Mark Sanford is back! It’s like winning the blogging material lottery!

Oh my oh my oh my! Mark Sanford is running in a Primary today. He wants to be a Republican Fun- House of Representatives candidate.

This is more than any blogger could hope for. The man who gave me hours of blogging pleasure is in a primary run-off in South Carolina today. Fresh from his last Appalachian Bury The Salami run, Mark Sanford wants to go to Congress on behalf of all of South Carolina’s barn animals as well as the state’s 1st district.

I hardly know where to begin. 15 others are running against Mark today, including some guy named Chip Limehouse. Yes, that’s right. Someone on this earth is named Chip Limehouse. I could list the names of all of Mark’s competition in this primary, but who cares? I have here a golden opportunity to repost Mark’s personal love story, which he was kind enough to share with a couple of hundred million people back in the days when he got caught hiking to Argentina. How could the rest possibly matter?

Mark! I have so missed you, man! And thanks for the opportunity to revive some great laughs we all had at your infantile expense! I do declare that the only way this could get better is if your ex-wife were running against you!


Repost #1, June 24, 2009: Mark Sanford clears both heads by hiking an Appalachian trail all the way to Argentina:

Mark_Sanford,_Congressional_photoOkay I don’t know WTF is up with Governor Sanford, but somebody needs to find out.

He disappeared. As in nobody could find him or reach him.

His office said he was hiking to “clear his head”. Then they said he checked in and would be back from hiking early because of the publicity surrounding his mysterious absence. The Lt. Governor, who would preside over an emergency, had no idea where he was either. In fact, the Governor told nobody he was leaving, much less where he was going.

He’s back. And he was in Argentina, where he went to “clear his head”after a difficult legislative decision.

As it turns out, Sanford was nowhere near the Appalachian Trail. He was in Buenos Aires, Argentina, thousands of miles away in South America.

… we all do.

“I wanted to do something exotic,” Sanford told The State. “It’s a great city.”

All Righty then. Can you say, “A little evaluation from the neck up is in order”?

His wife said she didn’t know where he was either, except that he said he wanted to get away from the kids on Father’s Day. Mmmkay.

But Carol Fowler, South Carolina Democratic Party chairwoman, said that since the constitution does not define emergency, a tornado or prison problem or some other issue could have triggered a “constitutional crisis” about who wields authority in his absence.

“The governor just abandoned his job,” she told Tuesday, when the governor was still thought to have been hiking.
fowlersOh goodie. The Fowlers.

Remember them? Nice folks too. That is, if you’re into mean and malicious.

I’m not sure which is worse: A governor who mysteriously disappears and lands in Argentina — or Bonnie and Clyde noticing his absence.

It sure is good to know we can all feel “safe” with either of these two parties, isn’t it?

In any event, Republicans can scratch Sanford off that 2012 list. Newt must be pleased. Two more kneecaps he won’t have to break.

**Update, apparently Governor Sanford was clearing the wrong head.

The plot thickened after that post. Mark Sanford was a man of great prowess! He did indeed hike all the way to Argentina to meet up with The Love Of His Life.

When Mr. Family Values arrived in Argentina, he didn’t untie his hiking boots for the mother of his children, also casually known as Mr. Family Value’s Wife. He was much closer to God than that! In fact, rumor has it he yelled God! a number of times during his post-hike meetup, when he was “Clearing His Head”. Gawd, the jokes just wrote themselves with this story!

Repost #2: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Or…..I guess you almost HAVE to confess when your emails show up all over the place..:

Okay everybody, get your barf buckets out.

Here’s a link to excerpts of emails sent by Governor Sanford to his girlfriend in Argentina.
Warning, the shit is piled high here.

barf_buddy_vomit_bucket….You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details …

Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true – at the same time we are in a hopelessly – or as you put it impossible – or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes …

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before – so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know… In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”

I guess somebody needs to educate these old boys that emails aren’t really all that secure, ya know?

At least the web site had the good sense to keep the woman’s full name secret, although a reporter did try to interview her. We do know she has two kids and her name is Maria.

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist….

