There’s a lot to be said about Dry Runs, even if a whole bunch of people Directly Connected to God swear it’s the real thing every time they predict the rapture. That’s why I am all ready for the upcoming New And Improved End of The World. Well that, and I just KNOW God hates Unprepared people! I know this because He told me so personally when I was on my way home from Wegmans last week, right after I saw His face in a NY Strip steak. I was so excited that he chose Me that I drove home as fast as I could and dug up my old King Crimson album and played it backwards, because everybody knows if you listen to The Court Of The Crimson King backwards, you will hear God, especially if you are smoking some hashish through a straw off a screen over the pop-up hole on a coke can. But nevermind. I merely read about that in some old hippie book.
As you recall, I prepared very carefully for the May 21 End Of The World/Rapture/Judgment/Your Ass Is Grass Day. What’s more, the crackpots who predict these things even provided an Alternate Date this time, just in case they were wrong. Nah, that never happens, right?
It’s not that they were Wrong-Wrong. It’s just that May 21 was “Judgment Day” and now October 21 is the actual enchilada. That’s just three days away! So you don’t have much time! I, on the other hand, am all ready, because I am a Planner and had my Dry Run.
I’m In! Just read the recap below and change the date to October 21. I mean, how cool is this? I hardly have to do any work, which is good! I mean, I hate last-minute packing and crap, don’t you? I mean, how can you ever be sure you are packing right for a Rapture trip anyways? And like, what if your suitcase doesn’t get yanked in the twinkling of an eye along with you? Well, I thought of that too!
And of course, I will be live blogging the Rapture again on October 20. I have to start the night before because, like, if I get snatched up at midnight or something, my Live Blog might be blank if my laptop isn’t channeled with me. I’m not sure the web is up there anyways. In any event, make sure to tune in if you are Left Behind.
For now, I am just going to recap all the questions I had pre-May 21, because I know they are your questions too! Only this time, I know the answers because I already practiced my May 21 fire drill, if you will. But I’m not telling you the answers till October 21, because God doesn’t like a crowd. You are sooooooo jealous!
The Truth Is, The End Of The world is coming and that’s that. Again. Boy, time flies when you are having fun, doesn’t it? The last End Of The World was just five short months ago. I figure it’s okay for me to rerun this post. I mean these evangelical psychos rerun the End Of The World Date all the time, so why can’t I do a rerun too? This ensures I will Forever be Ready!
Oh, and ignore the Subaru Lady mentioned below. She gave us the May 21 drop dead date (‘scuse the pun). She blew it. Now all she has left is a tacky, painted Subaru. Now she’s just an ordinary crazy instead of a prophet. I bet she’s a blast at parties, though, don’t you? I mean everybody must really think they are going to have a good time when they see her coming at them. It’s people like her who make me so excited at the prospect that her followers would want to pick a President — and I know you feel the same way too!
The End of The World as Predicted. And Predicted. And Predicted.
Don’t let the fact that there have been a couple of hundred dates just like this one put you off. This one is Different. They are all different. But this one is Really Different. Just like the Rapture Day in 2009 was Different. The Soothsayer swears it. Again. You have been warned. Again.
Not that I think I will be going with all those good Christians. For starters, I haven’t been married three or four times. That’s a pre-requisite, isn’t it? Also I don’t hate homosexuals and think of ways to torture them. In fact, I have many gay and lesbian friends, so I’m doomed to hell right there.
Still, I’ve decided to prepare “Just in case”. That’s me! Always planning contingencies!
Now I know that all of this is just my way of hedging a very unlikely bet, as I am obviously a comparative heathen and will be staying right here while all those
selfrighteous Extreme Christians will be floating up to heaven, thereby removing themselves from this earth and leaving the rest of us the hell alone for a change. Once there, they can just pick on each other instead of the rest of us. They can spend their days badgering each other and pointing out which two of the Seven Deadly sins they practiced all their lives, which don’t really count–while focusing on the other five and needling everyone else about them. They will have eternity to point out all the slivers in everyone else’s eyes while ignoring the logs in their own. For eternity, they will get to pray one way and live another and do anything they want to do to each other no matter how cruel or dishonest, just so long as they remember to say “I’m sorry” when they get caught. They can also spend eternity getting married. They love them their marriages. That’s why they get married over and over and over again. The Rapture will be truly heaven for them.
I’ve spent years running away from these crackpots and slamming the front door in their faces, and the thought that I might just be spending eternity with them isn’t putting me in a good mood. But you never know, although I’ve known some pastors and congregants who swore they Knew. These same people Know this year. Just like they Knew last year. And the year before. And the year before.
But me? Much as I think I’ll be left here in peace, finally ridding myself of these nutcases who ring my doorbell incessantly when I’m in the shower, I would hate getting caught by surprise! I might be hanging out barefoot and bra-less (which is often) in a ripped T-shirt and my cotton underwear and Poof! I get yanked and look like shit next to all the other people. I mean look at the people in the photo above. They are dressed for church, or at least for dinner at a family values restaurant. Let’s face it, there is nothing worse than being the only under-dressed person in the room. Or the sky. Or wherever.
