Teddy and Donny: Stop Touching Me and Gotcha Last.

I can’t help it anymore. This Republican Primary has sunk lower than whale shit and I simply can’t even imagine that the entire country has not noticed. Not that I shouldn’t be happy, considering it all helps Hillary. But, seriously, I have been watching Animal Planet and Discovery Channels more and more these days.

Donny and Teddy. It’s a visual of the Griswalds taking a trip to Wally World.  Envision a kid-worn couple driving cross-country with their two boys. He has grown weary. She is wishing she had oral sex instead.

These are the kids who jump your fence and pee on your tomatoes just for fun. They’re the kids that ring your doorbell and run. The kids you really WANT to get the hell off your lawn. Neighborhood cats run away when they see them. And when they aren’t thinking of malicious things to do to their neighbors and small living things, they beat the crap out of each other.

ap_548795612767Donny and Teddy. They aren’t just annoying little snots. They’re running for President. While they are doing this, they are behaving like two little ten year-old shits in the back seat on a trip to Wally World.

The latest back seat scuffle is about foreign policy. No ….wait…. it’s about the economy. No…. wait…. it’s about jobs. No…….wait…….it’s about whose wife is better looking. These two clowns find it necessary to mock, discuss and defend two women who are both smarter than they are, because it’s the Manly thing to do. Ooooooo Rahhhh!

…….And so, we have been treated to two days of listening to this crap when the world is crumbling around us.  Teddy yells, Stop Touching Me! Donny gloats, Gotcha Last! But hey, it sure beats having to listen to a discussion of actual issues. They both appear to have only five minutes of material on any significant subject. Cliff Notes candidates! How endearing!. Come to think of it, maybe we’re better off with these two kids in the back seat shooting spitballs, because when these two boys actually attempt to talk about issues, we are treated to discussions on how cool torture is and whether or not we should be following all Muslims around. Even still, this beats listening to discussions about how big their hands are or aren’t, because we all know that Real Men have big…..hands.

Thank goodness we’ve shifted from appendage size to important things now, like whose wife is prettier and more loved. Apparently somebody produced an ad showing Melania in interesting GQ state of Undress. So then Donny tweets to Teddy that he’d better watch out or his wife will be exposed too (scuse the pun). Then Donny tweets an obviously unbecoming pic of Heidi alongside a pic of his latest wife Melania, presumably to point out what Donny points out best: Which woman is better looking. So then Teddy, in his best John Wayne tone to emphasize that he has some testosterone, tells Donny Not To Mess With Heidi (whom he loves with all his heart, TMI).

As all of this was unfolding right there on TV and I was thinking even a Kardouchian story is more bearable than this shit, I found myself wondering how these two seemingly intelligent women can bear to sleep with either of these turkeys, unable to bleach from my mind the suspicion that they are probably both Hit And Run humpers who sweat profusely and grunt a lot, but nevermind…

To top off the day, and just before I reminded myself to tune in to Animal Planet again, I saw a clip on CNN where two Donny and Teddy representatives were actually trying to defend these two idiots. One of them basically said something to the effect that He Started It First. Finally the woman in the middle of these two shills piped in and summed up the ridiculousness of both UnPresidential campaigns:

 Only in 2nd grade is ‘He started it” an excuse!

Donny! Teddy! Get off our G’Damned lawns! We’re sick of watching and hearing the two of you look like total assholes! Jesus H Christ! Say something useful or STFU! The thought of four years of either of you would result in mass PTSD brought about by a mental child with a personality disorder in the White House.  One would almost have to go to North Korea to hear Dear Leader blasting his voice over loudspeakers planted all over the country to appreciate what it would be like to listen to one of you sucking all the air out of the room day in and day out.

Lindsey throws up in his mouth a little bit.

Lindsey throws up in his mouth a little bit.

Well, the good news is, Hillary is starting to look good to more than a few Republicans beyond the crackpot Right. This is because most people actually want a mentally stable adult to reside in the White House. The Republicans haven’t even picked on Hillary lately because they are so busy dodging Donny and Teddy’s spitballs.

