Another Uppity Woman Classic

Remember a few years ago when we had a “Best of the Uppity Woman” contest? It was a lot of fun. You’ll probably also remember that it was awfully hard to choose among the great Uppity posts! But there was a winner. So without further adieu, I bring you……

You Are Under Arrest for Mollusk Abuse, by Uppity Woman

© Copyright 2009, Uppity Woman. All Rights Reserved.

Okay, by now you know how much I love my garden.  So you won’t be surprised that I went into sleuth mode when I realized that something was ruining my early tomatoes. Something sinister. It was drilling holes in them just as they were perfectly ripe for the picking. And that hole rendered what was left of those beautiful red things bitter and disgusting. I found myself picking those tomatoes when they were orange and ripening them elsewhere. That would not do. I put a lot of work into that garden and I had every right to ripen my tomatoes on the vine. I know my rights!  No, this would not do at all.

I had to know.

I had to know what disgusting, immoral creature without conscience was ruining my tomatoes. And I had to know before the rest of the the tomatoes  in rotation started to turn red.  So I did what any borderline insane normal person would do. With my dog in tow, I went out there late at night with my fashionable paranoia emergency light to monitor the activity. I actually got at least a little kick out of the fact that I had an opportunity to use this contraption when my life wasn’t in danger. It’s one of those combo radio, fluorescent, flood and emergency flasher-type lights, both red and green. Complete with a siren. It runs on four thousand D batteries. I bought the thing when I realized that one day soon, either the Jihadists or cyber- people eyeing our electric grids were eventually going to reach us, since nobody in government seems in the least bit concerned about who enters this country or what they do when they get here, and they are pretty much computer ignorant in DC. In other words, hackers seem to break into our government computers almost weekly. So, I regarded this as a practice in the use of my emergency light, which is a good thing, because I immediately flipped the wrong switch and turned on the siren. Believe me, from now on, I will know where the siren button is.

I shined the light directly on the plants and moved it slowly over every inch of those potentially succulent fruits and their leaves. And there he was. A slug. A disgusting, revolting, slimy slug,  on top of the one tomato on that plant that would be ready for picking in the morning. He was shamelessly sucking a hole in it right before my eyes, the little bastard! And he brought two friends with him, sitting on the nearby leaves waiting for their turn!

crazywomanI went wild.

My eyes flashed red in the dark I am sure.

I could feel the veins in my neck pulsating.

I began to curse and my curses echoed across the quiet land. My dog, who was sitting there patiently wondering how it is she got stuck with such a nutbag for a Person, stood up and barked. Mom was mad, surely there is something Wrong. By this time,  I heard my neighbor behind me come out of his home with his dog. I heard his dog barking, which sparked my dog to start barking loud enough to shatter glass. Then across the way, yet another dog started barking. They were all barking and I was moving mylight across my entire garden, covering every inch, looking for yet more of these vile, revolting creatures that are only second to the flea in their ability to disgust me.

47667632-300x300-0-0_Monterey+Sluggo+Plus+2+5lbI had spent what I thought was too much money in May on some stuff called SLUGGO. I wanted to head off the slugs at the pass. Other than getting a couple of dozen ducks, I knew of no other way to do it than to buy SLUGGO. The slug killer comes in two pound jugs and the little pellets inside are both appetizing and deadly to slugs.  The pellets, however, are harmless to pets, humans and plants. They contain iron, which is deadly to slugs but not bad stuff for your garden. This was very important to me, especially since every cat for miles around that is out loose generally stops by to visit me.  I plant catnip for them and they enjoy taunting my dog, who loves cats.  Knowing that the stuff is harmless to all living things except disgusting slugs held a real appeal to me. Apparently the slugs eat them and it renders them unable to eat again. Then they wander off to their den and die of anorexia or some such thing–hidden away where you don’t have to look at the revolting things. Then, I imagine, the remaining slugs in the den hold a mass slug funeral or something. Whatever.

