I survived this year’s first Rapture Date! Unfortunately, the psycho Jesus Freak who lives across the road is still here too. And my one remaining evangelical friend is truly bummed out. He gave away all his porn DVDs and now he has to start all over again. He is really sulking now, because he swears some of those films were Classics. He’s a Republican. You can automatically know this because, if he were a Democrat, he would have known he wasn’t going anywhere and would have never let go of that vintage copy of Talk Dirty To Me.
So now I am stuck here with my carry-up bag and a crapload of peanut butter crackers I packed for the trip. And 24 Dramamines. I even bought new underwear because my mother was really big on that thing about not landing in the hospital half-dead with old underwear. I figured it applied to Raptures too.
I didn’t pay the mortgage or my Bank Of America credit card and now I have a penalty and they will probably raise the rate to 30%.
I spent three days eating everything that wasn’t good for my weight or health and now I feel like crap.
I had wild unprotected sex a whole bunch of times and now Mr. Uppity thinks we should do that all the time. This probably occurred because I threw off all those layers of clothing I was wearing because I didn’t want to get cold at 15,000 feet. I figured, screw this, if they are going to take me, they are going to have to take me naked. Apparently, Mr. U took this literally. Should I get pregnant, I already have a name picked out: Surprise. Or perhaps Miracle would be more appropriate.
I didn’t do any laundry and now it’s all staring at me. And besides that, I paid those G’Damned atheists up front to look after my pets for eternity, and now here they are, all furry and staring at me, wondering when I am going to feed them.
I told off three people who could have really hurt me if there weren’t going to be a Rapture and now I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So, tell me, who do I sue for this Rapture Bullcrap?
I mean my life is so screwed up now that I may just have to turn to God or something. I can’t go after the nutbag who started all of this because all she’s got is that fugly Subaru with the Rapture crap painted all over it. In the words of my late mother, never sue somebody who has less than you do-especially if it appears that they only have three cans left in their mental six-pack.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky compared to some people. For example, this congenital moron spent down his life savings ahead of May 21. I do hope he hasn’t reproduced. And here’s a smarmy guy, civil engineer, turned Rapturist, who did some math for the
suckers believers and made a boatload of money. Mr. Camping even had a radio show all about yesterday’s End Of The World, properly named “Family Radio” so as to ensure endearing himself to all those gullible “Family Values” people. I’m not sure where he is right now, but one thing’s for sure, he’s living well. Nice work, suckers!
Here’s Mr. Camping’s “math”. No kidding. You can’t make this shit up.
“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”
Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.
Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.
Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.
Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.
“Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.
I’m rolling my eyes here.
Ah well, at least I’m still alive, right? And nobody got a dime from me! Because I don’t care what all these freaks say, death is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy over-rated. And you don’t get DoOvers! I know for a fact that all those evangelicals agree, too, because, for all their talk about wanting to go be with Jesus, just as soon as they get sick enough to notice that God might be taking them up on their wish, they fight like maniacs not to go. No kidding. They will let doctors poke, prod and ingest toxins into their bodies just to STAY HERE.
I do want you all to know that I wouldn’t have let you down if I had been raptured. I already figured out how to blog to you during and after Rapture. I planned to steal some dumbbell’s bandwidth. I figured this is why God gave wireless to morons on unprotected networks.
Okay, now we have to go mow the lawn because we didn’t bother yesterday. Bummer. But at least we’re here.
When I read imust’s suggestion about Live Blogging the Rapture, I thought, Oh Man! Why didn’t I think of that? But now that the idea has been surreptitiously planted into my head, I will get the chance to do that on the next Rapture Date. And if we know one thing for sure it’s that, like death and taxes, Another Rapture Date is always a certainty.
But more importantly, I see that you all Survived The Rapture too. Because if you went and I didn’t, why the hell would I bother writing more blog posts? The interesting things is, nobody I know got Raptured. Perhaps this is an indicator of my bad taste in friends or something.
……But if everybody from Uppityville is still here too, just remember….it’s Sunday.
…..This means all the End Times crazies are in church right now planning that next rapture date, because enjoying life and having a positive thought process is just a bummer for these people.
It’s just so good to know that the same moronic superstitious crazy-asses who fall for this rapture crap every damned year — are going to use their same impeccable discernment skills to pick the next Republican candidate for President.
Meanwhile here’s the perfect song for EVERY SINGLE BULLSHITTING RAPTURE PREDICTOR since time began. You are all FULL OF SHIT and should be SUCKED DOWN BODILY INTO HELL WITHOUT EVEN DYING FIRST.