So what’s going on with the Republican Party, you ask. You are asking, right? Well… who knew Lindsey Graham would sum things up. It’s pretty sad when Lindsey is actually almost easier to hear than the party’s Presidential candidates. At the very least, once the Republican Party is cancelled, he can enjoy moderate success at Comedy Central. After he votes for Hillary, of course:



115 Responses

  1. For those who missed this last night:

  2. Just when you think it can’t get any weirder, or lower….or both…something else happens! CNN had Amanda Carpenter on with Adriana Cohen, YIKES! Suffice it to say, Amanda Carpenter said, “talk to my lawyer!”

  3. What are those two fighting about, imust?

  4. Have you seen this vid of Ted Cruz trying to plank one on his daughter, and her revulsion?

  5. Uppity, the National Enquirer outed Ted’s alleged other women. One is Amanda Carpenter, another is Katrina Pierson. Very interesting web of connections.

    Carpenter used to work for Cruz, she’s a commentator for cnn.
    Pierson is a tea party activist from Texas. She helped Ted Cruz win in Texas, went with him to an event with Donald Trump and now she works for Trump!

    So Adirana Cohen was on with Amanda Carpenter and Adriana brought up the scandal and named Amanda and…..

  6. OMG, imust! Talk about a reality show! It’s like the Republican Party is having a horrible nightmare, and we’re all in it.

  7. Here’s the exchange imust was talking about

  8. And CNN commentators are having affairs with candidates?! No wonder they’re so shitty these days.

  9. Ugh. Can you imagine? I’d feel just like that unfortunate daughter of Ted Cruz! Poor thing, and come to think of it, isn’t there something creepy about that interaction? Then his eyeroll afterward.

  10. And the interesting thing is, the CNN person (don’t know her) appears to be upset that this is happening….and yet….cnn must have known that Amanda was named and they put her on the air with a Trump spokesperson? Can you say ambush??
    Also, I wonder how long Trump has been sitting on this? It reminds me of the 08 Edwards scandal and how it came out AFTER Iowa when Edwards was no longer useful to the Obama camp. Enquiring minds want to know….oh and pass the popcorn.

  11. Hey Upps, completely off topic, but you might want to consider adding this guy to your food blog list. He makes recipes from his grandmother.

  12. and batting next for the GOP Trump takedown….Kasich.

  13. SophieCT, on March 25, 2016 at 1:15 PM said:

    I so LOVE that one!

  14. Trump and Cruz are blowing up their chances of winning the nomination. I don’t believe the majority of American voters want these Neanderthals to take control of our country.

  15. Political reality TV schedule:

    “The Pretend Housewives of Ted Cruz,” programmed against “The Revolving Housewives of Donald Trump,” programmed against, “The Secrets of Corn with John Kasich.”

  16. SophieCT, on March 25, 2016 at 1:15 PM

    That’s a photo of a black woman with Hillary’s face on it.

  17. Sophie, I like that Italian cooking site. It has some interesting posts. I hope Upps adds it.

  18. Uppity, very funny post! I’m glad to see the rethug party implode. Its made up of things that just shouldn’t go together, like greedy Wall St billionaires, NRA thugs, and super religious. Of course the same could be said of socialists and middle-of-the-road democrats.

  19. I am starting to feel bad for the average republican voter that is more middle of the road than anything else. They must be horrified to know that if Cruz or Trump win he will have the nuke codes. Thank God for the USA that Clinton is the dem nominee since she is the only sane candidate running. I think she’s going to win by a landslide.

  20. @Shadowfax, @SophieCT. That picture of Hillary is of Angela Bassett (herself a huge Hillary Clinton supporter) from the movie “Waiting to Exhale”.

  21. It´s insulting to the Neanderthals to be compared to Trump and/or Cruz…

  22. Yes I am familiar with that Italian recipe site. I’ll add it

    They have a lot of the peasant dishes, dishes you don’t see in Americanized Italian restaurants.

  23. Voting:
    Thanks for the Hillary/Jimmy mansplains skit….

  24. We all watched Jimmy Fallon’s Hillary interview last night and loved it. Hubs even stayed up late to watch it, which amazed me because he has to get up at 4am to drive to L.A. for work.

  25. Upps, thanks for adding it! I would bookmark it, but am temporarily using a crazy cheap pc that is very erratic.

  26. My husband loves Italian peasant dishes so I will be sure to try some. At two of our favorite Italian restaurants, he always orders the “peasant dish.”

