For those of you who are asking, What The Hell Is/Are The Ides of March, Anyways? you can get a typical Uppity explanation here. I think it was one of my best satires, even if only 25 people commented and I never forgave you for that. Where’s my drone when I need it?
I’ve put together some instructions to help you get through this very critical day, which really means to most of us that we’re half-way through March and Spring is just around the corner. Maybe. Now that IS critical, especially if you’ve spent the winter surrounded by snow banks. But just remember: To Caesar, The Ides Of March meant a whole lot more than that.
Here are your instructions:
Just go about your normal business. Buy something! It’s good for the economy! Just stay away from large groups of men in white dresses and sandals, especially if they are gathered around some guy with garland and other shit on his head. Also, if you see a Soothsayer rushing toward a crowd babbling in a panic, just make a path and let the guy through, even though nobody is going to believe a thing he says. He’s a lot like all these crackpots who keep predicting the End Of The World, with the major exception that he would actually be telling the truth and not making millions off of suckers. Real Soothsaying is such a thankless job.
Stay away from any shop, restaurant or dollar store in the mall that has the words, “Theater” or “Pompey” in its name. Walk by at a rapid clip. If you see or hear for the 5th time this month that anybody in a crowd of guys in white dresses is being murdered during a mall flash dance for Save The Salmon or something, call 911, but keep moving. No sense of being tagged as a witness. After the call, you could be more than reasonably certain that the police won’t arrive in time to save the victim and interfere with this historical event– and this week’s turkey named Brutus will be long gone. It will then take them 28 days to ID him, another month to find him, and even then he would only be considered a “suspect”. He would then outlive you while on death row as he works on his next appeal. So, it is best to just consider it another day in your neighborhood. Just step over the mess and keep heading toward that Macy’s sale, just like people now do in real life — and be glad you aren’t the mall maintenance guy.
If you were a woman, there wouldn’t have been much for you to worry about during Caesar’s particular Ides Of March, because you wouldn’t have been allowed to stand near the gnarly guys in white dresses anyways, much less participate in the forum, otherwise we would have seen a vagina-owner in at least one of the historical paintings handed down for posterity. They did probably use women to clean up the mess though — and that part would be included in Women’s History Month. But considering that today’s Guys In White Dresses and gnarly beards are something most women in their right minds don’t want to stand next to, much less be in the same country with, especially if they are petting a goat at the time, it’s all kind of moot anyways.
It might be wise to take away a lesson here from Caesar’s Ides of March, though. What would that lesson be, do you think?
I’ll go first:
1) You can always count on somebody you thought you could trust to stab you in the heart when you least expect it.
2) Here’s an excellent argument for bringing a gun to a knife fight.
More Romantic William Shakespeare Moments: