@marksanford Hey Mark. As the song goes, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”
— Uppity Woman (@UppityWomanBlog) March 19, 2013
Oh my oh my oh my! Mark Sanford is running in a Primary today. He wants to be a Republican Fun- House of Representatives candidate.
This is more than any blogger could hope for. The man who gave me hours of blogging pleasure is in a primary run-off in South Carolina today. Fresh from his last Appalachian Bury The Salami run, Mark Sanford wants to go to Congress on behalf of all of South Carolina’s barn animals as well as the state’s 1st district.
I hardly know where to begin. 15 others are running against Mark today, including some guy named Chip Limehouse. Yes, that’s right. Someone on this earth is named Chip Limehouse. I could list the names of all of Mark’s competition in this primary, but who cares? I have here a golden opportunity to repost Mark’s personal love story, which he was kind enough to share with a couple of hundred million people back in the days when he got caught hiking to Argentina. How could the rest possibly matter?
Mark! I have so missed you, man! And thanks for the opportunity to revive some great laughs we all had at your infantile expense! I do declare that the only way this could get better is if your ex-wife were running against you!
Repost #1, June 24, 2009: Mark Sanford clears both heads by hiking an Appalachian trail all the way to Argentina:
Okay I don’t know WTF is up with Governor Sanford, but somebody needs to find out.
He disappeared. As in nobody could find him or reach him.
His office said he was hiking to “clear his head”. Then they said he checked in and would be back from hiking early because of the publicity surrounding his mysterious absence. The Lt. Governor, who would preside over an emergency, had no idea where he was either. In fact, the Governor told nobody he was leaving, much less where he was going.
He’s back. And he was in Argentina, where he went to “clear his head”after a difficult legislative decision.
As it turns out, Sanford was nowhere near the Appalachian Trail. He was in Buenos Aires, Argentina, thousands of miles away in South America.
…..as we all do.
“I wanted to do something exotic,” Sanford told The State. “It’s a great city.”
All Righty then. Can you say, “A little evaluation from the neck up is in order”?
His wife said she didn’t know where he was either, except that he said he wanted to get away from the kids on Father’s Day. Mmmkay.
But Carol Fowler, South Carolina Democratic Party chairwoman, said that since the constitution does not define emergency, a tornado or prison problem or some other issue could have triggered a “constitutional crisis” about who wields authority in his absence.
Remember them? Nice folks too. That is, if you’re into mean and malicious.
I’m not sure which is worse: A governor who mysteriously disappears and lands in Argentina — or Bonnie and Clyde noticing his absence.
It sure is good to know we can all feel “safe” with either of these two parties, isn’t it?
In any event, Republicans can scratch Sanford off that 2012 list. Newt must be pleased. Two more kneecaps he won’t have to break.
**Update, apparently Governor Sanford was clearing the wrong head.
The plot thickened after that post. Mark Sanford was a man of great prowess! He did indeed hike all the way to Argentina to meet up with The Love Of His Life.
When Mr. Family Values arrived in Argentina, he didn’t untie his hiking boots for the mother of his children, also casually known as Mr. Family Value’s Wife. He was much closer to God than that! In fact, rumor has it he yelled God! a number of times during his post-hike meetup, when he was “Clearing His Head”. Gawd, the jokes just wrote themselves with this story!
Repost #2: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Or…..I guess you almost HAVE to confess when your emails show up all over the place..:
Okay everybody, get your barf buckets out.
Here’s a link to excerpts of emails sent by Governor Sanford to his girlfriend in Argentina.
Warning, the shit is piled high here.
….You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details …
Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true – at the same time we are in a hopelessly – or as you put it impossible – or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes …
Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before – so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know… In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”
I guess somebody needs to educate these old boys that emails aren’t really all that secure, ya know?
At least the web site had the good sense to keep the woman’s full name secret, although a reporter did try to interview her. We do know she has two kids and her name is Maria.
Sorry, I just couldn’t resist….
Well……..it was that or ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?”
Jaysusssssssssssssssss Marky! And you’re running for office again?
Repost #3: The Horniest Press Conference, Evah!
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Gov. Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he had visited with his Argentine mistress more times than he initially disclosed and that he had had inappropriate flirtations with several other women as well.
Dang! Got any emails on those other affairs Mark?
In an interview with The Associated Press at his Statehouse office, Mr. Sanford said that those flirtations had “crossed the line” and that he had let his “guard down” by engaging in some physical contact with women other than his wife, Jenny Sanford. But, he said, with the exception of the sexual relationship he began last year with , María Belén Chapur, the Argentine woman, those flirtations “didn’t cross the sex line.”
Yes, yes, we know. You let your sweet, innocent “guard down,” while those nasty Sirens tempted you. After all, you’re such a hottie. Hey, listen, could you elaborate, please? Thousands of Americans are breathing heavily. I mean, if you had physical contact with them but “didn’t cross the sex line,” how did you pull that off? (Scuse the pun. Chuckle).
On Tuesday, in disclosing several other assignations with Ms. Chapur in Manhattan and the Hamptons over the last year, Mr. Sanford said he had not spent any other state money on his illicit visits.
“I was very careful,” he said. “Everything was paid for in cash.”
Oh yeah. You were really careful. You’re a model of discretion. That’s why two continents know all all about it now. Do yourself a favor Mark. Shut up for an hour.
Listen, Mark, your wife is getting really pissed off at your incessant need to make Boo Hoo True Confessions in front of cameras. Trust me on this. We women have a sense about these things. TMI. You’re toast. I can tell. Stop it. You’re making everybody sick.
Here’s an idea, Mark: Resign, so the Republican Party can put your wife in your slot, since I suspect she did all your most of your work for you while you played in the tub with your duckie, little boy. If you do this, you can buy yourself a Harley and pretend you’re really cool and chase all the girls. The only problem is you’re not very attractive and after you are no longer Governor, the pickins’ are going to be really slim. This will be especially so after your wife uses all your stupid R-rated public confessions in court and cleans your clock.
But hey, don’t let that stop you, Dude!
****Update, thanks to our reader, “finely”. Get ready to put your wince gear on:
“This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” said Sanford, sounding more and more like a cheap romance novelist. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”
As for his loyal wife, Jenny, he’s trying hard to rekindle their romance, Sanford allowed. But post-Maria, he set the bar high.
“I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate,” he swooned. “But it was one of those things. I knew the cost.”
I’m glad you feel ready to die over this, Mark, because your wife probably wants to kill you in your sleep.
Good God. This man is running an entire state. Somebody please stuff a rag in his mouth.
Marky! Welcome back, man! Under ordinary circumstances, I would say that you have a better chance of seeing God than winning tonight. But then again, it IS South Carolina, just another one of those states where God forgives all things, just so long as it’s not somebody else’s thing.