Open Vatican Smoke-Blowing Thread

UPDATE: Teh Holy Smoke has risen. They have a Pope.


You asked for it, so here it is. Written by a Heretic in the Galileo Camp. You can blame the Papal Peeps photo on imustprotest.

This thread will be placed on top at various “Breaking News”  times during the Vatican seance of self-impressed mortal men who got where they are by Playing The Game and Not Getting Caught At Anything.

Yesterday, they blew black smoke and then everybody went and ate and drank and hung out in the opulence of their quarters, taking time out now and then to Politic over who The Winner should be, ever mindful of what position they will acquire based on who is selected. Jesus is not invited to these events because of His history of throwing a tantrum over Moneychangers. And then there’s that thing about how hard it is to pass a camel through a needle, not to mention the Log In Your Own Eye thang.

As yet, the guys in the Beanies have not selected the next  Head Woman Oppressor and Bearer of Crippling Guilt and Hopeless Unworthiness in the name of God. To be sure, Catholic productivity must suffer immeasurably during times such as this, as all eyes are glued to the smokestack affixed to the top corner of cable news channel screens. Bless their hearts, it has to be a bit of hell to be all excited about a New Pope, while knowing all along nothing is going to change. It must be even more painful to be forced to ignore a Byzantine Pope once he (and it will always be a He) is selected by a bunch of sexist old men of questionable virtue themselves.

It is widely reported that the Discarded Pope Emeritus Benedict is watching the entire process from a TV in his quarters as he prepares to be locked away like a Crazy Uncle in the former home of the Vatican head gardener.

For those of you who are convinced that women play no part in important things such as selecting the Pope, please know you are way off base. It has been reported that nuns are cooking for the Cardinals during this important time.

In any event, you can bet this entire process will be wrapped up before Good Friday.


62 Responses

  1. What are the odds I am going to hell for this post?

  2. Jodi’s on the stand again for chissakes. 29 stab wounds, a slit throat, and a gunshot to the head, three different stories and recordings of phone sex for posterity. She couldn’t possibly be a sociopath could she? Nahhh. Shoulda took her to Cancun, Travis.

  3. They picked a pope, and its a grrrrrrrl! Send up the white smoke, we got a new pope-ette.

  4. This would make me return to the Church!

  5. I rather like imust’s papal peeps. (Runs for cover)

    I think they plan to have it wrapped up in time for Palm Sunday. That way the new top papal can get that cadre in order for all those fun events (Palm Sunday anyone) leading up to Easter. They are probably just coloring eggs and making sure their shoes are shined until they are good and ready to announce the foregone conclusion. Maybe they want to upstage Barkey again since I am sure he thinks he is in the running.

    Unless they see Uppity’s suggestion of Good Friday and just stall and let the new one rise from the ashes. Which is just a tad macabre.

  6. Breaking. They have a Pope.

  7. I just got one of those little blips on my phone about white smoke. Think they saw those papal peeps and got worried their jobs might filled by marshmallow birdies?

  8. Didn’t take long either. Congrats to all. 🙂

  9. Just look at all those happy people. 🙂

  10. They are probably getting him into his pope duds before they announce who he is.

  11. Nah they were told they had to eat “Plain food” till they pick a pope. They wanted to get back to the good stuff.

  12. Ha I knew it would be a latin american.

  13. Aw he looks sweet.

  14. So far I think I am going to like this one like I did John Paul. Benedict was such a stern ass and 0 personality. Francis might be a man of the people. Ha I like the name too since I chose Frances as my confirmed name lol.

  15. Also I figured it would be someone from a Latino background as well. Lationos make up the bulk of the church these days. I heard many rumblings it would be an American and did not believe that for a minute. I will give this one a chance but have to say I despised Benedict from the get go. Either way he still will have go go with the age old belief that women are no more then brood mares and that is the reason I no longer practice Catholicism or any other organized religion. Might reconsider when a religion sees women and more then something to bring more men into the world and have to cook for them and clean up after them.

  16. He’s got to be an improvement over Benedict, the guy was a nasty piece of work.

    Was it Brazil or Argentina that excommunicated the 11 year old raped girl who got an abortion?

  17. Unbelievable.

    World Wide Coverage of The Church of Pedophilia – for a world-wide adoring fan base of child rape-apologists, pomp and circumstantial-ists and patriarchy protectionists. (“But, but, but, we do care about the poor!”)

    Yep. I said it – on behalf of all of the boys, girls and women all over the world that this “Holy” Hell Mafia has proven time and time again, since its inception, that it doesn’t give a flip about.