  27. Yum! Looks amazing!

    btw, the title of this post is comedy gold! I choked on my lunch when I first saw it.

  28. Yummmm! Pasta e fagioli–what a good girl you are on Good Friday.

    Funny you should mention “the peasant dishes, dishes you don’t see in Americanized Italian restaurants.”

    I laugh when I see pasta e fagioli for $7.95 on a menu. For $7.95 worth of ingredients, you could make enough for everyone in the restaurant to have a bowl and leftovers.

  29. Hahah you’re right Sophie. I could feed this to a large hungry family and their dog on $7.95

  30. No choking, Socal!

  31. Socal, so what’s in the ‘peasant dish’?

  32. Ah, Lindsay can’t say anything without making a gratuitous slap at Hillary.

  33. Meh. Lindsey is going to vote for Hillary.

  34. So a bird landed on Bernie’s podium during a speech today. His supporters are convinced it is a sign from God. These people are more whack that I ever imagined. This election is gonna send me around the bend…

    Great post, Uppity.

  35. Oooh pasta fagioli…yum.

  36. Yeah soup, they’re going nuts about the bird. There was a tweet that showed a photo of Fidel Castro when a dove landed on his shoulder during a speech and it was also seen as some kind of devine sign.

  37. Uppity, The ones hub has ordered had sausage, potato, onion, garlic, peppers, tomatoes, and penne in a broth-like sauce with herbs. I made one tonight, since you reminded me. I had chicken Italian style sausage and I used chicken broth, which is red from the tomatoes. The potatoes thickened it up. The dudes are eating it now and are very happy with it. I’m open to trying new ideas for it.

  38. Oh, I also added mushrooms and I sautéed everything in olive oil and a little butter. I used an orange pepper–I never like green bell pepper.

  39. The restaurants that had peasant dishes that hubs liked were not chain restaurants, and were family owned.

  40. God knows that politics is a ceasepool and doesn’t get involved.

  41. When the bird perched on his lectern, the crowd lit Bic lighters and chanted “Free Bird.”

    (I made that up.)

  42. Sophie, the Beanie Bernies truly think it is a sign from God which I find amazing since most of his crowd don’t believe in God.

    Someone wake me up when this silly season is over.

  43. Oh VH! I just saw that crap in a FB friend’s news feed: “God and Nature Feel the Bern” (BARF)
    Of course I had to comment: “Shortly before their annihilation by The Goddess Hillary” 😀

  44. When I first read that post about the mystical bird at Sandcrab’s rally, I thought it said, the bird pooped on his podium and they took it as a sign of Divine intervention.

    I guess there’s not much difference. Was it a pigeon?

    Or were they chickens coming back to roost?

  45. Haha! Cute header! I don’t remember that one for some reason.

  46. Hahahahhahahahahhaa………

  47. sorry, copied wrong link:

  48. I stole this from a Hillary fb group! I really LOL! ROFL almost!

    eagle hillary

  49. Aloha!

  50. Today,
    Alaska 16 delegates— 538 gives Bernie a 91% chance of winning the state where fugitives are apt to hide along with deadbeat fathers. Natives are typically not very well off so anything anybody promises them will be a boost. 67% white, 15% Native and Bernie has been hobnobbing with both. Open primary, voters can change parties today any old way they want, including online, For F’s Sake.

    Washington 101 delegates, 87% white, VERY liberal, one of the most liberal in the country according to Gallup. 538 gives Bernie 85% chance

    Hawaii 25 delegates People can change party affiliation today. Another squirrel primary, 538 gives Bernie 81%.

    Number of delegates seems to vary according to the inaccurate reporters we have in our country. Another site says Hawaii has 34 delegates, Alaska has 20 and Washington has 118. I give up on these full of shit ‘news’ outlets.

  51. Interesting experiment

  52. According to RCP, they are all caucuses to boot, so of course St. Bernard of the Sparrows will enjoy a field day. 🙄


  53. Going to caucus this morning, in Seattle. Thinking “strong woman, strong woman, strong woman” and will channel Hillary during the Berniebrogal hazing. Damn the caucus system!

