On This Day, Let Us Not Forget General Washington and CPL William

A worthy rerun:

On July 3rd, the day before America’s birthday, our own Freedom Fairy posted the above header of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Lo and Behold, there was our own Moderator Kitteh Bill on that boat, right there in the arms of The Man Himself! Father of our country! Kitteh of our country!

Bill! we gasped! It’s Bill! How did Bill get there! Look, Bill was There! Bill fought for our country! Bill knew George, and I don’t mean Bush! The Real George! And how Dapper he was on that boat! Our Bill, Kitteh of our Country!

After our initial excitement at seeing our own Bill in that portrait, we were a bit flummoxed, of course. I mean, Bill would have to be seriously old in the triple digits if that was him. Not that Bill isn’t capable of just about anything, as you who have been spammed deliberately can attest. But, I mean, even the best of us have only seen our cats hit the early 20s. We knew Bill was special, but come on!

To the rescue, our own blog historian, the immortal and inimitable Revolutionary War Vet, who has been simply Everywhere, clarified the portrait for us:

Happy Fourth of July weekend to all the citizens of Uppityville!

Now, since I was actually on that boat when we crossed the Delaware on that cold, blustery Christmas night in 1776, please allow me to clarify…

See, it was in fact one of MK Bill’s ancestors who made the trip with us. He shared the same name, but the Continental Army knew him by the more proper, William. He carried the rank of Sergeant, and was assigned to the Quartermaster Department. There really wasn’t anything to the job, since we never had much food to eat. But Sergeant William always did his best for us. Once, he even offered to share with me a scrawny mouse he had caught, but I decided against it, and ate my left shoe instead. Anyway, we all loved Sergeant William.

Now, that night, General Washington was very reluctant to permit Sergeant William to make the crossing. But, at the last moment, as the boat was shoving off, William jumped aboard and into the arms of the General. What could Washington do? So, he just tucked William tight, as we rowed and poled our way to the Jersey shore.

We were headed for Trenton, of course. Where the Hessians had about 1000 men posted in the town.

Well, after a long march with bloody feet (and paws), we finally made it to Trenton. We attacked just after daylight. All was confusion, as we stormed into the streets from every direction. Sergeant William headed straight for the Commander’s headquarters. Truth be told, since he knew full well that the officers always ate better than enlisted men, William thought he might find some tasty leftovers there. He was always a sucker for German food, particularly Wiener Schnitzel.

Now, just as William made his way into the headquarters, Colonel Rall, the Hessian Commander, was stumbling out of bed, trying to get his uniform on, sensing that the cannon fire outside his window meant a surprise attack was well underway. And it was here that Sergeant William performed the heroic act that we all remembered him for afterward.

William bit into the ankle of Colonel Rall. Hard. There was blood.

So disoriented was Colonel Rall that, by the time he reached the street, half-dressed with bleeding leg, he never saw the Patriot soldier that fired the bullet that left him fatally wounded. And, seeing their Commanding officer shot down, the rest of the Hessians quickly surrendered. It was a glorious victory! And for his part…

General George Washington himself honored Sergeant William with a medal:

The Order of the Catnip.

It was, to my knowledge, the first and only time that decoration was bestowed.

Well, after the War, I lost touch with Sergeant William. But I heard that he met a sassy Long Island feline named Katrina, who most people called Kittie. (But, for some reason, she always preferred to spell it, Kitteh.) So, William and Kittie settled on a farm in the Hudson Valley of Upstate New York, and lived a long and very quiet and serene life; while proceeding to give birth to many healthy litters, the present living descendant of which is – our very own MK Bill!

Just thought I’d set the record straight. ;)

Dear Vet!!!! What a beautiful and historic account of our Bill’s notable ancestor!! We are so fortunate to have you as blog Historian, particularly with regard to the presence of our own Bill’s forefathers at so many of our most important and/or historic moments in time!

The Order of The Catnip! This honor certainly explains MK Bill’s entitlement attitude with respect to paypal donations being  snatched and used for the Ordering of the Catnip.

This account most definitely clarifies our Bill’s staunch and loyal patriotism and only serves to confirm what a fine president he would make, especially when we consider his inherited prowess at capturing and dispositioning rodents, of which there are so many in DC.

I am convinced now, more than ever, that MK Bill must pursue his Presidential bid with vigor just as soon as he wakes up from his nap. Even though Bill is actually a Clinton Democrat, there is no sense of him bothering with a Primary with that current bunch, as Bill just remarked the other day that the New Democratic Party is seriously Shovel Ready. Instead, I am going to suggest that, being a cat and therefore having multiple wives, he should consider posing as a Mormon. So long as he doesn’t reveal his intentions to provide free CAT Scans as part of his health plan, I am sure this will be enough to convince the Republicans to give him a nod. Besides, he’s exponentially more interesting than the creatures they have as candidates to-date.

