Some traditions are forever. Watching It’s A Wondeful Life at Christmas, Launching fireworks on the 4th of July, and……Live Blogging At Walmart on Black Friday.
Last year we strayed, or more like it, we had a reprieve, as Imustprotest, AKA Her Pieness did indeed Live Blog At Walmart her own self. For those who missed it, you can laugh your ass off here, where Imust awaits my arrival and I never show up, so she goes it alone, as if we had any doubt she would.
And so, in Uppity tradition, we bring you the original, local (very local) award-winning Live Blogging At Walmart On Black Friday.
But first, please remember that at Walmart……Every time someone rings a bell:
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Here at a local Walmart a 32″ Tee Vee is on sale today for $268. I told everyone I don’t like and every over-extended loser I know who constantly buys things he or she can’t afford about the TV. I kind of figure if I am going to have to pay for their defaults, I might as well have some fun watching the stampede, right? They really should use Sam’s family and the board of directors of Walmart as workers on Black Friday, so that innocent hard-working underpaid Walmart employees don’t have to deal with the stampedes of already over-extended suckers they deliberately create while laughing from their penthouses.
****So Live, from Uppity’s place, blogging at Walmart’s.
7:45 AM–They don’t open till 9, but the parking lot is crowded as expected. Word has it that Capital One is thrilled about this sale. The TV, at $268 and $29% interest is going to make for a very good quarter for ole Cap One.
A couple of arguments have broken out about who arrived first and should be let inside first, but so far, no blood shed, although I have heard vocabulary words I haven’t used myself in years. Okay, I’ve used them but NOT A LOT!
There are certainly some interesting vehicles parked here. I haven’t seen some of them in years. I see several cars still have their drivers and riders inside, all eating McDonald’s sausage McMuffin with Egg and other healthy fare. Others have left their cars to eat their healthy breakfasts, making it easier to just throw the empty wrappers and bags onto the ground, much to the glee of the seagulls that seem to have appeared out of nowhere. One guy is eating a Burger King Croissant sandwich, but the others won’t talk to him.
It’s very touching to see so many people willing to help the bank account of the one company that single-handedly brings down the standard of living in every community they raid–and then rewards everyone with toothpaste that costs twenty cents less.
8 AM: More people arriving but no place to park, forcing them to walk more than 50 yards for the first time in several years. All the handicapped parking spots have been taken by seniors who appear to be in remarkably good shape, forcing real handicapped people to figure out another way to get closer to the doors. I don’t know about you, but where I am, as soon as you turn 65, you get yourself a “handicapped” parking tag from your doctor, even if you play golf daily.
8:30 AM: Walmart employees are arriving, perusing the parking lot in horror before they swiftly take a curve to the back of the building to enter. Some lights are being switched on inside, which has resulted in a low roar from the crowd. The glass doors are already riddled with fingerprints of customers peeking in to plan their routes. Some keep tugging hard at the doors to see if they are unlocked even though they just saw somebody else do it. I do hope some of these folks have brought their Purell with them.
It’s truly amazing to see so many people with their kids gathering at the entrance, knowing how Walmart got caught hiring 15 year-olds and assigning them to wield chain saws to cut Christmas trees –a situation which resulted in a fine equivalent to a week’s stay in a good hotel penthouse for one of Sam’s kids— and a miraculous agreement with the Department of Labor that they will give Walmart 15 days notice before showing up to inspect them again. Truly truly heartwarming, isn’t it?
8:45 AM, the crowd is becoming rowdy. I hear rumbles of why on earth they cannot open the doors now, after all everybody is there! People are gathering around the doors in groups and there is some, jockeying, pushing and shoving going on. One guy just popped another guy in the face, although I am not sure why. I guess I should get closer but you can understand why I don’t think that’s such a good idea. After all, the doors will open soon! Some people are acquiring a glazed look in their eyes. This would be a great time to post Walmart’s Board of Directors and the Walton family inside the doors. Last year, a guard got killed thanks to their shenanigans designed to shake more money out of people who were buying things they probably couldn’t afford. Worked out well for Bank of America though!
I’m sitting in my car now. I don’t want to get hit with any flying objects in 15 minutes. I think I’ll pass the time counting the McDonald’s wrappers floating by me in the breeze. I am also counting the seagulls. 48 right now. And 9 nervous pigeons. They seem particularly excited about the bits of sausage stuck to the paper.
