The one bad omen at the royal wedding celebration: The Fruitcake

When I heard that they were actually going to serve fruitcake at the royal wedding, I began to worry. Fewer things are more disgusting than fruitcake. Oh yeah I know, some people swear they love fruitcake. They are either liars or have really defective taste buds. Fruitcake is….well, here, I want to go on record right now about how I feel about fruitcake. If I lose members, so be it. Here is a reprint of an old post of mine, just so you know i am not just being suddenly Uppity for effect.

I was going to post this as your open thread for tomorrow, so consider it that. But I have to get this off my chest now. I can do that. It’s my blog.

I got a damned fruitcake! I simply cannot believe I am stuck with a fruitcake! Worse yet, I got it today, so the person who dumped it on me must have gotten it yesterday! Or worse, last year! Or three years ago! Who knows with fruitcakes?

I remember once receiving a dollar bill with “Where in the world is George” stamped on it with a website to visit. The idea was to track where that dollar bill goes. So I bit and tracked the serial number for awhile. I think we should do this with fruitcakes.

You see. I have this theory that all fruitcakes are recycled. Some of them might even travel around the world for years and years as gifts. They appear to be shelf-stable indefinitely. I mean how the hell can you tell if a fruitcake is stale. They all have the texture of hockey pucks. Therefore they can travel forever. I firmly believe that you could conceivably give someone a fruitcake and receive the same fruitcake back at Christmas decades later.

I hate fruitcake and I think it should be outlawed. Especially those fruitcakes with the green gumdrop stuff in them and that Godawful yellow citron stuff. I don’t care what anybody says, that stuff is reminiscent of dried sinusitis snot.

I don’t think there are websites totally dedicated to selling fruitcakes. How would they stay in business? Does anybody really buy a fruitcake? So, fruitcake manufacturers (think Aunt Millie’s ironworks and fruitcake factory) usually pimp these hockey pucks via other rather odd outlets. Over here at Cabela’s, “World Famous Outfitter,” you can buy your hunting and archery gear, dog supplies and your “Grandma’s” Famous Fruitcake all in one place. That’s because they make great decoys and targets! Why I bet I could empty half a clip into the one we have before it’s no longer feasible to shoot at it. You can even get one at JC Penney’s or Amazon.

I know. I know. There’s always one in a crowd. Some squirrel who loves fruitcake. I’m sure there’s one here. But I’m here to say I am definitely not alone in finding these things repulsive. I Googled “I hate fruitcake” and let me tell you, I am going easy on the despicable things compared to some other people. Fruitcake is so reviled that there are even T Shirts with “I Hate Fruitcake” embossed on them.

We are in the process of trying to figure out what to do with this damned fruitcake that weighs in like a bowling ball. Some options we are floating around: Dump Grand Armagnac all over it and eat it anyways, and we won’t care what the rest of it tastes like. We wouldn’t even have to pick out the yellow and green stuff. I myself would go for this, but truth is, I find the stuff so disgusting, I would be more apt to suck on it to extract the nectar, rather than bite into it.

Personally I like the second option: Leave it behind someone else’s door at night and let THEM disposition it.

I’d take a picture of this animal but it’s still wrapped up and in its tin. It’s highly possible the tin has been replaced over the years.

So……..what shall we do with this fruitcake?

Thanks to imustprotest for the Fruitcake Song link.


82 Responses

  1. Did you notice the royals all do the very same silly really fast wave? I mean, do they have a Waving Teacher at the palace? It is really a SILLY wave.

  2. I heard that the British put hats of their fruitcake. <( ; )

    (The picture is me with a hat on, in the spirit of the day.)

  3. ROFLMAO! I was just reading the comments on the original fruitcake post. Karen had the next to last comment on that thread- we need to bring it up!
    I vote we put the damn thing in a lobster box and send it to Meanchelda. Enclose a note saying something to the effect of “Love from the Gulf”

  4. … hats on their fruitcake.. (I was so busy with the picture that I forgot to check for typos.)

