Food taster for the new strangely humble Pope: A job nobody will want.

Old Pope and Friend.

Old Pope and Friend.

As usual, The Ritual Was The Thing. The Votes were cast and recast, placed in a special Vessel, then tied together with Special String and stored in a Special Place, and blah blah blah.

Then the white smoke cascaded out of The Royal Chimney.

Little did anyone know that a Real Pope had been selected by default by a bunch of  small, self-impressed, long out-of-touch and overly-privileged men in beanies — who fancy themselves nearer to God than you are, exempting themselves from all those rules that apply to the flock, while the nuns clean up after them. Possibly plied with too much wine, and knowing they had better pretend to clean up their own act while finding a way not to clean up their own act, they forgot that the guy they were forced by default to select is a humble Jesuit. Now who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Now I already know I won’t agree with a single Rule affecting women that he will continue  “enforcing” and the majority of his faithful will continue to ignore.  That’s just not going to happen. He’ll continue to pick on women, gays and lesbians as if they are the scourge of the earth,  but in a much nicer way, as if that will make a difference. All of this ensures I will never consider Catholicism as a welcome thing in my life, even though my DNA designated me a Catholic before anybody even asked me what I thought about it. All of this is true. But I do have to admit I am enjoying myself watching him make the Bureaucracy twitch. It couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

New Pope and Friends.

New Pope and Friends.

The first thing he did after his win was refuse to wear the pompously gauche red cape trimmed in ermine. Then he had the audacity to refuse to ride in the special limousine suitable for Royalty, and instead he rode with the others on the bus. When shown his Papal suite, he remarked,

“There’s room for 300 people here —I don’t need all this space”.

The next day, he left the Vatican through a back door, went to the priest’s hotel he was staying at before he was chosen as Pope, paid his bill and picked up his bags, which he carried himself.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio riding a bus.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio riding a bus.

Then he strolled right past the Basilica and said a couple of masses in a church hardly anybody has ever heard of.

He made a couple of phone calls. Himself. Identifying himself as Pope Francis, he met with responses such as, “Yeah and I’m Napoleon”.

Then came another blow to the Vatican ego:  He wouldn’t allow the pharisees to hoist him upon the hand-carried throne his predecessors reveled in when moving among the dirty masses of peasants. He chose to ride in an open jeep, forcing Vatican’s security people’s eyes to pop out of their heads. “Miraculously,” nothing happened to Francis, unless you include an ear-assault from the roaring crowd who loved his accessible attitude. To make matters worse, he  invited a person to come before him so he could bless his dog. All of this just has to be disturbing to a bunch of guys who didn’t get around to publicly admitting until the year 2000 that Galileo was right and the earth really wasn’t flat.

Old Pope's Shoes

Old Pope’s Shoes

Oh, there’s no doubt about it  Francis is bad for the The Company, but good for the Consumer. Probably the most common noise emanating from the Vatican these past few weeks is a horrified gasping sound as the residents meet up with Pope Francis. Not Francis IX. Not even Francis The First. Just Francis. He insisted. He chose the name of a guy who was the champion of the poor and the guardian of the least among us: The animals.

Things have been getting better worse ever since, too.

New Pope's Shoes

New Pope’s Shoes

Just when the Boys In The Band started to think he couldn’t shock them more than he already has, Pope Francis went and made a mockery out of yet another silly ritual where a pope pretends he’s Jesus. That darn Pope Francis actually ……….Gasp!!!!……..washed some wimminz feet! Everybody knows Jesus doesn’t like that kind of stuff!.That’s reserved for men.

Enough is enough! This just can’t work in a world of archaic pharisees who find great joy in brocade and staffs, opulent living arrangements, silly two-foot-high crowns, and vestments of silk and embroidery, all designed for their self-edification and to ensure that you all understand they are above you at all times.

Refusing to be pre-occupied with silly primpo rituals, convenient rules, and pomp and circumstance, Pope Francis-With-No-Roman-Numeral is not too popular among the church popinjays, also known as “Traditionalists”.  No sir. This guy won’t even wear that red cape with the ermine collar for God’s sake (excuse the pun). He doesn’t do red shoes made of the carcasses of  slaughtered newborn calves. What has the world come to when a guy gets put in charge of the largest corporation in the world under the cover of religion —and chooses to Lead By Example instead of ungodly arrogance and privilege?

Pope Francis has done what so many believed would be impossible. He has forced the RCC to catch itself in its own snotty, disgraceful unChristian irony. He cares more about the poor and the regular people than he cares about some preening men in red beanies and pointy crowns and their next promotions. He cares more about touching the people and walking among them than being carried around perched in a Pharoah’s throne. He is also annoyingly preoccupied with two really, really horrific thoughts which are previously unknown to the Vatican and the church hierarchy: Simplicity and Humility.

In other words, Francis is behaving like Jesus would behave.  That makes him New and Novel. And Unacceptable to the mortified Big Shots and the outrageous impersonal bureaucracy that has become the  Catholic Church.  What horror!And quite frankly, I am thrilled. Thrilled, I tell you. Of course, I can’t forget that Benedict was an easy act to follow. Any Pope who would remark that ordaining women is as bad as pedophilia isn’t exactly a church leader who inspires the desire to bang on the door and join up.

Having left the Catholic Church years ago, tired of the ritualistic bullcrap, pettiness,  arrogance, hocus-pocus, the crippling guilt and hopeless sense of unworthiness reigned upon the faithful, the justification of the unjustifiable, and the complete disregard of women as anything other than servants to a gaggle of mediocre men masquerading as little gods, surely you will agree that I have earned the right to my opinion. In spite of all that, let me just say, may Pope Francis live long and make permanent impact, clean up the mess that has been escalated for centuries, and make the Catholic Church something that actually reflects the words, What Would Jesus Do.

There’s no mistaking the grumbles: The arrogant, self-glorifying hierarchy and Keepers of the Rituals and Symbols are not pleased. For once, just maybe the God they purport to follow is pleased. Truly, there is a sense of humor at play here.

To the rest of the Epic Failures who have run the Catholic Church into the ground while living the lives of mini-pharoahs, even unto protecting the Worst among you at the expense of the Little Children Jesus Himself said you should Suffer Unto Him, I think Francis is On To You. God has been Onto you for a long, long time, and hopefully this pope will be protected from you and your “Last Straws”. Time will tell, but until then,  I would just like to say to you:

Alas, you Pharisees! Hypocrites All!

Wait a second!: Somebody else said that first…….


101 Responses

  1. It is a breath of fresh air to the long stale and dark Vatican rooms. I love that he chose prisoners feet instead of the normal high priests. Instead of the sterile basillica of golden splendor he chose 12 criminals rotting away in a jail. The guy is following the Bible not the BS of dogma. Less is so much more!

  2. Much as I despise Google, their April Fool’s introduction of Google Nose is hilarious. Countdown to how many people will post this today, proving they don’t read squat first when they come here. A penguin for the first person who does it. Two penguins for the second person.

  3. Here’s a page. lol.
    Clever even if the infants at google can’t spell worth a shit.

  4. I like the new Pope and I am not even Catholic. 🙂

  5. Hahahaha foxy! Not the first non catholic I heard say that either.

  6. Great post Uppity, but serious question here. What do you think about the Fatima secrets? I was thinking about this yesterday, because I remember when I was young, just about every Easter some TV station showed the movie, “Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima.” It was as much a part of Easter to me as “It’s a Wonderful Life” is at Christmas! They don’t show it anymore, the Fatima movie I mean. I read that Pope Benedict was involved in the reading or semi-revealing of the 3rd secret which some say, predicts the end of the Catholic church. Anyway, if this is too heavy a question or subject, feel free to ignore or delete.

  7. Yeah that’s kind of over my head, imust. I remember as a kid they would show us all those nightmarish moves like the Miracle of Marcelino and other horrific things to ensure we went home to nightmares. I always thought those movies were a great way to freak kids out. I do remember the Fatima movie, though. Not surprised it isn’t offered any longer, though. All those chain saw movies are just so much more scary.

  8. Caroline tweet from UW – hysterical and right on.

  9. Yeah. This was Cold War scary times, so we all thought “the secrets” had something to do with the USSR and bomb shelters and Boris and Natasha. At least we had Bullwinkle and Rocket J. Squirrel to keep us safe!!

  10. I really like, loved the Caroline tweet too Uppity! Like she is like, finally cashing in on her endorsement!

  11. imustbeathreadkiller

  12. In that case, here’s another one.

  13. You know I went a little heavy on the “likes” when, you know it was actually, you know, the um….”you knows” that were you know….

  14. Yeah. I know. And I know you know. And you know I know you know, too.

  15. I hate to hang crepe but my mother died on April 1. It was so like her to make sure I don’t forget.

  16. Caroline didn’t get her speech mannerisms from her mother:

  17. Funny Uppity, my mother was BORN on April 1st. She would complain that she would get lots of gag gifts on her birthday when she was a kid.

  18. I’m off today because of Chavez Day btw.

  19. Now who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

    Roflll, Upps. She has outdone himself.

    Btw, I might’ve missed this in your comprehensive recounting of Francis’s delightful gambits, but didn’t want it to go unsaid: recently, Francis ditched the penthouse papal suite in the Apostolic Palace in favor of his exceedingly humble rooms at the Vatican guesthouse (Domus Sanctae Marthae). He’ll use the Apostolic Palace rooms as his “office” only.

  20. {waving to NES!}

    In keeping with your post on the Pope here’s some info on April Fools Day from wiki:

    The earliest recorded association between April 1 and foolishness is an ambiguous reference in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales (1392). Many writers suggest that the restoration of January 1 by Pope Gregory XIII as New Year’s Day of the Gregorian Calendar in the 16th century was responsible for the creation of the holiday, sometimes questioned for earlier references.[1]

  21. Hey imust! Hello hello.

  22. Hey I missed that delicious piece of information, NES. Thanks!

  23. This is true, imust, Jackie Kennedy was a very bright woman, as was Caroline’s father. Unfortunately, when they were doling out grey matter, they shouted BRAINS! and Caroline thought they shouted TRAINS, so she went for a ride.

  24. No you’re off because, whenever possible, public holidays result in Monday off.

  25. God, Caroline sounds awful — I can’t stand listening to people who interject “like” and “ya know” after every few words. She’s not even of the GenX and later generations that seem particularly afflicted with those verbal ticks. Generally speaking (so to speak), people should speak the way they write. I’m surrounded by many young ‘uns at work who write fairly well, but can’t speak without one too many irritating “likes” and “ya knows.” My standard response to “ya knows” is: I don’t actually, which is why I’m asking you.”

  26. Verbal ticks.ROFL!

  27. Come to think of it, I bet the google employees got today off too.

  28. Captured. Thanks NES. You’ve probably guessed I have a whole file of Francis links. I use them whenever I need a laugh.

  29. Papal Apartment of the Apostolic Palace

    Say that ten times fast.

  30. Most excellent on Francis and laughs. He keeps them coming. Soon, he’ll be stocking the Vatican Curia with Jesuits, I’m guessing, which’ll be highly amusing too.

  31. Oh yeah, the Jesuits will be a blast for the beanie boys.

    All that praying and thinking. And poverty. Gasp.

  32. Very interesting about Pope Francis. I hope its for real and lasts. I liked your “bad for the corp but good for the consumer” line…if only we could start having corp execs acting like that.

    At this time 19 years ago, I was throwing in the towel and saying desperately to the nurses: “I’ve changed my mind I’ve changed my mind–I want the epidural–please–quickly–really, quickly!!!” (I had to wait another two hours for the anesthesiologist to show up btw)

    Ahh, happy memories! Our pet boy blogger is starting his last year as a teen today.