I must say that the SLUGGO worked. I was pretty much slugless.  The problem is I didn’t anticipate that maybe I didn’t kill them ALL. Obviously, I missed at least two of them. And so the little beasts did what they had plenty of time to do in between eating gardens: they multiplied.

I donned a rubber glove and  grabbed the three slugs I found — and threw them on the ground. A tomato fell off the plant and now I was REALLY swearing. By now my dog was totally perplexed and she kept looking down at the ground and then up at me, then down at the ground and up at me. Then I went to the garage and grabbed a garden shovel and the remaining SLUGGO granules I still had.

First, I beat the crap out of those three slugs with the shovel and then I began to place a ring of SLUGGO granules around the plants.  I just KNEW there were hundreds more of these little balls of slime all around me. I could feel them watching me, talking to each other in Slug language about how they can’t  wait to reach the rest of my tomatoes and suck holes in them.

This was the point at which things got a lot brighter than they were by the light of my emergency light contraption. Two police cruisers pulled up.  One car faced my land and flashed a prowl spotlight around the property. Two cops got out of the other car and headed my way, holding flashlights and unsnapping their gun holsters. I downed my dog, who by now thought we were under siege and then I froze and thought  Jaysus, I am going to get shot by the cops over my tomatoes! I could almost hear the hundreds of  hiding slugs laughing.

I said aloud as they moved closer, “This is my house guys! I’m just killing slugs!“.

By the time they were close enough to see their faces, I could see they were both laughing. They told me a neighbor called them and thought somebody was out here robbing or killing somebody or something. I explained about the slugs and one of them said he was going to arrest me for molesting slugs.  The other cop asked me if I had any beer and I said, “Why, do you want one?“.  So he said, no, people use beer to kill slugs. And I said, Yes I know but I couldn’t resist asking. Then he went on about how his wife does this beer thing and buries jars in the ground full of beer to catch drunken slugs.

Anyways, as they left to make out their slug report or whatever,  they kind of asked if I could finish this job by daylight and wrap up the emergency light thing. So I obliged, but not before throwing more Sluggo around the plants and hitting those three slugs with the shovel one more time to make sure I finished the job. I actually yelled “Take That, you bastards!“.

main_slugbeer_0331 In the morning I went to a nearby convenience store and, while everybody else was buying coffee, I  asked the guy behind the counter which was the cheapest beer they had.

The guy looked at me like Geeze, the woman obviously will drink anything at 8AM.  So I bought some Busch beer and went out to the garden with a bunch of little containers and buried them close to the plants.  I filled the little containers with beer, which was stupid, because slugs don’t hang out in gardens in the sunlight. Besides that, by ten o’clock it was raining so hard here that I thought I might need an Ark–thus watering down and wasting perfectly bad cheap beer. That was the bad news. The worse news was, the rain and missing sun  brought out an army of slugs, all heading for my tomatoes.  So I put on a hoodie and went out there and scooped up a boatload of them with an old slotted spoon and threw them into a bucket of water. At first, I just gleefully watched them drown, but as their numbers grew and I could see where their dens were by their paths, I became much more insane and scurried around the land scooping the scheevy  little bastards up and throwing them into the bucket. Some of them actually tried to escape, so I whacked them back into the water. By the time I was soaked to my own gills,  I had executed more than 50 slugs and more were heading my way. I grabbed the orange tomatoes that looked ready to redden off the plants and went inside. I also left the bucket of dead slugs near the garden to serve as an example to the other slugs. When I was dry again, I went back out and executed some more.

A dry spell is predicted for the next few days. So tonight, it’s Miller Time for slugs. Now that I know their den areas, I will leave some beer for them there as well, inviting the slimy SOBs to an opportunity to whet their whistles on their trip to my garden. I’m not worried about stray cats because  I know enough about cats to know that no self-respecting cat would drink cheap beer.

I will do the beer run just before dark so that the Police  Slug Swat Team doesn’t have to show up again. However, if I make a wrong move or find myself unable to resist beating on some slugs, this could easily be my second offense. So if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, know that I have been arrested for serving alcohol to under-age slugs or some such shit.


