A Poly Sci Lesson From Cows

Okay, I know this has been around a few times and more than a few years. But it’s a stark reminder of just how screwed the world really is thanks to guys who keep pretending My Penis Is Bigger Than Yours.

Guaranteed to offend absolutely everyone. We are an Equal Opportunity insulter. But note that a Chinese Corporation is not specifically mentioned. Write one. You know you want to. How about this for starters?


You have two cows. The government takes both cows and all your kids. The kids get a nice cot above the Microsoft factory. You will see them again when they are 21. The cows are eaten by favored government employees. The scraps are processed and shipped to the USA in baby food jars.


You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’ s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.  The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
You have millions of cows. They  make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold liked the ones with the big udders.


68 Responses


    You don’t have cows. You have Hogs. Your Hogs get out of their pen and ambush a bunch of Wildcats. The Wildcats put up a good fight, but your Hogs kick their butts. However, your Hogs do need to beware larger cats, such as Tigers, and certain natural phenomena such as Tides. Still, life is good. :mrgreen:


    No cows…..just Cow PIES from the left and from the “progressive” BULLS who used to be on the right, the media bulls who are owned by the corporate bulls, and all the bulls and cows and especially calves who feel guilty about about what happened to all the chickens that came home to roost.

    Oh….the cows, who are just wominz….cleaned up all the cow PIES, cuz that’s what wominz do.

  3. Ah I love when Uppityites get their creative juices flowing.


    You have two cows. The government takes both cows and all your kids. The kids get a nice cot above the Microsoft factory. You will see them again when they are 21. The cows are eaten by favored government employees. The scraps are processed and shipped to the USA in baby food jars.

  5. LOL- wish I could think of something witty to say- but started working on taxes. Blech. I am sure there is plenty of material- Scots raiding cattle is an old tradition after all. lol Well, the Irish too. I’ll have to think about it.

  6. 9 year old escapes kidnapper and calls police. Bless her heart. Cockroach arrested. Hopefully somebody will kill the bastard in jail so that the world can be a little bit better place.

    1. That cockroach was the girl’s next door neighbor. Do you not just want to feed him to your dog?

    2. Mom, I’m going get my tax stuff collected as late as humanely possible.

    3. This post is udder nonsense.

    4. Do you not just want to feed him to your dog?

      That’s animal cruelty.

    5. upps said (I’m going get my tax stuff collected as late as humanely possible.)
      me too,, 🙂

    6. lol they aren’t going to be writing a check to me and I will have to write one to them, so what’s the hurry.

    7. i love that commercial.

    8. I loove your site. Again, funny, witty and smart as always…

    9. What !! You mean the IRS writes folks checks ??? When the Hell did that happen ? lmao. Oh yea you have to have kids, or low income or boat loads of write offs. I am screwed. They will get my check on the seventeenth and not a day sooner. Sure as heck wish we would go to flat tax. Everyone pays not just the few in the you’re screwed category.


      You are brought in as a consultant to work on a SharePoint tool. You do some diligence (which they didn’t do) and find out they don’t have an environment for the tool to be developed, tested or built.

      You spend several weeks trying to get a place to build a partially-working prototype. You finally get the site, but you don’t have the tool to build the prototype. You put in an order for the tool. Two weeks later the order is canceled with no explanation and no recourse except to find the person who canceled it and convince him to change his mind. You are also missing another tool you will need. You still have no test or production environment. Your assignment is up in three weeks. You have been getting up every Monday at 4:30 am to fly into the client’s office every week for this assignment.

      You wish you were working for the French corporation.

    11. “You wish you were working for the French corporation.”


    12. District of Columbia Corporation

      You only have shadow cows. Shadow cows have no vote because you are not a real state and Uncle Sam owns most of your real estate. You are paid to live in Uncle Sam’s basement and Uncle Sam pays for all the shiny objects and Cheetos.


      Alien cows from deep space with cybernetic enhancements arrive and transform your cows into cybercows that can talk. They then begin to take over the world, calmly lowing their motto, “Resistance is futile. You will be assiMOOlated”. 😈

      Thank Haruhi, their cybernetic components run Windows 3.1, so it’s not difficult to incapacitate them. :mrgreen:


      You have two cows. You use your secret Tantalus Field to make all your neighbors vanish and then you take their cows.


      Your cows are invisible, so you lose them. You fail. 😛


      You have two cows. You gain many more by using green-skinned space hotties to distract the other ranchers while you rustle their cows. :mrgreen:


      You don’t raise cows, because your people gave up eating meat long ago. You raise grains, fruits, and veggies, since that is a more logical use of your planet’s scarce fresh water.

      Live long and prosper. 🙂

    18. Poor Madamab. SHe works for NAMELESS AMERICAN CORPORATION.

    19. Poor Poor Goldman Sachs employees got their bonuses cut and call ita “bloodbath”. Boo F’king Hoo.

    20. Taliban is already taken, so:


      You own two cows, but you can’t get any more because your bull is gone. Your bull suicide-bombed a slaughterhouse because he believed he’d get 72 virgin heifers in the afterlife. 😈


      You used to own cows and many other farm animals, but two of your pigs named Napoleon and Snowball organized the other pigs and ran you off your old farm. The pigs run it now.