Well…… was that or ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

Jaysusssssssssssssssss Marky! And you’re running for office again?

Repost #3: The Horniest Press Conference, Evah!

Mark Sanford with relatives

Mark Sanford with relatives

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Gov. Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he had visited with his Argentine mistress more times than he initially disclosed and that he had had inappropriate flirtations with several other women as well.

Dang! Got any emails on those other affairs Mark?

In an interview with The Associated Press at his Statehouse office, Mr. Sanford said that those flirtations had “crossed the line” and that he had let his “guard down” by engaging in some physical contact with women other than his wife, Jenny Sanford. But, he said, with the exception of the sexual relationship he began last year with , María Belén Chapur, the Argentine woman, those flirtations “didn’t cross the sex line.”

Yes, yes, we know. You let your sweet, innocent “guard down,” while those nasty Sirens tempted you. After all, you’re such a hottie. Hey, listen, could you elaborate, please? Thousands of Americans are breathing heavily. I mean, if you had physical contact with them but “didn’t cross the sex line,” how did you pull that off? (Scuse the pun. Chuckle).

On Tuesday, in disclosing several other assignations with Ms. Chapur in Manhattan and the Hamptons over the last year, Mr. Sanford said he had not spent any other state money on his illicit visits.

“I was very careful,” he said. “Everything was paid for in cash.”

Oh yeah. You were really careful. You’re a model of discretion. That’s why two continents know all all about it now. Do yourself a favor Mark. Shut up for an hour.

Sanford SniffsListen, Mark, your wife is getting really pissed off at your incessant need to make Boo Hoo True Confessions in front of cameras. Trust me on this. We women have a sense about these things. TMI. You’re toast. I can tell. Stop it. You’re making everybody sick.

Here’s an idea, Mark: Resign, so the Republican Party can put your wife in your slot, since I suspect she did all your most of your work for you while you played in the tub with your duckie, little boy. If you do this, you can buy yourself a Harley and pretend you’re really cool and chase all the girls. The only problem is you’re not very attractive and after you are no longer Governor, the pickins’ are going to be really slim. This will be especially so after your wife uses all your stupid R-rated public confessions in court and cleans your clock.

But hey, don’t let that stop you, Dude!

****Update, thanks to our reader, “finely”. Get ready to put your wince gear on:

This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” said Sanford, sounding more and more like a cheap romance novelist. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

As for his loyal wife, Jenny, he’s trying hard to rekindle their romance, Sanford allowed. But post-Maria, he set the bar high.

“I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate,” he swooned. “But it was one of those things. I knew the cost.”
I’m glad you feel ready to die over this, Mark, because your wife probably wants to kill you in your sleep.

Good God. This man is running an entire state. Somebody please stuff a rag in his mouth.

Marky! Welcome back, man! Under ordinary circumstances, I would say that you have a better chance of seeing God than winning tonight. But then again, it IS South Carolina, just another one of those states where God forgives all things, just so long as it’s not somebody else’s thing.


80 Responses

  1. There are rumblings that Anthony Weiner may run for office again too.

    Hopefully South Carolinians won’t mindlessly vote for the name they recognize……..but hey I have less and less faith in voters. I can’t believe the R’s didn’t do whatever they had to to keep him off the ballot. If he wins the primary he’ll get trounced in the general, at least I assume he will.

    If he were to get elected is there some subcommittee that studies the Appalachians he could serve on???

  2. Oh for Chrissakes. These guys are like a communicable disease. You just can’t get rid of them.

  3. Somebody nobody can stop anybody from being on a ballot, so long as they get the necessary number of petition signatures. Only way to get them off is to uncover fraud on the peititions or….if the person is ineligible by law. Lying and adultery and hypocrisy don’t qualify.