Vet, thank you for renewing my faith in Bill’s love of Country, as I do admit I was losing patience with him, what with his constant use of my charge card to investigate the Playcat Channel and the Live Nude Cats website. Now I understand that these are just the necessary diversions of a very patriotic cat who, like Newt Gingrich, is so patriotic, he sometimes ..…strays, and who, of course, aspires to fill Anthony Weiner’s seat, if not his shorts.

Trenton will never look the same to me again, and believe me, it never did look like much to me. Who knew?

Is it safe to go into the water?

Governor Chris Christie announced today ….

…….he’s running for the Republican nomination for President of the United States!! Calm down now, I know it’s hard to contain your excitement. This brings the number to 14! Fourteen Republicans have officially thrown their hats into the ring!

With an already crowded field, I have only one thing to say about Chris Christie jumping in:

(Also, the thread on Uppity’s post was getting pretty crowded with over 300 comments.)

BTW, this happens to be the 40th anniversary of the movie “Jaws”!

On Deli Turkey and Paid Speeches

Hi everybody. Uppity here, taking a moment off between setting off security alarms in airports to tell you a story…

A number of years ago I frequented a deli that roasted their own turkey breasts and sold them sliced by the pound for a thief’s ransom. I paid the ransom and so did plenty of other people. Do you know why I paid the ransom? Because it was the best damned turkey EVER. God, I miss that extortionist who could roast a turkey better than my mother did. And that’s saying a lot, because that woman could roast a turkey..

The owner of that deli had a sign up that said:

We know other delis charge less for their turkey. They know what their stuff is worth.

So it goes for paid speeches.

Donald Trump makes more for paid speeches than anybody on that list, but that’s really okay because he’s got a dick. has mastered the art of bankruptcies while being held harmless, and he possesses a big mouth. Condoleeza Rice does pretty damned well herself  at $150k for the pleasure of her company–but then she is a former Secretary of State and that is worth something, right? Right?. Take your time to think about that. I’ll wait.

Tim Geithner still garners $200k per speech, which probably includes free advice on how to evade taxes. Ben Bernanke, that other thief, makes up to $400k per speech. That’s twice what Hillary makes and all he ever did was help to f*ck the middle class as quickly as possible and send our money to Wall Street. (Do not pass up clicking on that link).

Dick Cheney only gets $75k per speech, but don’t feel too badly for him. He more than made up for it with all those Halliburton Iraq contracts. Sarah Palin makes $100k per speech, which is obviously a travesty because she’s achieved so much more and has done so much more for America in her lifetime than Hillary has. Everybody knows this, right? Right? I mean she was, after all, a mayor and a governor. And she DID run for Vice President and lose, and….and….

newtimagesNow, poor Newt Gingrich and  poor Mitt Romney only earn around $60k for their speeches.

Jeb gets $50k.

Well boys, don’t be blaming Hillary because people know what Newt and Mitt  or Jeb are worth to them.  You might say they are the “Other deli’s turkey”.

e3rNow, if Newt could get paid by the pound like the turkey he is, he would probably do much better. More to the point, if these three guys had any dignity left, they would be embarrassed to note that Bernie Sanders makes nearly as much for a speech as they do.

CaptureThe bottom line here is:

Hillary commands better fees because she’s more sought after, more popular, and people find her infinitely more interesting to listen to–whether you like it or not. People want to hear what she has to say roughly 3-4 times more badly than they want to hear Newt, Jeb or Mitt. Stop and reflect upon that for a moment and then try to tell me you don’t grasp Why. Go ahead. Take your time. I’ll wait.

When you sell your house, do you know what it’s worth? I’ll tell you what it’s worth: It’s worth exactly what others are willing to pay for it. Get it, Mitt? Jeb? Anybody? Anybody?

More Hard Choices for Hillary

Hillary Clinton joined Instagram today.

Screen shot 2015-06-10 at 3.49.38 PM

Her caption “Hard Choices” was in reference to the choice of red, white or blue pantsuit.

Many Instagrammers were amused, posting comments like “YAAS QUEEN,” “ICONIC,” and “You’re hilarious, I love you,” “my girl can joke,” while others were not amused, writing “No oldsters allowed on Instagram.”

In less than an hour, Clinton has gained almost 10,000 new followers and over 1,000 likes.

Off to follow Hillary on Instagram!

This Is Just One Reason Why I Love The Clintons……

They can laugh at themselves! These are two really brilliant people, but they aren’t preachy or snooty. I thought this video that was made for the 1995 Gridiron Dinner was hilarious! Even though Hillary doesn’t have the most perfect timing or delivery, she’s just goes for it!! Actually, many of the jokes were pretty funny….and those wigs!!!!

So here it is, another way back machine classic:

“Hillary, Hillary Gump”

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