Where in the World is Uppity??

***UPDATED BELOW***

Member Why Not? has been so distraught since Uppity decided to take a break from blogging that he/she decided to go on an Uppity Woman hunt!  Naturally, Why Not? began the hunt in the most obvious places…….

Just saw Uppity at Walmart. She’s talking to the friendly Walmart greeter – something about how she would rather eat a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger, laced with grease from Donna Brazile’s mama’s cooking, than blog on her blog about voting for democrat or a republican in this year’s election.

Here’s the alleged greeter that the alleged Uppity spoke with:

“It could’ve been the real Uppity Woman I spoke with……she told me she thought that I had left the building. Didn’t quite get what she meant by that, but she seemed pretty riled up. Have y’all checked Las Vegas?”

Uh oh. She’s heading to produce. OMG! She’s juggling Cantaloupes and shouting: “Attention Walmart Shoppers, Get your Salmonella Cantaloupes before the FDA and CDC recalls them in a month or two!”

‘Yeah, there was a lady juggling cantaloupes here a little while ago….she taught me a few tricks and then asked if I liked ribs…strange question….”

What the hell! She just hijacked a guy’s shopping cart scooter! She’s yelling for everyone to follow her to the pharmacy and “sign up for a reduced-price prescription card – only $10,000 a year – courtesy of ObamaCare!”

“This is Susie Clairol Girl reporting from a local Walmart in upstate New York. Reduced priced prescription cards are now on sale, for a limited time, according to a Walmart employee who would only indentify herself as “UW”. Back to you Jim.”

Geeze! She’s made a u-turn and is heading into the women’s clothing department! Clothes are flying! I can hear her singing: “The last time I saw Paris China…. the smell of sweat-shops in the air…”

Uppity was here!

Shit! Here comes security… she just stood up on the scooter seat. She’s putting on a t-shirt… that says…

If you think Walmart is a crazy kind of fun place to be, visithttps://uppitywoman08.wordpress.com
….UppityWoman – Deal with it!

Why Not? is not done yet searching for Uppity. Here was her most recent post:

I’ll let you all know when I land in New York. We ALL know there’s only one Needlenose and I’ve got the picture.

I’m renting an ultra-lite for the first few days and hopefully can spot that Scarecrow.

No doubt, from what she says, she can out run me, so once I get the location, I’ll rent a scooter, gas mask, bullet-proof vest, portable wine rack – and definitely have a pack of CIGS on me – to break the ice.

All suggestions would be helpful as we all know this search and find mission falls into the category of Close Encounters of the UppityWoman Kind. So, pray for me with one of those four foot rosaries, light a candle and call the rapture guy to reserve me a spot on the next flight out.

Yes, I know it’s last call for me, but someone’s got to do it. I love you all and will miss you terribly.
:grin:

Good luck Why Not?!! Godspeed! And definitely keep us posted………

*******UPDATE FROM WHY NOT*****

I just got a call. A mountain-climbing friend of mine said he’s pretty sure it’s Uppity Woman that’s standing on the summit, calling it “BEEN HER!” and writing the 12 Commandments to the Third Wave…

1. Thou Shalt not be so dumb to think that Hillary Doesn’t Speak for You!
2. Thou Shalt not climb onto skyscrapers, call them shoes, break an ankle more than once and call it fashion!
3. Thou Shalt learn to recognize the Yin and Yang in catch phrases like: Hope and Change!
4. Thou Shalt not cast your Vote to repeat a history that hates you!
5. Thou Shalt not Believe indiscriminately
6. (She’s still on # 6)…..

Never mind. It’s definitely an imposter on the mountain.

6. Thou Shalt call Ms. Magazine a “movement”

“Thou Shalt Not Anger the Woman Known as The Uppity.”

(She’s probably just having a Beer Summit with the Slugs but, I swear, I’m going to find her and, and, and… I haven’t exactly figured that part out, yet.)

Slug drinking beer………………..

Oops…..wrong photo……..

