Imust here, sending you this report from deep in the Uppity Archives. I’ve been lost down here for weeks, but I don’t really care as I’ve been laughing my you-know-what off reading all these Uppity posts! Luckily, I have good wi-fi, so I’ve been able to share some with you! Here’s another gem from 2010.
Christmas gifts you know you can relate to in our Recovered Economy™ by Uppity Woman. (First published 12/21/10)
It’s that time of year again. With our Recovered Economy™, I know that you will be looking to spend all that extra disposable income you have left over from your unemployment check. Why not shop for things the creatures in DC already own as a normal course of things? After all, they represent your best interests, so it stands to reason that you must be doing as well as they are and will need some of these devices, some of which are priced very reasonably.
Moshi is an alarm clock that sets itself at your command, freeing up more time so you will have more time to say you have no time. Why take the chance of harming your finger when you can just command your alarm clock to wake you up at Noon to a nice brunch your servants have prepared for you?
You: “Hello Moshi.”
Moshi: “Command Please.”
You: “Set Alarm.”
Moshi: “Tell me the time you want the alarm to sound.”
You: “12 Noon, but don’t wake my mistress.”
Moshi: “Alarm will sound at 12 Noon.”
Your Senator probably has a Moshi in his office quarters, for those annoying times when he has to be awakened to vote on a bill to name another airport after himself. So you should have one too. And it’s well-priced at $69.95, just don’t set it for Noon if you still have a job, because your Senator is counting on you to get up and keep going to that mundane, underpaid job at Home Depot you were forced to take after your Engineering job was eliminated. He needs your tax money to set up another Commission to study ways to reduce your income even further.
Note: This item is not effective when given as a gift to that 25 year-old dependent adult child you still have at home – who has promised to look for a job in the morning even if it isn’t the Upper Level Management position he’s been holding out for. Besides, the item is too cheap for him. Try for a Movado watch.
But there is so much of it! Gold, diamonds, gold, diamonds. Rolexes. It’s all so confusing and such a pain in the ass to clean!
Worse yet, your housekeeper does such a horrible job of cleaning it all for you, but she’s so reasonably priced, being here illegally and all. So, you find an inexpensive solution to the annoying, time-consuming Cleaning of The Jewelry.
Keep that Tiffany signature nice and clean for $49.95 with the Ultrasonic Jewelry Cleaner.
See? Who says you can’t afford to live like your Senator does? Okay, you might not have enough jewelry to clean, since you sold most of the 18-karat stuff that was handed down from generation to generation so you could make a mortgage payment, but since the Recovered Economy™ is now here, things should change really soon and it won’t be long before you can visit Tiffany’s again and make up for it!
Buy ahead and avoid the rush! Jewelry not included.
Why not buy your wife a nice piece of jewelry like your Senator does right after he gets caught cheating with that little intern?
If he’s a Democrat, he will leave it on her pillow and sneak out of the house to avoid discussion. If he’s a Republican he will leave it on her pillow with a note that says God forgives him and she should too.
Might I recommend the little diamond pendant in the rendering? It’s set in platinum for $118,000 at Tiffany’s. Now don’t get all in a fluster. If you don’t have the money, just ask an illegal alien how to steal the identity of a dead person you never liked – and just charge it! Get yourself a nice Rolex while you’re at it.
For the kids who expect more expensive gifts from their unemployed parents, the AR Drone helicopter is sure not to disappoint. Just plank it on your 29% interest-rate charge card and worry about it later.
Why make your kids climb a tree or actually move and get some fresh air, when they can pretend to navigate a helicopter right from your basement window while eating their Cheetos–and limber up their thumbs besides? He will be so happy, he might even text you to say Thanks Mom and Dad! Make that THX M n D!
As a bonus, for $299, you can actually get your kid away from that computer for a half hour.
Okay let’s not jerk around here with these little pissant conveniences any longer.
When you come home from work, after picking up the kids, and you start dinner and pay off some of the bills, your heart will warm knowing that your husband, who works at the same place you do and does the same job, only for more money, is relaxing with the UAstro Massager.
You haven’t had the chance to try it out yourself yet, but judging from the look on his face (see photo) as you check on him while still holding the knife you used to chop the vegetables, you instinctively know this puppy is a bargain at $3,495. And who knows? Maybe you’ll even get a Little Something later, which you Know you Want!
Meet Wrex, the Ill-Mannered Robot Dog. Anyone who has kids will find him amusing. Wrex is different and bears all the physical characteristics of certain relatives that you prayed your kids would not inherit.
Besides having a face only a mother could love, nobody will like to be around Wrex but you–with the possible exception of your spouse’s beer-guzzling, armpit farting second cousin who keeps stopping by at dinnertime. and your gum-snapping sister who keeps borrowing your clothes and not returning them.
According to his makers, Wrex makes you laugh, expects you to rub his belly, demands treats, makes ugly faces, and he breaks down on purpose and behaves erratically just like your Mother-In-Law. Who wouldn’t want Wrex?
You also won’t care if you don’t have a real dog or an ex-husband if you have Wrex. He makes farting noises and couldn’t care less what’s socially acceptable. He even humps your leg, so it’s probably not a good idea to trot Wrex out when you’ve invited your boss over for dinner and hope to get a promotion. It would be a great way to get your In -Laws to leave early though, not to mention how easily Wrex will be able to disposition those Jehovah’s Witnesses who keep forcing their way into your home.
Your Senator probably has a couple of Wrex’s hanging out in the reception area of his office, to entertain those silly scheevy constituents who actually think they will get a chance to talk to him when it’s not even an election year.
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