The Onion: Hostages trapped inside Walmart insisting they never shop at Walmart

Since we are discussing Walmart as our future medical clinic location…


41 Responses

  1. “she’s not shopping shopping”. Perhaps we need a 12 step program for people who shop shop at Walmart? The Onion, as usual, bats it out of the ballpark – so funny. And thanks for all the fish (to paraphrase Douglas Adams Hitchhiker’s guide). I’m sure there’s a Forrest Gump explanation for all this denial.Disclaimer, I have been in a Walmart and I have purchased there. They used to be the only place where I could get my Herald Tribune Crossword book.

  2. Walmart provides our rescue shelter with a lot of necessary items that no one else in town will provide. I’m not fibbing, I do go to Walmart. Luckily, I don’t need to buy much anymore.

  3. mcnorman, I once bought their (Walmart) store brand clumping cat litter – never again. I thought that cat litter is the same everywhere – wrong. After that experience, I compared prices, and Walmart is not the least expensive – quite the contrary. Hence if I didn’t really want and need that Herald Tribune Crossword book, I would not darken their doorstep again. That said, I recognize that Walmart has driven a lot of local businesses out of business are are now the only game in town. I’m in an urban area where I have choices – a lot of people do not.

  4. Oh man they stole my live blog idea!!!!!

  5. I was at Wal-Mart for the first time in forever earlier this week. They renovated our local one, so I couldn’t find a damn thing anyway even if I wanted to buy something. I put as my FB status, “Nope, still don’t care for Wal-Mart. See you in another six months to a year, when I get over my aversion to you.” And then the cycle will start over, and I’m disgusted again, and yadda yadda. Guess I’m just too hopeful.

    The sad thing is that it’s the devil or the deep blue sea – Wal-Mart or Target – for many things if you don’t want to pay out the wazoo for a minor thing.

  6. Yeah Imust, they stole your idea.

  7. You must always be careful of which clumping (scoopable) litter you buy. If it contains sodium bentonite, it makes it clump better. It also can form a ball inside your cat after he cleans his paws. No kidding. most clumping litter can kill your cat. They ingest this stuff and it doesn’t dissolve. It has been the cause of many a gastrontestinal problem in cats ( and dogs who snack!). Be careful. Far as I know, there are only two clay clumping litters that do not contain this ingredient, and that’s Cats Pride and johnny cat. I refuse to use any other. Please heed what I am saying here. If it contains sodium bentonite and your cat has recurring problems, chances are GOOD it’s that litter.

  8. I would KILL to write for The Onion.

  9. Hahahahahaha! Disavowed Walmart shoppers.

    Where else can you get fine plastic shoes,
    particle board shelving units, party strobe lights, a vast selection of hair coloring products, car wax, and cake mixes, jumper cables, movie CD’s for 5 bucks, plastic wrap for kitchen or for moving, and luxurious faux leather clothing??? Just think, you are in execellent company! 😉

  10. This is the truth. I have never purchased a thing in walmart. I despise what they have done to communities specifically and the country in general. They are child labor law abusers and have the Dept of Labor by the short and curlies and get away with anything. They put honest businesses out of business and they cost the taxpayers a fortune in medicade costs by helping their slave employees to sign up. I knew about them a long time ago when i did a corporate technical exchange with them. Their goals were clear and not pretty. That was before they got where they are now. They had over 4000 sweatshops in China back in the early 90s and God knows how many they have now. Eventually, if they have their way, they will be your only choice. See how great their prices will be then. They set the agenda for the rest of the country and showed everybody how to exploit illegal aliens and how to outsource anything that isn’t nailed down to China. For all of this, you get to save 20 cents on toothpaste.

  11. Upps, thanks for the info on clumping cat litter. I immediately checked, and my kittehs are okay. I do wish I could cure Zeke from washing his feet in their water bowl, however on the upside, his feet are clean when he jumps on the bed for sleeptime.
    I also despise Walmart. Lately, they haven’t had the new issue of my crossword book, so one more time and I shall never darken their door again for all the reasons you have outlined and a few more. (I do love my crosswords – yes, I’m weird)

  12. UW, you SHOULD write for The Onion.

    Shall we lobby on your behalf?

  13. Crosswords? Weird? Nah. You are one of those smart ones, HT.

  14. Crier, they appear to be doing just fine without me. lol.

  15. UW, then you must imagine just how much GREATER a bunch it would be if they had YOU on board!

  16. Geeze Crier, that fifty bucks I gave you to say nice things about me is really paying off!

  17. I bought some theraflu today. Is this good stuff? I’m staring at the cup and afraid to taste it.

  18. smells like apples and cinnamon. tastes like shit. I have to drink this whole thing? I should have just taken the pills. Jesus. This stuff tastes awful.

    You see that commercial with somebody all snuggled up with a blankey with this steaming cup of therflu and this contented look. This stuff tastes like crap. Somebody should indict these people for lying on Tee Vee.

  19. Aftertaste. Bleck!

  20. Medicine. Egad! That stuff always tastes like a chemistry lab experiment. How about some ginger tea with honey, and maybe a hint of lemon?