  33. NES @ 1:21pm. LOL & Ditto that.

  34. Thats awful about the shooting in the church. Crazies everywhere.

  35. Happy Birthday to Laker Dude!

  36. Yeah well I hope Francis keeps in mind John Paul da foist.

  37. Hahahah NY Times sexist scumbags got owned. I saw that original obit. The woman was a ROCKET SCIENTIST and what was their lead paragraph? Her beef stroganoff.

    The male writer defended the obit and said “I wouldn’t do anything differently”……..while the editors were changing it right under his dickhead nose.

  38. Happy Birthday LakerDude!!!!!!

  39. Happy Birthday LakerDude!!!!!!

    Yes! Happy, happy!!

  40. HB Laker.

    Iranians are boycotting pistachios because the price is at $25 per 2.2 lbs this year even though it is a common Iranian treat. The stores are filled with huge sacks of them and they are not selling.

    The comment section had this: There is no shortage of nuts in Iran.

  41. Oh boo-hoo to the Iranians. Oil is over $97 per barrel!
    And gas is about $4.80 per gallon!!!!

  42. Fuck the Iranians. Who gives a shit if they eat pistachios. I’m sure pistachios will survive without their help. Let em look at them and drool.

  43. I think I’ll go buy a bag of Pistachios.

  44. Happy Birthday, LakerDude!!

  45. Upps – we grow our own pistachios. The whole reason I wrote that was for the comment.

    I repeat – there is no shortage of nuts in Iran. Rimshot.

  46. Ok. Rimshot.

  47. Great essay, Upps. Perfect tone.

    Like you, I am a former Catholic. Was born into it (was even an altar boy) but left it behind in my mid-teens. No great scandal, I just broadened my horizons regarding theology/mythology.

    But, I like Francis. A lot. The Vatican (and the corrupt Curia) needed to be shaken up, and Francis seems to the the right man for the job. Now, like you, I’m not expecting sweeping changes when it comes to the way the Church continues to insult women and gays, but perhaps we will see (and are seeing) small steps towards progress.

    Simplicity. Humility. Charity.

    The more I see of Francis, the more I realize that he is no phony. He lives what he preaches. And I’m happy to see the Purple Hats and Red Hats squirm as he begins to make his mark. If he does nothing else but clean up the cesspool of corruption in Rome, he will have done a great deal indeed.

    After Benedict (whom I despised) this Pontiff is a breath of freash air. And, although I know your affection for John Paul II, I already like this Pope Francis more than the Polish Pope.

    You must understand: I am Polish. (Well, actually I’m American of course, but half-Polish, half-Irish, by ethnicity.) So, I remember well the pride I felt when John Paul II was elected. A Polish Pope! But, sadly, he really was not a great leader. He was a good man at heart, but he simply allowed the status quo to fester. The child abuse scandal and the financial corruption in the Vatican Bank got worse, not better, under his leadership. But he WAS a rock star. And so many people simply turned their eyes away. Plus, he really was never the “parish priest” type. He was a Vatican man, through and through.

    If your interested, I would recommend a book called, “The Power And The Glory” – Inside The Dark Heart of John Paul II’s Vatcian – by David Yallop. This is no hatchet job. It is fair, and well researched. The author simply tells us the facts, not the myths about JPII. It is an eye-opening read. But, that’s what the facts should do – open our eyes.

    Anyway, I just wanted to offer my two cents on this subject. I am not expecting miracles (no pun) from Francis. But, he does have a pastoral approach. He was/is a parish priest at heart. Now I’m sure I will still yell and throw things at the TV when I see his Church continue to treat women and gays as fourth-class human beings. But, this Two Centuries old Beast does not change so easily over night.

    Small steps. From a humble man in sensible shoes.