  18. Why Not, I was walking in a park when I was away recently and struck up a conversation with a nice man about house hunting and nature. We walked for a while together (very public and safe area) and he was just a wonderful person. We sat at a table and discussed where he lives and the other places around the area. Then we talked politics and surprise – we agreed on everything, miraculously! He told me about his ex-wife and her cancer, about his kids, and then we discussed religion. He told me he’d been away from the Catholic Church for many years but recently went back. He went to other religious groups over the years. When I asked why he left and why he went back – he shocked me with a full blown story about the sexual abuse he and his two brothers endured by the hands of a priest at a Catholic summer camp.

    That he would go back after they went through that horror their whole lives was just crazy in my opinion. He had tears in his eyes. This man was in his 60s and remembering something from his youth like that still hurt him so deeply. He kept it secret for most of his life. When the three brothers got together for a holiday, as grown men with children of their own, the stories were finally told to each other after no mention since their brief understanding of them all going through it as kids.

    Bastards should all rot in hell is right. They know and they cover it up and they moved the offenders to other regions rather than reporting it to the police. They belong in jail, not at summer camps with children.

  19. Delete it, Uppity, if you like – But, pretend I am “tolerant” of a religion that can command such sanctimonious recognition and “celebration” of its coronation of a new King over its institutionalized perversion and corruption?

    Talk about See no Evil; Hear no Evil; Speak no Evil.

    Not me. I take what this “Church” has allowed, covered up and promoted from the top down, bottom up and at every level in between – PERSONALLY – knowing the damage it has done to the lives of children, alone, with impunity – not to mention the political power it wields over non-catholic lives, as if it is “God” itself.

    Sorry, but that’s how I feel.

  20. Oh Karen – I was typing as you were commenting, apparently.

    That story, alone, is a perfect example of exactly what I am talking about, Karen.

    That man is bearing the burden and scars of an “institution” that has managed to brainwash hundreds of millions of human beings into to believing that IT is not only above and beyond the very “Godliness” it demands – but that their redemption from their own “unholiness” is dependent upon their unwavering loyalty to: a) the church; b) its doctrines; and c) its priests – as all being ordained – completely protected by God himself and, thus, beyond reproach.

    Sick, Sick, Sick.

  21. Meet the Pope!

    I like that he took the bus to work and lived in a small apt.

  22. Whynot while I say I have to agree with you on the harboring of criminals I also have to say that throughout my life I have had the pleasure of personally knowing many a good priest and ones that were great to kids. As with everything in life there are good and bad among us. That said I understand the people and their honoring the Pope and respecting it as tradition and for what the whole thing is about. Sadly this Pope has his hands full and has to do something about the priests that are dangerous. Let the country that they offend in take them down like any other piece of shit that would hurt a child. I do not hold the whole religion accountable for the few but I do see the uppers in the church wrong for not turning them over. Maybe Francis I will change it. One can only hope.
    However as I have said before I see no organized religion as a good thing. Once they get you suckered in you get screwed weather it is actually physically or mentally. Women in any church or that thing that is the greatest fable in the world the Bible are treated as bottom feeders and I can not understand any woman allowing herself to go along with it.
    I believe what I believe and do not have to attend a church or believe in the bible to feel right about myself.
    I have attended many different churches out of curiosity and find they all have women in their place and it isn’t a place for me.
    Why would women choose to be Muslim ? It baffles me. I know my mother saw having to wear a hat and dress to church as a good thing. She saw it as tradition not a unequal treatment of women as I did. I asked her one day how she felt about not having 12 kids and defying the church and she said God will forgive me that. Seriously???? And how do you go to mass every Sunday knowing you are a hypocrite I asked . She just said I still feel good doing it and know I will be forgiven. Made 0 sense to me.

  23. Fredster, he chose a life of poverty. Boy that’s gonna change fast. he looks like a sweet man. He has an interesting history in Argentina with respect to gay marriage though. He called the argentina bill being considered the work of the devil. And the Byzantine beat goes on.

  24. Well at least they don’t kill women. At least not in this century, anyways.

  25. I think Catholics have the right to have their pope whether I think it’s moose poop or not It’s their choice and my choice. What they don’t have the right to do is have the vatican tampering with the policies and laws of our country while enjoying tax exemption. Ironically, they insist that they are sovereign, but apparently don’t think any other sovereign state is sovereign.

  26. Fredster, he chose a life of poverty.

    I know that Uppity but he had the perks of the archbishopric (?) mansion and driver and didn’t use them.

    He’s a hard liner on gay issues.