Okay, help me out, will you? I don’t know what to pack for Doomsday! I try to look at it the way I would look at packing for a trip to Hawaii or something, but it’s just not the same. For one thing, I don’t know where I’ll be staying. And I can’t check the Farmer’s Almanac or Plan the right date. The date is always set for me by somebody I don’t even know or care to know.
I wonder what the weather is like up there and hope that if I am yanked out of my shoes in the twinkling of an eye that my feet won’t be cold. I suppose I could dress warm for the trip because it DOES get cold at around 15,000 feet, and colder the further up you go. So I’ve decided I’m going to dress warm starting at Midnight on May 21, and then if I am sucked upwards, I can just drop my clothes on the remaining people here on earth and they can use them between the gnashing of their teeth. I’ve also decided to wear pants, because I can clearly see by the photo above that somebody left on the ground would easily be able to see my panties. That can’t be right. Of course, since it’s warm here, I might die of heat stroke waiting with all those heavy clothes on and avoid the rush by being sucked up individually before everybody else. Kind of like First Class, you know? That way, I might be able to score a better location where those who epitomize christianity, like Tom Delay, Phyllis Shafly and Rick Santorum, won’t be hanging out. I mean, I like God and everything, but I hardly call hanging out with Pat Robertson and Benny Hinn for eternity my idea of a reward…. Although I might not mind being in Jerry Falwell’s vicinity, considering his Deadly-Sin-That-Didn’t-Count was clearly Gluttony. I mean, good food and wine would be a plus, don’t you think?
Then too, I was thinking: should I pack some food for the trip? You know, something simple, not messy and non-perishable. Some peanut butter crackers, maybe. Stuff like that. And a bottle of water. I mean, you can’t be scarfing a pot roast sandwich at 100,000 feet. That would be messy. I wonder, will I have to share my crackers with some disorganized church gossip? After all, every church has one. Okay, I’ll bring extra crackers.
And that’s another thing: How long does this trip take, anyways? Will I need a change of clothes? Are there bathrooms on the way up, because I KNOW if I get yanked like the story goes, I’m going to need one. It can’t be polite to just lay one on the people Left Behind, can it? And what about the blowback from the wind?
Then there’s the thing with my pets. I mean, if I can’t have pets it ain’t heaven. I don’t care what anybody else says. Still, if I get Yanked, they will be left behind and that would be animal abuse. I hardly call that Getting Right With God, just being sucked up into the ether and leaving your pets with nothing at all. And if you think God likes animal abusers, think again. I mean, you can’t just leave a big bowl of food out for them. So I contacted that atheist group that promises to take care of our pets after the next scheduled Rapture Day . Yeah, I know they are atheists, and they’ve raised their prices now, but golly, according to the rules, they will definitely be left behind gnashing their teeth and things. So they’ll have plenty of time to take care of my pets, although I am not sure my dog isn’t going to digest a few of them before they haul her away.
Okay, let’s face it. Since I strongly believe the Rapture is complete moose poop but very profitable, I’m pretty sure I won’t be going. In fact, who in their right mind, would WANT to go hang out with these people? So, in addition to Preparing Just In Case, I have also decided to make myself helpful to those of you who will be going in the likely event that I am Left Behind. After all, you are going to need someone like me to tie up your loose ends. Face it, you always end up with loose ends when you plan something as big as this, right? That’s where I come in handy!
For starters, I would be more than happy to be the steward of all your bank accounts. It’s a big job but somebody has to do it! Sign here.
If you have any bills, just leave them where they are. Since all of Wall Street won’t be going anywhere except downward, let them worry about it. ACORN has been teaching people to do that for years, so don’t worry about them catching up to you.
Also, there is no sense of wasting your stuff. Waste not, want not! So just leave the key under the mat or that fake rock, and I will be happy to sort through your things. It would be nice if you would itemize what you have for me first as I will be very busy. I also promise to rent storage space for all your mementos in case you get drop-kicked back down here. Knowing how fractious some of you can be, it IS a possibility. So I will store your Stuff. But not your jewelry. I just don’t believe good jewelry should go to waste, do you?
No need to leave me any real estate as I have known plenty of dishonest contractors who will be staying behind, and I will build my own place. I do wonder what Pat Roberston has planned for his diamond mines, though. I mean, you can’t spend years making “charity” flights and stepping over starving bodies in Africa to get to your mines — and then just leave them behind to anybody, you know? I think I’ll fire off an email to Pat about that.
No sense of wasting good automobiles either. I am interested in high-end cars, such as sexy roadsters and high-end SUVs. I mean, since there will be fewer people left here, the gas supply should be no problem. You know what they say……supply and demand. I need to fire off an email to Al Gore about his plane. I could take care of that for him. Anyways, if you have anything made by Chrysler or GM, do not put it on the list.
One more thing: If you are afraid of heights, I simply do not know what to tell you. Just don’t look down.
So get started. You only have a few days. If you have any questions or suggestions, let me know. And just remember, if this Rapture Day doesn’t work out, the
profitsprophets are prepared to designate May 21 as merely “Judgement Day” instead of Rapture Day, and there’s an alternative Rapture Day scheduled for October 21, so stay on your toes. Then you could consider May 21 a dry run and be all prepared!
For further information, see my September 21, 2009 post, Have A Happy Rapture Day.
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