  21. On the other hand, if you would like the sinuses drained in torrent of flash, try a couple of habanero peppers. It could leave a lasting impression though.

  22. Uppity and uppitites,

    Hope all that are sick get better soon. I agree with TC ginger tea with honey and lemon tastes a heck of a lot better than theraflu.

    Thanks for the heads up on the kitty litter, I had never heard about that, checked Goof’s litter and it’s okay. No warning labels or sodium bentonite listed. Whew.

  23. TC,

    Peppermint tea is good for the tummy and sinuses. Eucalyptus oil under the nose works well too…

  24. Re: Walmart

    Thankfully I have finally broken the hubby of the habit of going to Wally’s. I haven’t darkened their doors for about 5 years now. Shysters!!

  25. Ummmm, peppermint tea. Eucalyptus oil. Humane alternatives to the fiery peppers.

  26. eucalyptus oil – the best remedy for colds ever – two drops in boiling water; towel over head, inhale deeply – yes perfect Not sure it would work for the flu, particularly with this mutated strain, but tis worth a try.

    TC – I really am weird and not particularly smart, but I cannot stand those easy crossword books. I like a challenge and that is difficult to come by these days. Darn it all anyway, I’m stuck with anacrostics (which are easy) and crosswords that are so simple they make me want to bang my head against the table.

  27. UW–if you don’t like Theraflu, next time try the Alka-Seltzer Plus Flu fizzing tablets. I swear they work, and don’t taste half bad either. Hope you feel better soon.

  28. Crier, the thing is, I need more than just tea. I love peppermint tea but it’s not going to cut it. My sinuses are exploding. My head hurts. I am coughing and my nose is stuffed. I cannot get rid of this damned thing for a whole day. WTF. I’m way past herbs and into shotgun. From the neck up I am suffering.Stomach is fine, don’t need ginger or anything like that. I need decongestant, antihistamine and headache relief. My eyes feel like they are going to blow out of my head. lol. I don’t get it. i’m fine for the whole day and now I feel like I’m at square one again. This is nearly a week now FCS. I did not finish this theraflu. It’s simply vile. Now I can’t even take a decongestant or acetaminophin or much of anything as I have no idea how much medicine I ingested from this cup of vile shit. Soon as I feel better, i am going to email theraflu people and tell them they belong in jail for lying in their commercials about the taste of their SHIT.

    Irland, others told me the alka seltzer cold stuff is the best but I just can’t stand alka seltzer. I will never get it down.

  29. HT you are 100% right about eucalyptus oil and the towel over the hot water. A tried and true remedy that my grandmother taught us all and it DOES work. It’s also great for sinuses.

  30. It’s got a citrus-y taste, and you can dilute it so that it’s not terrible. I bought it by mistake the last time I had the flu, thought I was buying cold pills. By the time I was home and realized my goof, I was beyond anything but my bed, so I plop plop fizz fizz-ed. You have to dose yourself more often, but it WORKED. I’d have choked down just about anything at that point if it was going to make me feel better. I’ve tried Theraflu (BARF); Alka-Selter will taste like nectar compared to that witches brew!

  31. irland, you’re probably right. It can’t be worse than this shit in my cup. I mean the aftertaste is like biting into a tylenol.

  32. Should have got the one with the cough suppressant but then i couldn’t get the decongestant. Buncha crap. They have a zillion different theraflus. The one I really needed also had 1000 mg of acetaminophin which I refuse to take. WHy not just stick a knife in your liver and get it over with.

  33. Increasingly The Onion has better production values and writing than the “real ” TV news. At some one it will take over and no one will noticed…accept to be vaguely aware that the news is better done! Love the Onion!

  34. Oh God, that was so funny! I always mention I’ve never shopped at Walmart, just like in the video! Its funny, the social stigmas we get. Although as Upps says, they are a really shitty corporation.

    Uppity, Theraflu works fairly well. Laker & I like Alka Seltzer Cold or Flu. Works fast. I made a hot spiced cider with rum for us tonite. With a little whip cream on top. Yummy.

  35. Sinus congestion? We use Vicks Vapo-rub. Remember steam vaporizers? And remember when they went off the market because they were a “burn hazard” for children? Idiots. The STEAM is half of the equation FCS. I think they finally brought them back.

  36. I interrupt to say Thank You to our Troops on this Veteran’s Day! May they all come safely home!

  37. Mom, I think the most glaring example of how stupid our congress is……I still remember the HUGE ruckus over mercury in thermometers! Why you would have thought people were dying DAILY! So now what are these morons doing? Why they are soon FORCING us to use CFL light bulbs. With mercury in them. Everywhere in the home!

    And sophie………… rock!

  38. Oh Joy! There are snowmen waiting to be assembled all over my yard.

  39. Theraflu is great if you put a little gin in it.

    Also, put it into a cup of tea with a shot of Jameson’s. Delicious.

  40. Theraflu is great if you put a little gin in it.

    Also, put it into a cup of tea with a shot of Jameson’s. Delicious.

    Well chit, Anthony, it’s not that it tastes any better with all that in it. it’s just that you don’t care!

  41. HT, the rescue will take anything. I don’t buy the Walmart brand. I know better.

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