  5. Hmm I just got to thinking- fruitcake is so hard and dry- possible fossils- wonder if it would suck up all the non existent oil left in the Gulf?

  6. Uppity- you won’t believe this- but yes there are people who teach “the wave”

  7. honora

  8. Care to see the royal menu at various times today? This one will definitely piss Michelle off for not being invited.

  9. Did you notice that the little flower girls (or whatever they call them in England) were doing the wave?

  10. All food ingredients were sourced in England. Hear that Michelle? No Kobe. That’s what patriots do, but nevermind.

  11. OMG Mom found the Wave Teacher!

  12. Holy smokes that menu is incredible. But I don’t know what Bubbles and Squeaks is.

  13. Saw that on the local food sources Uppity! Good on them! Putting the money into the hands of THEIR OWN citizens! What a concept! Highly unlikely any of it was grown in a toxic photo op fake garden either!

  14. Here you go BCL-

    The asparagus sounded wonderful and I LOVE anything made with blood oranges!

  15. They’re serving left over veggies at the royal reception! Shocking..

  16. My understanding re the royal wave and it’s many variations was taught to me as a tad at both my grannies’ knees. It has to do with the strain put on the arm and wrist. It evolved because everytime the royals went out and about, they had subjects waving at them, and they wanted to wave back, yet the traditional flapping of the hand type wave was creating muscle problems. The royal wave is a turning of the wrist, not a bending, and is less taxing, so they can continue to wave without causing problems in the wrist – much like we are careful about how we type to prevent Carpal tunnel syndrome.

    WRT fruit cake, back when I was a tad, we’d have it every single Xmas – I hated it.

    WRT the wedding today, they also had a cake that makes my teeth hurt, but I’d love a bite.Apparently it’s Prince Williams favorite.
    Behold, the McVities Chocolate Cake.

    The McVities Chocolate Cake

  17. No HT, that’s not what they are doing. It’s a really fast kiddie wave. Not a turn of the wrist at all. An actual really fast hand wave back and forth.

  18. Yum blood oranges. I love them too.

  19. Yum. Sounds nice. I also love blood oranges. Got laker blood orange sorbet.

  20. Most fruitcake is wretched, I agree.

    But we make a version–original recipe may have been Claiborne’s White Fruitcake- that has real dried fruits and citron in it, and it’s delicious. Friends and family ask us each year if we’re making it and put themselves on the guest list, no kidding. It’s rich and moist, tender and delicious.

    Maybe it’s an English thing-my family is from England and Sweden-, but I served it at my little wedding, too. Homemade, of course!

  21. and those kids donating to charity just beautiful 🙂

  22. Guests at the reception will be entertained by Claire Jones, the official Harpist to HRH The Prince of Wales.

    How often do you think Charles needs a Harp playing that he has his own harpist? That’s very royal.

    Now I would love to have my own comb and wax paper band. They would only have to know how to hum in tune. Think how cheap they would be, not having had all those bothersome music and theory lessons.

  23. Erica, I can’t help it but Citron makes me shiver. I find it truly disgusting and cannot imagine why anyone would ingest it voluntarily. The whole fruitcake thing reminds me of gummy bear pieces shoved inside of really hard cake and soaked with booze to make eating it more tolerable. I just can’t help it. I never had a fruitcake I could stand.

  24. Hey Teresa, maybe Charlie, who looks like Rigor Mortis himself, needs harp music to get it up.

  25. how old is Charles now? He has to be middle to late 60s. Why do Englishmen refuse to trim their eyebrows and ear hair? Charles and the Priest seemed to be having a contest in the long wild eyebrow and ear hair category.
    Hey, maybe he keeps her around to play when he goes toes up?

  26. yeah, Mom, that thread has the best recipe for fruitcake. Even Uppity said it was her kind of cake. Apparently Uppity likes to bend the elbow often with the good stuff in both fists.