  4. New Low for our trashy Rape-Apologist media. They have revealed the name of the Steubenville victim.

  5. Today is Needlenose’s birthday!

  6. Catholic Cardinal thinks pedophilia is an illness and should not be punished as a crime. Uggghhh.

  7. Happy birthday beautiful puppy !!

  8. Both parties have these nasty idiotic lifers and people do not get it. Why the heck does CA. keep voting for all their losers and not try new blood ? The state is in crisis and hello they vote the ones back in that keep them there. It is an epidemic in this country. It seems if you are a D you will vote for a D no matter and blame the R,s. If you are an R you will vote an R and blame the D,s. Me I vote for who is going to stop spending 50 % of every dollar I earn on stupid shit and stop meddling in my affairs. Yes the D,s of the past have been for women but I sure do not see that now. What I see is they are out to change this country and hell let us not kid ourselves they have done it. We are socialist. Now we have to pay through the teeth for everything. That is why I most often go for a R candidate because they tend to be more fiscally responsible or shall I say were. If We could only get some in that knew we can not afford all the crap we are doing and balanced a budget or hell even got a budget it would shock hell out of me. Both sides have crap right now both sides. I honestly do not know any of them that is worth a shit and do not pretend they are. Like Uppity said in a way do not hand me shit and say it is ice cream.
    They want my guns and to think otherwise is nuts. They want my money and are getting it that is for sure.
    Next will be books, they have already stricken down the first amendment with all the PC shit.
    I think both sides are crap. Shit is shit and it matters not which animal delivers it !

  9. Ahh happy Birthday Der Needlenose puppy. You will always be a puppy to me . I loves me my Needlenose even if she does quack a duck to get mom off the phone lmao.

  10. Ha Ha that dickwad Bill Maher says Libs could lose him rofffffff. Yea Bill see how it feels when your crap ideas hit you in the wallet ? It was just fine by you to pick the hell out of my pocket but when it hits you ??????????

  11. Puppy! Puppy!!!!

  12. Puppppppppppppyyyyyyyyy!!!

    Mommy! Somebody broke in and did this and I chased him away!

  13. Utah, I know you will appreciate the Eye Contact in that training shot and tell me You did Good Uppity!

  14. Sophie, sounds like a cardinal who knows allllllllll about it. You see, this is why I can NEVER return to them. They are perverts.

  15. I just posted a pic of the recovering BillWilly, and his family:) Hi all, and hello UW!

  16. Upps you know you did great. She is an awesome girl. Only thing you and I both could not pass and lol really did not want to is leaving her with someone else. Always thought that was dumb to have to leave your puppers and walk away. Can’t remember what it was for but Whiskey was having no part of it. Wasn’t it for some AKC thing ? Heck was so darn long ago with Whiskey I forget. Cripes Whiskey will be 12 in June. Kahlua is actually older then I thought. She is closer to 18 years old according to this vet I took her to for her blood work and nerve issues. She is hanging in there but I am afraid that her time is coming. ACDs live 12 to 15 years normally so overall I guess I gave her a good run. When her time comes I will accept it but sheesh why do our kids have to leave so soon ?
    So how old is my sweet colliewog ? I believe this is her 8th birthday am I right ?
    Listen Uppity just give me my darn dog will ya ?

  17. Love her photos Upps. That I am so innocent of shredding the paper one is the bomb. I love the looks on their faces when they get caught lmao. Darn good snap of her sitting in her training class as a baby. Uppity you hit gold with that girl and you did right by her going through all the training you did. I just wish more folks got that message and would commit 100% when they decide to take a puppy home. If they did I would not have to clean up their mess.
    Spaying neutering and training would leave shelters out of business.
    You know how I feel. They require you to have permits to own so many things and prove you are worthy of doing so but not with animals. I think animal abusers ought to be right up there in the top ten for the needle.

  18. Happy Birthday, Needlenose!

    Does he get a St. Joseph’s zeppole today?

  19. Utah!! I finally made that corned beef! Had it Sunday!

  20. Happy Birthday Needlenose!! What an absolutely gorgeous girl!!

    Uppity, I should have said pressured him, found a really good lobbying job, whatever the R’s needed to do to keep him off the ballot. I know technically he’s allowed to run.

    I can’t believe the media released the victim’s name how despicable. Journalism just continue to reach new lows.