  27. Uppity, that “sovereignty” position reaches far beyond just “tampering” with the policies and laws of our country while enjoying tax exemption. Think about the horrific crimes the institution conspired with by covering it up – in this country – and got away it.

    Doesn’t matter to me who they select as their Pope, either. What does matter to me is that there is an institution in existence so powerful that it can systemically harbor known Child Rapists, systemically protect them and then systemically cover it all up and still be in operation – in the USA.

    How blind can people be? What’s wrong then with letting Jerry Sandusky go, proclaiming it a national holiday, summoning the major networks and parading Father Jerry out onto the White House lawn surrounded by children dressed in sheep’s clothing?

    What’s wrong with it is everything that the Catholic Church’ self-proclaimed sovereignty allows it to get away with.

  28. True he could have used the perks, Fredster, but he didn’t. It’s all kind of moot anyways, since I am sure he’s not going to be any less archaic than his predecessor.

  29. Oh that’s true. Not expecting any great changes from this guy.

  30. Well good thing I don’t have to listen to a thing he thinks I should do. Neither do most of the Catholics I know. Catholics for the most part are pretty nice people. Except for the ones that have been consumed and obsessed to the point of no longer being stable. Otherwise, give me a room full of Catholics over a room full if goatfuckers any day of the week. Most of them ignore the Make Lotsa Babies and a wife should submit demands completely.

  31. Utah you are so right. There isn’t a religion that isn’t dedicated to controlling women. I swear it almost seems as if that’s their first priority. To hell with that shit.

  32. I watched Jodi Arias get blasted out of the water today. Put a fork in her. She’s getting the needle.

  33. I knew this one would be a quick pick, with the Holy Week deadline and all. Benedict prolly planned it this way!

    Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. From the NY Times:

    A doctrinal conservative, Francis has opposed liberation theology, abortion, gay marriage and the ordination of women, standing with his predecessor in holding largely traditional views.

    Jesuit, Italian-American, misogynistic homophobe. Two outta three ain’t bad! I hope this “humble man” decides to stay out of US politics.

  34. But I did just open a bottle of Malbec to toast the guy!

  35. Upps, you may go to hell for this post, but it sure was screamingly funny. Hubbie & I wiping away tears.

  36. Karen, interesting story about the man you met who was abused by priests. I wonder why he went back.

    Love Bill’s tweet.

  37. Darn! I was kinda hoping for this guy…….

  38. Just thought I drop in and say that I’m Catholic. But, I’m not a pedophile or brainwashed, or a mysoginist, or a homophobe, or a pervert. Are there imperfect individuals in the Catholic Church, just as in any other church or organization? You bet. But does the existence of pedophiles in the US public school system render the entire system a bunch of perverts? I haven’t heard anyone make that argument.

    I have also wonder how much the prohibition against telling the sins confessed to a priest was a factor in how they mismanaged those priest who confessed. Seal of the Confession

  39. Hugo, a side point you make is, certain vocations and professions seem to attract pedophiles. That would include teaching along with priesthood and ministry. Child care. Wherever control of children is a distinct part of the job description, so to speak. Sad but true. One difference with schools vs priesthood is, a pedophile teacher won’t get transferred to another school as a solution. Now that problem could be, as you mentioned, due to policy of the church, confession, etc. It’s a reason but not a good excuse when you think about what it can and often does do to a child for life. I’m sure you agree that kind of sovereignty should never have to be accepted in a country with laws against this behavior. In all other religions such offenses are under the jurisdiction of laws not church doctrine. If a pastor of a non denominational church, or any protestant church, or a rabbi, or any preacher of God is found to be a pedophile, and it happens in all those places too, that pastor will be charged by a DA faster than he can say, Ye God!

  40. I’m a Catholic too, but I feel the actions of the priests and the cardinals tarnished the church itself…not it’s members. That would be like saying the students molested by teachers were perverts. That being said, people DO paint teachers with that same brush! Not all, and not individual teachers…but I’ve heard comments saying stuff like, “so many bad teachers and many are molesters and they can’t be fired because of the evil union.” Yes, I have heard that in person, to my face. And I’m sorry, the sheer number of cases of pedophile/abuses by priests is proportionally higher than most professions, even teachers. It was a regular epidemic! And, it was covered up to protect the church, not to protect the confession confidentially code.

