11:30 pm, Thursday night….Still waiting for Uppity…….
11:55 pm: Luckily, as a former Girl Scout….I’m always prepared! I added a thermos full of hot tea to my Zombie Survival Kit before I left the house! That should thaw me out. Well the doors are about to open and still no sign of Uppity. Looks like I’m on my own for awhile, I’m sure she’s really busy doing something important….like sleeping off her Thanksgiving dinner in her warm cozy home. It’s OK…I can handle things here for a while on my own. Theymustbegettingready to open the doors, I hear a rumbling in the crowd. The good news is, I’m right up front ready to be one of the first customers in…..the bad news is there’s a whole lotta people behind me ready to stampede. This is an all-too familiar, “deja vu-ish” feeling, like a movie I’ve seen before, but this time….I’m in it!
12:00 am…..It’s Black Friday!!! The clerks in their blue vests have come to the door. There’s several rather burly young men who appear to poised to unlock the doors. One of them is peeking out the glass at the crowd behind me growing more restless by the minute……he gives his co-workers a knowing glance and then tosses the keys to a petite female employee nearby….they seem to be using her as bait or a decoy. Ah well, only a womminz….she’s expendable……everyone is pushing forward. It’s wall-to-wall people and I’m getting a lot closer to strangers than I’m usually comfortable with…I’ve got to pick up my stuff and get ready to move. I’ll post again when I’m safely on the inside…….wooo-hooooo!!!!!
12:15 am: I made it! No harm, no foul, (okay maybe some fouls)…safe and sound. The bat in my Zombie Survival Kit did come in handy after all.
I managed to snap a photo of the crowd as it burst into the store:
12:30 am: Email alert on my laptop!!! It’s from Uppity! She’s giving me some directives on the post………hold on……yes Uppity!!!
12:45 am: imustfindtheWalmartClinic for Uppity. But there are so many people in this store I can’t see anything. Wait a minute…..what’s that I hear?
“Whose Walmart?” “Our Walmart!”…..”Whose Walmart? “Our Walmart!” What’s all that mindless chanting?? Could that be the Occupy Wall Street people Occupying Walmart? Imustgetcloser to find out.
1:15 am: I see a group of unshowered men wearing berets and banging drums in a circle. There are no women in the immediate vicinity, wait there’s some of the women over in the housewares department….thismustbe the OWSers! I cautiously approach a man wearing a mask with a wireless earphone, frantically punching the keys of his Blackberry.
ME: “I’m curious sir, are you with Occupy Wall St.?”
OWSguy: “twinkle hands up” sign.
ME: “Are you lost? This is WalMART, not Wall STREET.”
OWSguy: “We’ve been wandering aimlessly since being evicted from our park. You know, we’re a “leaderless” movement….we saw the tent city out front and it felt like HOME! It took us 3 days of hand signals and mic checks to decide to come in!”….. “And besides”……. “They’ve got really good prices on ipads!”
1:30 am: The thermos of tea I drank to thaw out has kicked in so I’m gonna ask the OWmart guy where the restrooms are….
ME: “Can you tell me where the bathrooms are?”
OWmart guy: “Mic Check!!”
CROWD: “CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE?”
ME: (whispering), “Shh…I really need to use to the bathroom.”
CROWD: “I REALLY NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM”
ME: “Will you please stop shouting.”
CROWD: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING!!”
Oh good, there’s a nice Walmart employee!!
ME: “Oh Miss? Miss? Can you help me? I need to find the feminine hygiene products AND the nearest bathroom!”
CROWD: “I NEED TO FIND THE FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS AND THE NEAREST BATHROOM!!”
Okay, that’s it! I’ve had enough….I’m giving them MY special hand signal….twinkle this!
I hear more chanting……”Whose bathroom?” “Our bathroom!” “Whose bathroom?” “Our bathroom!” Maybe those OWmart people can be helpful after all! Whew!
2:00 am: Still searching for the Walmart Clinic. I’m heading toward the Pharmacy. It would make sense to be near there right? Hey, maybe I should follow this guy???
“Hey! Yoohoo! Wait up!! What’s the hurry? Are you on your way to the Walmart Clinic??”
2:30 am: Finally found the Walmart Clinic….it’s just past the cigarettes, between the candy aisle and the liquor section! Oh lookie! Here’s the surgery area!! Conveniently located in the men’s bathroom!
3:00 am: I seem to have developed a bit of a sore throat and cough. I think it’s because of all that time in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. Since I’m here anyway, I might as well have a check up! I’m sure their doctors are all board certified and AMA approved!
3:30 am: Well, I’ve checked out the clinic. I wonder if Uppity has any other assignments for me? I’m getting hungry. Time for a little something to eat. Uppity recommended the “Little Debbie” cakes. I may check those out later for an energy boost as I walk through the aisles. You know, you don’t have to pay for anything you eat when you’re shopping as long as you keep moving. Uppity says she can put a whole “Little Debbie” cake in her mouth at once! Isn’t she such a multi-talented Uppity Woman!!
If I’m not mistaken, Walmart has a McDonald’s inside the store. Not exactly healthy fare, but it’s filling, and something about the surroundings makes me crave greasy food.
You know, now that I think about it…..I probably should skip the junk food. Our beautiful fashion icon and First Lady of the World, Michelle Obama is always
lecturing counseling us about the importance of healthy eating. She even has her own organic vegetable garden on the White House Lawn that she planted with her own two hands!! I really should heed her example. [Head whips around doing a double take] What the Heck!!! Look who’s behind me in line at the Walmart McDonalds!! Can that be…??? Nah…….they don’t serve arugula and steak at McDonalds!!! And I know french fries would never touch our FLOTUS’ lips!!
4:30 am: Delicious! Michelle and I had a Big Mac with bacon, an extra-large order of fries, shake….and of course, an apple PIE! I haven’t heard from Uppity in a while, but I did hear my arteries hardening. *Mental note: Stop by the angioplasty machine next to the Dr. Scholls foot massage in the plumbing aisle before I leave.
5:00 am: I’ve been here for 5 hours and I haven’t done any Christmas shopping. Time to find a shopping cart and head over to the electronics department to see what amazing “Black Friday” Deals are left!
5:30 am: It’s taken me 1/2 hour to get to the Electronics Department.
But it’ll be worth it. I hear they have X-Box 360’s on sale!
6:00 am: Well since I can’t find any good “Door Buster” deals. I probably should just make my way home. But Black Friday will not kill my Christmas Spirit! How about a nice holiday tune? It is after all, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”
I wonder if there will be any leftover Thanksgiving PIE when I get home??
Did someone mention PIE?
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