An Uppity Beer Summit

96 Responses

  1. I’m sensing some withdrawl here. hahaha

    Kudos imust and why not.

  2. Ditto that. Very funny stuff you guys!

  3. Thank you…..thank you very much…..

    Seriously, I hope Why Not? doesn’t mind [gulp]!
    And mods, if you have something else scheduled, please feel free to bump this, I just did it on an impulse.

  4. I’m seriously lawling here😀

  5. Fabulous, imust!! Thanks for the big laugh today. And yes, we do miss you, Upps! Godspeed!

  6. ROTFL!!! (I’m pleading drunk….. out of my mind with worry)

    Seriously. ( 😉 )

    I just got a call. A mountain-climbing friend of mine said he’s pretty sure it’s Uppity Woman that’s standing on the summit, calling it “BEEN HER!” and writing the 12 Commandments to the Third Wave…

    1. Thou Shalt not be so dumb to think that Hillary Doesn’t Speak for You!
    2. Thou Shalt not climb onto skyscrapers, call them shoes, break an ankle more than once and call it fashion!
    3. Thou Shalt learn to recognize the Yin and Yang in catch phrases like: Hope and Change!
    4. Thou Shalt not cast your Vote to repeat a history that hates you!
    5. Thou Shalt not Believe indiscriminately
    6. (She’s still on # 6)

  7. Never mind. It’s definitely an imposter on the mountain.

    6. Thou Shalt call Ms. Magazine a “movement”

  8. imust: Can’t believe you did that so fast! lol!

    I’ll let you all know when I arrive in the Big Apple.

    (She’s probably just having a Beer Summit with the Slugs but, I swear, I’m going to find her and, and, and… I haven’t exactly figured that part out, yet.)

  9. ROFLMAO! Imust and WhyNot! This is GREAT!
    Beer summit with the slugs! HAHAHAHA! !2 Commandments to the Third Wave! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    LOVE IT!
    I will keep an eye out tonight! I have been talking for a few years about the annual 4-H market animal auction- where I buy my drug and hormone free, live, on the hoof, farm raised by a child with love, meat for the winter.
    Perhaps Uppity has decided to come buy some meat tonight in order to stock up the freezer before the election season gets in full swing after the conventions. (and to beat the skyrocketing prices that are on the way due to the drought)
    If I spot her, perhaps I can get one of the cowgirls to wrangle her!

  10. ROFLMAO! Imust you are on a roll!

  11. Oh- and WhyNot- you had better bring some premium catnip. And a child. Needlenose loves children. If there is no child handy- bring an American flag and a recording of some Sousa marches- Needlenose loves parades too.

  12. Thanks PMM, but it’s not me, it’s Why Not?!!

    P.S. good advice on the catnip!

  13. Never met the woman but I recognized Needlenose and Bill They were all out in my garden this morning picking veggies and eyeing my chickens as they searched for a hatchet.

    I had to fire some rock salt over their heads to chase them off – hell, they can have all the veggies they like but no one lays a hatchet on my laying girls. 🙂

  14. Twandx! LOL! Yeah Needlenose and our MKBill are sort of hard to miss! You will know for sure it was Uppity if all your male squash blossoms are missing.
    Watch it on the firing shots though- I understand the woman is a good shot herself lol!

  15. I know Uppity. I know where she lives. I know her phone number. I know what she looks like. I don’t have to same integrity as Utah. I’m open for bribes.

  16. I know Uppity. I know where she lives. I know her phone number. I know what she looks like. I don’t have to same integrity as Utah. I’m open for bribes.

    OK. A carton of cigs or ten packs of V2 cartridges of your choice. Let me know where to leave the ransom, and I promise not to notify law enforcement.

  17. That’s a start Anthony.

  18. I can also add (at the moment) 4 joints, $82 and a pair of velvet gloves. Take it or leave it

  19. Now we’re getting somewhere! I’m carefully considerating.

  20. Let me know by midnight the latest. That is my final offer. There will be no more communication on this matter until I hear from you. The gloves are as soft as a newborn kitteh, btw.