  41. I am a non practicing Catholic for reasons I have said before and mainly because I choose not to be a hypocrite. I can not logically make a choice to be a member of an organization that
    A) is against women
    B) tells me I am the sinner if I practice birth control
    And there are many reasons.
    I guess if you are baptized and confirmed you are considered Catholic forever unless you have been excommunicated and I have not. But it was never my choice it was my parents. Another thing I do not accept is picking your child’s religion. I do not believe in baptizing an infant and forcing a religion on them and did not my two.
    As for pedophiles they are everywhere. There are darn good priests out there and I do not condemn all Catholics for what was done by a handful. What I condemn is that the ” church” did not hand them over for the justice they righteously deserve.
    In this I again have a difference of opinion to the Catholic church. How can I walk into a church and practice a religion when I know they harbor criminals, hate women ? How is that Godly. How can Muslim women practice a faith that hates them and allows them to be murdered ? How can any female go in and be faithful to a religion that sees them as brood mares or to take care of their mans every need and to hell with hers ?

  42. Well said Utah.

  43. I liked those Nuns that were traveling around bringing up the poverty crisis that we have here now. A nun saved my life when I was little.

  44. Utah, laker loves your avatar.

  45. Laker has great taste. Who does not love Jack ? I adore Jack . He is yummy lmao

  46. I’m sure I mentioned before that I taught in a Catholic school fresh out of college before I doubled my salary at public school. I laugh at the attitude of graduates today who wait for their ship to stop in front of them right now. There were no decent jobs when I graduated and I did a stint in a stock room at a department store before I landed this job which took me a whole year to find. If I didn’t get off my ass, I would still be waiting to find a job and I took what was there. It’s what most of us had to do then, and it’s what needs to be done now. Young people would realize this if they didn’t score so high on the Narcissm scale.

    The nuns ran the whole show. They did all the work. The Monsignor was affectionately referred to by everyone as Joe The Golfer. You get the picture. lol. I developed a very close friendship with one of the sisters and I can tell you it takes a special person to do this with your life, because it’s not God you are the slave to, it’s the Church. I remember, and I hope that has changed, but I remember how the priests had these great retirement homes but the nuns had nothing. Most of them worked till they died. There was a priest who thought he was a movie star or something and he had a very nasty arrogant streak, particularly with the children. I once left my classroom and asked the principal to remove him from the room. The nuns despised him. I could tell you stories about this creep, not the least of which included when I was offered the job and he had a friend he wanted to have the job, so he chose to say I tried to go to bed with him. I am not making this shit up. I didn’t even know the guy but I knew that day he was a real piece of shit. I remember when the Sister superior told me what he said and i excused myself from the convent to go right over to him and confront him. I figured I didn’t have the job any longer, fired before I even started. Instead, she asked if I wouldn’t mind if she came along with me. I knew that day I wasn’t going to have a problem beause it was obvious the nuns knew what a POS this so-called priest was. He had this pathetic clique of women who followed him around like puppies and, although I never spoke to any of them or even showed up in their space, hated me, explained by Sister Supe as, “because you aren’t hard to look at”. I wondered how on earth anyone could worship such a creepy-crawly creature, but there is no accounting for tastes I guess. He used these women as slaves besides. I knew that the kids hated him and were uncomfortable with him as well and it wasn’t long before he was one of those priests who got “transferred’ a lot if you get my drift.I don’t need to tell you that this experience was in-part instrumental in my decision to leave the church ASAP.

    P.S I cut my teaching teeth on my very first day in a classroom full of 48 8th graders. Let’s just say I got my chops really fast.

  47. Italian bishops send congratulatory email to the wrong Pope. Too much Chianti.

  48. Uppity, I’m not defending pedophiles in the church. I’m simply responding to a few extreme comments that used the sins a few to vilify an institution and all of it’s followers. And I think it’s important to put things in their proper context to understand why things may have happened they way they did. Maybe that man who claimed to have been molested, yet went back to the Catholic church went through a similar process of trying to understand how it could happe
    n and understanding the bigass Christian principle of forgiveness, then he was able to return. Just guess.

  49. Hugo, two things I personally never find as forgivable offenses are rape and pedophilia. People who do these things are rarely reformed. They are repeat offenders and need to be removed from society if not the gene pool, and as a minimum should NEVER be placed in an environment that enables them again. A teacher who does this horrific thing to a child will NEVER teach again.A priest who does this should never wear the frock again. If the church had thought that way, they wouldn’t have been so badly damaged by the residual effects down the road. An obsession with protecting the church’s image resulted in far more damage in the end.

    That having been said, I did read the other comments here after the fact and I do understand your response to the severity of some of them. I can only say that people are generally a product of their experiences and sometimes this kind of thing just cannot be forgotten and stays with them for life. But yes, you had every right to respond and I think you did it with a good deal of dignity. xo.

