On Body Fluids and Armpit Farts

I’m been thinking that Donald Trump has pretty much exhausted talking about body fluids. I mean he’s discussed how Megyn Kelly bleeds from everywhere and Hillary pees (and doesn’t give opponents’ staff an opportunity to get an audio and quick phone shot of her doing so–so that Donald could post it on twitter). And there was also that breast pumping meltdown. I don’t even know what the hell that was all about, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

jeb-bushI started to really worry about Donald’s fixation with Body Fluids, particularly those associated with Ewwwwwy women. But then he redeemed himself. I am so grateful he mixed it up a bit with bodily solids, having recently tweeted a photoshop of Jeb?!! picking snot out of his nose. I found that particularly Presidential and I’m sure you did too!

All told, one could almost ‘misconstrue’ that Donald finds women kind of Ewwwwy.  How dare you imagine such a thing! Except for women with ugly faces, like Carly,  and except for fat women, Donald simply lovessssss women. That is why he marries them all the time. Pretty ones! Because he’s hand$ome! So don’t you dare imply that he sees wives as trophies. You misconstrue things all the time! This is a guy who could conceivably enter the White House with one wife and leave with another. But nevermind. Newt still has him beat. But only so far. Like Donald said, “Nobody respects women more than me, Donald Trump”. Well, that settles it, hey?

As you know, I was once a tenured teacher.  I was/am New York State Certified in Secondary Education.  I taught every grade from 7 through 12 (but not all at once!). Therefore, I think I am at least slightly qualified to identify a mental 7th grader when I see one. And Donald is a mental 7th grader.

What I am saying here is, in spite of his billions, his ego is very very frayed to the point of being adolescent. Which is why he desperately needs to continuously validate himself as an adult….as in I’ve- Convinced- Myself, Now- I have- To- Convince- You. A visual of his home yields a Saudi Palace with chunks of gold in some form or another….everywhere…. to remind you how very rich his father was he is. He discusses his wealth at every turn, even when it’s not relevant to the discussion. It’s almost as if he can’t come up with anything else about himself that matters. I am Rich. Really Rich. And Smart. Really Smart. Do You Understand? Let me Repeat Myself. I Am Rich. Really Rich. I am Smart. Really Smart. You’re Stupid. And you Smell.

Just like a 7th grader.

Let’s face it folks. Considering the shit Donald has been flinging at the walls, the bar of common decency has now been moved so low that you can’t even get under it gyrating to a Limbo Rock. Or as the song goes, **How Lowwww Can You Go?

Patriotic Armpit Farter

Patriotic Armpit Farter

This is why I think, now that he has exhausted all his bodily fluid punch lines, he needs to complete the job of making a mockery of the Presidential election and move directly into the art of Armpit Farts. His audience will love it, don’t you think? Especially if he precedes it with “This is for YOU, Hillary!”. They will ROAR!


Just to help out, and in the spirit of Education, I am offering up a training video:

I don’t know how Donald is going to take it if he loses Iowa. Donald has huge tantrum potential.  Losing is something I don’t think he can endure. You can’t tweak America’s bankruptcy system and declare a loss as a win in politics. His twitter account will be inundated with “You’re Fired!!” and “You’ve been schlonged”. This will enrage him. He will use all of the seven or eight perpetually repeated adjectives located in his oddly limited vocabulary. He will call Iowa Stupid. For the second time. In capital letters. He will say they are Terrible People. In capital letters. He will declare them Morons who don’t understand he’s rich and Successful and Terrific. In capital letters. He would make Iowa Great Again too!

The meltdown will be concurrently entertaining, hilarious and frightening. The truth is, even if he goes all the way, he is going to lose a state sooner or later.  But I’m not so sure Donald understands that You Can’t Win Them All. Especially with that typical sneaky Evangelical Ted Cruz hovering over Trump’s flock like a vulture, waiting to pick their bones.

I need to digress a bit to make my next point. I can do that. It’s my blog. My father was an industrial general contractor. I remember him saying often that a certain contractor “Buys his brains”. What he meant was, brains are a commodity that can be acquired if you don’t have any of your own. You hire someone who knows what you don’t know. Everybody does that. But some people know nothing about what they are doing, so they hire ALL their brains. I think Donald hires his brains. And lucky for him he’s good at it. I think he’s worked on that all of his life. However, I am not so confident that this policy will translate well into running an entire country and being the leader of the free world, especially if the President is given to public tantrums. We’ve had good presidents and bad presidents, and if we have learned one thing it’s that the perception of the USA is heavily hinged upon how a President handles him or herself. Some may say that perception doesn’t matter to them. The truth is, in the real world, perception is everything.  But that’s one for a post all by itself. Suffice it to say that the Office of The President Of The United States begs at all times for at least a reasonable amount of dignity.  Say what you want, but I believe that the vast majority of Americans do not appreciate being embarrassed by a President.

**In closing, and in keeping with the current bar height, How Low Can You Go?






78 Responses

  1. Great post, Uppity. Aren’t you glad you didn’t give up blogging?
    I sure am.
    Before any doofus comes here to say “…but, but, but President Clinton embarrassed the country when he got blow jobs in the Oval Office,” I’ll say that it was not Bill Clinton who embarrassed us, it was Linda Tripp, Lucianne Goldberg and Kenneth Starr.

  2. ROFL!! So true Uppity! Armpit noises must surely be next! Toilet humor abounds with Trump. He’s already said, “Hillary started it!” “I know you are but what am I” will probably be next. He’s declared that the race is “War!” listing Hillary and Jeb as his “enemies”. I suggest the next debate be held in a sandbox.

  3. Not to worry Sue. Anybody comes here to trash Hillary never makes it to the board. This blog is moderated.

  4. Thanks for this, Uppity. No matter how bad my life gets, I know that at least I am not a Trumpett Blowing asswipe. I can’t believe people can be so stupid as to support this guy. I’ll bet the average IQ at his rallies hovers at 45.

  5. I know it, Upps. You run a tight ship and I love you for it.

  6. Sue, the people here back in our high traffic days got beaten up so badly in 2008 that I decided to make this place as stress free for them as I could, so that’s when I decided nobody new gets in without first passing the smell test. People who have been gone a long time and return usually end up in moderation for a bit, bit it irons out and it’s worth it.

  7. Sophie, I think his audience is a mix and there ARE smart people, it’s just that they are fed up with the system and are willing to try anything to fix it, even if it means gambling on something sensational. Truth be known, our own party needs a good shakedown itself, i just don’t think it can be done until after the general election. Let’s face it, our entire process is fucked up. Our Congress is no longer even interested in what anybody wants or needs, they are seeing to themselves. That means both parties. So the Republicans see in Trump a chance to blow their establishment to high heaven, because he’s different, and because he has no reverence for anyone. He’s shitting on that very establishment. The problem is, nobody is thinking up ahead much. Because he would be a very problematic president. The other problem is, their extremist wing is no better than their establishment. Kind of like how bad our extreme wing is. It’s these two extremes that are fucking up the entire system. No flexibility, refusals to cooperate with each other, blatant hatred of each other, no consensus building, both My Way Or The Highway. They are taking chances apiece destroying our country. Extremism is and was always a path to destruction. In all things.

  8. Sophie, I think his audience is a mix and there ARE smart people, it’s just that they are fed up with the system and are willing to try anything to fix it, even if it means gambling on something sensational.

    Nope, sorry. He has gone way overboard and is completely out of line. His rhetoric is the definition of unamerican. Perhaps these people think they are smart or other people think they are smart–in that case, they are smart people doing the stupidest thing possible. Perhaps I should have called them completely irresponsible.

    I get the frustration with the system and everyone in it but you don’t use a nuclear bomb to clean the garage and that’s what this guy is. The only reason to vote for him is because you want to destroy the country altogether.

  9. Brava!
    Uppity, your are the best…and very funny!

  10. Ok I concede lol

  11. I never liked Trump, and never thought he was good looking, even back in the 80s when he first became famous. I always thought he was a blowhard, and frankly, boring. I think there’s something to Uppity’s comment about people supporting him just because he’s not a politician. Maybe not smart people, cuz if they were really smart, they would support Hillary, who is clearly 1000 times smarter than any of her opponents.

    Sophie, I love that you went after that Goodman creep. I have to check it out.

  12. I miss Lindsey Graham being in the race. I didn’t agree with much but I think he has the best sense of humor of anyone running. Even Hill. I mean, that guy’s funny–not comedian funny, but humorist funny. One of the cable networks should snatch him up and give him a show to host.