    Pope phone call funny! I’m not Catholic, but what I know of this new Pope, I like him. He’s like a breath of fresh air at the Vatican, very humble and down to earth. The Cardinal’s view on pediophilia disgusting. He’s not alone though there is a push from many quarters to normalize pediophilia and/or to consider it an illness rather than a crime. I guess the $64,000 question is what is new Pope’s view?

    Bill Maher…….screw him, twisted, misogynist pig. I have no sympathy for him. Reap what you sow and Billy your harvest hasn’t begun to come in.

  21. Happy Birthday lovely Needlenose 🙂

  22. Awesome Sophie !! How was it ? I just went out and bought one this year. Yummy good. One of my favorite dinners.

  23. Upps, we have yet another connection. My daughter was born on this day. Happy Birthday cake for one and doggie treats for the other.

  24. Karen it is also my late brother’s birthday.

  25. Happy b’day to Needlenose!!

    I saw on the teevee last night that ole Mark is one of sixteen in this Repub primary. That ought to be fun!

  26. She’s doing well Utah, she’s kind of shaggy right now, due for the Sheering lol. She was born in 2006. You’re talking about the Canine Good Citizen CGC test. Hahah it was hilarious when I left her with the examiner and disappeared. She went BALLISTIC!

    I did finally get her through it a second time though, but it was a nail biter. I still don’t get it. But I was worried that if I ever dropped to the ground or something, she would never let medics near me, so I guess it has it’s value. She does go very easily with people she knows well, she stays next door a lot, she loves those two old folks, and she has overnighted at my cousin’s, but I honestly don’t think it would be easy for anybody to come in here and get by her first. When I was running that time and hit the patch of ice, she was with me and wouldn’t let others near me. She just hovered over me and wasn’t having any of it. lol. So it has its good points and its bad, as you know, because nobody is ever going to steal her without bleeding.

    I kept meaning to ask you how your dog was doing,but knowing you, I knew she was having quality time. Collies have the same kind of life span, which is one more reason I chose one. I wanted a good sized dog with longevity. Just damned perfect breed of dog far as I can see. Gremlins fur notwithstanding when she blows her coat.

  27. When collies are born they look like beagles! This is Der Nadel at 2 weeks. The hands are my breeders’ husband so you don’t think I have arms like a guy. lol.

  28. “Expert” witness for the defense says Poor Poor Jodi Arias suffered PTSD after a traumatic experience. The experience? She stabbed Travis 29 times, including his head and his heart, slit his throat ear to ear and shot him in the head.

  29. Happy Birthday to the beautiful Needlenose & Many More! Damn, that is a gorgeous animal. And she looks like she has so much personality. What a treasure.

  30. Upps, happy for you that you got to write about such a fun subject! I enjoyed rereading the posts. I’d forgotten about that revolting email.

    Sophie, I made corned beef last nite. I got it at Whole Foods, all natural, organic vegetarian feed (no GMO) and the dudes said it was the best one I ever made. I always toss in a few extra allspice & cloves in the water. I served it with Greek style potatoes & asparagus. Everything came out perfect and yummy.

  31. Well, the polls should have closed there by now, so we should hear pretty soon.

    Here is Colbert being Colbert:

  32. I served it with Greek style potatoes & asparagus

    How do you fix Greek style potatoes?

  33. I buy nice small organic potatoes, red or white or golden, wash them good, peel them if needed. Then I cut them into small pieces, first cut lengthwise, then in half twice, so they are like little pyramids. I squeeze lemon juice on them, salt & pepper, herbs (oregano is good if you don’t have a good dried herb mix), toss them in melted butter, or a melted butter/olive oil mix. Then I put them on a baking pan and bake for 20 to 30 min (til almost cooked). Then I turn on the broiler & broil them so they get a little browned for about 5 – 10 min (you have to watch them to make sure they don’t burn) and I use a spatula and flip them over the last few minutes. Then I put them in a dish with any leftover butter/Olive oil from the dish and toss them so they are coated wtih herbs and stuff. If I was making them with a leg of lamb or a roast, I would add some au jus from the meat to them before baking. My Dad used to add them to the roast baking pan, & I do that also if there is room in the pan. They should be a little crunchy outside and soft outside and delicious all over. They are great leftovers also. 🙂

  34. I meant to say “…any leftover butter/Oilive Oil from the PAN”

  35. Also meant to say “…and soft inside”. Geesh! I have major brain fog.

  36. I love roasted potatoes greek style. The lemon makes allllllllll the difference, and tons of oregano.

    Take a look at this scheeve’s face will you?

