When I heard that they were actually going to serve fruitcake at the royal wedding, I began to worry. Fewer things are more disgusting than fruitcake. Oh yeah I know, some people swear they love fruitcake. They are either liars or have really defective taste buds. Fruitcake is….well, here, I want to go on record right now about how I feel about fruitcake. If I lose members, so be it. Here is a reprint of an old post of mine, just so you know i am not just being suddenly Uppity for effect.
I was going to post this as your open thread for tomorrow, so consider it that. But I have to get this off my chest now. I can do that. It’s my blog.
I got a damned fruitcake! I simply cannot believe I am stuck with a fruitcake! Worse yet, I got it today, so the person who dumped it on me must have gotten it yesterday! Or worse, last year! Or three years ago! Who knows with fruitcakes?
I remember once receiving a dollar bill with “Where in the world is George” stamped on it with a website to visit. The idea was to track where that dollar bill goes. So I bit and tracked the serial number for awhile. I think we should do this with fruitcakes.
You see. I have this theory that all fruitcakes are recycled. Some of them might even travel around the world for years and years as gifts. They appear to be shelf-stable indefinitely. I mean how the hell can you tell if a fruitcake is stale. They all have the texture of hockey pucks. Therefore they can travel forever. I firmly believe that you could conceivably give someone a fruitcake and receive the same fruitcake back at Christmas decades later.
I hate fruitcake and I think it should be outlawed. Especially those fruitcakes with the green gumdrop stuff in them and that Godawful yellow citron stuff. I don’t care what anybody says, that stuff is reminiscent of dried sinusitis snot.
I don’t think there are websites totally dedicated to selling fruitcakes. How would they stay in business? Does anybody really buy a fruitcake? So, fruitcake manufacturers (think Aunt Millie’s ironworks and fruitcake factory) usually pimp these hockey pucks via other rather odd outlets. Over here at Cabela’s, “World Famous Outfitter,” you can buy your hunting and archery gear, dog supplies and your “Grandma’s” Famous Fruitcake all in one place. That’s because they make great decoys and targets! Why I bet I could empty half a clip into the one we have before it’s no longer feasible to shoot at it. You can even get one at JC Penney’s or Amazon.
I know. I know. There’s always one in a crowd. Some squirrel who loves fruitcake. I’m sure there’s one here. But I’m here to say I am definitely not alone in finding these things repulsive. I Googled “I hate fruitcake” and let me tell you, I am going easy on the despicable things compared to some other people. Fruitcake is so reviled that there are even T Shirts with “I Hate Fruitcake” embossed on them.
We are in the process of trying to figure out what to do with this damned fruitcake that weighs in like a bowling ball. Some options we are floating around: Dump Grand Armagnac all over it and eat it anyways, and we won’t care what the rest of it tastes like. We wouldn’t even have to pick out the yellow and green stuff. I myself would go for this, but truth is, I find the stuff so disgusting, I would be more apt to suck on it to extract the nectar, rather than bite into it.
Personally I like the second option: Leave it behind someone else’s door at night and let THEM disposition it.
I’d take a picture of this animal but it’s still wrapped up and in its tin. It’s highly possible the tin has been replaced over the years.
So……..what shall we do with this fruitcake?
Thanks to imustprotest for the Fruitcake Song link.
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