  13. Fantastic post Upps. I swear…I never thought of armpit farts. The bad thing is, I can visualize it. 😦

  14. A visual of his home yields a Saudi Palace with chunks of gold in some form or another….everywhere…

    Maybe. But how many of these does he have?

  15. I think Trump’s appeal is pretty simple and pretty basic: A lot of white people see that white privilege is disappearing and under attack everywhere, and it scares them to death. In a couple of decades, we’ll be a majority minority country, and that’s even more terrifying. Bernie Sanders’ theory that they’re just worried about the economy is total b.s.. The next president is going to have a problem with white people and better be equipped to reassure them that diversity is our strength, not our weakness. Yet one more reason to support Hillary.

  16. So help me, Sophie, I miss old Lindsey too!

  17. Despite his swipes at Hill (which maybe he only does to maintain his ConservoCreds), he’s got some good ones.


  18. I don’t think the Trump appeal is a racist thing. I think it’s more along the likes of what Uppity said. I think it’s a bunch of tea party types who don’t want the evangelical stuff from people like Cruz. On the Democratic side, I think it was a lot of Hillary supporters who, weren’t really Democrats, more Reagan Democrats who were so disappointed in what they saw happen with the media and the DNC, they want a non-party, party. The summer of Obamacare was the height of that movement, when the townhalls were held, but the people felt that the politicians didn’t really come to listen, but to shove Obamacare down our throats. Anyway, JMO.

  19. I think Hillary took a lot of the blame for what was done to her, as if it was her fault and she was apparently supposed to finish off her career and come out shooting at everyone to satisfy the blamers. These people have obviously NEVER run for office and won. So they left because she is never going to be an asshole like Donald Trump and do such a thing. Now they despise her, as if their entire lives are her fault. Some of them never were her supporters to begin with, either. All anybody has to do is drop out of the sky and say I was a suppporter, but……..

    Others are caught up in the Hillary hate and, while they don’t really feel that hate, they don’t want to be rejected by their 180-degree flipped crowd. I truly feel for them. But sooner or later they will need to come home, wherever home is for them.

    And then there are the ones who disagree with what she is saying now, as if it’s far better to lose the fucking entire election than it is to placate the left cliff morons who actually vote in primaries.

    But nevermind.

    To me, following donald trump would be tantamount to me saying, I hate left wing crackpots so I think I’ll become a right wing crackpot.

  20. Piece of Shit in Rochester was planning to attack a restaurant in ROchester for ISIS. He planned to take a hostage. The moron was working with FBI undercover agents. Then he broadcasted a video of what he had planned for ISIS over his smart phone like the typical dumb moron they can easily recruit.

  21. Yeah, I think you’re right about that Uppity. They wanted Hillary to run as an Indy, run against Obama, run against the establishment. But Hillary has never been like that. She works within the system to make change. I think the Trumpets are blinded by anger and frustration and looking for a hero to ride in and save the day. They want someone strong who won’t take any #@%*. They don’t see the danger in what they are doing.

  22. It’s not racism, or sexism, or religionism, or any ism. They just resent anyone not just like them and that resentment has festered into a hate. How the fuck they can claim to be patriotic Americans while hating everyone in the country is beyond me.

    People were incredulously amused with Hitler too because he was saying the things the cowards with impotent rage would not.

  23. OMG! In Dubai, there’s a towering inferno hotel fire going on…..and they went ahead with their fireworks show!

  24. I’ve been watching it, imust. Cannot believe they just went ahead with the fireworks next door.

    When I see Dubai and Saudi, I think, they have more money than god but they expect the USA to die for the middle east and pay for the war. They make me want to puke.

  25. Happy New Year to Uppity and all of her minions.
    You know what wish I’ll be making tonight!

  26. Happy New Year to all and please, stay alert if you are going out tonight. Dubai has its towering inferno, Munich just closed it’s train stations due to terror threat and the Feds arrested a guy in Rochester who was planning a machete attack tonight.

  27. Happy New Years Uppityites!

    Echoing Voting, do be careful if you go out there. Lots of people who don’t ordinarily drink will be diving on those roads. Look out for them.

  28. Good lord, cannot believe all the craziness going on. Do you think its safe to go to a movie?

    Happy New Year to my fellow beloved Uppityites! 2016 is going to be our year!