    Christmas Fruitcake Recipe:

    1 cup of water
    1 tsp baking soda
    1 cup of sugar
    1 tsp salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    lemon juice
    4 large eggs
    1 cup nuts
    2 cups of dried fruit
    1 bottle rum

    Sample the rum to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the rum again, to be sure it is of the highest quality—pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.
    At this point it’s best to make sure the rum is still ok, cry another tup just in case.

    Turn off the mixerer thingy.

    Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
    Mix on the turner.
    If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver..
    Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.

    Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares.
    Check the rum..
    Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
    Greash the oven.

    Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
    Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
    Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
    Go to bed.
    Who likes fruitcake anyway.

    Cherry Mistmas!

  27. karen- STILL ROFL every time I read that fruitcake recipe! Is that an original you thought up?

  28. Yeah. Now there’s a fruitcake.

  29. Hey, maybe he keeps her around to play when he goes toes up?

    Yes. Practice!

  30. I believe somebody wished for a lip reader earlier? TADA!

    Some days it is just too easy being the ferret lol.

  31. The Brits haven’t exactly been know for their culinary expertise, so the fruitcake doesn’t surprise me.

    What did surprise me was my reaction to the wedding convreage.

    First, I noted what a great body Kate has, thanks to her gene pool (and dress designer).

    Second, I had a fleeting whimsical thought about shagging her sister and Harry at the same time. (a Royal flush perhaps?)

    Philippa looked great in her dress, and I’ve always had a hardon for Harry.

    Then, I remembered my reputation. talk about a fruitcake………

  32. I like fruitcake. Of course I also like baloney in lime jello, so don’t pay any attention to me.

  33. Fir some reason I thought that fruitcake was the traditional choice for weddings in England so this did not strike me as out of the ordinary.

    My grandmother always soaked her fruitcake in brandy. She started baking them before Halloween so they would have more than enough time to absorb all the booze over those 8 to 10 weeks. I admit hers was the only fruitcake I ever ate but then she used only dried fruit (and soaked those raisins in rum just for fun). No plastic gummy bears for her.

  34. Karma takes her time but she does the job.

    Edwards has to testify about his affair with hunter.



  35. Jay, while I will have a bite of truly terrific fruitcake (and yess Uppity it does exist), baloney is outsie my purview and baloney in lime jello – well you must have a cast iron stomach.

  36. Helen, I would believe in Karma if they actually nail this guy, but Edwards is a master at deflection and obfuscation so I won’t hold my breath. The other thing, most of the “men” investigating the Edwards slug probably have a cupboard and then some of secrets as well. He will get off – otherwise all the gents would be open to investigation – oh wait, forgot about Newt.

  37. Edwards will get off. Stern wording meaning nothing will be the outcome.

  38. Yeah I thought Pippa was quite hot and I’m not even gay, Anthony.

    But about your opinion of English fare. Obviously you have never experienced haggis and spotted dick…..

  39. I forget what the H it’s called now, but I had it as a course at a high end wedding once….It was beef, surrounded by pate or something. It was truly awful.

  40. And Arthur Treachers might never have been without the UK’s influence!

  41. Re: Edwards. They all get off. And then they get off.

    And how come it’s always the men in our government. I seem to recall the women saying they are too damned busy actually working.

  42. the public humiliation and being finished in politics is a good start. I will never forgive what he did to not only his wife and children but also the country.
    It is a shame that the scarlet letter A is not tattooed on his forehead for real , but it is in the minds of many people when they look at him.
    He will always be remembered as the slob that screwed around on a dying wife.
    Also just think him having to testify is because the slut he screwed is suing his aide for sex tapes of the two of them. Tell me that is not KARMA at work



  43. Just think Helen. This is the kind of shitbag we get running for President.

  44. I would like fruit cake if it didn’t have fruit in it. Why would anyone want to ruin a cake but putting fruit in it? Don’t out any GD raspberries between the layers either, or pudding or anything but frosting.