43 Responses

  1. I’m bringing this comment up from downstairs so that hopefully, Uppity will see it:

    monkeypants, on November 30, 2014 at 12:42 AM said:
    Uppity, please please look into ubiquinol (reduced form of CoQ10). My dad has heart failure and was hospitalized repeatedly last year, with fluid on his lungs. Over a year ago I started giving him ubiquinol and he hasn’t had any heart problems since. Although he has cancer, diabetes, hyperparathyroidism, and has had a stroke his *heart* is doing fine. He just turned 85 recently. Hasn’t been hospitalized in six months, which is great since the year before he was in 7 times.
    It’s especially important if they’re giving you statins, and I’m sure they are. Those will deplete your CoQ10 which supplies energy to your heart! They gave my dad high doses. I really believe starting the ubiquinol made all the difference. And I just give him 100mg daily though some recommend much more.
    I’m pulling for you!

  2. Wonderful Imust, thanks for this article I hope our beloved Uppity Woman reads it. sounds like something that could help her. ❤

  3. I love these Uppity Classics I have read and laughed at them many times.
    praying for Uppity to get well. ❤

  4. Love this one but beg to differ over it being the Best Uppity Post Evah. Hint: I have a souvenir from the best post.

  5. True Sophie, but the post you’re talking about was after our contest! How’s the little souvenir doing? 🙂 I know the pie is gone.

  6. foxy: same here, thinking of Upps and praying.

  7. Checking in hoping to hear from Upps
    I bet a new picture of Lily would cheer everyone . 😀

  8. A belated but loving Thanksgiving to Upps and all Uppityites. Hope it was scrumptious.

  9. {{{{Uppity}}}}} ❤ ❤

  10. I remember the kitty relay. I stayed up all nite so as not to miss the beginning of it. Hope Upps starts improving soon.

  11. Ok, I’m still here. I think. Let me check….

  12. Good my friend. I am so sorry all this stuff is happening to you really. Hope you are getting a bit of your life back. Hope your spirits are up and you are fighting now. Just that little post means a hell of a lot to me really. Loves ya and hang in there old girl. Lol.

  13. Uppity said.

    Uppity Woman, on December 5, 2014 at 8:13 AM said:

    Ok, I’m still here. I think. Let me check….

    And I say Hallelujah!!!!! 😀

  14. WE love you Upps.
    And many prayers are being said for you to get better. ❤

  15. She has spoken!…made my day!
    Upps: we’re also here waiting for you to kick some butt.

  16. Let me say this Uppity woman slug report is classic if you have been through as many Summers with her as I and heard her curse the blasted things lol. I do believe however , when I had moved to Utah and planted my garden and went on about snails and slugs in the cursed thing she was inwardly laughing like hell and saying Karma. Oh who am I kidding she out right told me it was great lmao

  17. BTW I salted the miserable creatures that were having a party on my patio.

  18. Dear Utah:

    Heh. *Snort*

  19. I once put rock salt around their exit path and watched them kill themselves trying to leave to get to the garden. This was oddly very rewarding to watch.

  20. See folks she is still laughing at me. Be careful because she does not forget and will take revenge lmao. Now speaking of salt that ” sweet little darling” I have acquired decided that the salt bags I placed outside the doors to melt snow and ice would be better put to use if they were ripped open and spread all over the deck. Guess to his way of thinking he could have tons of fun and help me out too the little brat. So far there is no snow. Can you believe that one ? It is in the 50’s here. Now normally this time of year I have already made several threats to the lives of the snow plow drivers . This year nothing. It must have all went to NY. I am fine with that one so long as it does not decide to come down all at once later on.
    Heh Upps 9 months and still no furniture destroyed. Trash cans do not fair up as well however. Hurumph.