  29. Happy New Year’s Ms. Uppity.

    While I freely admit I’m most likely in the distinct minority here. Given my definite adolescent tendencies, between Trump’s pie hole excrement and armpit farting, I’ll take axilla flatulence every time.

  30. Prolix that’s because armpit farting makes more sense then shit he says.

  31. We’re not going anywhere. It’s stupid enough out there on NYs Eve to begin with. Toss in terrorism and why bother?

  32. Personally I’m more afraid of getting killed by some drunken pissant texting while driving daddy’s car.

  33. Did someone mention PIE? 🙂

  34. ROFL!!! pie!

  35. My brother calls NYE Amateur night.

  36. LOL Prolix. (I had to look up axilla.)

  37. Yum, pie! I haven’t had pie since Thanksgiving.

  38. I just read about the guy in Rochester. He is 25, an ex-con, American who converted to Islam and planned to pull this attack in order to impress isis that he is good enough to join them. He told the undercover agent he was ready to give up his family and talked about killing anyone who saw him. Like Upps said, a piece of shit. Enjoy your short life in federal prison, cockroach. It’s nice to know there are a lot of feds out looking for these creeps.

  39. May you have good health and happiness in 2016, Uppityites. Goodbye to 2015!

  40. Happy New Year’s Uppity and all in Uppityville!

    May the year bring all happiness and good health. ; )

  41. Also, wanted to mention how much I still enjoy Freedom Fairie’s headers here! They are delightful and whimsical, and still make me smile after all these years. Thanks again FF, wherever you are, and Upps for keeping them going.

  42. Hear, hear Goofs!

  43. Beata, I loved that song back in the 80s!

  44. From abroad:
    Happy 2016 to you all hard core uppityville friends and let´s win this one…

  45. Best “don’t drink and drive” ad ever. Happy New Year and have a safe, blessed one.

  46. Happy almost New Year to all the New York/East Coast time zone Uppityites!

  47. Happy New Year everyone. Stand by for new header. At your service, Socal!

  48. I love that cute commercial, and the new header! Thanks Upps!

  49. Here’s a special rendition of Auld Lang Syne especially for Mr. Donald Trump and his crazy followers! Happy New Year!

  50. IT’S 2016, EVERYBODY!!!!!! 😀 😀 😀

  51. And of course, the version that always makes you cry… My favorite live version is now blocked….violation blah blah blah. It’s Dan Fogelberg FCS, they can’t even give us grace to remember him properly. Asshats!

  52. It sure is, Jens! Last year at this time, I didn’t think I would see 2016. What a surprise to all my detractors. I’m in it for the haul!

  53. Yay! Uppity! She’s still standin’!

    “I am running for everyone who’s ever been knocked down but refused to be knocked out.”—Hillary

    Hillary/Uppity 2016

  54. Oh FCS! I can’t post at John Smart’s place again. I have the exact same problem at Sill4Hill’s place. Sooooooo frustrating!. I do hope nobody has that problem here. If you do or know anyone who does, please tell me.

    I’m sure it’s a setting. I can comment at widdershins no problem.

  55. I emailed the following to my friend on the west coast who also had a bad 2015 (I’m on the East Coast):

    “For whatever it may be worth to you, I stood outside my door at 11:59 PM EST and told 2015 not to let the door hit it in the ass on the way out. Thanks for nothing, 2015. For taking away from me my mom, my job and my dog…..a great big PFFFFFFFFFFFT to you, 2015.

    And then I brushed myself off, picked myself up and asked 2016 to help me start all over again.

    To new beginnings, my friend, to new beginnings!”

    I have to be honest here. Thank you, Upps, for your extraordinary courage this year in the face of such physical turmoil you had to endure this year. When I started to feel sorry for myself, you stood not just as a survivor, but as a beacon of what a strong woman actually is. You helped me get through this year in one piece.

    With your permission, may I vote for you as POTUS instead of Hillary? 🙂

    Happy New Year and a healthy New Year to you, dear lady.

  56. I sure am, imust. I’ve truly grown to love that song.

  57. Voting, you have no idea how good your comment made me feel! I’ve done some difficult things in my life, but after the last rolling year, they somehow don’t seem all that important any longer.