  50. I agree that pedophiles are not ones who can be reformed and forgiveness doe not work there. Hence the struggle and the botch job.

    Hugs to you. I do appreciate the humor in your original post. We should all be able to laugh.

  51. Hugo sometimes laughing is all that’s left! lol.

    On a better note, it looks like this pope is about to teach those arrogant preening privileged boys in the Vatican a little humility. He refused to ride in his limo and rode the bus home with them and I suspect this guy is horrified at the extravagance and self-importance among cardinals and other big shots in the Vatican. I suspect he is about to give them a reminder of the real purpose of the church, and its purpose isn’t self-edification, arrogance and comfort. This guy is a simple man. This could be fun to watch. Lotsa squirming I suspect. While I’m sure I won’t have a thing to do with anything he has to say that involves controlling women, and I really don’t expect anything different from a Vatican locked in a time warp, I think I like this guy for the example he’s about to set.

  52. I think you’re correct. He’s going to set an example for that vow of poverty thing. The Jesuits in my state are thrilled. I suspect the other pope stepped aside so they could get someone to deal with the out of control clicks in the Vatican. Would love to be a fly on the wall.

    Gotta run!

  53. To wit:

    Catholics are learning all kinds of fun new tidbits about the new Holy Father, and we’re also starting to notice a pattern developing. We know that all religious leaders are supposed to be humble, but Pope Francis is like… really, really humble.

    Almost as soon as he emerged on the St. Peter’s balcony last night, people began talking about his “monk-like” existence, his distate for flash and luxury, and his love for the poor. Those who knew him from Argentina immediately remarked about he turned down things like a fancy Archbishops pad and private car. (He rides the bus to work!)

    Then he smiled. He asked the people to pray for him. He named himself after one of the all-time great champions of the poor. (No Roman numeral necessary, of course.)

    His first day on the job only confirmed, his down-to-earth nature. He left the Vatican early to pray at the more austere St. Mary Major basilica. After leaving through the side door, he skipped the Vatican limo to go back to his hotel and pick up his own bags … then paid the bill himself. Seriously? Can this guy be any nicer?

  54. But he can;t keep that up. He has a target on his back now.

  55. If there were a “School” of males likely to outsmart themselves and run their mouths substituting Logic for Truth until they FORCE themselves to declare women equals, it’s the S.O.J.

  56. Hugo, I’m sorry that you felt personally attacked – that I am attacking you and your commitment to follow the doctrines of the Catholic Church.

    So, let me make myself clear on my abhorance of your church – not you, personally.

    The Statistics
    In 2004, the John Jay report (see link below) stated that “10,667 people in the US had made allegations of child sexual abuse between 1950 and 2002 against 4,392 priests”

    Not all of them are necessarily guilty of the charge, while perhaps many more are yet to come to light. Many children/adults are embarrassed of sexual abuse and never speak of it.

    NOTE: This is only a report of US allegations, Ireland comes in second for the most reports of sexual misconduct in the Catholic Church, and many, many other countries have similar reports.

    Other estimates from Ireland put the figures at approximately 30,000, with similar numbers in Canada… (Source found at link below:

    The RAPES OF CHILDREN by Priests were not only THE CRIMES commtted by the Rapists themselves, but by those who conspired to deliberately cover it up and by those who knew about it and never reported it to authorities.

    Who knew about the sexual “misconduct” of these Priests? Throw a dart at the Dioceses, their body of Priests, their repspective Bishops and all the way up to the Vatican.

    As a Believer in Jesus, myself, as the first and foremost ADVOCATE for the love and protection of “little children” – I make no aplogies for being outraged over the televised, front page and ongoing coverage of the changing of the guard – nor the adoration of 1.2 billion members, worldwide – of such a Criminally, Sin-Riddled Religious Insitution.

    Child Abuse And The Catholic Church: A Gospel Of Tragedy

  57. Why Not, all of this is long public knowledge. Please consider that the billions of catholics on this earth are not responsible for the failure of their leadership. After that I would consider giving it a rest. Hugo doesn’t really deserve your wrath.

  58. I stand corrected, Uppity.

    Us biter ole, wrathful victims of denial, cover-ups and child rape apologists need to STFU – stop hating on goatf*ckers – stop questioning Islam as the religion of peace – be frugal and buy our head scarves at Walmart instead of Macy’s, and pray to Mother Phyllis (Shafly) for answers on how to submit to Men like….

    South Africa cardinal (who helped to elect new Pope) says paedophilia not a crime

  59. This isn’t about “Hugo” and YOU know that, Uppity. It’s about the VICTIMS of the evils of hypocrisy.

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