Well, it’s time to Prepare for the End-Of- The-World again. That means Apocalypse!
Seems like just yesterday when you were told to prepare for the last one. In any event, If you haven’t done your preparations during a previously scheduled End Of World, you should get started. I provide you with some upfront suggestions from last year here in my Up All Night Wondering If My Ass Will Be Raptured thread. Mind you, my preparations have not been End-Of-World tested, else we would not be here today. But let’s face it, this is Really the Big One and so many more people will be Left Behind this time, like people who use birth control, vote Democratic, eat fried foods, show your legs, collect Social Security, or treat sex like it’s supposed to be fun – and other really bad shit.
Still, there’s hope for you. As you all know, No End Of World program is complete without a follow-up Rapture. It’s like Peanut Butter and Jelly, they go together. And you can be Raptured too, which means you won’t have to clean up the mess! All you have to do is say you’re sorry for anything you’ve done, including inhaling and exhaling, say you Really Mean It, and then you can go right back to doing any sleazy, rotten thing you want to do to anybody, because you’ll be Saved, which will give you the authority to harass everybody else while ignoring your own nasty habits and behaviors. How cool is that? And as a Reward for being Saved, you will be abruptly sucked up into the sky in the Twinkle Of An Eye. Seems fair! How envious everyone will be! I wonder if this young woman still has that Suburu she drove around advertising the Judgment Day last year– or if she’s in the hospital ward this year?
Since the current End Of World is scheduled for December 21, so close to Christmas, I am sure all the believers won’t be buying any Christmas gifts or putting up any decorations or things. In this economy, it’s not a good idea to waste money. They would only end up leaving all those fugly woolen socks and evil toys they charged to Capital One to the heathens left behind. This will be rough on retail sales. And just think of how much fun this will all be for all those well adjusted children of the Big Believers. I mean, what stable kid doesn’t want to go to bed at night worrying about an apocalypse just before Christmas?
Make no mistake! This is the Big One. Do you hear me? Bigger than last year’s Big One and the year before’s Big One, even. In fact, it’s bigger than the hundreds or other Big Ones through the centuries. See Have A Happy Rapture Day! for a list, current only to 2009. Who can keep up? Anyways, this Big One is claimed to be Predicted by the Mayans, who were so good at predicting things well in advance, that they missed predicting the end of their own culture, but nevermind. Besides, this year’s Believer list is probably much larger than ever before, considering the outcome of the Presidential Election. Barack Obama should really demand a cut for this from all those preachers collecting the bucks. I’m sure somebody from Chicago is On It. After all, he has replaced Dick Cheney as the AntiChrist and that wasn’t easy.
There are many…..um….. exciting videos on Youtube on how this is going to roll out, but I felt the one below is the most believable, considering it was provided by an Obviously Very Christian Youtuber spiritually named “Wake The Fuck Up“. No kidding.
I do not know as of today if there is a Wake The Fuck Up Ministry, but if there’s money to be made from it, you can bet there is.
The title of the video also implies you should “Save Your Family Now,” although it doesn’t say how and you will be too busy crapping your pants while watching it, anyways. I was a bit disappointed to see the word “Theory” in the title. This is a small matter for the End-Of-Worlders, though–unless we’re talking about evolution.
You can’t make this shit up. But you don’t have to. Other ‘really’ reliable people are making it up for you, and for a small donation, but preferably a big one, they will tell you more –like this charlatan, Harold Camping, who Raptured his own self by disappearing just before last year’s Rapture didn’t happen, but not without the millions he collected from his followers. However, Harold confesses he accidentally “calculated the numbers” wrong, so to be sure he will be back soon with a more accurate Judgment Day and Rapture date.
I will be providing you with more valuable information in the near future, with names of upstanding “Christians” who are prepared and swear the Apocalypse is really really really true this time, they are going to be Raptured and you’re probably not, including such bastions of integrity between woman-beatings and drunken binges, Mel Gibson. I will also be providing you in the future information on the debunking of this bullshit by NASA, but don’t let that stop any of you from Believing. I mean, having the shit scared out of you every year over God is about the only cheap entertainment left. God must be so pleased.
Here is your Wake The Fuck Up video. Crank up that volume, I wouldn’t want you to miss anything. You can feel free to peruse Youtube and pick out another one if you would like. The place is infested with them. Also, please know, if you prefer reading, or actually can read, you can get your reliable information about Impending Doom right here at the Official Website. They cover it all, from survival items you can put into your shopping cart to Endtime Prophecies. They even have a countdown clock, as if believers would need one. “Gosh, Marion! I almost forgot that today is the Apocalypse!“.
When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.
Now, I know that you want to know what things will be like when you are Left Behind, right? This is not to suggest you will be left behind, of course. But you might as well take a look at what it’s going to be like if they Checked The List Twice and you were a bad boy or girl. I am sure you want more than anything else to see this SEVEN PART video on the Aftermath, you heathen.
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