  21. We just got that one early Snow nothing since.
    A lot of Rain tho. 🙂

  22. Smile time. 😀

  23. Where is every one??? 🙂

  24. Good question foxy! Shopping maybe???? Let me know if there is an old favorite you’d like me to rerun from Uppity’s posts. Or if you have a post suggestion????

  25. I’m here, waiting for Upps to comment on the Emperor visit to Colbert’s show and compare notes with Hillary’s incredible performance.
    He was not close to funny…his arrogance always brings petulant performance…

  26. I love all of Uppity’s posts and videos.
    They are treasures just like her. ❤

  27. belle, I confess that I follow nothing that yank job Obama does, so I can’t comment. I just prefer not to see or hear him. foxy, this treasure is buried under a lot of mud or something. I need hosing off.

    Seriously, folks, I am doing okay. Cardiologist told me yesterday that my ejection fraction will most likely return so we will revisit it in 2 months with another echocardiogram. I am no longer tied to that oxygen and am breathing muchhhhhhhhh better. I keep forgetting this surgery healing is not a short process. Also it was not an easy surgery, I gave them a whole bunch of challenges in the OR, because you just know I’m a difficult bitch that way. In addition to driving the anethesiologist crazy ( I know her whole family so I got the scoop and she said I kept them on their toes at all times). I also sprung some leaks to spice things up (3 transfusions). So 3 hours turned into 6 1/2 hours. Takes 3 months just for the sternum to heal, and longer for the heart to recover from the trauma. I am not moving trees but I am very mobile and but for a still very sore chest, I am doing okay. Meds designed to keep my BP very low at the border (90/60) for healing are wrecking some havoc with my one remaining kidney but we are monitoring carefully and it’s all temporary medication.

    I do want to say that this is a life altering experience and that’s putting it mildly.

  28. Uppity it makes my day to hear you are doing better. I know you are not running marathons and wont for sometime but this is great news. Seems your spirits are picking up too. Leave it to you to not be the normal case lol. That does not surprise me one bit lmao.

  29. Great! we all are still here…
    Upps: don’t make yourself sicker with the BOzo, just wanted to get your attention and drop us a line. Good to hear from you.

  30. Utah I got the hose you get the ladder.
    Upps hold still now!!! 😆

  31. Oh my!!! lookie there the mud is all washed off.
    Uppity looks like a shiny new penny now.
    Bet you are feeling better too Upps. 😀

  32. I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling better and not so tore up from the floor up, Uppity.

  33. Yayyy, Upps is on her way back! Hugs, UW.

  34. Dayum Upps, I think we can ALL breathe easier now! So glad to hear that you’re doing better. Continued prayers and healing energy being sent your way.

  35. So glad you are doing better Uppity.

  36. From Socalhubbie:

    Hi Uppity! I’m sorry you’ve been through such a terrible ordeal, but glad that you are on the road back. You need to give yourself a lot of time to recover from such a drastic surgery. I wanted to tell you that zinc is very helpful for getting your taste back. My wife told me you were depressed about that. I got my uncle started on it after he lost his taste after this type of surgery and it helped him get his taste back in about 2-3 weeks. Take care, take time. You are a wonderful person and have a lot of fans pulling for you! We all send our very best wishes to you.

  37. Mr. Socal! Good to hear from you. I did get my taste buds back, gratefully!!!! Took quite awhile but I could taste ribs very well right now, if I could eat them. Hahahaha.

    Irlandese, good to see you pop in. And thank you.

  38. Upps, that is good news! I will tell hubbie, he has been asking about you. Right now he is snoring on the couch! i’m so glad you could enjoy those ribs!

  39. socal I Could enjoy them but I can’t. Not on the list. Not much on the list.

  40. Whoa! Hey Upps! Holding you close. XO

  41. I’m doing okay, NES, really. Could be worse.

  42. Few things worse than an Upps who can’t eat ribs — literally and figuratively. Won’t be satisfied until you “the list” is chock-full of all good things again. Tell your darn doctors to get on the stick — that several boatloads of Uppity fans will accept no less from them! Else…pitchforks.

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