  21. Will do. I’ll be away for a few hours but rest assured I’ll be back.

  22. The mountain woman had me going – damned obots.

    But, Seriously, I think this is the real deal:

    Just got a frightening text from “MKBill” – says Uppity Woman just texted him and told him to “forget robbing Twandx’s garden”(having Needlenose chase the chickens was just a ruse to get the veggies.)

    Uppity told him to get all the clan ready, round up all the strays, possums and crows he can find and that she would have a Moving Van out front with the logo: “Brotherhood Movers… We Take You Where You Don’t Want To Go!” at 2:00PM.

    When Bill asked “Are we moving?”, she said, “Hell no, Bill! I’m taking you all to register to VOTE!” Bill said he TRIED to tell her that there was no way they could get registered without ID’s… but, the only thing he could hear after that was Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    (My Plane departs at 4:25PM – I’m getting more worried by the second.)

  23. I heard there was an Elvis vid posted, so here I am! UW is with me on a T-shirts and shorts pig hunt in the hills of California. She is learnin’ the fine art of drinkin’,shootin,and drivin’ a quad…all at the same time. You should have seen her face when we tipped over the out house while she was in there doin’ her duty, and reading Guns &Ammo mag

  24. Anthony and Stonelioness:

    Midnight maybe too late. Bill said she mentioned something about ‘finding the most gorgeous Goat Costume she can and hot air Ballooning over Afghanistan – dropping leaflets that say “Catch me if you can – and heading over the Hindu Kush mountain’s highest peak (7,492 feet.)

  25. Stonelioness- I will go in with Anthony and add a jar each of Apple Butter, Pear Butter (first place winner this year at the fair) a jar each of blackberry, black raspberry and strawberry jam. (All made right here from wild growing bitter clinger fruit! No pesticides or herbicides! Straight from nature!)

  26. “Catch me if you can” (Forgot to close the quote.

    I, unwilling interim FixitFairy, visited me – which is NO FUN at all.

  27. Why Not- can’t be Uppity! I tell ya! If Uppity was going to fly over Goatfu*#istan, she would not be dropping leaflets- she would be dropping pig offal! Be careful! MKBill might be trying to trick you and hold you hostage for nip!

  28. Be careful! MKBill might be trying to trick you and hold you hostage for nip!

    I wouldn’t put it past him for a second….

  29. Stoneliness: If PMM’s “made from wild growing, bitter clinger fruit” doesn’t seal the deal – we got nothin’ left.

    I would rather not have to camp out in Times Square Share…

  30. Why Not- SSSSHHHH- holding back a few things for negotiations. Tomatoes, fresh and canned. Beans, fresh and canned, eggs- fresh every day……

  31. Be careful! MKBill might be trying to trick you and hold you hostage for nip!

    Nahhhh, Bill knows a bleeding heart, co-dependent, can’t say “No” minimum wager when he sees one.He hates lines – and that hostage holding line is so looooong, I’ll never get to them all. lol.

  32. “SSSSHHHH- holding back a few things for negotiations. Tomatoes, fresh and canned. Beans, fresh and canned, eggs- fresh every day……

    Now you’ve done it, PMM. My neighbor just banged on the door and told me to “Quiet down all that moaning or take it to a motel!”

  33. Imust and WhyNot! This is GREAT!
    Beer summit with the slugs! !2 Commandments to the Third Wave!
    😆 😆 :lol;

  34. Yes, I’ve lost it. It’s not all of Uppity’s fault. But, three months without an UppityWoman fix was definitely the breaking point of no return.

    Uppity: I’m trying to channel you the best that I can…. really I am. But ME?! I’m going to have to check myself in somewhere.

    Seriously.

  35. Too bad that we can’t get NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) to track Uppity like they do for Santa every December. And who knows, Upps may team up with Santa.

    Whynot and Imust, what a great post!!!