      In case you don’t get the joke, run a search for Orwell’s Animal Farm. I read it in either 8th or 9th grade, I’m not sure which. 🙂


      As with the Vulcan Corporation, you just grow crops. You tried to keep animals once, but they all left to form a theatrical company. When you tried to stop them, that sow with the long blonde hair laid some of her chopsocky upside your head. 😈

      If I’m overdoing this, Uppity, just say so and I’ll hush. :mrgreen:


      You own two cows and a bull, but you can’t breed any more cattle because the poor bull can’t figure out how to remove the cows’ compulsory burqas. 😛

    24. Geeze I dunno, Monster. What do you think?

    25. Haha! Funny post, haven’t seen it in a long time. Our sci-fi loving Uppityite is on a roll I see! Way to go Monster!

      Also love the commercial with the cute “California Girl” cows!


      You have two cows. The foodies want to drink the milk raw, but the vegans won’t hear of it. One member insists we drink the milk at 1%, not because she’s a diehard capitalist, but because she wants the cream for pie. MKBill fights her for the cream. We debate the breed of our cows with everyone posting argument-supporting videos from YouTube, even some with fake California cows. Some clown from another blog comes and stirs a turd into the milk and someone else says that proves hes a Republican Ratfocker. Later the cows, their milk, the cream pie, and the turd appear in the Header. MKBill is pissed. Still, life is good. Pass the Bosco.

    27. Brava SophieCT!!! Yeehaw! Very good!

    28. Ha good ones you guys! I can’t compete!

    29. Anyone else see the Bill Moyers segment on Crony Capitalism? (http://vimeo.com/35372114)

      We’ve been talking about a number of these things right here.

    30. I watched Bill Moyers last night. What a relief to have this smart, thoughtful, voice still around. He said what we’ve been saying all along. I hope his audience will grow and grow.

      BTW: Senator Kirk of IL had a stroke over the weekend and is recovering from surgery in which part of his skull was removed to relieve swelling.

    31. Also, this thread has had me laughing from the start. You all are simply the best ! and now I’m off to bed.

    32. “Later the cows, their milk, the cream pie, and the turd appear in the Header. ”

      As you wish.

    33. We’re gonna have a turd in our header? I get two votes and say No.

    34. On a bittersweet day for Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, the outgoing congresswoman spent her final hours in Tucson as the city’s U.S. representative, finishing the meeting she started on the morning she was shot and bidding farewell to constituents who supported her through a long recovery.

      It may not be the end, though. The woman whose improbable recovery captivated the nation promised, “I will return.”

    35. The French Corporation has somewhat a good idea. Wine, please. Forget the cows.

    36. I hope she makes a comeback. If anyone can, its her. I can’t believe she’s come so far after being shot in the head. Incredible.

    37. I wonder how many people made “Bosco” their pin # after George Costanza in Seinfeld.

    38. Can’t forget the cows….we need cheese with the wine!

    39. Yes, we need milk for cereal.

    40. Orange juice is quite tasty on cereal 🙂

    41. Orange juice is quite tasty on cereal

      Oh bleck!

    42. Milk for Oreo dipping?

    43. milk for chocolate cake?

    44. lorac said: Orange juice is quite tasty on cereal

      So is Bailey’s Irish Cream.

    45. yeah imust, love that forbes piece. Remember obama bleating throughout the primary season about how he didn’t want to ‘go back’ to the Clinton years. He WISHES!

      Wish I had the energy to write that one up.

    46. Some first-year Goldman analysts received $40,000 bonuses, and some second-year analysts received bonuses between $40,000 and $56,000, according to Dealbreaker. Business Insider notes that these bonuses can amount to half of these junior bankers’ base salaries.

      In fact, some Goldman Sachs bankers and traders learned that they were taking home no bonuses at all, the Wall Street Journal reports. And on top of that, the firm halved the total pay of some partners — the company’s highest-level employees — while some traders got hit even harder.

      There’s always Walmart, Target, McDonalds, etc.

    47. Damn right, Fredster. Screw the whole lot of them. I hope they get a nice long and painful taste of what they helped to give everyone else. F*ck them.

    48. Clinton:

      •GDP growth: +3.6% average annual growth – from $7.5 trillion in 1993 to $9.9 trillion in 2000•Disposable income growth: +3.5% average annual growth — from $5.5 trillion in 1993 to $7.3 trillion in 2000
      •Employment growth: +2.3 million jobs/year – from 120 million to 138 million
      •Unemployment rate decline: 0.41% per year – from 8% to 4.7%
      •Inflation decline: This is the one area where things got worse as inflation actually increased an average of 0.05% per year – from 3.3% to 3.7%
      •Deficit reduction: -$48 million per year – from a budget deficit of $255 billion to a surplus of $127 billion
      •Stock market increase: +17.4% a year – from an S&P 500 of 433 to 1,343

      How bout you Bawak? Loser!

      Clinton was such an exceptional leader that when he entered office a Gallup poll of public confidence in the economy was at an all-time low and in the summer of 2000, months before the end of his term, that same poll indicated public confidence in the economy at an all-time high.

      How bout YOU Bawak?

    49. Upps: As long as they don’t ask for individual govt bailouts.

    50. Funny how many in America don’t even make that kind of entire salary, let alone bonus.

    51. crier: I’m sure the BMW, Audi, Infinity and MB dealers in Manhattan are crying the blues too.

    52. The largest bonus I ever got at any job was $50

    53. The largest bonus I ever got at any job was $50

      Calling crime-stoppers doesn’t count.

    54. Wow, I didn’t mean to kill the thread and run everyone off.

    55. Well this ought to be interesting:


      I need a how-to guide for this.

    56. Not many are up and about at these hours, Fredster. :mrgreen:

    57. They sometimes have the west-coasters still hanging around. No biggie.

    58. I live in the Arkanshire (Central Time Zone), but I work nights.

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