Rapture. Yo, End Times people! You need to have your Rapture secretary get in touch with Allison’s End Of World secretary and work this out right now!
No…..wait……..I see they’ve found a way to cover the bases. No sense of wasting a good Rapture panic. May 21 is “Judgement Day” and October 21 is “Rapture Day”.
For the rest of us: We’ll just re-read Have A Happy Rapture Day!, written on Rapture Day 2009, complete with a running list of Rapture Dates we have been pestered with ever since Extreme Christianity was embraced by every nutcase who ever lived.
Listen, one more thing: If you get raptured, can I have your stuff?
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