The Onion: Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year’s Must-Have Holiday Gifts

Yet more chinese crap inundates our shores and kills people. Get some now! You can use Chinese paint to paint that toxic Chinese drywall and kill the whole family off at once. Saves time!

88 Responses

  1. Silly Pillsbury Doughboy is such an obvious serial adulterer that he has to sign a fidelity pledge to run for president.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/12/newt-gingrich-marriage-fidelity_n_1144112.html

  2. Did he “double pinky swear?”

  3. Silly Imust, you know that he can’t double pinky swear anymore…the fingers have all merged together.

  4. I can understand why he is the front runner. Seriously the things you learn about republicans while watching morning Joe. I’d love to shove a sock in Joe’s mouth sometimes but he and his guests do explain the republican mind pretty well. Newt may be crazy as hell and not the least bit conservative, but he seems like a fighter and that he could take on Obama in a debate and that is what republicans want. With Romney you just get the white Obama…. a dead fish with more experience even if he can’t read a teleprompter as well. I think Obama could make Romney look silly in a debate at this point, now that he has been in the white house for a few years.
    Who knows if Newt will shoot himself in the foot now or not. He may have peeked too early and there is still time for him to shove one of his fat, sweaty, fungus covered, feet in his mouth.

  5. Aesop understood ahead of time what will happen.

    Sorry, but Newt won’t be the candidate.

    Anybody care to wager?

  6. Disclosure warning: I already collected on Cain and Perry.

  7. We are going to have to hurry or the Chinese will catch up on us with medications – especially those for women – that make young ones, many health complications and old ones, shovel ready.

  8. Twandx, there’s nothing a little melamine can’t fix!

  9. The Onion: Renewable, sustainable energy source found to be encoded in Charlie Sheen’s rants.

  10. FDA Official: Just eat a goddamned vegetable once in awhile.

  11. Agreed, Newt will not be the candidate.

  12. Army pairs female soldiers with male chaperones.

  13. Expect newt rant thursday. It’s done but we have lorac wednesday and I get lynched if lorac wednesday doesn’t happen. In fact, I want to lynch myself if lorac wednesday doesn’t happen.

  14. Newt coming back from the grave makes me think I must have died and went to hell.

  15. As sad as it may seem – that last onion piece on the female soldiers having chaperones is NOT as far-fetched as it may seem. Going WAY back to when my sister was in the military- and continuing on today- NO female serving in an Islamic country is allowed off base unescorted. Arms, legs and heads must be covered. No sun bathing. No short tops showing skin. No short sleeved shirts- no shorts at all.
    This applies not only to the soldiers- but to military and diplomatic family members on accompanied tours.
    My sister was denied a posting to Turkey- she is a redhead- and they apparently are highly desirable in the white slavery trade and therefore at very high risk for kidnapping.
    PIGS!
    Can we not find a way to wall them in to their caves and leave them there?

  16. Oh super, Mom. We spent trillions fighting their savagry and placate their savagry while we do it. THere’s a Winning situation..

  17. I hear ya, Santa Klown. This would make me stay home for sure next November.

  18. If the powers that be do not put up a candidate I do not have to hold my nose to vote for, I am staying home. I am NOT listening to any arguments about having to vote for x because y is worse.
    I did not vote for Obama in 08 and I am NOT doing it in ’12 either. Not if Satan himself was running against him.

  19. And here’sssssssss a responseeeeee.

  20. If only they had asked him his life story!

  21. PMM,

    I have decided that I’m writing in Hillary. Done!!

    On news of the bizarre and strange: (Reuters) – Reality TV star and property mogul Donald Trump said on Tuesday to protect his possible run for the presidency as an independent he would not moderate a planned debate among Republican hopefuls.

  22. […] have to disagree with Uppity. Newt might pull it […]

  23. Hell has frozen over in Pakistan – Hillary must have threatened their bankroll —

    New laws protect women from abuse in Pakistan

    “We can’t really get good results until the laws are implemented at the grassroots level,” she added. The two bills containing the new laws, which received final approval from the Senate on Monday, stiffened the punishment for acid attacks and criminalized practices such as marrying off young girls to settle tribal disputes and preventing women from inheriting property.

    http://www.mail.com/news/world/908378-laws-protect-women-abuse-pakistan.html

  24. I wonder if maybe we actually did have the Big Nuke Party back in the “Raygun” Dark Ages, and we’re all dead, and this is Hell. It would explain SO much. 😈

  25. Looks like some ME rulers private pics may get dumped.

    Meanwhile, the Syrian President’s advisor Buthaina Shaaban has allegedly threatened to expose sex tapes involving rulers from Gulf countries. Shaaban briefed a delegation from the Syrian community residing in region after a meeting was held with Bashar Al-Asad. The advisor reportedly said, “officials from Gulf countries will be shown what ‘trump’ cards we have after we release their sex tapes to internet websites.

    http://www.kuwaittimes.net/read_news.php?newsid=ODYyMDI2MzE3NA%3D%3D

  26. Videos. As if we don’t already know they are hypocritical shitbag goatfuckers.

  27. Ever seen the Awkward Family Photo website, myiq? It’s priceless.

  28. Monster, if not dead, at least mortally wounded. And I think the residual mutant thing happened to our politicians.

  29. Hey Why Not. Did you know those pigs in Iran have a special law that allows men to marry women for an hour so they don’t have to admit being Johns? This way it’s not a ‘sin’.