    Steubenville High School football coach Reno Saccoccia not only knew that two of his players had sexually assaulted a teen-age girl during a booze-fueled night last August, he also tried to shield his athletes from prosecution, evidence presented during last week’s trial of the two players suggests.

    Saccoccia, who has won three state championships and has been inducted into the Ohio Coaches Hall of Fame, is just one of the Steubenville coaches, parents and students who could face criminal charges after a grand jury reviews evidence from the case next month

    I hope they burn you but good, you scheevy fucker.

  38. Yup, Fredster, 15 people running against Mr. Lover. lolol.

    Anybdoy getting results on that race?

  39. Wow! I didn’t know this, Stephen Colbert’s sister is on the Democratic side in Sanford’s race! If Sanford wins the run off April 2nd, he’ll run against her! Also, Sanford’s wife Jenny had been considering running for the seat herself. When she decided not to, Mark asked her if she’d run his campaign. She said no and he said, “I would pay you this time.” What gall!

  40. Here is a link saying that Sanford advances to run off, but doesn’t have any actual results

    Here is another link saying Sanford is going to be in a run off, but the race for second place is too close to call

  41. He asked his wife to run his campaign!!!??? My god the man has the manners and social grace of a barn animal.

    I would LOVE for his wife to run against him.

    I figured he’d end up in a runoff. I mean with all those people in the race, he could be a finalist with 8 percent of the vote. lolol.

  42. I also don’t think being the sister of that crackpot colbert is helpful.

  43. He’s in a run off with Ted Turner’s son Teddy.

  44. OMG Ted Turner is a dork! What the H are S Carolinans drinking!

  45. Not Ted, Teddy. Ted Turner is a Democrat. Teddy Turner is a Republican. Teddy Turner is a high school teacher.

  46. Teddy Turner.

  47. OMG! Check this out! It gets better and better…or worse and worse!

    For those of you who missed the first installment of this Real Housewives of Charleston drama, Teddy Turner – son of liberal media mogul Ted Turner – was accused by one of his campaign rivals of impregnating “his nanny” during his second marriage.

    Turner – who is now married to the woman in question – issued a statement saying he was “never caught cheating” and that the nanny in question (a.k.a. his third wife, Blair Turner) “worked for another family.” Meanwhile a spokesman for Turner accused his second wife – Charleston, S.C. attorney Leslie Turner – of infidelity, alleging the couple’s divorce records had been sealed at her request.

  48. Anyway, in an effort to separate truth from fiction (and substance from smear), FITS has tapped our lengthy rolodex of Charleston, S.C. housewives.

    What did we uncover?

    According to our sources, both Turner and his accuser are half-correct. While Turner may not have been “caught” cheating on his second wife, he did cheat on her. And while he may not have impregnated his own family’s nanny, he did impregnate the nanny of another Charleston family.

    Which family? The one belonging to Pierre Manigault, owner of the Post and Courier.

  49. Turner also embezzled some big bucks too, I can’t remember the full story but he’s a thief and a con artist too. S Carolinians are morons.

  50. Ohhhh…thanks for the recipe for the taters socal. I copied that into Word for future reference!

  51. OMG, I didn’t realize they had a peyote epidemic going on in South Carolina! Hell I didn’t even know it grew there, but that has to be the only explanation. Out of 8 candidates this was the cream of the crop? No pun intended, lol!

  52. Somebody, whatchu call Creme de la Crappe.

  53. Somebody needs to plan an intervention for NES. She has become hopelessly smitten with Pope Francis Soon there will be no hope.

  54. Fredster, I got a greek recipe for lamb an potatoes roasted with that lemon, tons of oregano, olive oil and beer. It’s deadly delicious. There is no better roasted potato than the Greek way.