  36. Ok- one more thing to add to Anthony’s offer- I am off to the auction. You all know the one. Where I buy my meat for the winter. 4-H raised, drug and growth hormone free. Raised with love by a 4-H kid on a real family farm- not caged up in some factory warehouse?
    If I have to I can throw in some of that meat……..

  37. PMM – hold onto the meat. I also just found a Jacques Torres chocolate/chipotle bar in my dresser (I’m like The Closer with those things). We should save the meat and the chocolate until after Stone delivers, otherwise the two of them will just take the food, tobacco, pot and gloves and stiff us.

  38. Woah! I just got an email and I think she just might be making an appearance, if not on her way back???

    “My Way” WhyNot? is about this….

    And now the end is near (For you trashing my blog, WhyNot?!)
    So I face the final curtain (It’s curtains for YOU, WhyNot?!)
    My friend, I’ll say it clear
    I’ll state my case of which I’m certain

    I’ve lived a life that’s full
    I’ve traveled each and every highway
    And more, much more than this
    I did it my way

    Regrets, I’ve had a few
    But then again, too few to mention (Cause I Am the REAL DEAL, Uppity Woman!)
    I did what I had to do
    And saw it through without exception

    I planned each charted course
    Each careful step along the byway
    Oh, and more, much more than this
    I did it my way

    Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
    When I bit off more than I could chew
    But through it all when there was doubt
    I ate it up and spit it out
    I faced it all and I stood tall
    And did it my way

    I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
    I’ve had my fails, my share of losing
    And now as tears subside
    I find it all so amusing
    To think I did all that
    And may I say, not in a shy way
    No, oh no not me,
    I did it my way

    For what is a WOMAN, what has SHE got
    If not HERSELF, then SHE has not
    To say the words SHE truly feels
    And not the words SHE would reveal
    The record shows I took the blows
    And did it my way
    The record shows I took the blows
    And did it my way

    ….Channel that, WhyNot?
    😉

  39. I’ll throw in my Birthday present to myself of Dinner for Two for Osso Bucco…

  40. Over and out.

  41. No gun used, MOM – strict about them in the city limits – I just threw a perfect storm of rock salt over their heads – works every time because people think an ice storm is coming so they run for cover.

  42. Pssst…. I didn’t really get the “My Way” email from Uppity. 😉

  43. I think she may have gone on a cruise.Wouldn’t
    that be grand? 🙂

  44. Great post Imust and WhyNot? B-b-b-but Uppity is missing? Dang. She would enjoy this immensely= My wife says I have hot flashes when I explained I was sweating so much during the night, it was running into and burning my eyes. I’ll never come close to making fun of MEN-o-pause. Well. closed the window when it was 20 below and she said, “it serves you right after doing that!!” In the upper Midwest, we’re in the midst of a period where it has rained 30 days straight….and she is on the side of the bed where the window is. Guess my female hormones will just have to take it. Now girlz, stop that falling down laffing. You might hurt yourselves.

  45. When she was having hot flashes at first, she screamed at me!! ”DO YOU KNOW WHAT MENOPAUSE IS!” I was very careful not to upset her more and simply replied “No, dear.” JO screamed, hauled off and kicked me hard in the shin. Holy shit. That bad, eh?

  46. Uppity took a cruise ONCE and by day 2, told me she was so bored, she was on the verge of screaming, “Get me off this damn ship!!”

    Cruise not likely.

  47. We could’ve seen this coming on more than a month ago.

    Read the first comment HERE

    I think recent events pushed her around the bend

  48. Yep, blog fatigue is easy to understand. Hilarious comments you all.

  49. Uppity is at my house. All is well. But please send Pinot Noir, she is thristy.

  50. I thought I saw her at Walmart, swinging a bat in the light bulb aisle, saying something like “Frackin’ CFLs…[unintelligible] G-Damn mercury…”

  51. See?! Just like Elvis, there are Uppity sightings everywhere!

  52. I don’t want to cast any aspersions, but I did notice the level of Scotch in my Glenlivet bottle was lower than I remembered. I’m certain it wasn’t me since I generally go for the Cardhu.