  48. You know, Rev Vet, I never thought of the parish priest angle. You might just be right. I liked JP because he had a certain charisma and did connect with people young and old. But I also won’t be deluding myself about his part in the Vatican. After all, Ratzinger was his lead hatchet man and that could not be a good thing. WHen they were picking the last pope, I had one thought and that thought was, I don’t care who they pick as long as it isn’t that lousy Ratzinger. The rest is history.

  49. Adhering to the spirit of the law sometimes means NOT adhering to the letter of the law. Francis is making the same enemies as Jesus did when he flouted the hypocritical Pharisees of his time–only this time, we have Francis’ back.

    I love pistachios. More for me.

  50. Interesting and intriguing point, Irland.

    I’m with you on the pistachios too.

  51. Perfect, Upps.Thanks for this post. I’m sending it to my daughter. She and I had a long conversation about Francis yesterday as we celebrated her first Easter home in about 17 years. I had already sent her your photo essay (the old and new pope shoes). We both agree the Papal taster is necessary. But you already knew how I felt about that.

  52. HOW not hoe….jeebus. I’m trying to type with one hand and use the other to eat dinner!

    ****Fixit Fairy visited you****

  53. Hey, NES ~~~ This is the same, um, Caroline Kennedy who, like, learned about BH Obama from her kids. Remember? usually it’s the mom teaches the kids to talk, not the other way around.

  54. Oh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Our super kewl prez, mr. B-Ball, can’t even sink a free throw!!! Can he do ANYthing??? No he can’t!!!

    (stolen from Hillary is 44)

  55. Rev Vet, well said.

    Speaking of Iran, we watched Argo last nite. We all liked it, which is saying a lot cuz hubbie is no fan of George & laker is no fan of Ben. It brought back memories of that episode and I wonder if you guys think that becuz Carter let the hostage thing drag out so long, is why we got stuck with Reagan? What do you all think Carter should have done differently to get the hostages out? I view the Saint Ronnie admin as the start of the rise of the evil corporate empire, so I guess I was wondering, if Carter had acted more aggressively to get the hostages out, like drop a bomb in the desert and say the next one is gonna hurt, would we have gotten stuck with Raygun, Bush & Bush.

    At the time of the hostage crisis, I was going to school, working one & a half jobs & helping my sis raise her two little girls, so though I was aware of it, I didn’t follow it, or politics very closely then.

  56. AnnE, interesting article on bark & the press. I think there was a fakeness to all the presidents media personas, but the Obamas weird, fakey, photoshop, modern media presence in in another stratosphere completely.

  57. What do you all think Carter should have done differently

    Stay on the peanut farm.

  58. Oh man! Francis is going to be giving the Roman/Vatican hangers-on just fits!

  59. Stay on the peanut farm.

    Hey Upps, I got an email from a friend of mine with this link in it. I was completely shocked.

  60. Nice of him but he has about as much pull as a rubber band, Fredster. And he was such a finger-waging depressing president that, had he been given a second term, there would have been mass suicides just listening to him. I’m serious here. I never EVER saw America as depressed. Not even now. And those 24% auto loans were exciting too. My take on him was always that he was a sweet guy but wayyyyyyyyyyyyy over his head. I don’t even have that opinion of him now, because once I realized what an anti semite he is, there was nothing left inside of me to give him.

  61. First pope to visit the necropolis. How telling is that. About them, not him.

  62. Upps @11:55: Yeah it’s true he was a downer as a Prez and the hostage situation didn’t help him at all. Still, it was interesting to see him take that stand. From another link here’s what the SBC had said:

    In June, the group’s leaders voted at its national convention that women should no longer serve as pastors. They also voted to condemn racism, homosexuality, abortion, pornography and adultery.

    Although the statement of faith regarding pastors was not binding on congregations, some Baptists warned that some churches would quit the denomination. Some congregations did quit two years ago when the Southern Baptists declared that wives should “submit graciously” to their husbands.

    It is the largest Protestant denomination in the country. And they do have a reason for calling some of their folks hard-shelled Baptists.

  63. First pope to visit the necropolis. How telling is that. About them, not him.

    I’m tellin’ ya: J.P. the first.