9AM, two really nervous looking employees, apparently managers, walk out of the inner doors to unlock the Gold. The crowd roars. One of the Unlockers pushes his hands toward the crowd to tell them to back away from the doors. Amazingly, they cooperate. The doors open and the two employees scurry quickly to the side so they don’t get hit by the doors. Apparently, they have been trained to avoid being hit by a door. That’s really big of Walmart, don’t you think?
The crowd pushes through, as if they are actually exiting a burning building. Doesn’t appear that anyone is injured though, just shoved around a lot. As I now move closer, I notice the doors look REALLY dirty. Time for some Purell.
Once the mass entrance dies down, I’m going in, just me and my Purell. Wish I had brought my dog but then I don’t suppose they would let her in. Besides, that wouldn’t be a nice thing to do to the gulls.
I notice some stragglers are driving in and I noticed a “Holllllly Shit” look on a few drivers’ faces as they notice the lot jammed with cars. Some of them slowly drive off, apparently figuring a TV isn’t worth the walk.
I am going in………..
If you don’t hear from me in a timely way, know that I have enjoyed blogging for you. Feel free to donate to my funeral arrangements.
9:20 That was uneventful. I am greeted by the typical walmart greeter, only this one looks as though she has already put in a full day. I’ll bet Walmart doesn’t offer her health insurance options. This is also very heartwarming……the way Walmart takes the time to coach their lower level employees on how to apply for Medicaid, thus managing to get taxpayers to bear the burden for Walmart in exchange for 15 cents off the price of a bag of chips. I am truly touched, aren’t you?
I am a respectable distance from the electronics department, but close enough to see what’s going on. It’s very easy to discern the spot where the 32″ TV is. Some lady just body checked me because I was in her path. She has a kid in the cart and appears to have unloaded the entire shelf stock of Little Debbie cakes into her basket. The kid has a lot of snot coming out of his nose but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s heading for the TV area.
9:30: Im moving in a little closer. Somebody really needs a shower. It may be more than one person. In fact, the ambience tells me that it’s probably a lot of people. Several people are having intestinal gas attacks too. It’s probably all those sausage McMuffins with cheese working their way into their systems. You couldn’t get me to move in any closer even if the 32″ flatscreen were fifty bucks. Lot’s of TeeVees being sold. I hear a nearby conveyor belt thing moving through some flaps, and I notice plenty of people standing by. Kind of clever of Walmart to show everybody else how fast those TV’s are being sold to somebody else.
The place is starting to look like the night shift cleaning squad is going to have its work cut out for it. Maybe this time, Walmart will be nice enough not to lock those undocumented workers in the building like they did that one time when the building caught fire and the employees were locked in with no possible exits. Walmart is such a swell company, isn’t it? That’s why everybody shops there!
9:56 The crowd is rowdy now. It seems that the 32″ flat screen is officially already out of stock. So fast! I’m shocked. Shocked I tell you!
The crowd is yelling RAIN CHECK! Some very pale guy in a white shirt, polyester pants and an official Walmart tag on his chest, who was probably once an Engineer, is shouting to the crowd that there will be no out Rain Checks, but they do have another even bigger flat screen TV on sale for $432, much to the chuckles of Capital One. There is a good deal of swearing going on and the crowd starts to thin, although a number of them stay behind to take a look at the OTHER TV on sale. Nice job, Wally World.
Many walk away disgusted but they don’t leave the store. They begin to shop, having their hearts broken, they must find something to replace that TV they can’t get. Dammit, they came here prepared to spend $268 and by golly, they are going to do it!
I’m getting out of here, heading for the door. I notice the checkout counters. The conveyers contain plenty of flatscreen TVs. Some of the people in line have a rather smug look on their faces, because they heard the rumor that their TV is now out of stock so soon. I guess they showed everybody!
One common theme at each of the cashier stations is plenty of charge cards are being swiped. It’s been another great hour for Walmart, Capital One, Chase, Bank Of America and every other credit card company that has cranked up the rates of those who cannot defend themselves to 29%. I also wonder how much swine flu will be spread today.
Next: Christmas Eve!
UPPITY NOTE: No gang. I am not really at Walmart’s. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Walmarts. They have single-handedly started the movement that has dropped the standard of living in the USA, and while they continue to do so, their victims shop there because they can’t help themselves. They need to buy things a bit more inexpensively since their standard of living has been reduced — and Walmart is happy to oblige, since Walmart is one of the main REASONS people need to shop a little more inexpensively.
And let’s face it. This very scene I am depicting is being played out all over America right now.
Walmart, if there is a place in hell for an entire corporation, then you should be the very first to grace the spot.
And don’t forget to save room for Best Buy!
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