  30. Careful about those writeins, Goofs. Check and see the rules in your state about where write-in names get counted. In some states, the go to the party candidate.

  31. We’ll get to see the favorite porn goats UW. You know, the ones that are virginal AGAIN.

  32. “The Porn Goats” would be a great name for a rock band.😈

  33. Yes, it would monster.

  34. That goat wasn’t the winner of the beauty pageant myiq2xu, but she could win Ms. Congeniality. You know that those guys luv the pageant girls.

  35. Hi Uppity & Uppityites! Hope you’re all doing well. This joke went around my job today and I thought you guys might like it:

    The New, New Math

    I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
    took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents
    from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the
    nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
    I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two
    quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
    explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried… Why do
    I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since
    the 1960s:

    1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school)

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
    production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

    2. Teaching Math In 1970s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
    production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Math In 1980s
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
    production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

    4. Teaching Math In 1990s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
    production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline
    the number 20.

    5. Teaching Math In 2000s

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
    inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
    preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
    of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
    class participation after answering the question: How did the birds
    and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are
    no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).

    6. Teaching Math In 2010

    Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
    producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

    ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is
    just a front for his pot farm.

  36. ROFL…perfect joke.

  37. UW, are you still out there?

  38. Once again I agree with Uppity – Newt ain’t happenin’. It’s going to be Romney. I really wish we didn’t have to keep repeating ourselves, Upps.😉

    Why does everyone think it would be so difficult to beat Obama in a debate? Apparently that’s the latest reason for considering Newt? What a joke! Obama is one of the worst debaters I’ve ever seen. Michele Bachmann could wipe the floor with him, simply because she is poised and sticks to talking points. Of course she’s a total liar and insane, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t mastered the debating skill.

    Obama simply cannot open his mouth without generating a word fog that numbs the brain and makes the attention wander. A good debater talks in short sound bytes and provides simple, clear answers to questions. Obama will never be able to do that because he is too in love with the sound of his own voice.

    Nonetheless, Romney has a strong chance of beating Obama, and Newt doesn’t. Therefore, Willard it will be.

  39. From the AP:

    Defiant Republicans pushed legislation through the House Tuesday night that would keep alive Social Security payroll tax cuts for some 160 million Americans at President Barack Obama’s request — but also would require construction of a Canada-to-Texas oil pipeline that has sparked a White House veto threat.

    Passage, on a largely party-line vote of 234-193, sent the measure toward its certain demise in the Democratic-controlled Senate, triggering the final partisan showdown of a remarkably quarrelsome year of divided government.

    So then what happens?

  40. I agree with you on the dubious debating skills of Barack, madamab. But, like in everything else about his much-vaunted/non-existent skills, the meme is to the contrary. He’ll win debates because the MSM will declare him to be ‘the winner.’ Having said all that, I agree that mittens will be the nominee, not Newt.

  41. Doesn’t The Donald realize that he’s become a joke on the possible-running-for-prez front? I mean, the guy is never going to run because he’s never going to make the necessary financial disclosure; that’s an open-and-shut case. He should stop jerking around his potential supporters.

  42. Killer goat pageant photo, mcnorman! Sheeesh…we don’t even have to photo-shop for our goat-effer-themed comments.

  43. lorac, the truth (a.k.a, Uppity) is out there. [Cue music from “The X-Files”.)

  44. lol NES.. she’s everywhere! She’s in the air we breathe, the thoughts we think! 🙂

    Well, UW, I just wanted to say, I’m working on my post for tomorrow, but I saw you have a post ready to go – I’m totally fine with you putting it up for tomorrow – mine can go up the next day or whatever! No problemo! I’ll just keep working, but if you let me know, I won’t schedule mine for the morning so you can put yours up.

  45. I was interested in Trump originally, because at least he seems to know a lot about money – I’m so worried about the economy and I never hear him talking about messing with people’s personal lives. But I think he just makes people skittery now, and they’d be afraid to vote for him in many numbers now – which means he’d just split the vote and help Obama win. Originally I thought maybe he could get enough republicans and independents to make a good challenge. Now – now he’d just be trouble. (that’s assuming this ever became more than a game to him and he really DID run)

  46. lorac, upthread Upps noted that she’ll post her Newtie piece on Thurs., leaving “Lorac Wednesday” to, well,…you. Just my two cents.

  47. myiq, why do you say that? Doesn’t Romney need some support from the TP, and wouldn’t a TP’er like O’Donnell be in a position to get him some support in that fringe? I know she’s not the brightest bulb, but she’s just endorsing him….

  48. @NES She’s a beauty.