    Your losses were not small. You will endure. We endure, Voting. It’s what we do.If I in some small way helped you, I didn’t even know it. Let this serve is a reminder to you and to all of us that we never know when we are touching other people’s lives for the better, even while we struggle ourselves.

    And i’d be a horrid president. They would surely assassinate me.

  58. I edited my last comment for you Voting. Don’t miss the reminder within it.

  59. Happy New Year from the West Coast, Uppity! May you and your family have a great year ahead of you!

  60. Happy happy to all uppityites near and far. My New Year’s Eve was sooo boring. I ordered some pizza, watched *several* bowl games, got sleepy and decided to *rest my eyes*. To rest the eyes I have to take the glasses off. That is immediately conducive to many zzzzzzz’s. So I missed the magic moment of turning 2015 go 2016.

    Now I’m going to rest my eyes some more.

  61. ^^ Oops-typo above. 2015 to 2016. Yep, these eyes need more resting.

  62. Happy New Year to Uppity and Uppityites everywhere.

    Upps, I know it’s been a tough one for you personally. You scared us (and yourself) but you triumphed!

    And we are the better for it. 🙂

    Now, since THE year has finally arrived, let us all hope that basic common sense will prevail to witness our foundering republic right itself and finish this year with its own long overdue triumph…

    Hillary 2016

  63. Hi Tony. Thank you for stopping by! May 2016 bring you and yours much joy.

    Yo Fredster. Fredster!!! Wake up!!!! Tosca! Lick Fredster’s face! No Tosca, No! Leave the leftover pizza alone!

    Rev Vet, how can anyone not adore you. I man who doesn’t speak unless he truly has something to say, yet a man whose presence we can always feel here at Uppity’s Place. And yes, we are all always the better for whatever life brings us.

  64. Hi Tony. Thank you for stopping by! May 2016 bring you and yours much joy.

    Yo Fredster. Fredster!!! Wake up!!!! Tosca! Lick Fredster’s face! No Tosca, No! Leave the leftover pizza alone!

    Rev Vet, how can anyone not adore you. I man who doesn’t speak unless he truly has something to say, yet a man whose presence we can always feel here at Uppity’s Place. And yes, we are all always the better for whatever life brings us.

  65. Natalie Cole, dead at 65

  66. To Upps & All — Happy New Year…Bonne Années from Paris. XX

  67. Had a great laugh over the post, Upps. Very droll.

  68. Yeah can you all believe NES is in PARIS? Talk about living on the edge!

  69. UppityWoman wrote:

    “Oh FCS! I can’t post at John Smart’s place again. I have the exact same problem at Sill4Hill’s place. Sooooooo frustrating!. I do hope nobody has that problem here. If you do or know anyone who does, please tell me.

    I’m sure it’s a setting. I can comment at widdershins no problem.”

    Try leaving a comment at my blog and we’ll see if it works. If it doesn’t work, I’ll let you know whatever weird thing happens on my end and maybe we can find a way to fix it.

  70. I think I do know what it is. It’s the blog commenting settings. But just to prove it to you, I posted at your place. I knew when I saw your comment box that I would be able to comment. I only have problems with WP.org blogs I think. WP.org is the wordpress sw used by people who own their own domain. As opposed to wp.com, which is what your blog and my blog are. What I see is a demand or enough information to sink the queen mary, and then asking me to login to MY account, which I am ALREADY logged into. And so I do it and it dumps my comment AND me and sends me to my own blog, forcing me to say swear words I haven’t used in years. I do have the same problem over at Still’s too, I finally gave up trying because I never know whether I’m going to succeed or fail and it just ends up pissing me off.

  71. Loved reading these wonderful and uplifting comments! We’ve all been here a long time now. What a great tradition to be able to salute your online friends at all memorable occasions! Hugs to everyone!

    NES is in Paris…I am totally J.

  72. Warning! If you have any Blue Bell Creamery Products in your home, do NOT ingest them. DOJ is now investigating BB Creameries, including a criminal investigation of its executives, regarding a Listeria outbreak. Listeria is DEADLY, makes Salmonella look small by comparison, please beware of this company.

  73. CNN had a dubious “expert” on who said Al Quaeda made that video mentioning Donald because……Hillary! Then he went on to blow Donald a bit, thus giving himself away.

  74. Uppity I have to tell you that you rock twitter! Love your sense of humor!

  75. Thanks GA! I rather enjoy doing one liners.


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