  64. Sigourney Weaver is on Colbert & talking about how nice it was to play her “Hillary” character, “someone who actually got things done.”

  65. Fredster, that was interesting about the necropolis. I wonder why no other pope has gone down there?

  66. Fredster, when I saw that Jimmy Carter article the other day, I asked if he was channeling Hillary and would it he ever give her credit.

    The evidence shows that investing in women and girls delivers major benefits for society. An educated woman has healthier children. She is more likely to send them to school. She earns more and invests what she earns in her family.

  67. Fredster that Jimmeh piece is fantastic. Sophie, clearly bo isn’t the only one who copied her homework. Either that or else his wife wrote it and signed his name to give it gravitas. /jk

    That he, Mr. Baptist himself, broke with them over this makes me forgive him for a multitude of sins. And UW is right – he was very damaging to our world and his stance on Israel was ignorant.

  68. In defense of a pressy I thought was a a disaster, this is not a new attitude for him. He pissed off teh religious long ago when he defended roe wade. The thing is, on the one hand he calls for better treatment of women, while on the other he slams the ONLY democracy in the middle east and placates the very people who treat women like dog crap. It’s a conflict. He brought us Zbig, who tooled around the ME telling these goatfuckers that God is on their side. They take that shit seriously, and to them, religion is PRiMARILY about torturing women and girls. He also brought us Zbig’s insufferable daughter Mika, who wouldn’t be preening on TV if it weren’t for who her daddy was. And Zib has been a huge influence on Obama as well, not that he needs any help taking sides.

  69. And no, he will never acknowledge Hillary. He and Bill can barely stand to be in the same room together. Photos of them next to each other in the presidential group were rare.

  70. ROFL! Will you check out THIS moron?

  71. Jimmy doesn’t like Bill because Bill was….you know……successful.

  72. Yeah lol that would do it.

  73. This post says it all. I am so proud of you, UW.

  74. Green, thank you so much. I adore when you say something.

  75. Somebody call the global warming hotline and ask them how come half of NY is shoveling accumulated snow right now, and since temps are freezing, it won’t be melting anytime soon. Thanks.

  76. Look at all those cranky thugs around the pope at imust’s link. They really gotta work now, that’s for sure.

  77. That part of Queens was rough even back in the 60s. Friends who lived there got out asap. Crime and poverty plus corruption – just great.

  78. The wimmenz are riding dune buggies in burqas. No nylon ass crack defining bike pants and sports bra tops permitted. Can goats ride bikes too? The little vixens are so slutty. /s

  79. Disco sea lion in California. This might be what Lorac has been up to.


    Tunisia witnessed controversy yesterday [March 26] regarding a fatwa that permits “sexual jihad” in Syria. Tunisian Minister of Religious Affairs Noureddine al-Khadimi rejected “sexual jihad” fatwas, saying that the Tunisian people and state institutions are not obligated to adhere to them. Khadimi’s statements follow reports that Tunisian teenagers have headed to Syria in response to this fatwa.

    And of course, prostitution is acceptable among islamists so long as they marry the girl for a couple of hours. And here’s the best part:

  81. LOL! Reminds me of my Catholic school uniforms. Not quite that short, but almost. Very popular with the nuns. (Of course, I didn’t have slutty shoes like those.)

  82. Jimmy doesn’t like Bill because Bill was….you know……successful.


  83. Meant to say 2 things yesterday:

    Happy Birthday Laker!

    Thanks, fixit fairy.

  84. Jimmy doesn’t like Bill because Bill was….you know……successful.

    LOL! What Sophie said.

    Love the outfits at 2:58 Upps. Just the thing for South Beach.

  85. Fredster, Imust said it first!

    Sanford won the primary. FCS.

  86. Of course Sanford won, Sophie. It is after all South Carolina.

  87. Dammit, this post is too good to not have 100 comments.

    So, there.


  88. Yeah Rev, you tell em. If a post is published in the forest, does anybody read it?

Comments are closed.