  54. Uppity, that’s a great post-one of your best!

  55. Oh God, those Berniebros. Next, they’ll be seeing his face on their pancakes and gourd vegetables.

  56. I just hope that Hillary can get some reasonable percentage of the Washington vote, or Sanders is going to pick up a net of around 100 delegates today. Washington is the state where in ’08, Obama won about 75% of the vote in caucuses; and then when they for some reason held a “non-binding primary” a few weeks later, and about five times as many people voted, he won 52-48. Caucuses are undemocratic, and they skey the margins; something we all realize, but not the media or the DNC.

    If Sanders gets 75% in WA, that’s something like 80-30 in delegates. He’s sure to get 75% or so in Alaska. Hawaii will be closer, but still probably around 60-40. So we’ll get to hear how Sanders is on his way to the nomination. And then of course Wisconsin is no better, another state with a very liberal Democratic population, and it also has an enormous university system. I don’t know how many delegates it has, but Sanders might pick up another 40 net or so. Then finally we get out of these caucus and latte states, and get to NY and NJ and PA. Not enjoyable politically until then, however. Deep breaths and patience will be needed.

  57. Actually, thinking about it, Sanders will likely gain a net of about 70-75 delegates today, not 100, so that is somewhat better. And Hillary will get some, at least, so that moves her closer to the necessary total. And that is with Sanders winning 75% of the WA vote. If Hillary can keep it a bit closer, even something like 65-35%, that will help cut the net delegate margin by about ten. But these caucuses are so stacked, and dominated by the under-20 Sanders people, that it has no resemblance to actual voter popularity in a state; and so the margins could be as large as in UT and ID. For something to hope for, if Hillary’s people can somehow make the WA margin only 60-40, that gives Sanders only a 25 or so delegate margin there.

  58. William,

    We vote in NJ. Our primary is not until June 7th, same as CA. Though we are a closed primary state, unaffiliated voters are allowed to declare a party affiliation up to and including the day of the primary.

    Of 142 delegates, 126 will be pledged delegates.

    Roz in NJ/NYC

  59. Thanks, Roz. CA noe id doing the same foolish thing; I do not understand how a primary can be termed “closed,” if people can simply pick a registration the day of the primary, and then presumably swtich back, or to something else, the next day. It would almost be like saying that only Princeton alumni could attend a special event, but that anyone could call themselves a Princeton alumnus for a day, and then they aren’t the next day. There seems to be no advantage whatsoever in being affiliated in such a state; and surely that cannot be the goal. Of course the reason is that they think that this will encourage people to vote–but at what cost?

  60. Sweet Gawdess, thank you, I survived the caucus here in Seattle berndeluded land.

    Those poor naive bros and gals. “Bernie’s got the energy, the feeling like Obama had! And Bernie will get things done because all the young people! Because movement!” And shit like “Republicans will vote for Bernie in November! Being a Socialist won’t matter!” And “We don’t have time for incremental progress.” Gurgh.

    My precinct went 37% Hillary, 61% Bernie. The caucus system gave Hillary 1 delegate and Bernie 2 delegates. So right there you can see that is not proportional representation. Anyhoo. Met a few intelligent reasonable people, all Hillz supporters of course 😉 Feel like I need a decontamination chamber to recover from the vapid credulity of the Berners though.

  61. Well its been eventful here, sorry not to be around, i had to have an emergency appendectomy early wednesday morning……thats why i was getting sick the last few weeks, off and on and then it really hit overnight on Tuesday….I am just catching up now……whats been going on? So I am in bed for the next few days to get my strength back…..

    I’m expecting bad things today, lowering my expectations into the toilet so anything is a bonus but i expect Washington to be really bad as they seem to have lost their minds.

    It is what it is, nothing Hillary can do about corrupt old socialist swamped caucuses, she should have pushed for them all to be gotten rid off after 2008. That was a big mistake.

  62. Welcome back Moon. This Tweet cheered me up:

  63. I wish people would crop…

  64. How is it looking today for Hill?

  65. I just LUV the header with Mr. Bill and all the yellow peeps…
    Who ever does all the artwork, you are magnificent!

  66. I think she is about to lose Washington by about 80/20 or 75/25

  67. Moon, I am glad you are at least starting to feel better, and that you and the doctors figured out what the problem was.