  53. Well Sophie, at least, unlike Honora, you’re not trying to get people to send you more Glenlivet!!! BTW, doesn’t NES like that brand as well…..have we seen HER lately??? Just sayin’

  54. You guys are a riot, funny stuff. I don’t know if I like the canteloupe guy and the rib question or the beer slug the best. Both had me ROFL!

    Uppity will come back around in due time, until then we can have random daily sightings just like Elvis!! I love it! Gee does she like “mashed taters and gravy”? Elvis sure did.

    Oh but wait FF is good with photoshop, anybody else? We could have a daily sort of where’s Waldo photo using a generic UW, or we could have daily clues kind of like that old Carmen San Diego. Where in the world is Uppity Woman……have to put something in front or behind her name to fit the song.

    In any event thanks for the laughs, I sure did need them. I had a bit of a rough day, but it’s all good now.

    Oh and I’ll toss in on the ransom. I’ll add a bottle of Lagavulin 16 year old scotch. I don’t drink the stuff my husband does, but he has a case of it so he can spare a bottle.

  55. For the record, Honora drinks Cabernet Sauvignon and resents imusthavepie’s insinuation.

  56. Okay, okay Honora. Mea Culpa. But you have to admit…..there are a lot of people claiming to know where Uppity is……….but do you really prefer a cabby to a pinot??? Maybe this will bring Uppity out:

    I LIKE MERLOT!!! I REALLY LIKE IT!!!!🙂

  57. imust, you win the prize for being willing to say or do anything to get Uppity back!

    For me, a Cab Franc is where it’s at (unless we’re talking Italian wines, in which case…)

  58. haha! Sophie, how about this: I LIKE MERLOT IN A BOX!!!!!

  59. Actually, I’m having a Meridian chardonnay spritzer right now.

  60. ahhh……perfect for a warm summer night….

  61. SPRITZER!!!! Living in the ’80’s much?? 😉

  62. Yes I am! Although I prefer the 90s!

  63. Wine spritzers go really nice with PIE ala mode!

  64. Apparently, white wine spritzers are thread killers. Perhaps we should go back to shots of Glenlivit?? I’m game! Or….gamey? Maybe that’s the problem. [slinks off to take a shower]

  65. Since I’m all showered and alone here, might as well have some fun. [pours another wine spritzer] Where’s lorac anyway? And NES?? And karen for Clinton?? karen!!!! I have hors d’oeuvres here!!! Drinks and hors d’oeuvres…..your favorite!!! Happy hour, okay a belated happy hour……time for music……

  66. Did you bring the merlot in a box? LMAO

  67. Of course Somebody. [pulls spigot of wine box out] here you go! Pull up a stool!!

  68. I was thinking about this song earlier. Although imustadmit…I substituted the words: My Corona!

  69. imust, how do make your spritzers? Here’s another Moodies blast:

  70. My other favorite Moody Blues, thanks socal! I use diet 7-up…I know, I know….gotta cut back where we can!

  71. Nice tunes above.

    This is funny..says a lot about human nature. Have you heard about Brett Cohen? Famous for NOT being famous.

  72. Is it sweetened with aspartame or splenda? Aspartame is killer. We use Zevia which is sweetened with stevia and comes in a bunch of great flavors. You can get it at Gelsons, or Whole Foods or Sprouts or most health food stores. Or, diet Hansens has splenda.

  73. Wow, trashing the place with boxed wine. You should clean that up before Uppity gets back. She’ll probably blame it on lorac anyway…

  74. Yes, I agree, I like stevia. I miss Gelsons, the store by us closed. Thank you Obamaeconomy!!

  75. yeah…that’s what I figured Sophie…..

  76. Funny video Sophie! We went on a TMZ Hollywood tour recently (visitors in town) and our guide told us to do this very thing! Have people follow you around with cameras and other people would assume you are famous!