  49. Ah you have to hand it to the Chinese. They are so much smarter then we.
    If only we had stopped spending all that money trying to find a place to dump our nuclear waste and put it into paint and food etc and gave it to the ME. See they have us one upped. They dump it in all the crap our country brings in and since our country has bankrupted the working folks it is all they can afford. Come to think of maybe it was a plan to dispose of us boomers before we demand our entitlements.
    Hey got to hand it to the good old boys I think they finally came up with a working plan at that lmao.

  50. If only we had stopped spending all that money trying to find a place to dump our nuclear waste and put it into paint and food etc and gave it to the ME. See they have us one upped.

    lol good one, Utah!

  51. No worries NES, Gary Busey is endorsing Newt.

    There you go…the race for the crackpots’ endorsements is underway. I predict Newt wins that race.

  52. At the risk of being served crow…..I predict Newt will get the nomination. Romney has always had a ceiling. Strange times we’re living in.

  53. I’m saved from making predictions. Since I don’t eat meat, I can’t take the chance of having to eat crow!

  54. Remember gang, the TP influenced primaries. But they got some kicked ass in general elections. The public at large is NOT the tea party, nor are they OWSERS. Pcking the wrong candidate could give Obama the general election.

    Utah, all that lead China keeps feeding us makes kids stupid. Don’t they know we already have enough stupid kids in the USA?

  55. lorac, I’ve always thought Trump was at least 50% actor.

    He does have a problem with disclosure because the first thing he does when he nears disclosure is run as fast as he can.

  56. OMG, Christine O’Donnell is still around? Who told her that the endorsement from a LOSER is worth something. Somebody from the newt camp must have slipped her a few bucks. Hahahah.

  57. Hey Madamab, do what I do. Make money bets. I’ve already racked up on the dimbulb Perry and that One eyed trouser snake, Cain.

  58. Obama is a HORRIBLE debater. He can’t handle things without a teleprompter. He’s a moron at a debate! Remember how they made sure Hillary went first all the time so Barack could mimic her ideas or bounce off them. The man can NOT think on his feet. The true sign of mediocre in politics. And I’m not so sure all those beaten down Americans give a shit what the MSN says any longer. YOu can take an empty box and wrap it in expensive paper, put lovely bows on it, but inside it’s still an empty box. America has been gifted with an empty box and now they know it.

  59. NES said: Newt hits 40 percent!

    I’m beginning to think there is a herd mentality at play here.

  60. A Newt in the general is an Obama win. There are far too many baby boomers in the USA who remember what an asshole Newt and his Other Self Dick Armey were. The Independents will balk. Disinfranchised Democrats won’t vote for Newt. I believe this primary will go the distance. It won’t be decided in Iowa or New Hampshire like days gone by. This primary will have to reach NORMAL Republicans.

  61. Hey Upps! Have to call the endo doc tomorrow, well today. I’m getting very proficient at applying orajel to a tooth I can’t see all the surfaces of. Just broke down and took 1/2 a Vicodin. Smooth steaming ahead. LOL!

  62. A Newt in the general is an Obama win. There are far too many baby boomers in the USA who remember what an asshole Newt

    Ah yes, a hissy fit over a “rear” seat on AF One with Bill and he shuts down the govt for 3 weeks.

  63. Hey McNorman’s goat photo! Is it my imagination or all those guys looking at her butt?

  64. Fredster, the endo will fix things and no more pain.

  65. Yeah, imust has fallen into the crow-eating trap. Is Utah going to cook this one too?

  66. lorac, we could make you eat a veggie you really, really, really hate. (No cheating now!) It would then be shaped to look like a crow.

  67. NES Utah has full creative rights and decision making control of all crow dinners. I would worry.

  68. YOu can take an empty box and wrap it in expensive paper, put lovely bows on it, but inside it’s still an empty box. America has been gifted with an empty box and now they know it.

    Empty Box = Empty Suit.

  69. Upps said: Fredster, the endo will fix things and no more pain.

    It will hurt when I write the check. 😦

  70. Ah yes, a hissy fit over a “rear” seat on AF One with Bill and he shuts down the govt for 3 weeks.

    Worse than that…he causes Monica to don a thong and deliver a pizza to the Oval. (Something about pizza makes men horny — see, WJC and Herm.)

  71. The truth is worse than your imagination (on the goat), Upps.
    Goat’s a beauts tho’!

  72. Well, as of tonight, imustmustworrytoo.

  73. NES said: Worse than that…he causes Monica to don a thong and deliver a pizza to the Oval. (Something about pizza makes men horny — see, WJC and Herm.)

    Must be a straight thing.

  74. Quite — A straight thOng thAng.

  75. @NES: LOL!!!

  76. Thanks Fredster!
    Say, I loved that test you gave Jay at the neighbor’s. I wonder if you’d post the test here — I’m curious to see if UWers test as I did, this being a majority chick site, and all.

  77. I like the way we call John our “Neighbor’s Place”. I would submit that we call Widdershins our Other Neighbor’s Place. After all, we need neighbors on both sides. It’s a suburb thing!

  78. I second that motion, Upps!

  79. I needed a cigarette after reading that.

  80. Quite — A straight thOng thAng.

    Picked on again. Sigh…

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