  45. Okay Tony, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Harry, but he is young enough to be my youngest son’s younger friend.

  46. Teresa, bet you would change your mind about stuff between layers if you tasted cannoli cake.

  47. Let’s face it, any cake with shit that gets stuck in your teeth in it ain’t worth eating.

  48. Cannoli cake with slivers of chocolate and fresh cherries in a marscapone cannoli filling. That’s what we dagos serve.

  49. Spumoni made like it ‘posed to be. With pistachios

    Don’t give me that English food story. I’m a dago.

  50. I just found this recipe in a shortcut cookie book that is wonderful.
    Do you remember orange cream popsicles? This a bar cookie that taste just like it.

    I will post it in the recipe section.
    easy to make , really good



  51. Comments are closed on the recipe site.

    orange dreamsicle bars.
    oven 350 degrees

    1 16.5 roll refrigerated sugar cookie dough
    2 tbsp grated orange zest
    2 8oz pkg cream cheese softened
    2/3 cup orange marmalade
    2 large eggs
    2 tbsp butter
    2 tbsp milk
    2 drops orange food color
    2/3 cup white chocolate chips

    break cookie dough in ungreased 13×9 baking pan
    flour fingers and press dough evenly over bottom of pan
    sprinkle orange zest over dough and press in

    beat cream cheese and marmalade med speed until well blended
    add eggs and blend in until smooth
    spread evenly over crust.
    bake 30-35 minutes until crust is golden and center is set.
    cool 1 hour

    microwave butter, milk and food color on high for atbout 30 seconds or just until boiling.
    add white chocolate and stir until melted and smooth
    spread evenly over bars
    refrigerate for at least 2 hours
    cut into bars

  52. You just need to tell me if the a tab is closed. If you put recipes here they are lost and not to be found later.

  53. Fruitcake! Yuck!!! They showed on our morning local news program that the other wedding cake for the groom was William’s favorite as a little boy. It was a chocolate biscuit cake. They crush the biscuits, kind of like cookies and then add a mixture of condensed milk and chocolate and nuts on top and refrigerate it. No baking. It looked like a Rice Krispy Treat when it was done. Those British have weird taste in food….no offense to any Brits who lurk or post on this blog of course.

  54. Just returned from the video rental spot (rented the King’s speech). While I was waiting to get my choices (horror weekend plus the good one), the young lady in front of me was telling everyone how she felt old and everything was downhill from today on because today was her birthday and she was – wait for it – 25. I couldn’t resist – I took off my hat to expose my grey – almost white hair and said, honey, your life is just beginning. Spent the next 20 minutes educating said young lady and all the youngsters who work at the store that life begins once one gets over thinking that life ends at a particular age. BTW, I always wear a hat when I’m going out in the sun for more than a few minutes. Battle and surgery for skin cancer makes me wary. So far, it’s worked.
    What is wrong with today’s culture that 25 year old pissants think that their life is almost over and that they have passed their prime? Why is one’s prime measured by years? We live in a truly f@@ked up world. Damn those marketing wunderkind for what they have wrought.

  55. Uppity it sounds like you were eating Beef Wellington (beef in pastry)?

    How anyone can like white cake with white icing (pure sugar) and not eat fruitcake is beyond me. I like cake with flavor and texture. Spumoni is one of my favorite flavor treats and that has fruit and lots of flavors.

  56. all this talk about cake got me thinking about one that I used to make – years ago in my youth. I’m not a cake person at all, but this one – mmmmm good. Also mmmmm bad for your health. If I recall correctly their was a pound of better and two cups of sour cream involved along with the cranberries and cup of sugar. It was delicious, but boyo was it bad for your arteries and heart – but it was delicious – but bad – but it was delicious (shakes head and reminds one that what was delicious in one’s twenties may not taste the same 30+ years later – besides it was very bad for your health)

  57. I can answer that. I don’t like white cake with white icing. However, I would eat it before i would eat fruitcake.

    Yes, it was beef Wellington. But it was more than just beef in pastry. It was horrid. Bleck.