  77. Sophie ROFL! Damn that was funny!

  78. Where’s Why Not? Time to take a bow!!!

  79. Yeah a few Gelsons have closed. Terrible! I’m going to be heartbroken if the one I go to closes down.

  80. {peeking in} Yes, yes, nice and peaceful! Ahhhhhh. Love the Moody Blues- Nights in White Satin is one of my favorites- And the whole album In Search of the Lost Chord! I had a long day- so this is my music contribution- have a great night!

  81. Thanks PMM! Sleep tight! Gosh, is it 11pm or midnight in your neck of the woods? No matter….it’s late. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  82. Great song Mom! They have so many good ones. They’re still great in concert, Justin Hayward still has a great voice & they hired young women to play the instruments that the retired musicians used to play. I want to go see them in Dec.

    Yes, we’re very peaceful and well behaved.

  83. LOVE the Uppity beer summit!

  84. Yes, WhyNot & imust are on a roll today. Very clever stuff.

  85. Even though it’s Friday….

  86. Why Not? deserves the kudos! I just provided (with the help of google images) the visuals! Yay Why Not?!!!!!

  87. Good night Uppityville……

  88. itmustbetheWineSpritzers

  89. Okay, one more for sweet dreams……

  90. Hiya gang! Comedic geniuses you are, imust & WhyNot. Died laughing.

    Oh, almost forgot…Upps says hello and good night.

  91. Bragging that you saw Upps, huh??? {hands on hips} Okay, tell her we send our love.

  92. Still at the airport, my flight was delayed.

    Now, I know you all won’t believe this, but…

    Seriously (😀 )

    I was standing in line at the security check-in and I heard a commotion going on at the TSA checkpoint. The full-body scanner detected an anomaly in both a woman and her child’s clothing, and BOTH were objecting loudly to being subjected to a pat down.

    When I finally got a good view and could hear what was going on – the “Child” was growling and the Woman was yelling: “Cockroach Story!!!” “Cockroach Story!!!”

    Yep, you guessed it! No doubt that it was Uppity Woman and Needlenose – both of them dressed in Burquas – changing planes on their way to Afghanistan!

    It was quite a stand-off! Every time those TSA agents tried to grab Uppity’s arm to escort her out of the line, she would yell: “Pit Bulls! Pit Bulls!” and Needlenose would go crazy and back them off!

    Nope. I couldn’t see their faces, but the:

    “UppityWoman08.Wordpress.Com”
    …Uppity Woman – Deal With It!

    was in big bold letters across the backs of their Jilbabs.

    I was waving my arms frantically, trying to get her attention, but she couldn’t see me through all of the security that had rushed to the scene.

    When things settled down, I overheard one of the security guys say that they found two Laptops, Mr. Uppity, four bottles of Glenlivet, a black and white cat and a poster of “Hillary Clinton in the Rain” under her garment. From what I could surmise, Needlenose was not only concealing enough food to last several months, but the bomb squad was called out to remove a suspicious object hanging around her neck that turn out to be a Treat Jar.

    …I’ll tell you all the rest tomorrow – after they’re through questioning me about all the weird blogger’s names they found tattooed on the tops of Uppity’s thighs and ‘what was really in the Kitteh and the Pie that was being smuggled across 3 states!’

  93. And, while I’m thinking about it:

    Moderators, would you please add “Legitimate” “Todd Akin,” “2008,” “2012,” “Election” and “See Ya” to the banned list of words before she gets back?

    imust made US do it, Uppity. The whole thing was her idea. As you can clearly see by the pictures and captions, she planned it all.

  94. imust:

    Every time I scroll through the pictures and captions, I burst out laughing all over again!

    Perfect! Fricking Perfect!

    And the comments just keep on giving! I’ve needed the laughs more than you know – so thanks everyone!

    Oh, almost forgot…Upps says hello and good night.

    …Must have been a hell of a dream, NES? lol.

  95. Why Not?, it was your funny commentary! Well done!!
    You’ve earned a double ‘P’…..a PIE and a Penguin!

  96. High-Five, IMUST!!!

    ….WhyNot? reporting from the land of “Here Comes Trouble on the Train of Permanently Ignored” – Over and Out! lol.

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