    I don’t think that Hillary had any power to change DNC or state rules. Obama’s people ran the DNC, and of course he won the nomination because of caucuses. And some of these states think that caucuses are just so homey and old-fashioned, sort of like quilting bees. They certainly are undemocratic, though. One of these days the Democrats are going to end up nominating a rap star, or one of the Kardashians, through this process.

  68. William, they should nominate Kanye West: two for the price of one.

  69. moononpluto, I hope you get all better, soon.

  70. Well this is a rotten day: we have those stupid, bloody caucuses (caucusi) going on; my husband is not recovering from an operation as fast as he or I would like, and my cat just shat in the living room.

  71. One of these days the Democrats are going to end up nominating a rap star, or one of the Kardashians, through this process.

    Or worse–an old bloviating gasbag socialist from VT

  72. It occurs to me that when Hillary secures the nomination, it will mark the first time that some of these Berniebros really, really, really wanted something that they didn’t get.
    What a seismic shock!

  73. moonpluto, so sorry you have had it rough lately, but glad you’re on the mend! Just had thyroid surgery on March 4 so I feel ya! Hopefully they gave you some good meds to get thru it.

    My expectations are low today but I’m looking towards next month when she can finally put it away. Thanks to all of you in the northwest who voted for Hill today! Such close quarters with those Bernie people had to be a little irritating. 😁

  74. Yeah she will put him away next month, but first, I want her to drag his wrinkled old socialist ass on the pavement in front of God and everybody.

  75. It occurs to me that when Hillary secures the nomination, it will mark the first time that some of these Berniebros really, really, really wanted something that they didn’t get.
    What a seismic shock!

    And it’s just the start of life. Welcome to the real world, bros

  76. I don’t, but if you watch those contest shows that depend on-partially-audience voting via Twitter, texting and Facebook, you can’t help but see that the older woman (I’m looking at you, Dancing With The Stars) is always the first one “voted off the island.”
    America, please don’t let Social Media decide the Presidency.

  77. I hear ya Sue, I refuse to let my mind go there, I start to panic and all those 08 memories flood back. I told myself this time I wouldn’t get so invested like then but it sure didn’t work, lol. It’s so much more important this time and SO many people don’t seem to be thinking down the road enough to see what could actually happen. The implications of a Trump or even Sanders presidency should terrify everyone.

  78. Sue, I am sorry about your husband, and hope that he makes a good recovery, even if slowly.

    Actually, I have thought that Kanye West could indeed be a nominee, at the rate this is going. Lots of money, sense of entitlement, minority status, lots of support from those youthful caucus goers.. A grasp of issues does not seem to be requisite in our country. Didn’t Obama say something not so long ago about maybe seeing Kanye West as a candidate someday soon?

  79. Sweet Sue, your cat is just expressing an opinion on the caucus system.

    Hope your husband heals up soon.

  80. Thanks to all of you in the northwest who voted for Hill today! Such close quarters with those Bernie people had to be a little irritating.

    More than a little. I was worried their mind-dumbing credulousness and naivete would infect me. And I was going to spare you much of it, but here’s a sample:

    Aftere some Bern-brain imaginary claim on how Bernie did healthcare first before anyone, I said: “Hillary was working on health care, women’s rights, and children’s health and education since back when Bernie was writing rape fantasies.” The rebuttal: “So? I have rape fantasies” said the Berniegal. I shit you not, that’s what she said.

  81. Oh, Moon! Heal quickly!

  82. Moon, sorry to hear you’ve been sick. We’ve missed you around here but hopefully you’re on the mend now!

  83. This is not a fun day. Sigh. Don’t know how Hillary does it.

  84. So Hillary holding at 26% so far in Washington, i hope it gets better, not sure it will but she can get to that 30-33% mark i would be happy.

  85. moon, am sorry to hear about your emergency surgery, but glad you are on the mend. And same to soupcity! Get well wishes to both of you…and Sweet Sue’s husband also, poor man. My sis-in-law just had her thyroid removed due to cancer, but hopefully they got it all. This has been a stressful month for me, and I intend to boycott any Bernie celebration news this weekend. He who laughs last…

  86. Sweet Sue, your cat is just expressing an opinion on the caucus system.

    Every ten days or so??? 🙂

  87. Glad you like the post Sue. MOON!!! Y’all get well RIGHT NOW!

  88. Good thoughts to you and yours, socalannie.

  89. imust @ 4:12, hear, hear!

