Ides of March Instructions

Mort di Cesar AKA Morte de Cesare - Vincenzo Camuccini, 1798

Mort di Cesar AKA Morte de Cesare – Vincenzo Camuccini, 1798

For those of you who are asking, What The Hell Is/Are The Ides of March, Anyways? you can get a typical Uppity explanation here. I think it was one of my best satires, even if only 25 people commented and I never forgave you for that. Where’s my drone when I need it?

I’ve put together some instructions to help you get through this very critical day, which really means to most of us that we’re half-way through March and Spring is just around the corner. Maybe. Now that IS critical, especially if you’ve spent the winter surrounded by snow banks. But just remember: To Caesar, The Ides Of March meant a whole lot more than that.

Here are your instructions:

OrangeCat1Just go about your normal business. Buy something! It’s good for the economy! Just stay away from large groups of men in white dresses and sandals, especially if they are gathered around some guy with garland and other shit on his head. Also, if you see a Soothsayer rushing toward a crowd babbling in a panic, just make a path and let the guy through, even though nobody is going to believe a thing he says. He’s a lot like all these crackpots who keep predicting the End Of The World, with the major exception that he would actually be telling the truth and not making millions off of suckers.  Real Soothsaying is such a thankless job.

Stay away from any shop, restaurant or dollar store in the mall that has the words, “Theater” or “Pompey” in its name. Walk by at a rapid clip.  If you see  or hear for the 5th time this month that anybody in a crowd of guys in white dresses  is being  murdered during a mall flash dance for Save The Salmon or something, call 911, but keep moving. No sense of being tagged as a witness.  After the call, you could be more than reasonably certain that the police won’t arrive in time to save the victim and interfere with this historical event– and this week’s turkey named Brutus will be long gone. It will then take them 28 days to ID him, another month to find him,  and even then he would only be considered a “suspect”. He would then outlive you while on death row as he works on his next appeal.  So, it is best to just consider it another day in your neighborhood.  Just step over the mess and  keep heading toward that Macy’s sale, just like people now do in real life — and be glad you aren’t the mall maintenance guy.

La Mort de Cesar - Jean-Léon Gérome (1824-1904)

La Mort de Cesar – Jean-Léon Gérome (1824-1904)

If  you were a woman, there wouldn’t have been much for you to worry about during Caesar’s  particular Ides Of March, because you wouldn’t have been allowed to stand near the gnarly guys in white dresses anyways, much less participate in the forum, otherwise we would have seen a vagina-owner in at least one of the historical paintings handed down for posterity. They did probably use women to clean up the mess though — and that part would be included in Women’s History Month. But considering that today’s Guys In White Dresses and gnarly beards are something most women in their right minds don’t want to stand next to, much less be in the same country with,  especially if they are petting a goat at the time, it’s all kind of moot anyways.

It might be wise to take away a lesson here from  Caesar’s Ides of March, though. What would that lesson be, do you think?

I’ll go first:

1)  You can always count on somebody you thought you could trust to stab you in the heart when you least expect it.

2)  Here’s an excellent argument for bringing a gun to a knife fight.

Your turn.

More Romantic William Shakespeare Moments:



27 Responses

  1. Oh the IDES of March! All this time I thought it was the PIES of March! Color me embarrassed!

  2. The Ides of March and I have to go see my tax guy.

  3. No no no! Do not go to your tax man on the Ides Of March!

  4. I did my taxes fairly early. But since my acct files them electronically, I don’t have to send my money till April 14.Hey I get no interest for giving it to them early.

  5. Today’s moron whose search string landed him here

    the eyes of march are upon you

  6. I was worried I was in an alternate timeline when I saw that your wonderful post had only 25 responses and I could have sworn I had made comments because the Ideas of March has always been a particular favorite. At first I thought I was probably behind the curve as usual so I searched and it seems that your satire drew a much larger reaction in reruns.

    In catholic school were taught how to make and read roman calenders while leaning bits of Latin. If the nones are on the seventh, the ides are on the 15th. And those darn Romans were always counting backwards as well. It did come in handy when we reached the old bards plays in junior high.

    The nuns loved those little learning tools like March, July, October, and May the nones fall on the seventh day. Which the roman version of 30 days hath September.

  7. OMG Hilarious! President has long meeting with republicans but couldn’t eat their food, although he “stared lovingly at it”.

  8. New hilarious post up.

  9. Yes yes Mt. Laurel I just reviewed your information and you are correct. Apparently I have to repeat things twice to get play!!!

  10. An annual Uppity tradition. Hail UW. Love the kitteh pics!

    I had to drive 200 miles for work yesterday and heard CPAC news on the radio. Quite the dysfunctional system we have these days, eh?

  11. Taxes on the Ides of March? Could have been worse, but my State can wait until the Ides of April.

  12. LOL! Banner & Ides! Banner & Shakespeare

  13. Yayyyyyyyyyyyy Valentine noticed! The rest of you, slow. Verrrrrrrrrry slow.

  14. ps: you are linked up again! xxoo! oh that banner.

  15. I knew you’d be linking me again. Heh. Consider me the turd link in the punchbowl as they ask, what on earth the UW have to do with erotic stories. Well, I’ll tell you wnat she has to do with erotic stories. She has a couple of those stories herself and they were tested in real life!

  16. you cut that out! I need you for the politics, bigger than that is the humor, did I say WIT!, feminism, recipes, cats, idle chatter, no nonsense everything, poignance?

    hugs you

  17. Yeah Valentine, there’s that too!

  18. Minutes after the election result was declared in the Sistine Chapel, a Vatican official called the Master of Ceremonies offered to the new Pope the traditional papal red cape trimmed with ermine that his predecessor Pope Benedict XVI gladly wore on ceremonial occasions.

    “No thank you, Monsignore,” Pope Francis is reported to have replied. “You put it on instead. Carnival time is over!”

  19. Yeah! do you realize we are going on? how many years now since the heady years in 2008. OMG. That is 6, count ’em, “6” years. Wow.

    ps: did I say pie and recipes and deadenders & freedomfairy and ummmm well, the way you make everyone so comfortable and if they screw up you tell them off and? yeah that too!

  20. Cracking me up, Valentine.

  21. ps omg epicurious had a little something flash by in google+ going to go get. ps: grease pan with butter or oilive oil!

    ps: king arthur flour omg. (not that I’m cooking but)

  22. I use King Arthur flour. Good stuff.

  23. I’m looking back at the recipes remembering that year we did those, and Clara that you had. Peaches in Wine of your grandfather’s.

  24. Yes Valentine, I sat on his knee and he peeled the fresh peach and sliced it into his own home made red wine, using his pocket knife.

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