  58. BCL that spumoni pic looks just like the one my mother used to make. God I miss that woman.

  59. Hey UW what’s with the two comments in moderation that are sorta you but not?

  60. Rice Crispie treat. ROFL. Gawd. No palate at all.

  61. They were my own pingbacks caused by me going thru posts I want to close comments on. If you have one of your own links in one of them, it will generate a pingback.

  62. Canoli cake I would try……just as long as none of that stuff was fruit. I like my fruit fresh cool and crisp, crunchy is good too, like crunchy apples. The ONLY exception is apple pie.

  63. That particular cannoli cake has cherries in it, Teresa. Fresh ones. But I’ve seen them with just the chocolate mixed in.

  64. Interview by Laura Ingraham (sp?) with a head guy of the black chamber of commerce. He admits he voted for BO based on color, regrets it now, and says he is so scared for this country.

  65. Sheeeesh, never seen such hatin’ on fruitcakes. Certain fruitcakes have hired me to bring a class action on their behalf for libel and slander.

  66. This guy on Ingraham gives one hope. Nice to see a prominent AA criticize Obama.

  67. Now NES, you and I both know you can’t represent any fruitcakes, no matter how old they are. This would be a conflict of interest. Furthermore, it would be fairly easy to get such a client to withdraw. All that would be needed is for me to get one of the few fools on this blog who like fruitcake to look up your clients and eat them.

    Truth be known, such potential clients should consider themselves lucky that most of us hate them, including and especially me. Because of our hatred, they Live On. We have friends, NES, you know this. We could dispatch an entire blog of Fruitcake Lovers to eliminate thousands of century-old rum-drenched, dried colorful snot-laden hockey pucks forever.

  68. There are some excellent points made on the Ingraham show vid. If that guy is right, it would be highly enjoyable to see bo get only 30% of the black vote. My friend with a business in an all black neighborhood in the Bronx (she’s hispanic) says they are furious with him. She deals with the public all day long and in 2008 they were all in love with him so it is a very clear contrast. Change WE can believe in.

    As for Upps reply to NES – bestest answer evah!

  69. What was I thinking??! (Too much tequila, probably.) The fruitcakes were sent packing.

  70. Some kewl portraits of the newly-weds et al. The camera loves the couple, especially Kate. I’m definitely crushed-out on Kate. (Don’t think Pippa’s a patch on her, altho’ she’s certainly no slouch in the looks dept.)

  71. …and warned to flee the USA.

    I’m sure Mom knows the answer: how did “fruitcake” come to be slang for a homosexual man?

  72. The fruitcakes were sent packing.

    This is wise. Remember, I am Italian.

  73. They covered the fruit cake well. it does look pretty.

  74. NES Mom is a truly selfless individual. i know for a fact she was wincing through the entire thing. Yet she provided us with links which we would use to further torture her.

  75. NES, I have no idea how Fruitcake got to be slang for gays. However, I do wish to point out that the TLC guy who was hosting Times Square during the wedding could have been the poster boy for fruitcake.

    Yes NES, Kate if hot but I thought Pippa was especially interesting in her dress.

  76. How can one forget, Donna Uppitia!

  77. Given the food discussion, NES, all I can think of in answer to your Donna Uppitia comment is that scene in the Godfather, where they bought some cannolis and drove the guy to a deserted spot, shot the guy and took the cannoli box with them when they left.

  78. One of my favorite scenes.

  79. That she is, Upps; our Mom has a true sense of noblesse oblige.

  80. I thought the whole Middleton family looked beautiful and classy. Unlike some of those kinky royals. It looks like Wills chose well, I think it would be kinda fun if Harry ended up with Pippa.
    NES, hope you enjoyed your vacation! Was it great?

  81. Socal, it was divine.

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