  90. Windbag has won Alaska and Hillary is at 17%, she may not get any delegates at all from there.

  91. Expect a post from me about God picking Ted sometime soon.

  92. We can now call Bernie’s fans “Birdbrains” because they lost their collective shit when a wren or a sparrow landed on his podium.
    “It’s a miracle!” “God is with Bernie!”
    For Christ’s sake, kids get a grip. It’s not like it was a snow white dove or anything.
    How I wish the birdie had taken a white, liquid dump on Bernie’s bald head.
    OK, it’s official, I’m going to hell.

  93. NW Luna, your interactions with the Bernie Bros is absolute evidence we don’t need them picking the nominee. They have no idea how reamed he would be in a general election.

  94. Look, at this stage of life, my teeth no longer resemble pearls; but fer chrissakes, Bernie, buy some Crest Whitestrips, will ya?

  95. It is amazing how a candidate who has won perhaps four actual primaries so far, manages to accrue 75-80% of the “vote” in caucus states.

  96. Why doesn’t CNN put the actual numbers up, so we can see just how few people are actually “voting” in these so-called momentous Sanders victories?

  97. William, yes, caucuses are appalling. Why doesn’t the DNC care?

  98. Why are the caucuses so hard on Hillary? I’m sure her people studied them intensely. Does she lose them because she won’t cheat?

  99. Hillary should have made sure these caucuses were gone after 2008, I hear she was instrumental in making sure Texas jettisoned the Texas caucus, same about the rest.

  100. Socal….The low turnout benefits the bots who bully everyone who turns up and the older voters dont go to them because of that and its so tiresome.

  101. The only people that go to caucuses mainly are Bernie’s demographic. Too many other people have responsibilities.

  102. Dan Pfiefer tweeted that Hillary is going to eliminate the caucuses when she’s the nominee except for maybe IA.

  103. Welcome back Moon. Sorry about the surgery, but glad they found out what was causing you to feel so sick for weeks.

    Not much as changed on the Dem side,

    Talk about a diversion from the email crap…Trump and Cruz have finally lost their minds. Back to their sexual fixations, this time dragging their wives and lovers into the mix. Popcorn. They just keep digging their own political graves.

  104. Annie, I thought she might do better in caucuses this time, but it seems that most of her voters simply don’t want to push through crowds and be yelled at for two hours or more by charged up teenagers. The only caucus she won in ’08 was Nevada; the only caucuses she will win this year are Nevada, and then barely in Iowa, where she had months to go from town to town and meet individual voters. Caucuses are apparently like some fun outing for the college guys and gals, and misery for the older adults, which is the base of the Hillary demographic. A few of them go, but not many.

  105. NEW POST UP

  106. Didn’t Obama say something not so long ago about maybe seeing Kanye West as a candidate someday soon?

    Madoka-kami-sama forbid that. 😮

    However, it would serve him right if the GOP ran Taylor Swift against him. 😉

  107. He wins predominantly white states, particularly if there are large college populations, and he cannot get the votes because caucuses always yield fewer actual votes. None of these states are swing states, except the fluke of Michigan. He can’t carry the states that win the General.

  108. Appendectomy in emergency situation is pretty damned dangerous, risk of peritonitis. Moon, you must have really been in a bad way by then.

  109. Ok. Alaska and Washington State are Sand(er)inists…
    How about Hawaii?

  110. He probably took that too. Caucus.

  111. Upps:
    Can you “educate” me why Caucus insted of just voters deciding?

  112. I guess caucuses are the new Fort Lauderdale.

  113. Belle, I have no idea why anybody would want to allow a caucus instead of a primary. They restrict who can vote to who can show up and argue for hours at a time vs. walking in and voting. The infirm and the elderly are screwed. People who are working during the restricted hours are screwed. It’s just plain ridiculous. And Open caucuses are even MORE ridiculous. What is the point of belonging to a party if any old body can show up and vote in your party’s primary and pick your candidate. It’s just plain bullshit. Open caucuses and primaries are perfect tools for republicans, and they have used that tool well for years, registering D and voting for the weakest candidate to make the general race easier for them.

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