Yes Yes, that’s right folks.
Whether you believe in God or not, He overwhelmingly chooses Pat “Diamond Mine” Robertson to reveal really important things. It is good to know that God is so discerning. He appears on cheese sandwiches, on walls in subways wherever there is a leak, and occasionally He talks to the only remaining kind, moral and godlike man on earth since Jerry Falwell slumped over from too many hot meals during his lifelong effort to remove Gluttony from the list of Deadly Sins.
Yes it is true. Unlike the Old Days, when God would appear to poor, innocent, suffering little girls destined for Sainthood in places like Portugal, God has currently determined that only one human on earth is worthy of His comraderie: Pat Robertson. This is why Pat has so…um…religiously given us God’s messages through the years.
Do you not recall when Pat told the world that he predicted 911 to his flock of
suckers followers? God told him it was coming. Of course, nary a soul could confirm that he predicted it, and all those videos of him bragging on it disappeared, but what the heck! At least he remembered to blame homosexuals for the entire event. Then there was the time when he blamed the Haiti earthquake on the fact that those damned Haitians turned to the devil. Let us also not forget how satan possessed us Hillary supporters too, and that is why Pat and God endorsed that bastion of integrity (and the coveted multiple marriages God so loves!) Rudy Giuliani in 2008.
I’m here to tell you that God and Pat are baaaaack! Right on cue! Pat is here on behalf of God to tell you that God has once again chosen him. God has told Pat what inquiring minds want to know. He told Pat who the next President is going to be. However, there’s a catch. The catch is, God told Pat he is not to reveal that answer. Think of God saying, “This is just between you and Me, buddy!”.
“I think He showed me about the next president, but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it’s gonna be,” Robertson said Tuesday on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club.”
Cool! God told Pat not to reveal the name unless he is on his show collecting money.You will donate, right?
According to Pat, although he is to save the revelation for his Tee Vee show, God did tell him it’s all right to reveal the rest of what God told him, though — and isn’t it simply astounding how it just happens to match up with Pat’s own opinion.
Now, I want you to know that this is an extensive conversation God had with Pat. Pat didn’t tell us where he was when God told him all this, but it’s probably a good guess that it wasn’t during one of those times when Pat and God stocked up his “Flying Hospital Plane” with mining equipment and headed for Africa to
check out his diamond mine help the sick and needy.
Pat hasn’t mentioned if this was the same conversation during which God told him that Alzheimer’s disease is an acceptable reason for divorce. Apparently, God loves him those Evangelical multiple marriages and all good Christians have been blessed with the abililty to toss their current spouses into nursing homes and get their jollies and womanly services someplace else. The laundry would pile up, otherwise!
That God! He’s such a kidder, isn’t He?? Why, he thinks in confused cryptic, mean and angry mumbo-jumbo spew, just like Pat Robertson! We know this for a fact, because Pat reads God’s words from the GodNotes™ he writes down while God talks to him.
Like Pat said, God told him he can’t reveal who the next President will be, but you can bet that the day after Election 2012, whomever is President will be the exact same person God named to Pat. Pat will tell you so!
Meanwhile, Pat does have permission from the Lord to express his own political opinion while continuing to be tax-exempt.
Okay, God and Pat, let it rip! (Sorry it’s the Turk, I couldn’t find another youtube at 3 AM. But still, he does cover the absurdity and con-job that is Pat Robertson)
Well that’s new and enlightening!
***Note: The author is most grateful that God did not tell Pat to smite her during the preparation of this post.
Whose lightning! My lightning!
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