Principal: Hello Mrs. ******? This is the school Principal. Please come and pick up your son, he’s been suspended.
Mrs. ******: OMG! What did he do?
Principal: He brought a pop tart to school.
Mrs. ******: And, so?
Principal: He chewed on it and formed it into the shape of a Pop Tart gun.
Mrs ******: (Crickets)
Principal: Then he yelled Bang! Bang!
Mrs ******: (More Crickets)
Principal: It gets worse. He pointed it at a student.
I know. You think I’m making this shit up.
A 7-year-old Anne Arundel County boy was suspended Friday for chewing his breakfast pastry into the shape of a gun and saying, “bang, bang”— an offense that the school described as a threat to other students, according to his family.
The pastry “gun” was a rectangular strawberry-filled bar, akin to a Pop-Tart, that the second-grader had tried to nibble into the shape of a mountain, but then found it looked more like a gun, said his father, William “B.J.” Welch.
Shoulda stuck with the mountain idea, kid. Because your teacher and administration are out of their fucking minds.
Besides, you can’t fool me. They were really pissed because he had a pop tart, which is now a felony in some school quarters. If he had pointed a carrot, he might have gotten away with it.