I can’t help it anymore. This Republican Primary has sunk lower than whale shit and I simply can’t even imagine that the entire country has not noticed. Not that I shouldn’t be happy, considering it all helps Hillary. But, seriously, I have been watching Animal Planet and Discovery Channels more and more these days.
Donny and Teddy. It’s a visual of the Griswalds taking a trip to Wally World. Envision a kid-worn couple driving cross-country with their two boys. He has grown weary. She is wishing she had oral sex instead.
These are the kids who jump your fence and pee on your tomatoes just for fun. They’re the kids that ring your doorbell and run. The kids you really WANT to get the hell off your lawn. Neighborhood cats run away when they see them. And when they aren’t thinking of malicious things to do to their neighbors and small living things, they beat the crap out of each other.
Donny and Teddy. They aren’t just annoying little snots. They’re running for President. While they are doing this, they are behaving like two little ten year-old shits in the back seat on a trip to Wally World.
The latest back seat scuffle is about foreign policy. No ….wait…. it’s about the economy. No…. wait…. it’s about jobs. No…….wait…….it’s about whose wife is better looking. These two clowns find it necessary to mock, discuss and defend two women who are both smarter than they are, because it’s the Manly thing to do. Ooooooo Rahhhh!
…….And so, we have been treated to two days of listening to this crap when the world is crumbling around us. Teddy yells, Stop Touching Me! Donny gloats, Gotcha Last! But hey, it sure beats having to listen to a discussion of actual issues. They both appear to have only five minutes of material on any significant subject. Cliff Notes candidates! How endearing!. Come to think of it, maybe we’re better off with these two kids in the back seat shooting spitballs, because when these two boys actually attempt to talk about issues, we are treated to discussions on how cool torture is and whether or not we should be following all Muslims around. Even still, this beats listening to discussions about how big their hands are or aren’t, because we all know that Real Men have big…..hands.
Thank goodness we’ve shifted from appendage size to important things now, like whose wife is prettier and more loved. Apparently somebody produced an ad showing Melania in interesting GQ state of Undress. So then Donny tweets to Teddy that he’d better watch out or his wife will be exposed too (scuse the pun). Then Donny tweets an obviously unbecoming pic of Heidi alongside a pic of his latest wife Melania, presumably to point out what Donny points out best: Which woman is better looking. So then Teddy, in his best John Wayne tone to emphasize that he has some testosterone, tells Donny Not To Mess With Heidi (whom he loves with all his heart, TMI).
As all of this was unfolding right there on TV and I was thinking even a Kardouchian story is more bearable than this shit, I found myself wondering how these two seemingly intelligent women can bear to sleep with either of these turkeys, unable to bleach from my mind the suspicion that they are probably both Hit And Run humpers who sweat profusely and grunt a lot, but nevermind…
To top off the day, and just before I reminded myself to tune in to Animal Planet again, I saw a clip on CNN where two Donny and Teddy representatives were actually trying to defend these two idiots. One of them basically said something to the effect that He Started It First. Finally the woman in the middle of these two shills piped in and summed up the ridiculousness of both UnPresidential campaigns:
Only in 2nd grade is ‘He started it” an excuse!
Donny! Teddy! Get off our G’Damned lawns! We’re sick of watching and hearing the two of you look like total assholes! Jesus H Christ! Say something useful or STFU! The thought of four years of either of you would result in mass PTSD brought about by a mental child with a personality disorder in the White House. One would almost have to go to North Korea to hear Dear Leader blasting his voice over loudspeakers planted all over the country to appreciate what it would be like to listen to one of you sucking all the air out of the room day in and day out.
Well, the good news is, Hillary is starting to look good to more than a few Republicans beyond the crackpot Right. This is because most people actually want a mentally stable adult to reside in the White House. The Republicans haven’t even picked on Hillary lately because they are so busy dodging Donny and Teddy’s spitballs.
So what’s going on with the Republican Party, you ask. You are asking, right? Well… who knew Lindsey Graham would sum things up. It’s pretty sad when Lindsey is actually almost easier to hear than the party’s Presidential candidates. At the very least, once the Republican Party is cancelled, he can enjoy moderate success at Comedy Central. After he votes for Hillary, of course:
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