  55. Yes I meant ted junior, imust. See that video. He’s a dork.

  56. My God, imagine choosing between Mark Sanford and Ted Turner Jr. Dear God, these people are truly warped.

  57. Upps is exaggerating – I’m only a little smitten with Pope Francis…(no really). But, c’mon, who could resist? He’s adorrrrrable!

  58. See what I mean, gang? This is serious.

  59. Whoa Upps, you have knocked it outta the ballpark (and on to Sanford’s headS!). Deliciously cruel; cruelly delicious. Yum!

  60. “Chip Limehouse”???!!!! NFW.

  61. Yeah who the Eff names their kid Chip Limehouse.

  62. Deliciously cruel; cruelly delicious. Yum!

    My Speciaaaaaaaaaalityyyyyyyyy.

  63. Gad, what a bunch of losers for the SC runoff. Maybe Busch will win! I hope she does, she shouldn’t get any flack becuz of her brother. He talked about her on his show not too long ago.

    He offered the Repub party of SC $500,000 to help pay for the primary or runoff, but they have to name it after him! They turned him down, probably afraid of whatever hijinks he’ll come up with for the occasion. He was going to give them the money out of his Super PAC, which he started as a way to criticize that creepy “corporations are people” ruling that created all these monstrous super pacs. Anyway, the irony is, he created one and announced it on his show and ended up getting a ton of money donated to it! I wonder if Colbert will try to help his sister win, maybe make whatever idiot she ends up running against look like a baboon or something.

  64. okay – please vote in this one…


    and I’d like to say that Jerry Lewis once called me at home, i answered whilst on the crapper….

    Me: Hello
    Jerry Lewis: Hi, this is Jerry Lewis.
    Me: Right. And I’m the queen of France, Jerry.

    true story.

  65. You could have at least told him you were on the crapper, John.

  66. I have to check out all of these links I cannot believe S.C. is such a bizarro place.

  67. I want to know if he cries as much as the Creamsicle, um, Speaker does?

  68. Hey don’t forget that it was Miss Teen South Carolina who had to answer the map question.

  69. true. i needed him to sign something and had to endure a lecture about how awful hollywood is first. in the end he signed off on this nonsense thing and apologized for going on and on…i said “trust me, Mr Lewis, nothing more interesting than talking to you will happen to me today..”

    why am i telling you this? insomnia. i also have a good sid caesar story and some random faye dunaway tales…but who doesn’t? anyway…i hope colbert clocks sanford but i won’t bet on it.

  70. Can somebody please tell me if the video I posted here of Miss Teen South Carolina shows up for you?

  71. Can somebody please tell me if the video I posted here of Miss Teen South Carolina shows up for you?

    Could somebody PLEASE answer me!

  72. Nevermind fuck it. I can’t get any help around here. Nobody’s videos are showing up for me in Firefox and I can’t fucking fix it if nobody will help me. I keep asking, not just today, but you’re all too busy, then you show up here and wonder where I am. When one of you has a computer problem I come to a screetching halt for you, but I can’t even get a frigging yes or no from one of you when I am doing some troubleshooting.

  73. ohn, I’m glad it was Sid instead of Milton Berle. But he never bothered with anybody except prepubescent girls.

  74. The video shows up, Uppity.

  75. Happy Birthday Needlenose!

  76. Ah thank you Why Not. Finally, somebody actually read one of my comments!

    Problem is, I can’t see it. Not only can I not see it, but I can’t see anybody else’s. It’s not just a blank space. It doesn’t even look like a video was inserted. Yesterday I posted the very same video Fredster posted because I didn’t see that he posted it. I’m sure it’s one of my settings, since i am a security paranoid, but i just wanted to know that others can see them when i post them. I can see them in Chrome. Sputter…..

  77. Upps . . . you have to ask these questions when I’m up early in the morning and not at work, trying to catch up on the sleep I lost in the past 2 weeks.
    It showed up for me.But the video was the last comment I saw here before I had to get ready for work.

Comments are closed.